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Reagent Reaper Really Resents Wrecked Relics

When the Crystal heart was shattered, the empire and everyone within were put in great danger. But for two ponies, the stakes were even higher. This is their story.

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Comments ( 3 )

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Tamerlane1405

Tamerlane1405 #1 · May 4th, 2016 · · ·

This was a decent story, but it was very rushed. A lot of the things Reagent says to herself could probably have been more effectively added through internal dialogue, the part where she's warned about the impending danger is glossed over when it probably shouldn't have been, and both the plot and the pacing were way to fast to make this a meaningful story. In order to truly get a sense of the conflict going through the character's heads we have to be given a deep and thorough look into their thought processes throughout the story, this is especially true for one-shots. Without that essential element we as readers are left with a boring narrative that tells us little more than what an actual third-person observer might see. In the end I feel like this could've been a much better story had it been longer and the scenes more carefully flushed out.

Comment posted by StoryEdge deleted May 5th, 2016

StoryEdge

StoryEdge #3 · May 5th, 2016 · · ·

7187265

Thank you very much for the feedback! I do agree on the criticisms. I'm considering creating a longer version of this sometime, I actually had to trim it down a lot because of a 2,500 word limit on the contest I wrote it for. I'll bear that in mind about the internal monologue, I probably should have done that.
Thank you very much for the feedback, I really appreciate it. It helps me to know that the cutbacks did have an impact on the story's quality. I will have to see about fixing that sometime.