- Member Since 12th Feb, 2014
- offline last seen Jul 20th, 2023
DragonsHeart
I find that the plot is always the most important to me, everything else is just a wonderful bonus.
DragonsHeart
Joined 12th Feb, 2014 ·
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This actually seems like the beginning of a rather good story, despite it beeing clop
Hope that I can read some more chapters is the future.
7125030
I would never write just clop, any clop I write would have a plot... and lots of it
Well anyway I plan to write more soon, but will be third to my two other stories.
Hope you continue to enjoy
Should add a Futa tag to the warnings before someone bitches about it. "Massively Endowed" could refer to anything. Not that I mind it... well, except that I had to go down and check the groups to be sure it was futa. Which means I'll be at least trying to read it, because that's my groove. I'd read it right now, but bedtime.
Should also change "only female homosexual relationships" to "F/F, Futa/F," so people don't come in looking for just pure lesbian stuff.
TL;DR: Gonna read later, but learn Standard Porn Tagging Conventions and save yourself some grief.
7125211
Thanks for the warning
Get an editor, please.
Lot of mistakes to point out.
7125357
I do have an editor and a proof reader, what mistakes are there?
Can you point some out?
Ohhh
7125375
I was joking. Don't worry.
Except for this, though.
Rule of Thumb: Don't do that. It breaks immersion for the reader.
Sooooo cool i thought i was the inly one to use demons
While
7125568
You at least of giving me some hint of the fact
Sorry it is just someone put my story into help groups and I have no idea why
7126892
Fixed it
7125684
Doubtful, mate
Great idea, decent execution... but the grammar is a real mess. In a lot of places it looks like you let autocorrect have its way or just didn't go back and reread what you wrote. There are also a lot of places where you use bland language, plus full stops on short sentences that just come off as super-abrupt. Take this passage for example:
Okay, this paragraph. The first sentence? Way too short for a descriptive sequence. Comes off as kind of choppy. Also, instead of 'touch' I might suggest 'caress' and 'nearly erect dick' is just way too dry. Also: DESCRIPTION DESCRIPTION DESCRIPTION. I would instead suggest this:
"Twilight gasps, squeezing her eyes shut as Libi's tongue suddenly caresses her floppy half-boner, running up and down it's length as her gauntleted hands expertly massage the base and tip, forcing moans from Twilight's mouth."
See that there? Condense short sentences to fit into longer ones. Use sexier, more descriptive words, and more of them: purple prose is, to a point, a very good thing when it comes to erotic fiction. You also have the whole 'show, don't tell' problem but I know that's a giant bitch to get over so I won't harangue you about it.
Also, randomly: if you're talking horse-cock, you can replace 'base and tip' with 'sheath and flare' and people (like me) with a fetish for that will like it better. Now, let's do a longer one.
"It isn't long until it is fully erect." < This, this right here is super-dry. You can do one of two things with this. "In only a few (seconds or minutes), Twilight's shaft stood throbbingly erect." < Add more and better description, or combine it with the next sentence, like so: "After a few (seconds or minutes) of licking, Libi looks up to see the shaft throbbingly erect, and smirks before letting the rest of her tongue fall out of her mouth, revealing its full length to be well over a foot long!" Again, more description. Also note I'm correcting random typos as I go. I'm also see a lot of 'it is' that could be shortened to 'it's' though I'm removing most of those altogether in my rewrites. Like the 'it is over a foot long!' compared to 'its full length' which uses the possessive 'its' rather than the contraction 'it's.' And yes I know 'throbbingly' is triggering your spellchecker, it's not an actual word, but it works as an adjective for a penis that's hard to bursting.
"Her tongue then wraps itself around Twilight’s dick, squeezing and rubbing it like a small slimy snake, while Libi hands continue to massage it." < This passage is pretty okay actually, other than a missed possessive and an extraneous 'then' and 'it,' however, it could more efficiently combined with the next one, like so: "Her tongue wraps itself around Twilight’s dick, squeezing and rubbing like a small slimy snake, while Libi's hands continue to massage it, forcing more moans out of Twilight, her hands gripping the wall as her dick becomesgrows painfully hard."
'Becomes' and 'grows' both work there, but I think 'grows' works better. Yes, I clipped the last bit of that sentence, because it makes more sense to wrap it into the next one like so: "But right as Twilight is on the cusp of orgasm, Libi pulls her head and hands back, grinning as Twilight whimpers with need." < Also note, conveying a character's emotion through their expression is a decent way to convey their feelings about a particular event.
So, I think I've been writing a corrective comment about a piece of simple porn long enough, here's the original passage and suggested revision:
I'm sorry if I sound insulting (I usually tend to when I'm trying to teach for some reason) but I do like the premise and I'd love to be able to read more, I'd just rather not cringe at the writing while I enjoy the subject matter. You've got promise, you just need some work and experience to smooth out the wrinkles.
As an aside about an aside, as was noted by another commenter, the (disgusting right) in the first chapter. If you want to make asides like this, you want to be sure they're in the character's voice. Like this: "leather bound book (ew ew ew!)" Sounds more like Twilight expressing disgust at the leather than a jaded, expressionless 'disgusting right' plus, italics are generally used to convey that this bit is the character's thoughts, making it feel more like it was a thought aside of the character rather than an in-the-middle-of-the-fic author's note.
And before you ask, no, I can't edit/proofread. I'm too much of a procrastinator myself and I have things I should be writing of my own.
EDIT: Oh, and if it wasn't obvious, tracking so I can read more chapters.
by the end of this they will kiss each other on the lips, I'm about 30% on that.
7127698 To be honest this is my first published clop, I written them before and never published them cause they were rubbish.
But now I am slowly getting better and I bet by the end of this story it will be much better.
So give me time, I promise you I will improve.
7129781
And that is all anyone can ask. I look forward to watching you improve.
>but touching or putting anything inside my vagina or butt!
-'no touching', you meant, right?
7137975 Fixed that
nice
The title made me think of Darksiders II.
7154140
I love Darksiders but have never been able to finish 2, but I see why the title Corruption, would make you think that.
This is gonna be good :D.
Ooo! Romantic smut story! Kinda got that feel when she mentioned kissin a demon.
7158696
Or when it was called: A Demon's Love Story... or maybe the romance tag.
7160099 Nope! Just the kiss part.
Great chapter keep it up.
make the demon fall in love plz
Little baby demon Twilight's I can see it now.
Twilight mentally prays for Spike to hurry up, before she does something very inappropriate to Spike’s head….
Ahahaha that killed me XD
I'm expecting Twilight to wake up on an improvised water-bed, given her situation.
7314566 It'd be funnier if spike went down and all he could see was twilight seemingly sleeping face down in mid air. I'd love to see her explain that one!
great story and why do I feel like something going to happen and libs going full succubies but something happen and they all learn twilight dick is here to stay for good cause of her alicron nature....
Great chapter
Twilight getting romancy feelings for Libi ( At least I think so)
I am mos exited where this will go, probably one of my most eagerly followed Stories atm, can't wait for it to continue.
one thing to say to this * what the buck is wrong with you spike knocking at the worst moment lol (love the work
Noice.
We cannot wait for the next chapter
Hmmm ... Plot point...
Hooray for quick updates!
Thank you kindly
7499110
Don't thank me too quickly, this'll be the last chapter in a while possibility, since the new Deus Ex game is coming out in the next few days.
Totally not some more foreshadowing in this chapter.
7499132 *adorable whining noise*
damn it twilight
That was fun, may I have another? Looking forward to more.
Keep up the good work. Deus tecum.
payback is a dish best seved horny lol
Oh, this was updated? Nice.
Yay! more story!
Ferrymen.
Really?
You couldn't come up with a more obvious death-like race if you tried.
But it does make me curious what the name of their leader is.
Charon? Or is that the name of the late husband of the current leader?
7684383 Might as well, I haven't tried to disguise anyone else, demons are demons, angels are angels, dryads are dryads, reapers are reapers.
Also you'll never find out! In this story at least, since she doesn't turn on until the next one.
7684394 Plans already for a sequel, huh?
Sweet.
...
...
...
There should be a feature to let people double-like fics.
7684430 Three actually: Corruption: Queen of the Ethereals, Corruption: Banishment, Corruption: Redemption, in that order.