• Published 15th Jun 2012
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Red Vs Blue: Epsilon in Equestria - The Sentient Cloud



When Church is sucked back into the Epsilon Unit, he finds himself in a world filled with ponies.

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Chapter 12: The Blue Parasprite

Ponyville Town Square:

Twilight sighed as she stroked her mane with one hoof, smoothing a few stray hairs back down. “Ugh. This was a bad idea. What am I going to do?”
“Now why would ya say that?” Applejack smiled as another customer approached, two bits held in his magical aura.

“Because everything’s going wrong.” Twilight grimaced. “Church is so strange… he’s so angry, I mean, look at what happened with Rainbow!”
“Yer surprised that Rainbow and somepony didn’t get along?” Applejack gestured at one of the many apples adorning the stall, which her customer gladly took, depositing the two bits in its place.

“I didn’t think it would turn out like this.” Twilight gave another little sigh. “Maybe I should just send Church to Canterlot, and let the princess handle him.”

“Now hold up there.” Applejack placed her full attention on Twilight. “That aint fair, Twi. Church and Dash jus’ don’t get along. It happens. Ya can’t just give up and send him away jus' ‘cause he’s a little strange.”

Twilight looked away. “But… he dodges all my questions. He doesn’t talk.”
“And? That’s all part o’ the fun. Some ponies are jus’ like that. They’ve got stuff they jus’ don’t wanna talk about. Remember when ya first came to Ponyville? Yall were the only one ready t' give Zecora a chance. Same with Princess Luna. Why can'tcha do that again with Church?”

Twilight’s face showed that she still wasn’t convinced – eliciting an irritated sigh from Spike as Applejack continued.

“Listen. If it bothers ya that much, why don’tcha let ‘im stay over at the ranch for the night? Ya can think things over and come find ‘im in the mornin’.”
“Yeah. Sure.” Twilight sighed yet again. “I need time to clear my head anyway.”

She looked up at the sun as it steadily made it’s way through the sky, starting to dip low for the evening.
“Now ah’m sorry, Twi, but I gotta pack things up. It’s getting late.” Applejack continued, stepping back from her stall, which now had less than a dozen apples on display.

“Sure." Twilight turned to go. "I’ll see you in the morning, Applejack. Good luck with Church.”
“Ah’m sure he’ll be no trouble ‘tall.” Applejack replied confidently.

“Uh-huh.” Twilight gave Applejack deadpan look, followed by a forced smile. “Thanks for the advice, AJ. Come on Spike. Let’s go home.”
“Finally!” Spike exclaimed, oblivious to Twilight’s mood. “I’m hungry!”

***

Sweet Apple Acres:

Church sighed into his empty mug. There was only one more on the table, and without a doubt it was Big Mac’s. He had worked his way to the bottom of eight mugs, while big Mac was still moving through his fifth.

As if the red stallion had read Church’s mind, Big Mac wordlessly reached forward, pushing the mug towards Church.

Church looked from the mug, and then to Big Mac.
“Seriously.” He droned, his voice slightly slurred. “What is it with you pe… pe… po…” He paused. “Uhh… Ponies. Yeah." He cleared his throat. "What is it with you ponies? You keep doing shit for everyone else. Why?”

Big Mac shrugged. “Just ‘cause.” There was barely any slur to his voice. This cider was really light on the alcohol. It was a good thing ponies had large stomachs, or Church would have been bloated with how much he’d drunk.

“No… no… Not ‘just ‘cause’.” Church muttered. “I’m in the freaking military. My entire fucking job is to shoot at people.” He paused as Big Mac raised a confused eyebrow, but then foraged on. “And apparently, you ponies don’t even know what a gun is. I…” He stopped, looking at Big Mac.
“I just don’t get it. Why… Why help others? That’s not what we do. Humans aren’t… aren’t like that.”

“Hoo-mans?” The stallion replied.
“Ah, forget it.” Church pushed the mug back to Big Mac. “’Sun's going down anyway. Bars’ll be open soon.” He mumbled. “So why not give the whole ‘sharing’ thing a try? Never have before.”

Without questioning Church’s heel-face turn, Big Mac accepted the mug, quickly finishing of his fifth one to move onto the newcomer.

Church gave a little sigh, and stood up. “Listen, I’m gonna take a quick walk, you know. Just outside. ‘s that okay?”
“Eeyup.”
“Cool.” He replied curtly. “When you’re done with that, you know, let’s hit the town. I’m ready for some fun for once.”

Big Mac had no reply as Church walked out of the room. He simply remained where he was, sipping at the Cider.

***

Church trotted back through the living room, presenting his shoulder the front door of the house/barn in order to push it open, only to have the door open just before he reached it.

“Woah, hold up there partner!” Applejack took a step back as Church nearly barged into her. “Whatcha doing leaving in such a hurry?”

“Huh?” Church stumbled to a stop. “Oh, I’m just going for a walk…” He smiled. “Before me and Big Mac go out and hit the town."
The very thought made Church happy. Finally, after years of monotony, he would be doing something fun.

“Hitting the town, eh?” Applejack raised an eyebrow. “We’ll see about that.”
Church smiled uneasily as the mare barged past him, walking through to the dinning room to talk with her brother.

“Hah.” He laughed weakly. ‘I wonder if Big Mac’s whipped by his sister.
Leaving the two to what was probably going to be a very one sided argument, Church trotted out through the door.

The sun was dropping below the horizon, painting the sky a brilliant crimson. Of course, Church’s first thought was that he preferred the sky when it was blue.

***

“Just wha’ do you think yer doin’, Big Macintosh…” Applejack scowled. “Going out and ‘hittin’ the town’?”
Big Mac shrugged.
“Nah-uh.” The orange mare shook her head. “I’m not lettin’ you two leave until ya tell me why.”

“Church needs a drink.” The red stallion spoke simply.
“More than that.”
“He’s feelin’ down.”
“More than that.”

Big Mac sighed.
“He’s actin’ all sad, and he’s talkin’ about these things called ‘hoo-mans’.”
“So why are y’all goin’ out on the town?”
“’cause he really needs it.” Big Mac’s mask of neutrality twitched in a frown. He couldn’t understand why Applejack was being so stubborn.

Really needs it?” Applejack peered at her brother, giving a little sigh as he returned the gaze.

“Eeyup.”

The mare’s face fell as she observed nothing short of the straight truth in Big Mac’s gaze.
“That much? Maybe Twi does have her hooves full.”
“Maybe.” Big Mac grasped his mug, downing the last of the cider. “Kin we go then?”

“Just keep ‘im outta trouble.” Applejack frowned. “Ah mean it. Ya think ya can do that?”
“Eeyup.” Big Mac smiled as he stood up. It was time to go get a drink.

Walking out through the kitchen – and then the living room – Big Mac smiled broadly. He hadn’t had a proper beer in months. It wasn’t like Ponyville had a lively nightlife.

Church was just outside, only thirty feet from the barn with his gaze fixed firmly on the sky as the last vestiges of light faded.

The cobalt stallion looked down, breaking his apparent staring contest with the first star of the night as Big Mac approached.
“We good to go?”
“Eeyup.”
“Then let’s go. I would kill for a beer right damn now.” Church motioned for the red stallion to take the lead.

Big Macintosh raised an eyebrow as they started walking. This pony kept talking about violence in such a casual way. Where was he from?

***

The Blue Parasprite:

“The Blue… Parasprite?” Church cocked an eyebrow, before looking at Big Mac.
“The Blue Parasprite.” He replied simply, walking towards the door.

“The first part’s great, but what the hell is a Parasprite?”

The Stallion’s only reply was to push the door open with his hoof, exposing a reasonably lit bar.

Church stepped through the door, surprised. His vague memories from the Director seemed to recall much seedier establishments, most of them obscured by low lighting. This bar, however, had fairly standard lighting, with clean tables and even a piano in the corner.

That didn’t really matter, though. All that mattered was that the place served booze.

“Fuck yeah!” Church exclaimed. “And just as I was loosing my buzz!”