• Published 12th Apr 2016
  • 14,953 Views, 12,558 Comments

Three More Things! - Tatsurou



Uncle Chan tries to balance running an antique shop, fighting demons, and being a Chi Wizard with being a loving Uncle to his nephew, his somewhat removed niece...and three little ponies who drive him straight up the wall.

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"How?" Alucard demanded, coldly angry. "Seriously, how?"

"Just...shut up..." Hsi growled irritably.

"No, seriously, how does a secret society manage to take us down and tie us up?" Alucard insisted waspishly as he struggled against his bonds. "I mean, I get why you lot might get your asses handed to you, that happens. But I'm here! What gives? And how the heck are they keeping me tied down, anyway?"

"Ah, that wouldst be our champion," the leader of the Brotherhood offered with a smug smirk. "He hath angel blood in his veins, but his line is denied by the ancestor he is named for, as angels art forbidden from breeding with mere mortals. As such, so that his ancestor can continue his work, the official state of his line is reflected in his surname."

Alucard blinked for a time. "Wait a minute...are you saying his name is Michael McDoesn'texist?"

"Oh, so thou hast heard of our champion?" the leader demanded in surprise. "Truly, thou knowest too much." Alucard promptly slammed his face into one of the pillars of Stonehenge.

"I'd laugh about that, but it does leave us in a pickle," Hsi grumbled darkly. "These bindings would hold a god."

"Oh, so that's why my claws aren't working," Jackie grumbled as he pulled against his bindings.

"At least the girls managed to get loose in the confusion," Viper muttered. "I mean, I assume that's why they aren't tied up with us. I can't see them anywhere."

"They're tied up at the opposite end of the stone circle," Hsi pointed out dryly. "Guess they wanted hostages to keep us on our best behavior. And no, I can't see or hear them. But I can feel them there."

"Ferget those lasses," Anderson growled out. "What about Scamp? Where's the little 'un?"

"She's on your head," Hsien Ko pointed out flatly.

Anderson blinked and glanced upward. There was little Scamp, sitting prettily on his head in her tiny nun's habit, staring down at him with wide, happy eyes.

The leader of the Brotherhood glanced up and frowned in confusion. "Who...are you speaking of?"

Alucard's eyes went wide, and then he began to laugh maniacally. "Oh god..." Viper muttered grumpily.

The leader drew himself up. "Thine imaginary compatriots are of no moment!" he snapped out insistently. "Now that thou hast been confined, thou shalt not interfereth with our plans anymore! Now hear the greatness and glory that you are powerless to stop!"

"Stonehenge is a magical superweapon you intend to activate and use to level London before moving onto other cities to plunge the world back into the Dark Ages where magic ruled so you can get your power back," Jackie pointed out flatly.

"Despite the fact that, as traitors under the Law of Jade, even if you succeeded in recreating the Dark Ages you'd be hunted down and destroyed, since the blatant violation of the 'free development' decree for magic and science would mean the Jade Council could hunt you down directly and en masse," Hsi Wu pointed out flatly.

"Not to mention someone could just grab the Deja Vu Stone and turn time back so you didn't succeed," Alucard pointed out. "I mean, such a global event would affect every living being on the planet, after all."

"Not to mention Valmont, the new Demon Sorcerer of Light, is rather heavily invested in modern technology in addition to magic," Viper pointed out. "I seriously doubt he'd be okay with you trying to destroy San Francisco...and even if you managed, you'd have a Class 2 Omega Demon Sorcerer after you who could recreate the city from memory right down to the cracks in the concrete through direct energy/matter conversion."

"Oh shit, forgot about that guy!" Alucard declared in surprise. "Guess I gotta bump the guys who make for a fun fight with uncertain outcome for me up to three now."

"Aye, and donna ferget the Veil Authorities," Anderson pointed out. "Appearances aside, th' Guardians are nothin' ta sneeze at, and the enforcers have a lot o' former Council Members in their ranks."

"...must thou suckest the fun out of our dramatic reveal?" the leader complained dourly. He then straightened himself. "Besides, thou art fools if thou believest that we fear the backlash of mere gods or demons! We shall claim this world for our own, as it always should have been!" He raised his arms dramatically, and Stonehenge slowly raised up on a moving platform along with the hundreds of Magisters until it reached open air. "Begin!" With that shout, every Magister except Michael McDoesn'texist began chanting, while the champion kept his gaze locked on the prisoners. Energy began to gather between the rings of Stonehenge, building to a white radiance.

"What hast thou to sayeth now?" the leader demanded nastily. "What manner of trickery couldst thou possibly have up thy sleeves to stopeth us now?"

"Wireless Bluetooth speakerphone," Jackie pointed out calmly as something swiveled out of his ear. "I'm full of surprises. Got all that Uncle?"

"Hacha!" Uncle's voice declared happily through the tiny speaker, sounding clear as day. "Uncle is ready to cast counterspell to neutralize Magister spell casting, and Tohru and girls ready to assist."

"Thinkest thou one chi wizard, his apprentice, and a few maidens can stopeth us when we hath generations of power at our command?" the leader demanded angrily as he began chanting to add his power to the building spell.

"One more thing!" Uncle pointed out happily. "Uncle has made lots of friends on Spellbook! One taught me how to make conference call! Everybody!"

What sounded like thousands of voices in chorus poured through the speaker to echo over the land. "Yu Mo Gui Gwai Fai Di Zao...Yu Mo Gui Gwai Fai Di Zao...Yu Mo Gui Gwai Fai Di Zao..." Green energy swarmed out of the phone along with the chant, slamming into the white radiance and struggling to push it back. However, despite initial excitement, it only slowed the progress of the radiance. Slowed greatly, but only slowed it.

"Any more ideas?" Scootaloo demanded crossly as the girls rushed up.

"Waaauggh!" Jackie screamed out in surprise. "How'd you get here?"

"The stairs," Jade indicated, pointing to a stairwell descending into the ground near the platform Stonehenge was on.

"Caught our bindin's on the edge o' the platform so we could slip off as it rose," Apple Bloom explained readily.

"So what are we supposed to do?" Sweetie Belle gasped out. "There's too many of them and they're too strong! They're even pushing back Uncle and all his help."

"Well, it is being funneled through a really tiny speaker," Viper pointed out. "That's some hard bandwidth limitations."

"So reduce the number of Magisters, then," Alucard suggested.

"How?" Hsi demanded waspishly.

"Would they count as cheat people?" Jade asked curiously.

"Huh?" Jackie asked in confusion.

"Scamp's on a strict no-human diet so Anderson won't have to hunt her," Jade explained. "But these guys are enemies of the Jade Council with a 'destroy on sight, they are damned' order. Do they count?"

Anderson blinked and furrowed his brow. "Ah...ah'm not sure," he admitted. "Ah mean, the ruling about not eatin' people is pretty strict...but then again, those named heathens and damned are supposed ta have their flesh stripped from their bones by th' demons of hell as part of their punishment for defying divine will, though that's supposed ta happen in hell..."

"Do you like Scamp enough to cut her slack on location there?" Scootaloo asked curiously. "I mean, Alucard's a direct servant of Lucifer Morningstar apparently, and Scamp's his granddaughter, so technically she is a demon of hell, so..."

Anderson frowned. "Ah admit, the little biter grows on ya..." he muttered. He then noticed the look Scamp was giving him. "Ach, fine! They're cheat people! But don't overeat!"

Scamp grinned widely, her lips slowly peeling back to reveal all her sharp teeth. And then she vanished.

Suddenly the Magisters chanting was being interrupted by screams of agony as swirls of blood and magic sprang up everywhere throughout the group, something blurring through them as they fell one after another. A head flipped through the air...and something black, crimson, and vicious that seemed all bat wings, dragon claws, ram horns, and shark teeth leapt up to snatch it out of the air in its mouth, six limbs snaking around it and digging claws in as the head screamed.

"Andy!" Alucard complained. "You never told me you took her to Hawaii!"

"What the hell are you on about, bloodsucker?" Anderson snapped back.

"Well she had to get the idea for that shape somewhere..."

"London shall be smoteth!" the leader of the Magisters screamed out, racing into the fading radiance and plunging a knife into his hand. As his blood poured into the center of the circle, the magic multiplied and blazed out, a beam of energy shooting up into the sky.

"Oh, right...blood magic..." Jade muttered worriedly...only to clutch her head as...something shot through her. For some reason, her clothes reverted to the default 'Chosen One robes' of their own accord.

"Behold!" the head Magister cried out. "The return of the Dark Ages!" He gestured towards London...where nothing had happened. Everyone stood in silence for a time. He then blinked. "What? But...but...why is London still standing?"

"Because Stonehenge isn't a weapon, obviously," Michael observed calmly.

"But...but...but then what doth this Stonehenge do?" the leader wailed out before slumping to the ground weakly.

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