Goosed!

by Estee

The Dolorous Black-Beaked Kvetch

In many ways, it should have been the first resort: if a strange animal species was found, she was supposed to head for the cottage. (Although "animal" was now a matter of mild question, and Applejack was starting to wonder if she should have asked her sister about any attempts to gain marks in monster summoning which had gone horribly almost-right.) But she knew just how busy her friend was, how much work was involved in the day-to-day -- and more often, minute-to-minute, with too much of that time spent under Moon -- labor of animal caretaking. It made Applejack reluctant to interrupt for anything which wasn't a crisis, and she knew her other friends felt the same way: the continual burden was heavy enough without their adding any amount of weight.

There were problems with this philosophy, of course. The first was that the collective reluctance to call on that particular talent sometimes meant that the obvious solution for a given problem was only summoned after it was too late. And under one of the other hooves was the simple fact that while they personally might want to maintain a stress-shielding buffer zone between the world and the cottage, there were other ponies in town. These days, there were a lot of them, more than there had ever been before, with new arrivals still streaming in every moon.

Applejack knew all of it, and as her ears caught the first yells echoing from the cottage grounds, she considered the uninformed nature of those recent residents while simultaneously taking a mental glance under a third hoof and finding a bad assumption waiting there to justifiably laugh at her.

Namely, that she'd believed there was only one bird.

"It's in my garden! And when I tried to get it out, it -- it -- well, just look at my mane!"

"Isn't this supposed to be your expertise? Why haven't you fixed this already? If somepony, and I think you know who I'm talking about -- no, don't try to hide behind your own mane! If you don't fly to my place first and tell that thing to clear out --"

"-- your place? They're in my pond!"

Applejack maintained a steady, unhurried pace.

"I got here before you!"

"Yeah? Well, I got here before both of you!"

"So what? I got here before any of you! And at least your mane will grow back! Do you know what it did to my greenhouse door when it charged me? It didn't even look stunned! It just kept trying over and over, and then the panes gave out, and once it got in, it went straight for the tomatoes!"

There was no need to gallop. None at all.

"Tomatoes? You want to get her first for tomatoes? Like those won't grow back too!"

"It's fall!"

"You've got a greenhouse!"

"Not any more!"

Many of the ponies who had moved in since the Elements had been rediscovered... they wanted to be part of history. To be near where the action was (while somehow never considering what would happen if that action landed on their front lawns -- or ponds). And some knew a little about the Bearers, or told themselves they'd learned a little more after arrival. Those newest of Ponyville residents educated themselves just enough to decide that if any animal-related issues manifested, their one and only recourse was to gather in front of the cottage as a -- she counted -- fourteen-pony mini-mob, fully consisting of recent arrivals, all screaming and yelling and lashing furious tails and demanding that the terrified yellow presence currently forcing herself to stay in front of the door help them, and only them, first. All believing that the last syllable in her name was the dominant one and all they had to do in order to get what they wished (and possibly for free) was to be the loudest and most obnoxious. It was all they'd bothered to learn and for most, all they felt they ever had to know. It was certainly all anypony had told them, and that was why Applejack didn't need to hurry.

"My plants!"

"My sidewalk!"

Because everything was completely under control.

"My porch!"

"My hooves!"

"I swear, if you don't untuck yourself, if you don't talk, if you don't get that pink tail in the air five seconds ago, I'll --"

And there it was.

Applejack listened, counting under her breath. Six ponies burst past her before the last of the echoes died away, two in the air, three on the ground, and one heading into the stream just because it must have seemed too narrow for direct pursuit. The remaining eight found their legs (and for three, wings) locked. Eyes went wide. Fur and feathers trembled. They couldn't move. Moving seemed to be the worst of all possible options, if only because the next one to move would get all of the attention and nopony was sure it wouldn't wind up focusing on them.

Yes, new arrivals in Ponyville gathered all the information they cared to hear about the cottage, or at least all that anypony cared to tell them.

"Heya, Fluttershy," Applejack calmly greeted her friend as she trotted through the frozen remnants of the former mob.

And really, it was amazing how nopony ever managed to mention the bear.

"An' always good t' see you, Harry. So Ah'm guessing we're all here 'bout the same thing?"

Slowly, Fluttershy untucked herself. A single eye became visible behind the shielding manefall.

"...a big bird?"

Applejack nodded. "Fairly big, yeah. More stubborn. 'bout six times that amount of sheer mean. Found one in the North Fields, an' it don't want t' leave. So Ah figured Ah'd drop by an' see if y'could ask it t' leave for me. Got a few? Can y'come with?"

"...I think so. But --"

Which, for one new and potentially temporary resident, was when the shock of having a bear roar in her face started to wear off. "HEY!"

"What?" Applejack politely inquired.

"I was here first!"

Another partial defrosting, this one resulting in a somewhat-melted stallion. "We all were!"

"And just because you're her friend -- look, there's a line here," another mare imperiously decided. "And since those others left, I'm at the front of it. I'm the one standing closest to the door. I don't care who you are, you can wait your -- why is the bear looking at me?"

"...he does that," Fluttershy truthfully said.

"Make him stop."

"...stop what?"

"Looking at me."

"...a bear may look at a pony," Fluttershy softly told the mare. "Who am I to tell him who he can and can't look at?"

"But... he's looking at me... like... like..."

"...yes?"

"Like... that."

Harry yawned. It was sincere, slightly tired, and didn't show off more than ninety-five percent of his teeth.

"I'm willing to go second," the mare decided. "But only if it's an emergency. Which it clearly is. So I'll do the proper thing. And go second. Tell the bear that."

"...you just did."

"I really want him to hear it from you."

Applejack, keeping the smile internal, trotted a little closer. "So what did they all tell you?"

"...not much," Fluttershy admitted. "They were... mostly talking over each other. Or -- screaming. All I really made out was that there was a bird, it's big, and... mean. Not much more than what you said, Applejack. But... it didn't sound familiar. Not completely. I think... I think maybe there was something I saw, but... not anyone I've met, and..." Applejack checked that single visible pupil and saw the sparks of excitement beginning to dance. "...is it new, Applejack? Is this a new friend? Someone who's never been in Ponyville before, a new species, and -- do you think so? Do you really think it's possible?" Her volume was beginning to (slightly) increase as the joy built. "Because we still find new species! It's not as if all of Equestria's been explored, not even close, Applejack, and all it takes is for a single member of a new species to wander out of the right wild zone, and if I got there first, I could make the first friend...!"

There were times when the group reflected one another, even when the pony in question didn't see it happening or, depending on the nature of the mirror and the pony gazing into it, want to admit it. But there were times when Applejack spotted the events (and others which had her denying them), and to the surprise of everypony present except herself --

"...and I could name them! Not just a personal name, I mean. The species! They have to be classified, you know that, Applejack! You can't breed a new kind of apple without tracking the root stock, right? So I have to figure out what tribe they are, and then the genus, I've already got the family, but then I get to name the species and I've never done that before, I'll be in the books...!"

-- Fluttershy briefly went full Twilight.

The visible eye blinked. "...do you think the publishers would give me a discount? If I contributed to one? Because if I got even a little savings on any volume... I would sort of have helped update the edition, you know..."

Applejack, doing her best not to laugh, simply said, "Can't find out without checkin' em. Get your stuff -- Ah'll wait out here."

Fluttershy nodded, then turned around and trotted inside. Harry stayed exactly where he was.

That one stallion stared at Applejack. "But what about us?"

"What 'bout you? This helps you. She's comin' with me. She'll work out what has to be done in order t' shift these birds. Once she figures that out, she can do it at all of your places. Ah get any possible trial an' error, y'get the finished product. So what's the problem? An' as long as you're all here... anypony paid for her services yet?"

And now they were all staring at her. "She's a Bearer," a new mare weakly said. "She works for the thrones."

Which meant exactly what Applejack had expected: none of them had expected to pay and, left to their own devices, very few were ever going to. So... "Does this look like a mission t' you? A threat to all of Equestria? Ah sure haven't gotten any notice from the Princess, an' that means this is jus' some birds. Fluttershy's gonna do her job -- a job y'all are gonna pay for." And she felt her lips twisting into a special smile, a familiar one and an expression which Rarity had once told her was 'regrettably just a little bit mercenary, dear.'

She'd ignored that. And then she'd snuck off to the library to find out what 'mercenary' meant.

"So... everypony's gonna wait right here while Ah work out a fee structure. Somethin' based on -- total number of birds, Ah think. 'cause the more there are, the harder the job, right? And then y'all are gonna deposit yer bits in the box -- Harry, Ah'm gonna need a box here -- an' Ah'll write up a sign an' post it right next t' the box, an' anypony who comes along while Fluttershy an' me are at the Acres, they're gonna put their bits in the box, an' Harry's gonna stay right here an' make sure the bits go in the box an' stay in the box, 'cause if'fin they don't, y'know what we're gonna need? A bigger box. Harry, waitin' on that box -- oh, right: y'can't understand me... okay, maybe five minutes an' then we're gonna have a box. An' for the record? He don't make change."

---

Applejack was generally content with her magic. She seldom felt envy towards the other two races, at least not that she would generally allow herself to admit. They had their tricks and techniques: she had her tools. And on most days, that was more than enough.

But as she and Fluttershy made their way into the North Fields, she couldn't help but glance back at the pegasus. And she sighed.

"...what?"

"Least you're gonna stay clean. Ah already had one bath. You..."

And an inevitable "...sorry."

Another sigh. "Fluttershy, Ah -- don't mean nothin' by it. Jus' that... kinda wish Ah could hover. If only right now."

"...I could land. If it'll help."

The worst part was that it had been sincere. "Naw. Y'get dirty enough every day, just takin' care of yours. Ah got no right t' complain, compared t' what y'go through moon after moon. It's one mornin' for me, nothin' more."

"...really, it wouldn't be any trouble..."

"Fluttershy, Ah'm tellin' you, Ah'm --" and she stepped in another one, just barely managing to suppress the groan. "-- lookin' forward t' getting this thing off mah Acres." Another glance back at the pegasus, this time focusing on the laden saddlebags, all bulging with what seemed to be significant weight. "So what did y'bring? Y'doubled back for the cottage after we started talkin' on the way here, an' Ah know those weren't as full then."

"...books," Fluttershy eventually said. "What you were saying, about how the bird looked... I don't remember any friend like that, ever. But... I think I remember... reading something. In an... update volume, maybe? I have to go through so many books just to try and stay current, it's hard to keep track of what's where, and I only really bookmark the medical items, but... what you said sounded sort of familiar, somehow. So I brought every taxonomy update I've gotten in the last six moons. Maybe after I see the bird, I'll remember more, and I'll know where to look..."

Applejack frowned, which meant she missed the opportunity to avoid the next squelch. "What's taxes got t' do with this?"

"...taxonomy."

"Ah mean, they don't think on the pony level. Ain't citizens or residents. Pretty sure they ain't got jobs. Sure can't make 'em pay t' leave."

"...no, it's actually about --"

"-- but maybe if we hit 'em with a really big tax... ain't nothin' stupid enough not t' run from one of those..."

And Fluttershy gasped.

"Oh! That's him, isn't it? Oh, Applejack, he's so beautiful...!"

Applejack never would have thought to question her friend on the instant gender identification. As for the rest of it... "Yeah," she said with no small amount of sarcasm. "Beautiful. Until y'get t' know him."

The bird brought its head up. The black beads moved between the two ponies, evaluating attack priorities.

"Does he look familiar? At'tall?" Applejack carefully asked.

Fluttershy's shapely brow was furrowing. "Not for pictures..."

"Y'mean...?"

"...something... I've read, maybe? I'm sure I saw something about a bird like this. Let me just... get closer. If I talk to him a little, it might help me remember..."

"Jus' remember what Ah told you first," Applejack immediately insisted.

A slow nod. "...he's mean. I believe you. But maybe there's just something making him mean. I know you said he didn't look sick, but they don't always when they're ill. Or he could have... another thorn, maybe?"

"Not with the way he charges," came the dark reply. "Pretty sure his feet are fine. Okay, Fluttershy... all you. Jus' take it slow..."

She hung back, letting the pegasus make the first approach: far enough to the rear so that the bird wouldn't be focusing on her, close enough to charge in and take as many bruises as necessary to ensure Fluttershy's escape. And she watched as her friend flew closer, one tentative flap at a time, those blue-green eyes shining...

It was strange, watching Fluttershy in her element like this. It was strange how

natural

it felt...

The bird's wings began to spread. It hissed, and the beak stabbed at a pony too far away to reach: first warning.

Fluttershy blinked. Her mouth opened, and a sound came out: part honk, part warble, and a little bit of something else.

The bird's head pulled back. The neck dipped in towards the plump body.

"Watch the wings," Applejack whispered.

"...I know... I know how strong they are, how much damage they can do..."

"So y'remember?"

"...no. But I know the genus now. It's... not any kind of monster. It's some kind of goose, Applejack, I swear on Luna's tail, I remember reading something about this... but just let me talk..."

More sounds from Fluttershy. The bird hissed again, but the sound seemed somewhat half-hearted.

"...I," Fluttershy decided, "shall call him Mister Honksworth. Of the Quebuck Honksworths."

"An' is that his name? An' where he's from?"

"...no. His name doesn't... translate very well. It's that way a lot, for the ones who don't have a language on the pony level. It's just... something to call him."

"So, if y'had t' translate..."

A long pause. "Owns."

"Owns what?"

"...um... hang on... I'm going to try telling him... some of this is body posture, I should land now..." Fluttershy carefully touched down, still out of beak-striking range. Wings were carefully angled. Forelegs came up, went down. Still more sounds, broken up by a whisper. "...I'm trying to ask him why he's here. And if he'd mind leaving. It's not easy... he really doesn't think, but there's some concepts he does have, and..."

The goose honked, three times. Another hiss. Wings went after the local atmosphere with intent to murder.

"...oh dear."

Applejack's eyes narrowed. "Wanna translate that?"

"He says... he believes... he doesn't have to go. We have to."

She could feel her hooves starting to scrape at the ground, which, when it came to staying clean, was just the latest in her series of mistakes. "'cause?"

"...we're... on his... Applejack, please don't be mad, it's just how he is, he can't help it... we're on his territory."

Was her hat starting to slip? "An' what's his territory? The base of mah Grandpa's tree? A body length or two 'round it? Goes a little closer t' the feed stream? How much does he think is his?"

Fluttershy swallowed.

"...all of it."

Applejack took the deepest breath of her life. Held it.

"...that air is his too."

She held the lungpower behind the word back for an extra six heartbeats, just to spite the bird. "Really."

There was more honking, all of which seemed to have an edge to it.

"...wherever he lands. Whatever he flies over. His name is... Owns Everything -- no, that's not his name, it's the name of his flock, and he wants us off his land and out of his sky, or he's going to --"

Fluttershy's eyes widened. Her wings flapped, sent her two body lengths back just in time, got her up as the goose lunged, missing -- but now its own wings were spreading again, wings powerful enough to bruise an earth pony body would do Celestia-knew-what to a more delicate (if oddly sturdy) pegasus, it was going to get in the air and Applejack was starting her charge, she could knock it back and buy Fluttershy that much more time, she didn't care about not hurting a dumb animal any more, not when the thing was going for Fluttershy while laying claim to her Acres and if it thought it had any right, then a bruising was the least of what it was begging for, she was charging in and the thing was moving towards them, it might be too big to take off immediately, it needed some running room, and Fluttershy's eyes were getting wider still, the pupils more focused, angrier --

-- Applejack's own instincts took over, swerved her to the left, nearly dumped her into the fouled grass. Anything to keep from getting in front of what was coming next. From being able to see it. From being seen.

It was over. She already knew it. The goose was about to find out.

"...NO! How DARE you! You're just visiting here, and you think -- GET OUT!"

As it turned out, the goose couldn't take off immediately. It wasn't all that good at changing direction in a hurry either, and so went underneath Fluttershy before skidding into a tree.

Its head fit nicely into Applejack's own hoof imprints, but not for long.

It rebounded. It staggered. And then it ran, trying to get anywhere which wasn't where they were, where she was, and they heard the wings pushing at the air, the honk of takeoff, of retreat...

Slowly, Fluttershy landed, acquired her first mess, didn't seem to notice or care. All four knees trembled, and would not stop.

"...sorry..."

Applejack just barely managed the exhale.

"You okay?"

"...yes... mostly... I just... I hate that, I..."

Slowly, Applejack approached, rubbed her side against huddled wing, held the position until the vibrations began to slow.

"You're okay, Fluttershy. It's okay. Everything's gonna be okay..."

Silence. She felt the pegasus' rib cage expanding and contracting against her own.

"It's... just the Stare. That's all. Nothin' y'haven't done before, when y'needed to. Nothin' y'won't do again when we all need it. Y'can handle it. Y'always do."

Finally, "...yes." (Applejack smiled.) "...but... there's more of them. I hope it doesn't come to that with all of them, I hope on Celestia's mane that the rest of them will listen. But... with that flock name... Applejack, he... wasn't nice, not even a little nice, and there's a flock..."

"So," Applejack cautiously asked, "how many in a flock?"

"...well..."

The burst of green flame exploded directly in front of their snouts.

They both jumped. (Fluttershy's ended with her still in the air.) The scroll dropped, almost landing on the last patch of local clean ground.

Almost.

"...um..."

She sighed. "Ah'll get it. Guess Twi jus' got wind of this..." It wasn't a pleasant process, but she managed to keep her mouth entirely out of it and pin the thing open between her forehooves, executing a very awkward lean-forward in order to read it while keeping her barrel off the dirt. "'To Applejack' -- hey, wait. 'To?' Since when does Twi open with a 'To'?"

"...Applejack, didn't you hear? Twilight's..."

But she was reading. It didn't take long.

"Aw, no... it's the mayor."

"...what does she want?"

The letter had been very short, and Applejack's reply practically quoted the entirety of it. "All of us. At the Town Hall. Now."

Comments

[Crack-Fic Casey]

"My plants!"

"My sidewalk!"

Because everything was completely under control.

"My porch!"

"My hooves!"

My Leg!

wings powerful enough to bruise an earth pony body would do Celestia-knew-what to a more delicate (if oddly sturdy) pegasus, it was going to get in the air

Can it fly and punch things with its wings at the same time?

[Brumby_Run]

Between Discord, Harry the bear, and Angel bunny, it's a wonder that anypony tries to skip out without paying. Maybe she ought to put up a sign...

[Bronzedragon]

it was funny to start with and kept getting better. At this point I lost it " Fluttershy briefly went full Twilight." Having seen and in a few small ways dealt with geese your description is spot on.

[SWEETOLEBOB18]

As good as anything you've written. One change, after Harry doesn't make change , I'd add but he DOES make house calls.

[Talon and Thorn]

-- Fluttershy briefly went full Twilight.

You never go full Twilight!

"...wherever he lands. Whatever he flies over. His name is... Owns Everything -- no, that's not his name, it's the name of his flock, and he wants us off his land and out of his sky, or he's going to --"

Yep, extreme territorialness, this is going to cause a few problems then.

[xoid]

No “My cabbages!”? Estee, I am disappoint.

[WiseFireCracker]

And really, it was amazing how nopony ever managed to mention the bear.

That line was made of win.

[raven618]

The name of the flock is "Owns Everything." That makes sense.

[Kitcat36]

Wow, someone REALLY doesn't like Canada geese, huh, Estee?

[Bookeater_otaku]

"...I," Fluttershy decided, "shall call him Mister Honksworth. Of the Quebuck Honksworths."

Hahahahaha. Quebuck = Québec. Good one.

[SWEETOLEBOB18]

"Harry's gonna stay right here an' make sure the bits go in the box an' stay in the box, 'cause if'fin they don't, y'know what we're gonna need? A bigger box. Harry, waitin' on that box -- oh, right: y'can't understand me ... okay, maybe five minutes an' then we're gonna have a box. An' for the record? He don't make change ."

He DOES, however, make house calls.