NOTICE
This story was a trainwreck. I didn't think anything through enough; my outline wasn't very good and on top of that, I kept ignoring it.
That said, I still think many of the ideas in this fic were solid. I have plans to rewrite it, but first there will be several short stories about Freddy Fazbear's Pizza to set the stage, so that the next go round I can have less exposition.
I don't think anyone was reading this in the first place, but, well, here's some closure if you were. Look for more FNAFfics coming soon!
LOL, where to start? There's, like, sooo much to tell. Okay, let's see... well, while walking around Canterlot one night wearing this totes adorbs bear costume (LOL, long story) I stumbled into this place called Freddy Fazbear's Pizza. All the furry robots there, like, totally love me! They're especially happy I brought my own costume, for some reason... like, apparently that's a problem or something. Dunno.
Anyway, they've accepted me as one of their own! Like, how cool is that? We do all kinds of stuff together: fun stuff like baking cupcakes, and hard stuff like replacing the carpets- they keep getting stained and stuff. Oh, and we tease the security guard, who's, like, a total meanie.
It's not all fun and games, though. See, there's one little detail... my mom was investigating a case before she died. A case in that very restaurant. See, like, a decade or something ago, five kids just, like, vanished. One of them was even a student of Princess Celestia herself! I, like, totally want to get to the bottom of it and stuff. I think. I mean, what could go wrong, amiright? When has the truth hurt anypony?
Now with a character list.
...Is the main character always going to talk like that?
7401396 Yes, but only in her dialogue. The narrator voice is normal.
I have to say, I am genuinely intrigued. Adorabelle does seem to be an interesting character, and she has both my attention and my sympathy.
The one suggestion I would make with this scene is that you could potentially use this to establish what kind of emotional attachment Adorabelle has with her parents. How does she feel when she looks at their picture? What does she think of? Those are the kind of questions you could be answering there.
Good work so far!
I was at first very confused about this chapter, because you didn't explain what was going on very well. But that forced me to keep reading in search of an explanation, which you pulled off very well. Good job!
Now you've got me really intrigued.
I think one of the problems you have with this story is that you're not very good at explaining things.
You do get around to explaining what the purpose of the criminal observatory is and that apparently, major criminals are sentenced to banishment to the stars as part of their rehabilitation, but it takes you a very long time to get to that explanation, and when you do get there, it's kind of obtuse. I'm not knocking it, but I am saying that it is something that might irritate some readers.
7449169 Sigh... you know that rule about "don't put all your exposition up front"? I obey the letter, but not the spirit, by just kicking it to later in the story.
Thanks for the constructive criticism!
And now we're getting to the meat of the mystery! Most interesting.
I'm glad that you took my advice about the character list, it does help a lot!
7488258 I don't know. Ideally a story shouldn't need a character list, because the characters are all memorable. Or at least that's always been my philosophy.
Then again, I wish more Agatha Christie books came with character lists, so maybe it's not the end of the world.
Yeah, that's going to work well.
Wonderful chapter! I'm ready for Freddy now!
Ok. We have our Dahlia Hawthorne (which makes me DESPISE her already).
Well... looks like I may have to rescind my previous comment. The scene in the hall of memories was played VERY well.
Hmmmm... A study on cutie mark magic?
does anyone feel from the character list that this is a ace attorney game?
8472755
Now why would you think that? I only made something like half my character sheet from characters
stolenadapted from Ace Attorney games after all...Gotta say, I just love the implications that Rainbow Factory is canon to this.
or at least, even if it's just an expression, I would totally believe it, because it fits too well with the vibes of the story.
And while it's been a while since this story was written so this isn't really relevant, I've not had any issues with keeping the characters in order yet.
Costume intended for her mum, check.
History about equestria... Megan was that recent here? Damn.
Even ongoing slavery (probably)
Wow this equestria is just kinda a hell-hole, ain't it?
Anyway, I'm genuinely enjoying this story a ton, even if you think it's kinda old crap, it's juicy worldbuilding with very intriguing mysteries, and the look into what life is like for everypony, what with the ongoing racism, very recent slavery, creaky justice system, burning starfire, implied rainbowness, and of course freddy's is just all very atmospheric, like, the horror vibes are immaculate.
(And since this is my 'just commenting now about stuff so-far comment, I'm also like, super interested in what Twilight's ascension would entail, what with the whole burning starfire thing.)
... and wait, I just realised, considering the crystal prep ponies in csgu in earlier chapters, I have to wonder if EqG has any canonicity in this setting, because that'd absolutely add a new angle what with the megan thing.
Well that confirms the canonicity of that. At least it sounds like starburst is doing the bare minimum, so that's something.
And relevant soulstuff, yay
Also rip steel flight, I guess.
Oh this is full on AU now, with the immortals. Neat.
And what with perry pierce and his chocolate factory... I wonder if there's a great crystal elevator somewhere in there too. It'd add a whole new level of connection what with the elevator inventor being super relevant... and whole new level of horror too, given great glass elevator's horror elements.
I am sad this got abandoned, 'cuz like, it's heckin good. Not sure how to put it into words beyond my previoua comments, but like, it's a fun mystery and adorabelle is just a great MC. Admittedly maybe some of that enjoyment stems from my own slight ditziness and absentmindedness, tho I'm deffo more a wordier introvert and stuff so it's not like, super the same but there's some overlap.
But yeah, just the whole worldbuilding and horror and mystery stuff is neat. Plus the POV too, like, if it were from somepony else's perspective it'd deffo be more horror-y, but with adorabelle's innocence it's a much comfier sorta horror and absolutely right up my alley.
Also her name's great, like, I could see a mary sue get called 'adorabelle' but she's not one, so instead of cringey the name is a chef's kiss on top of everything.