Sunset's Salmonela Sickness
For the third time in a row, I woke up to the slight chuckles and giggles coming from Twilight in the middle of the night.
I would go to my own house if I could, but since it was… flooded, I had to ask Twilight to settle in with her until it was repaired. Normally, I would be grateful for such a courteous action.
And I was. It’s just that Twilight has a certain problem whenever she reads too late before bed. She fantasizes about her books in her dreams. Sometimes it’s screeches and battle cries, sometimes it's passionate love sounds. For the past three days, she’d been engrossed in a book titled “A Million Ways To LOL”.
“Twilight… I swear you make me want to choke a puppy…” I said into my pillow. I probably wasn’t going to sleep anytime soon, so I sat up in a daze and slowly stumbled out of the room, closing the door behind me. I looked straight forward into Twilight’s kitchen and walked towards it. Without turning the light on, I walked to the fridge and opened it slightly.
Pepsi.
“Good thing I’m not thirsty,” I said annoyedly. After closing the fridge, I opened the freezer and found two buckets of chicken, one from KFC, and one from Popeyes. I found it odd that anyone would put a bucket of chicken in a freezer, but Twilight wasn’t exactly the most normal of girls. Noticing how hungry I was, I reached for the KFC bucket and pulled it out of the fridge. “She won’t mind if I have a few pieces, right?”
I closed the fridge, turned to the right, and met face to face with an unamused Pinkie Pie.
“GAH!” I yelled, tossing the bucket into the air and jumping backwards. “Pinkie, what the heck!?”
“I could not be more disappointed in you, Sunset Shimmer,” said Pinkie with a shake of the head.
“What are you doing here!?” I asked, giving up my quiet tone. “It’s 1:30 in the morning!”
“Forget that!” said Pinkie pointing to the fallen bucket of chicken. “You have failed my test.”
“Your test?”
“Yeah, my test!” She said. “I put those buckets of chicken in there knowing that Twilight would wake you up, you’d leave your bed, you’d check the fridge, see Pepsi and bail, check the freezer and choose which bucket of chicken you like most!” said Pinkie, all in one breath.
“How could you have possibly known that?!”
“Duh,” she said. “Maud told me.”
“Maud?”
“Yeah, with her Maud Sense.”
“Hold on a second,” I said. “So let me run that logic back to you. You left your home. You got into your car. You drove however far to the nearest Popeye’s and KFC. You entered said Popeye’s and KFC. You stood in line. You ordered your food. You waited for your food. You received two hot buckets of chicken. You took those hot buckets of chicken back into your car, drove to Twilight’s house, took those hot buckets of chicken out of your car, brought them into Twilight’s house, and put it… into her freezer.”
“Yeah, that’s about the gist of it,” said Pinkie with a nod.
“Pinkie, you’re insane!” I yelled. “Absolutely insane!”
Twilight came into the kitchen and cocked her shotgun.
“Who’s in here!” she yelled. ”I better see hands!”
“Whoa, whoa, Twilight!” I said, putting my hands up. “It’s us! Pinkie and Sunset!” Twilight flicked on the lights and blinked a few times to adjust. Once she verified it was us, she lowered the barrel of her shotgun.
“What are you two doing up so late?”
“I couldn’t fall asleep cause you kept giggling,” I said defensively.
“I’m just here for the chicken,” said Pinkie, taking a bite of presumably frozen Popeyes chicken.
“More importantly, why do you own a shotgun?” I asked.
“W-Why do you own a shotgun?” asked Twilight defensively.
“What kind of comeback is that? What is even going on here?” I asked. “Pinkie, go home. Twilight, go to sleep. Quietly, please.”
“Yes sir!” said Pinkie, acting strangely obedient. “Night Twilight!”
“G-Goodnight, Pinkie,” said Twilight, hiding her gun behind her as if no one could see it. I sighed and walked back to the room silently.
“Aw, man,” I said, rubbing my belly. “Now I want some chicken…”
Saturday is my favorite day. I don’t have a job, could push homework off until later, and basically am devoid of all responsibility. Nothing beats a Saturday.
Twilight was an early riser, despite our confrontation that morning. Really, if she would stop mumbling in her sleep, I’d ask to be her permanent roommate. During the day, she valued quiet, but let me hook up my guitar when she wasn’t reading. She was also super lenient whenever I asked her to get Coke from the store (aside from a few quotes I’m pretty sure Adolf Hitler said…).
On a Saturday such as that day, Twilight could normally be found reading a book. Actually, on any day, that’s what she could be found doing. When I walked into her small living room, I didn’t find her at her normal spot on her couch. I assumed that she might’ve gotten hungry and went to the kitchen, but found no one there. Skeptical, I stepped forward and opened the fridge.
A small piece of paper fell to the ground. I bent down to pick it up and read it aloud.
“Turn around,” I read. I raised an eyebrow before slowly turning around, expecting the worst. When I turned around, a table mysteriously appeared with two boxes on the table. One labeled KFC and one Popeyes. I sighed. “Seriously Pinkie, knock it off.”
No response. I sighed and turned towards the door. I needed a break from that girl’s crazy. When I reached for the door handle, an electric shock surged through my hand, making me yelp in pain. Further up on the door was another note.
“Escape is futile?” I read. “The only way to escape is by passing my test?” I vowed right there that I’d definitely kill Pinkie the next time I saw her.
I turned towards the two boxes and glared at them for a second. I walked over to the table and flipped them open.
Inside were two rows of biscuits. The left was KFC, the right, Popeyes. They were both giving off a very warm feeling, meaning they had just been prepared.
“Pinkie didn’t walk into the house…” I said. “So she didn’t go out and get them. I didn’t hear the microwave going off, so she didn’t prepare them that way…”
In the middle of my thinking, an arrow with a suction end planted itself on my forehead. After coming off of the initial shock, I pulled it off. I read the note that was attached.
“Get on with it, already!” said the note, written in different handwriting. In fact, I recognized it as Twilight’s. I sighed and crumpled up the note. “Fine.” I reached into the Popeye’s container and picked a biscuit out. I knew that Pinkie wanted me to pick the Popeyes, so I would give her what she wanted. Quickly, I took a large bite out of the dough and chewed.
Just as quickly, I coughed it out.
“What was that?” I asked. Looking the biscuit over. “It tastes like… Pepsi…”
Another note could be found under the biscuit. When I picked it up, I couldn’t help but facepalm because of what it said.
“So, I kinda soaked them in Pepsi by accident, ” I read. “My bad. Wink tongue face.” Just under that, it continued. “Now turn around again.”
I did as I was instructed. Very reluctantly. Behind me, another table stood in front of the fridge, miraculously donned with two bowls of steaming hot rice and beans. I wiped my mouth and slowly walked over to them.
“Did they get their hands on Equestrian magic or something?” I asked myself. Once I looked down at the bowls, I found that I had a serious problem.
I couldn’t tell which was which. If I picked the KFC one, I had reason to believe that Pinkie would actually keep me in this kitchen.
She was insane, after all.
“Okay,” I said, grabbing the provided spoon. “Just take it nice and slow.” I gave each one a sniff and found that the left one smelled better. So, I dipped my spoon in the bowl.
In a flash, a lot of things happened. My face was nearly burnt off from the searing heat of the rice and beans. My eardrums felt like they were hit with a flashbang, and I fell backwards, screaming because of the heat on my face.
It took me a few minutes to calm down. Once the rice and beans became cool enough to withstand, I got up and washed my face in the sink. Afterwards, I saw that a small explosion had gone off in Twilight’s kitchen, painting everything with brown sauce and grains of rice. Both Twilight and Pinkie revealed themselves to be hiding in the cupboard under the sink after I started screaming.
“Sorry,” said Twilight with a bow. “I didn’t mean to go this far.”
“Yeah,” said Pinkie. I flashed her a look of tired agony. “I just wanted you to see the excellence that is Popeyes!”
“I can’t entertain that with a proper response right now,” I said. Pinkie got up and left the room, returning a few seconds later with a drumstick. I looked at it and realized that I hadn’t had any food other than those two sides… or one and a grenade.
“Pinkie, stop it,” said Twilight. “I don’t think she wants any-” Pinkie stuck the drumstick in my mouth for me, letting me take a good bite. After a few chews, I swallowed.
“Soooo?” asked Pinkie. “Was it good?”
“It was good, Pinkie Pie,” I said.
“That’s good.” She was silent for a few seconds. “Do you-”
“Pinkie, if you mention Pepsi, I will actually kill you.”
“Shoot.”
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Pinkie Pie carries Equestrian Blood in her, to be confirmed,
Also, clearly insane.
Would not recommend being within twenty feet of for more than six seconds.
If found within twenty feet of one Pinkamena Diane Pie for more than six seconds, please contact your local psychiatrist and/or police department.
7126544 Yeah, that about sums up what you should do in case you see Pinkie Pie.
Also, fight any and all urges to binge sweets.
*Stares at cookies from afar, fidgeting slightly*
Hmm, Popeye's biscuits are superior, but on the chicken side I really don't eat that for fast food... *heads to Bo-Diddley's for a gyro*
I was about to ask you why the hell you wrote this, and what the hell was wrong with you. Then I realized that I was clutching my gut and crying because I found it hilarious, so... Yeah.
For anyone wondering, KFC is objectively inferior to Popeye's in just about every way. It's just the truth.
You're going to run out of aliteration soon, and then what're you gonna do? Huh? Huh? HUH?!
7126584 Heads to who what now?
7126603 Uh... Uh.... Uh...
What are you gonna do, huh?!
I think Pinkie has a death wish
At least it's not about underwear.
I don't like Pepsi, nor Coke. What Pinkie would say about that?
Also, poor Sunset, living in a world full of maniacs.
Funny fic, by the way ^^.
7127108 Pinkie has no concept of a death wish!
And no concept of Overkill, while we're on the subject.
7127130 What do you mean by that?
7128290 She'd probably invite you to her parties, but only serve Pepsi in an attempt to sway you.
Sunset is basically screwed at this point.
Thanks!
7128813 I've drank both Pepsi and Coke, and their taste really displeases me. So I won't be swayed. As a matter of fact, I'm not really found of any kinda of Soda, heck, I can barely drink Sprite or Guaraná (brazilian soda). I prefer juice. Or water.
And poor, poor Sunset. With friends like these, who needs enimies?
You're welcome, please, make more sequels! ^^
7128810 I mean it's like, for example, which underwear has more sex appeal?
7129456 I'm thinking about it, I'm thinking about it...
Let me get my phone. Maybe it'll give me an idea...
7129608 Uh... I don't know. Haven't seen enough underwear on women to really pick.
Wait, did the purpose of the question go right over my head? Was I supposed to answer that? I'm so confuzzled.
Twilight came into the kitchen and cocked her shotgun.
Fantastic line. Fantastic delivery. Top kek.
7129967 Ahaha! Thanks. I almost forgot about that one.
I can't believe you eat at Chick-fil-a. They're the devil.
7133071 I don't actually. I've only seen one Chick-fil-A in my entire life.
7133505 Don't eat there.
7133754 Roger that.
KFC and Popeyes used to be equal in my eyes. Yes, Popeye's chicken is superior in every way, but KFC offered something that Popeyes did not: BBQ wings, the taste of which I actually liked quite a bit. Thus, I had a reason to visit both from time to time.
Then KFC stopped selling BBQ wings. Now they're completely worthless to me.
7135352 Accurate savagery.
Amusing.
Personally I prefer KFC to Popeyes, but I'm not crazy about either. It's just that I don't like spicy food, and Popeye's chicken tends to be spicier.
And what, no Church's Chicken?
7271285 I don't really live in a place that readily serves Church's Chicken (although, I also don't live in a place that readily serves Chick-fil-A either...) so, I didn't mention it. Sorry.
7273153 Heh heh. It's fine. I think I've eaten there maybe twice myself. XP
7133754 Chik-Fil-A is delicious. Sadly, I just can't give them my money, unless they decide to make amends for past transgressions.
Chicken sandwich, waffle fries, and a lemonade sound so good right now, too...
MARY BROWN'S FOR LIFE
Suck it nerds.
Sorry Sunny as much as I love you Pinkie is right Popeyes>KFC
Never had Popeye's. For me, it's KFC vs Jolibee. And for those not in the know, it's a chicken restaurant from the Philippines but has branches all around the world. The ones I can think of are the one in Anaheim and another one somewhere in Irvine, inside Seafood City. (Hint: It's on the left)
You can has review!