Sunset Vs. The Yule Log
Hearth's Warming Eve dinner with the Sparkle family had been a lavish affair, with all manner of traditional dishes including, to Sunset Shimmer's delight—and later lament—six-layer bean dip. Delight because it had been absolutely delicious.
The lament came much, much later, once Sunset had said her goodbyes, thanked Mrs. Velvet for the wonderful meal, and gone home.
A sound not unlike two swamps eating a third, bigger swamp echoed off the tile walls of Sunset's bathroom, impressively unimpeded by the barrier of orange ass firmly pressed against cheap plastic toilet seat. Sunset's face twisted in a pained grimace, grunting as she strained to birth a continent of crap.
She understood, only now, why Twilight's weird uncle jokingly referred to the bean dip as "The Pipe Cleaner".
Fifteen grueling minutes later, during which Sunset gazed long into the vast infinity of the cosmos and found the answer to everything, the final convulsion of her sphincter heralded the end of the battle. Letting out a heavy, weary sigh, she wiped and flushed. She grabbed her panties and pajama bottoms and stood, pulling them up, then turned to spray some air freshener and close the lid.
She froze, staring into the porcelain basin in dismay, confusion, and horror.
A massive pile of fresh brown crap sat staunchly above the water line, stuck fast to the inside curve of the bowl.
Frowning, Sunset waited for the tank to finish filling, then flushed again. The water in the bowl swirled down the drain and the bowl refilled. The shit stayed, like a brown island on a white sea.
Sunset pulled a face. "Geh." She hovered over the bowl hesitantly, uncertain as to how to proceed. She lifted the seat, took a step back, and contemplated things. She started to reach for the toilet brush, then shook her head, dismissing that notion. That brush was for cleaning the toilet. Getting it all smeared with...with crap would make it unsuited for that purpose.
She then considered using the plunger to dislodge the mudslide of turds. She frowned at the notion of putting the plunger back out on the bathroom floor, smeared in nasty brown crap, forever smelling up the place.
Tentatively, she tried flushing the toilet a third time. Once again, the bowl emptied but left behind a nice, thick patina of her finest work. "Wughaa." With a heavy sigh and a shake of her head, Sunset put down the seat, closed the lid, sprayed air freshener, washed her hands, turned on the bathroom vent fan, and closed the door.
"I'll deal with it in the morning," she decided, shuffling off to her loft bed.
* * * * *
Hearth's Warming Day dawned cold and bright. Sunset yawned and padded to the bathroom, frowning in confusion at her vent fan running. Then she lifted the lid, and her first, most unwelcome present of the day appeared before her. She wrinkled her nose in disgust. "Ugh, that's right," she muttered. Grimacing, she sat down on the toilet, squirming as she peed, then wiped and stood, flushing.
She hoped against hope that the turdmass would finally clear. It didn't. Shoulders sagging, Sunset put the lid down again and washed her hands.
It being the holiday of the year, there was nobody she could turn to for help and no shops open for her to buy anything she needed. Sunset resigned herself to spending the day being confronted with her own leavings anytime she needed to use the bathroom.
She spent the bulk of the day studiously ignoring the problem, texting back and forth with various friends about presents and things, chuckling at selfies they posted, and watching a couple of good movies on television. Late in the afternoon, she got a call from Twilight Sparkle. "Hey, I'm bringing over a care package from my mom and a couple of little presents," Twilight said.
Sunset beamed. "Thanks! You don't have to go to all that trouble."
"It's no trouble. Besides, I've been hanging out with boring old people all day and I need facetime with a friend."
Sunset laughed. "Alright. See you in a bit." Just as she was about to hang up, a sudden flash of inspiration hit. "Hey, Twilight? Bring your geode. I've actually got a little problem over here I could use your magic to help with."
This was going to be utterly humiliating, but if it meant getting rid of that mess in the toilet, Sunset could suffer a little humiliation.
* * * * *
Once Twilight arrived, she and Sunset spent a minute putting away foodstuffs in the fridge and opening little presents, as well as generally chatting. Then, Twilight fingered her geode. "So, what is it you wanted my help with."
Sunset grimaced. "Well...come on, follow me." Sunset led Twilight over to the bathroom and opened the door. "I've got a little...problem," Sunset said, her cheeks red as she gestured to the toilet.
Twilight blinked, then narrowed her eyes and crossed her arms. "Sunset," she said testily, "my name is Twilight Sparkle, not Toilet Sparkle."
"I know that!" Sunset snapped. "It's just..." She shook her head. "Watch." She lifted the lid. The smell wafted up, and Twilight gagged.
"Gah! What—" Twilight's eyes bugged out as her gaze landed on the brown mass clinging to the inside of the bowl. "Oh my GOD, Sunset, what the HELL?!"
"It won't flush down!" Sunset cried, reaching out to flush the handle. Twilight watched the water swirl down and the bowl refill, the turd clump remaining resolutely fixed.
"Huh," Twilight grunted.
"It's been stuck there since last night," Sunset said. "I can't get rid of it."
"That's...gross," Twilight said, pulling a face. Her hands glowed, and the heavy ceramic lid lifted off the tank. She peered inside, frowning as she studied the pressure mechanism and all the bone-dry guts of the toilet. "Well the problem is you're not getting enough flush pressure," she said with a grimace as she replaced the tank cover and stepped back.
"Uh doi," Sunset snarked.
"You're gonna have to call the landlord," Twilight said, shaking her head. "Their contracted plumber obviously screwed up installing this thing."
"I'm not about to call the landlord with this huge turd splattered all over the inside of the toilet!" Sunset cried, throwing up her arms.
"Sunset, that's not a turd. That's a turdslide. It's an assalanche. It's a buttcanic eruption!"
"Hahaha," Sunset deadpanned.
"Seriously, how'd something like that even come out of you?!" Twilight wondered. "Last time I saw a mess like that, it came out of the back end of, well...a horse!"
Sunset raised an eyebrow. "Really."
"...you know what I mean!" Twilight cried, flushing and throwing up her hands. "I'm sorry, I just...I've never gone over to another person's house and witnessed, first-hand, a bowel movement this nasty still sitting in their toilet!" She shook her head. "Why'd you even show me this? What am I supposed to do?"
"Well, I had hoped you'd use your magic to kind of, y'know, shove that shit down into the bottom of the bowl so it'll flush," Sunset said, making a shoving motion with her hands.
Twilight froze, contemplating that. "Ewwwww."
"It's not like I'm asking you to put your hands in it!" Sunset cried. "Just, y'know...force-push it with your magic!"
"That...still sounds like something really gross I don't particularly want to do," Twilight said, sticking her tongue out and crossing her eyes. "I mean, you're my best friend and I love you like a sister, but I don't know if I can wrap my sparkly Equestrian magic around your turds."
Sunset stared at Twilight, eyes tiny green coals of 'I've-had-just-about-enough'. "That...that doesn't make any sense!" she snapped, throwing out a hand to her side. "If I had my unicorn magic, I'd do it without a second thought!"
Twilight crossed her arms. "Then put on some latex gloves and shove it down with your hands," she challenged.
That brought Sunset up short. "What the—" She shuddered. "EWW!"
"Exactly," Twilight said, nodding once, firmly.
The girls stood there for a long moment, completely at an impasse. Finally, Twilight sighed. "I'll call my dad," she said. "He'll have exactly the right tool for this."
"GAH!" Sunset yelped, panicking. "Twilight! It's bad enough you saw this, I don't want your dad seeing—"
"Hey Dad? I'm over at Sunset's place and she's got a toilet problem. Big nasty pile of, ahem, poop that's stuck inside the bowl, won't go down, bad flush pressure. Uh huh. Uh huh. Yeah. You do? Cool, thanks!" She hung up. "He'll be here in ten minutes," she announced.
Sunset facepalmed, dragging her hand down her face. "And there goes my dignity," she muttered.
"Which would you rather have, your dignity or Turd Island?"
Sunset groaned. "I hate you so much right now," she said, blowing a raspberry.
* * * * *
Night Light looked around Sunset's apartment with interest. "Hey, nice place you got here," he said. "Do I even wanna know how a teenage girl living on her own can afford a place like this?"
"Long story," Sunset said. "Sorry to drag you all the way over here on Hearth's Warming," she added. She ducked her head and blushed. "Umm. It's kind of nasty in that bathroom..."
"I've seen all kinds of household disasters," Night Light said placatingly. He had a medium-sized indoor pressure washer with him. "Based on what Twiley told me, this should just about do the trick." He headed for the bathroom, the two girls trailing behind him. He stared down into the bowl, then turned back and raised an eyebrow. "Six-layer bean dip?" he asked.
Sunset blushed furiously. "Y-yeah," she said.
Night Light chuckled. "Yeah, Vel's dip'll do it to ya," he said chipperly. "Alright, let's see here..." He set up his equipment and went to work. The girls covered their ears as, with a loud, piercing whine, a thin stream of high-pressure water cut through the congealed crap like a laser beam, slowly pushing the shitty sludge down into the waiting waters of the bowl trap. After almost three solid minutes of intense water pressure, the entire turd mass lay at the bottom of the bowl. Night Light shut off the washer, reached over to the handle, and flushed it.
With a strained gurgle and a blurping, wheezing sound, the toilet cleared, refilling with water that had a faint brown tinge. Night Light watched it fill, then frowned. "Yeah, someone really messed up the installation on this toilet. How long have you had it?"
"Not long," Sunset said. "They put it in about two weeks ago."
Night Light nodded. "Call your landlord as soon as he's back in, this has to be redone."
Sunset sagged in relief. "Thanks, Mr. Night Light," she said.
"Always happy to help," Night Light said, hefting his pressure washer. "Any excuse to use the old water laser!" he added happily, a manic gleam in his eye. "C'mon, Twiley, I'll drive you home."
"Later, Sunset!" Twilight said.
"Bye, Twilight! Remember, not a word of this to anyone!"
"Scout's honor!" Twilight replied, making a two-fingered salute.
* * * * *
The next day...
"Hey Rainbow, what's up?"
Raspy snickering came from the other end. "H-hey there, Sunset Shitter! Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaa!"
Sunset facepalmed.
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AH. That kind of Yule Log. Clever.
Oh good lord, that is too damn funny. Have a
.
I was half expecting Twi's Dad to come over and bring Reddit's famous Poop Knife.
"Fifth grade was bad enough once, Sunset. I am not reliving that experience."
"A fecaltastrophe. A shitularity. A jökulhlaupoop. A—"
"I think I get it, Twilight."
In any case, lovely bit of disgusting fun.
I have to admit, getting my head around the concept of Twilight Sparkle making poop jokes-- either of the Twilight Sparkles, for that matter-- is not an easy one.
Then again, if anyone can come up with puns like that on the spot...
Holy shit, indeed.
... do I even want to know? D:
Sunset Forgets with Twilight's past, she was likely never a Girl Scout and therefore has no Scouts Honor.
... I really should have known that it was gonna be a shitty pun. :P
What a shitshow this was.
Someone had to.
9370401
This exact thing happened to me, down to the timing. I eventually had to use the plunger to slide it into the water.
She realizes you can wash plungers right.
Well, crap.
What did I read?
Sad thing, the last place I lived had a problem with the toilet breaking. So we had to use grocery bags to fish logs out because plungers wouldn't work.
Still good to know Sunset was able to get actual help.
Dash is lucky she's not getting a swirlie over that. Just saying.
I'm man enough to admit that I laughed like an 8 year old at this. Sadly, I have experienced such an event twice, though not from my own... leavings. My cousin whom I live with was prescribed strong pain killers after a leg surgery, and uhh... yeah.
9370565
Good goose feathers that sounds horrible. No one should have to deal with this stuff.
9371408
A lot of things in my apartment are dysfunctional after the half-assed job the contractors did slapping this place back together after Hurricane Harvey. -_-
As a former janitor I have seen fare worse once (thankfully not my section of the plant) someone did not make it in time and bloow their back end out it was every where the whole toilet was covered top to bottom...and most of the walls bit of the window as well now that I think about took 2 whole bottles of bleech 3 mop heads just to get it cleaned enough to clean.
I can 100% guarrentee that nothing beats 2 year old human sewage
9371637
Yikes!
9371764
Ya thankfully the worst I had to deal with was someone leaveing there nasty underwear behind the toilet cuz that that themself
9371812
Ewww.
9371487
Well darn. Seems like you have a lot of things that could be used as material for this story after that hurricane. I hope those dysfunctional things the contractors put to together gets a proper fixing later down the line. Crappy and shoddy work and cutting corners if that applies in this case is never a good thing and should always be avoided cause bad things happen otherwise.
Despite all this, I hope things are going well for you after Harvey and everyone else in the area too.
9372175
The short list:
- The fucking toilet
- The dishwasher's drain outlet was improperly installed (and they didn't even plug the fucking thing in); the first time I used it, the dishes didn't get dry. The second (and LAST) time I used it, I left the dishes in the thing for about a day and a half to dry, and when I took them out, they were crusted in mold.
- An electrical outlet's stopped working entirely.
- They tore out all the shelves in the pantry and didn't put up new ones, in any apartment. My uncle (who's 67 years old) busted his ass for 2 days straight to install new shelves that we paid for ourselves.
- All the handicap access devices in the bathroom have been removed, which is bad for me because I need a handrail in the shower.
- The old showers had bolted-in shower curtain rods. The new ones have pressure dowels. The damn thing falls down twice a week.
- Cheap door bumpers; the one in the bathroom has already snapped off.
9372204
Damn fire! See, this is what happens when you go cheap!
It was equal to the entire agricultural output of a small nation. And that was just Twilight's plate.
"Haggis and turducken, Twilight?"
"Who says we have to observe just our traditions?"
"Twilight, 'bean dip' usually means it's made of beans."
"Just dip your bean in there, Sunset."
Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of the bean dips.
When Man-Thing and Swamp Thing fight over a nice Muk soufflé.
"My butt is not soundproofing material!"
"And Pinkie Pie has slapped it enough times to prove that point."
When in-continent becomes out-continent.
That moment when your pony culture is unaware of plumbing materials and mistakes a can of pipe cleaner carelessly left on the dining table for tasty dip.
Or, at least, what lies at the core of supermassive black holes.
You usually spray the air freshener around the room, not on yourself, though.
"A whole human head? B-but I haven't had one of those since Diomedes' Diner closed back in Equestria!"
"Miss Shimmer, I don't wanna go!"
Then the hovering spell failed, and tragedy ensued inside the bowl.
Things that involved magical weaponry that was banned in three dimensions and Princess Twilight's bedroom.
So, like most neat freaks, she bought a second toilet brush so she wouldn't have to ruin the first one.
That can be easily cleaned. But the flood caused by pulling on the plunger too hard, too fast...
"Wughaa! Wu! Wughaa!"
"Goddammit I pushed out a pokemon!"
Then packed her bags, got on her bike, and left to find a city where she couldn't be connected with the evidence she left in the bathroom.
A hostage negotiator would be required.
"I'm no longer responsible for whatever happens to that thing."
"Dammit, this was so much easier when I just had to flick my tail and a palace attendant made it go away!"
[Man, I got a LOAD to share with you guys!]
[I got a buncha crappy presents]
[Hey guys, I'm here to shoot the shit with you!]
"Ooh, the kind Rarity sells under her 'Secret' label?"
"No, that's for later, this is my homemade fruitcake and leftover stuffing!"
Twilight is not a fan of Skype.
"I need to move my entire apartment building away from that toilet."
"Sunset, I'm telekinetic, I'm not Magneto."
Sunset's friends never appreciated her hazing rituals.
"And I brought you that bean dip you loved so much!"
Twilight: "It was him! He's the one who stubbed Nicky the Fish's toe!"
Geode: "Ya dahty rat!"
"...Sunset, I promise, 'shit weasels' are not real. Dreamcatcher is just a movie. A bad one."
"That's what they want you to believe, Twilight!"
"And as such, I take no shit from anyone."
"How can something THAT size and THAT dense come out of you!? You're like, size -1!"
"Can we market it?"
"Twilight!"
"I know people who'd pay top dollar for this sort of agglutinant."
"I'll give it to you for free if you take it away."
"Deal."
"Ugh, yeah, just like Cousin Blueblood and Fluttershy's brother."
"Wow, yikes, no, let's not insult it either, Twilight."
http://www.usagi.org/doi/
"I knew you couldn't trust someone who insisted mushrooms made him bigger.'"
"Have you SEEN the size of it? He'll yell at me for subletting!"
She got her mother's name and her father's jokes.
"I'll have you know we don't make messes. Our roads and indoor carpets are spotless."
"Really? Who cleans up after?"
"The Pony of Shadows."
"I thought that was a villain."
"And that's her origin story."
"...huh. That flush worked."
"Huh."
"They're at least dressed up and offering drinks, like a good host would!"
"Well I'm SORRY mine isn't feeling hospitable at the moment!"
"You're a scientist, science it away!"
"Matter cannot be destroyed, Sunset, only transformed!"
"Don't bring your human laws of thermodynamics into a magical interdimensional unicorn's toilet!"
"You realize that'd just create a massive clog in your pipes."
"Oh, I know what that clog felt like in my pipes, trust me."
"Sunset? Ew."
"I'd be pushing it with my mind Sunset! I don't want to get my mind all shitty! I have enough shit on my mind to get your shit on it too!"
Twilight Sparkly, your plumbing's new best friend! By Procter & Gamble Home Products.
Elsewhere...
"Celestia? What is it?"
"Oh? It's nothing, Luna, just reminiscing about the time one of my students managed to seal up the entire Canterlot sewer network by forcibly pushing several pounds of droppings down the drain with her magic."
"Sounds like a prodigious student."
"As prodigious as that brick was."
"Can't we just buy it ourselves?"
"I don't mean a tool, tool, I mean an uncle who's a real tool."
"That's mean, Twilight."
"He's responsible for the bean dip."
"He's a tool."
"...I wanna go to back Equestria now."
"I sell my turds. Can we get on with this?"
"Gee, what's with the crappy attitude?"
"She's not in the mood to take any shit, Dad."
"Fine, fine, this is me dropping it."
"Aaagh."
"Witness the power of Metal Gear RAY!"
"Metal Gear!?"
"Dad, stop naming your mechas weird names!"
...the toilet was split in half, but the turd endured.
"Sunset, are you SURE you didn't have any fruitcake?"
"Dad! We can't just drive a Metal Gear back home! It's a single-seater!"
"...wait, you're a Girl Scout?"
"Are you kidding? I revolutionized the cookie distribution algorithm and fully-automated the points-of-sale! I sold two hundred thousand boxes in one week and won a trip to Space Camp!"
Something rose from the depths of the Canterlot storm drains. Something brown. Something heavy. Something angry.
"Sssssssunset Shimmmmmmerrrrrrr..."
"Rainbow, did you just rapid-fire fart at me?"
9372204
Yeah..that's not good. Those contractors should be held accountable for all that AND reimburse you and your uncle for the selves that THEY SHOULD'VE INSTALLED THEMSELVES. I mean really what the Tartarus is wrong with them? Your landlord is gonna have a field day with all this if you bring it up.
9372204
You know, there's a considerable list of actual crimes and other horrible things people do to each other, but shoddy workmanship somehow beats a lot of them in terms of pissing me off.
That said, I can understand Twilight's reluctance to grab Sunset's turd with her telekinesis, because I've always had the distinct impression that you can "feel" whatever you touch with it with your mind (if psionic) or soul (if magic). It'd be like grabbing it with her mouth, only with more precise control.
9372477
Hahahahaha the "landlord" is a corporate entity, whose regional agents were the ones who decided to take out the shelves and not replace them, and they're one step above being slumlords by about yea. It's very much on them for hiring the cheapest rush job hacks they could find.
9372576
I see, then you should probably take it up with them. Aren't there laws about keeping things properly on the up and up with apartment maintenance? You could have a case if the police were brought in to inspect everything and getting your testimony on the issues. Violated regulations and all that could cost the landlord a LOT if they don't get their act together and FIX THIS. Especially where damage caused by natural disasters like a fire, tornado or a freaking HURRICANE is concerned.
9372601
There are fights that aren't worth fighting. This is one of them. I'm a Section 8/HUD beneficiary. ITEX owns all the HUD compliant rental properties in SETX. Even if I had the resources to make this a Thing? Even if I blew the whistle on all this? I'd be the losing party. Because I'd be making an enemy I can't afford.
The walls are solid, the roof is sturdy, the major appliances and utilities work. Everything else is petty aggravations. Unbelievably frustrating, yes, but not worth shooting myself in the foot over.
9372601
Oh, and just a little perspective:
The last place I lived was massively infested with Japanese cockroaches. They were in the building's plumbing and thus impossible to get rid of. It also had perpetually broken AC units and a curfew gate. And nothing but efficiency apartments that were essentially cells.
My current home is a paradise compared to that even WITH all the shit they screwed up after the flood.
9372729
I...see. That sounds very complex and such this HUD thing.
9372756
Put it this way: I'm on disability. I don't get enough per month to cover rent anywhere without some sort of subsidy, which is what HUD is. And you would not believe the shit ton of paperwork I have to do every year for this.
Sunset needs to get herself a poop knife
9372773
That's bad then.
9372827
The alternative is homelessness. Or at the very least, permanently crashing in my aunt's rumpus room. I have a bedroom, a living room, a kitchen, and a bathroom. I have digital cable and wifi. I have multiple gaming consoles and two TVs. I answer to nobody and keep my own schedule and do what I want when I want, without anybody else in the house with me to cramp my style or for me to get on their nerves.
That's a whole HELL of a lot better than a lot of people with as little money as I have are scraping by with.
So yeah, I can put up with a few half-assed installations and minor inconveniences, considering I basically live like a king on practically nothing.
9372840
Indeed it sounds like it.
LOL.
*Stares at his Sloppy Joe for a minute before silently pushing it away*
.....most interesting.
9374621
You were warned not to read this while eating. :P
9374631
Missed that line somehow.
laughs like a hyena, i really like how frankly you are when you type, i mean;
Is just glorious, xD,
And btw, about the hyena laugh? I’m not kidding, i really can’t control how i laugh sometimes, if it goes completely outta control i might end up laughing like Ed from Lion King after..... I think it’s Benzai? Says he can’t sit for a week, ya know, This Glorious moment, I’m not fucking kidding, xD, if it doesn’t get WORSE that is, xD,
Okay this is just straight up disgusting, I didn't bother reading anymore after the first paragraph.
What the hell is wrong with you?!
9399535
Came with a feed about a similar accident, short story is he basically shat out a perfectly shaped Shrunken star shit, that was what.......... inspired this one, but yea, that was...... not a good reading if you were eating at the same time, xD
9406734
BM situations need to stay in the BM. Not here or anywhere else. 🤢
9406901
There was a warning. You ignored it. You have nobody but yourself to blame. Quit your bitching.