• Member Since 25th Jun, 2014
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Comments ( 265 )

Fix, Change and Re-Upload, Huh? Was There Something Wrong with the Original?

I Wonder What Will Happen Next? to be honest while I was looking forward to some more updates to your other stories, I almost forgot about this one.

7161610 Most of the chapters were rushed and the storyline was kinda bland for my taste

It's not gonna become overly meta like the last time, right?

So are any of the mane six going to become vampires in this revamped fic?

7161652 No it won't. It'll pretty much be her and Trixie traveling Equestria.....That's all I can say. Don't want to give any spoils

7161654 Can't tell you that. You'll have to wait until the story progress.

7161646 I See.

I Know You Don't Want to Reveal Spoilers, But Is "Celestia" Still the Stubborn, Arrogant, Racist, Ruler that She Is in the original? or is it somepony else? *cough luna cough*

7161704 All I'll say is be prepare for Trixie and Veronica to be on the run from almost everyone :3

What Overlord is this displaced from? The game series or something else?

This is a revamped story, huh that means that I haven't read many of your stories :/

7161718 Novel series, just using the animated series for help

For a moment I was expecting her to pull a Rita Repulsa:

This appears to have potential, chapter's a little short though.

7161713 Ah Crap It's "Renegades of Equestria" all over again right? (Good Story...)

Except Veronica is by herself and probably [PROBABLY] the only lone displace in her universe. (For Now...)

She may have Trixie with her, but Trixie can barely fend for herself. she's screwed if she gets into another magic duel with twilight.

multiple reasons why Shalltear (Veronica) is being hunted:

Twilight: Probably wants to capture, question, study, convince her into accepting friendship and under the orders from Celestia.

Rainbow: Responsible for finding and releasing her from her coffin, distrust her immediately from her actions (She May have protected them from the golems, but after seeing what she's capable of.)

Rarity: wants to make a new line in fashion based off shalltear's fashion design.

Celestia: Probably Accuses Shalltear of being evil with her affinity with dark magic and being a vampire. past actions she may have committed and grudges.

She was in a Trance while in her Armor form and is suffering from amnesia.

While Sleep is good and important to ones health, it's probably not a good idea to sleep in a world where a Certain Princess can enter the dreams of anyone whose asleep. If Luna does know or remembers her, she'll probably call or lash out at her for crimes she cannot remember or becomes curious about her and will ask celestia about shelltear's history when she awakens from the dream realm. which she'll most likely believe the bull-:yay:t story that her sister told her and will be the one to hunt her down.

Celestia will tell Twilight and her Friends about the story and her encounter with shalltear. twilight and her friends will obviously believe Celestia's word that shelltear is evil and must be stopped. but I wonder if any of twilight's friends will have second thoughts about her after seeing that shalltear is suffering from amnesia? that's highly doubtful...

Also is that ":yay:-clown" blueblood going to appear like he was in the original? because if he is... He should die in a horrible and yet satisfying death.

Intriguing. :trixieshiftright: Even the amnesia bit seems to fit in well enough.
That said, do be a bit more careful.

Was Trixie’s prays been answered?

"Have Trixie's prayers been answered?"

Bring back her spear, the vampire’s body turned into a silvery-grey like mist as she dodge the other manticore’s from lunging at her.

"Bringing back her spear, the vampire's body dissolved into a silvery mist, her ghostly form twining around the other manticore as it lunged through her."

She said as the orb on the lance change from lavender purple, to a mix of crimson and black.

"She said as the orb in the middle of the lance changed from a glowing purple to a swirling mix of crimson and black."

The beast roared at it tried to knock the vampire’s separ from out of it’s back.

"... spear ..."

In a matter of minutes, the manticore stopped moving as it let out a mighty roar before collapsing to the ground dead.

-Recommend seconds, otherwise it would not cease its struggles so soon. Conversely, you could keep 'minutes' and have ALL of its moisture removed, mummifying it. Regardless, in either case, the crooning roar at the end needs to happen before the draining process ends-

The vampire pulled her lance out of the manticores back as the blood from the manticore started flow from out of the beast and into the blood orb. As the orb began to grow bigger, Trixie notice something heading towards the vampire.

"... manticore's back ..."
-if it was being drained before, then where the blood was going should have already been mentioned. Perhaps it might be the last straggling drops lifting from the tip of the spear. They might even catch a glint of light, drawing Trixie's attention away from her savior towards the blood orb, and catch upon the next manticore-

The Manticore looked at the dead dried up corpses of his pack, then back at the vampire.

-lose the dead, what else would corpses be?-
-recommend glance rather than look here (denotes speed)-

“Amazing. How is she able to move so quickly like that?” Trixie asked as she notice the vampire’s hand beginning to glow scarlet red.

-needs indentation, or not, just make the whole chapter consistent-
-"How can you move like that?", but cut off the "like that" even if it isn't supposed to be addressed directly to the vampire, it's a bit redundant-
"... Trixie asked, noticing the vampire's ..."

This girl, her savior in scarlet armor appeared out of nowhere, took on

"... her savior in scarlet armor, appeared ..."

As the blood began to come towards her, the ball from before started to grow bigger to that of the size of Trixie’s home. Opening her mouth, the blood began to flow into her body at a steady pace as the orb became smaller and smaller by the second.

-Why is the blood ball growing, I thought it had already pooled into one large floating sphere, so where is the extra mass coming from, or did you mean to say it was farther away and 'grew' as it got closer?-
-Did is suffuse through her skin, hair, or did it flow soundlessly into her mouth like a water into a bottomless chasm?-

With a small gulp from the vampire, the armor she was wearing and along with lance she was carrying disappeared in a flash of light. As Trixie covered her eyes for a few second, she looked upon the girl who was now wearing a black licorice purple colored dress bits of dark magenta on it. After the transformation completed, the girl collapsed onto the ground causing Trixie to run over to the vampire.

-Trixie's doesn't need to cover her eyes if the light is already gone, like in a flash, though she might blink away the spots-
-suggest having her fall to the ground after the flash and then have the armor change into the dress as Trixie tries to prop her up. Also, you might want to take another look at the description of her dress, it sounds like it's made of bits candy, cloth, and non-Euclidean geometry-

Well then, awaiting awkward meeting, it shall be glorious.

Why? I felt that you were going so good. Now... I don't even know you. Ta ta~

7170089 Welp seeya. No skin off my bones if you don't find it interesting anymore

7170194 interesting so far. I'll follow along for now. Btw is this anthro equestria or wut?

Edit: nvm. Didn't see the anthro tag before i read the chapters.:twilightblush:

7172710 looking forward to more of your chapter bro. Till your next upload.

This is a very interesting story to read I'll always follow this story your doing great keep up the good work i hope she stays with trixie it would be cool if trixie was her master that what I think. Update more of this story soon. :twilightsmile:

Revamp of a vamp story ..nice
Still a few spelling errors here and there but overall I like this version better
You've already earned meh follow ElementBrigade what more can ah do ?

Oh snap ... And Luna's on her way too ... This should be good

Wow, the Mane Six were being stupid... If they just spoke diplomatically first, with neither sneaking nor bondage being involved as Plan A, then they would've likely met with more sacrifice. Inquired what happened during her encounter with Trixie, and they might've actually had a chance... In short, the Mane Six are fucking awful at anything diplomatic, much less social!

In short: I'm salty.

7181009 Can't blame them for being stupid. They pretty much follow what princess Celestia says.

7181041 True. However, just because it's understandable, doesn't make me any less salty...:duck:

7181084 Sorry; that was the closest thing to an overly dramatic pout...

As I suspected. The mane six bring disposable pawns for the false princess.

JOIN CHAOS!!! You get hefty rewards from our gracious gods and life insurance.

I must say, I'm leaning towards Luna on this one, if only because it's been some time since the vampire has had a proper meal, and each second wasted is another potential meat-sack for it to sink its fangs in to.

Night court is suspended until thoughter notice.

- further -

You meet Trixie didn’t you?

- But you just met Trixie didn't you? -

All I Can Say is Certain... Luna Is gonna get severely punished for this, for going against Celestia's Orders and making it difficult for Shalltear to Trust them. Granted she killed their father before she was sealed away, she probably [PROBABLY] wasn't conscious at the time in her Scarlet Armor and probably wasn't aware of it after being sealed away. (But that alone wouldn't be enough to persuade Luna. only make her more angry at Shalltear.)

Is Shalltear's past gonna be the same or different this time? Where she was horribly treated and abused both physically and sexually by the ones who calls themselves her Master? (And Luna causing her Nightmares of the past will not make things better...)

Everytime whenever the Mane-six do this, It Always ends in failure. They're screwed if they continue to push shalltear to her limit. three are probably gonna get beaten physically while the other two are almost [ALMOST] gonna get nearly killed. But that's probably where Luna will appear and attack Shalltear.

Either the next or two chapters is when the ":yay:-clown" Prince gonna appear and claim his "Inheritance".

I look forward to some more in the future.

well time to put on the armor and beat them all into submission cause as much as id like her to kill them that would end the story pretty quickly and nobody wants that

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