The Field Reports
Jade, the fillies, Jackie, and Viper stared around as Hsi confidently led the group into the mansion once the gates were open. Holding the door open for them was a tall, thin, elderly British gentleman in black pants, white shirt, purple vest and tie, wearing white gloves. His blue eyes glittered behind his monocle under his slicked and tied back black hair. "Welcome, all of you, to Hellsing Manor," he greeted formally. "I am Walter C. Dornez, head butler of the Manor. What can I-"
"You're new," Hsi interrupted bluntly.
"Well, relative to your experience, I suppose I would be," Walter admitted, "but I have served the Hellsing family for most of my life-"
"Not what I meant," Hsi corrected flatly.
Walter blinked for a time, and his eyes shuttered oddly. "Ah, yes, a Demon Sorcerer would notice that," he admitted. "My old body was starting to wear out, but my work for the family wasn't finished...so I was able to acquire a new one." He turned, only for his knee to briefly lock up. Frowning, he leaned down and smacked it to make it move normally again. "But it doesn't quite function as promised. I'll get that partial refund out of Mr. Urahara yet..." Noticing the confused stares from the others, he smiled softly. "But you aren't here for my problems. You're here for Sir Integra's problem. I'll see you in." He turned and led the group through the manor.
It wasn't long before the group was led into an expansive office before a large ornate desk. Behind the desk sat a young-seeming woman with creamy brown skin and long blonde hair. One of her eyes was covered with a black eyepatch, and most of her body was covered in black garments. She glanced up briefly as the group entered. "I'll be with you in a moment," she offered calmly before turning back to the phone. "So...that's your field report," she continued ruefully.(1)
"Eeyup," the voice of 'Ally' responded from the phone on speakerphone.
"You went for a walk."
"Yup."
"And you found an abandoned casket in the middle of a town."
"Yup."
"And inside the casket was a Chinese Vampire..."
"With big titties," 'Ally corrected impishly.
The woman rubbed the bridge of her nose irritably. "So you brought the casket back here, and now there's a 'big tittied chinese vampire' rampaging through the catacombs because she can't control her powers."
"Yes, it's like I just got done saying that!" 'Ally' snapped back irritably.
"Alucard!" the woman growled warningly.
"Woman!" Alucard snapped back.
"By any chance, is the Jiangshi named Hsien Ko?" Jackie asked curiously. He held up the book. "Because if so, we have her sister."
"Walter?" the woman asked curiously.
"It does match the physical description of that particular Darkstalker, mum," Walter responded readily. "Shall I arrange a reunion?"
"Please do," the woman agreed with a sigh of relief. She then turned back to the phone. "Alucard, get up here. Your friend is here."
"Hsi's there? Sweet! Be right up!" There was a click, and then a long beep.
The woman calmly hung up the phone. Walter then stepped up. "This is Sir Integra Fairbrooks Wingates Hellsing, the head of the Hellsing family and Hellsing organization. Mum, this is Jackie Chan, the former thief known as the Viper, Sky Demon Hsi Wu, the new Chosen One Jade Chan, and...fillies."
"I'm Apple Bloom!"
"I'm Sweetie Belle!"
"I'm Scootaloo!"
"And we're the Cutie Mark Crusaders!" the three declared together.
Integra reached briefly for a cigar, glanced from Jackie's disapproving look to the youngsters present, and left it where it was. "Adorable," she commented dryly. "So why are you here to see-"
A figure in a red trenchcoat, wide-brimmed red fedora, and yellow glasses phased half-way through the wall. "Hey kids, wanna see a dead body?!" he screamed out excitedly, his voice identifying him as Alucard.
"WAAAUUUUGH!" Jackie screamed out, leaping into the air and transforming into his tiger state before he hit the ground, lashing out with his foot without even thinking about it.
Alucard easily parried the attack as he phased the rest of the way into the room. "Ooh, catty!" he purred happily. "Hsi, you make the most interesting friends! Looks like they got yer Mama's blessing."
"She's not my mom," Hsi grumbled irritably.
"That's not what she says about it!" Alucard countered playfully.
"Hello, Alucard," Emeraude said calmly from Jade's shoulder.
"Emmy!" Alucard called out warmly. "It's been ages-"
"Am I getting an apology or not?" she demanded coldly.
"Geeze, fine, I'm sorry I let you seduce me in a timeline that didn't actually happen anymore!" Alucard groaned ruefully.
"Wait, what?" Emeraude and Hsi demanded in shock. Jade's eyes popped open in surprise.
"And that's why I didn't want to apologize!" Alucard told Hsi. "Yeah, she initiated. Enjoy that thought and what it means about your girlfriend!"
Emeraude quickly vanished, leaving Jade and Hsi blushing brightly.
"Alucard, enough," Integra growled out irritably. She then turned to Viper. "What did you want to see us for, anyway?"
"Stonehenge has been stolen by a secret society of bloodline mages, and we need backup," Viper explained calmly. "Hsi seemed to think this guy was our best bet." She jerked her thumb at Alucard.
"Secret society, huh?" Integra mused thoughtfully. "Aren't many of those left nowadays..."
"I bet it's the Nazis!" Alucard declared eagerly.
"We already dealt with them, remember?" Integra snapped irritably, pointing to her eyepatch.
"But I like fighting Nazis!" Alucard whined. "And how'd that go, anyway? I'm having trouble remembering the details."
"Then check your ComCom(2)!" Integra snapped, gesturing to a device attached to Alucard's shades.
"Can't, this is a new one," Alucard explained. "The old one broke during it."
Integra sighed ruefully. "Walter, remind him."
"Yes, mum," Walter replied readily as he returned, having delivered the book to the catacombs so Mei Lin and Hsien Ko could find each other. "Seras seduced their intel specialist into switching sides before the battle was actually joined."
"Wait, really?" Alucard asked in shock. "How could I not remember that?"
"Because it made you look bad?" Integra mused thoughtfully.
Seras stood glumly as she listened to the Major going on about 'something attacking' from the video screen, idly reviewing her ComCom for what happened during her previous 'blood frenzy'. She was not happy about the sort of person she became at those times. She almost didn't notice the weird cat boy Nazi trying to get her attention.
"Hey, Fraulein!" he finally almost shouted.
"Oy," she responded irritably, turning to look at him...only to see him giving her bedroom eyes.
"We would make beautiful children," he offered flirtatiously.
Seras blinked in embarrassed surprise, then shrugged. "Okay."
"Wait, what?" Alucard asked in surprise, his gun halfway out of his holster as he was prepared to shoot him.
"I must admit to surprise as well," the Major spoke up in surprise.
"What?" Seras countered. "It's not like I'll be getting any from you, Master. You're holding out for Master Integra."
"Wait, what?" Integra asked in shock.
"You heard that?" Alucard asked in surprise. "I thought you were in blood frenzy-"
"ComCom," Seras interrupted.
"...forgot about that," Alucard admitted.
"And the babies would look rather nice," Seras continued. "So come on then, kitty."
"Er, Schrodinger," the cat boy introduced himself.
"It's Kitty or Scamp," Seras pointed out flatly.
"Meow!" Schrodinger responded readily.
As Seras dragged Schrodinger off, the Major blinked. "Well...that wasn't supposed to happen. I honestly expected Alucard to have shot him by now to start the war. I honestly don't know what to do with this."
"I could shoot him anyway!" Alucard offered eagerly.
"Not yet," the Queen spoke up reedily. "This could be...interesting."
Schrodinger lay back, his mind a bit of a daze. "Wow..." he finally managed to murmur.
"Mmm-hmm," Seras agreed calmly as she cuddled up to him. "Now...I hope you weren't planning on leaving me to raise our 'beautiful children' alone, were you?" Her hand trailed down his body.
"Well, of course not!" Schrodinger insisted defensively. "I'm a Nazi and a vampire, but I have morals!"
"Well, that might be a bit difficult..." Seras pointed out in a purring voice. "See, it sounds like the Major is about to go to war with my Master...which means one of us is likely to end up dead unless we switch sides...and I'm still bound in thralldom." Her eyes glowed red as her gaze bored into Schrodinger's face as her hand gripped him somewhere sensitive. "So what are you going to do about it, hmm?"
Schrodinger swallowed nervously. 'The Major is not going to like this...' he thought silently to himself.
"...and during the resulting conflict, Millennium was completely wiped out," Walter concluded happily. "Also, Seras broke free of Thralldom as a fully realized vampire, and all in all even the cleanup ended happily."
"Thank God for Zed's clean up crews," Integra murmured softly.
"Ya know, you'd think I'd want to remember something like that," Alucard mused thoughtfully. "But what happened with Andy?"
"I was the Vatican's ultimate anti-monster weapon!" a strongly accented Scottish voice suddenly snapped out from the hall. "It was only when I learned what an idiot the head of Iscariot was that I went Freelance. Idiot thought stealing Stonehenge again was a good idea. There's only one monster I've ever fought I haven't had a decisive victory against..."
The door slammed open, revealing a blonde haired priest in a white trenchcoat with a blonde haired, blue eyed, cat-eared baby clinging to his shoulder. "So what part of that says my primary occupation with you Protestant heathens should be babysitter?!" the priest roared out in rage.
"Aww!" Jackie cooed as he saw the child. "She's adorable-"
The little girl's eyes suddenly turned red. She opened her mouth wide, revealing several rows of razor sharp teeth. She chomped down on the priest's neck, tearing out a chunk and a good amount of blood before sucking and swallowing it all down. The missing chunk promptly regenerated.
"Aww!" Alucard cooed as Jackie looked traumatized. "Little Scamp loves her Uncle Andy..."
"I will gut you, bloodsucker!" the priest snapped angrily.
"Like that ever did you any good," Alucard countered playfully.
"...Jinkies..." Viper murmured in amazement, wondering what was going to happen next.
(1) Thanks for this Field Report idea, Jake Witt
(2) Combat Computer, a tech gift from Zed thanks to the new affiliation with his organization.
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Chapter One Hundred Eighty Six
"Aiyah!"
Chapter Count: 0
Total Count: 49
"One More Thing!"
Chapter Count: 0
Total Count: 85
I can't muster enough "Yes" to adequately describe my feelings for this
What a magnificent time-crash.
The Chans are not quite ready for the Abridge Hellsing's madness...close but not QUITE ready. Should be fun.
Ok...so apparently this is now a thing.Seras grew a spine early
Well I imagine TFS would approve of your alternate version of events...mainly because they work out so hilariously well.
Okay, love the new timeline with seras and kitty
. But why does Integra have an eye-patch
? I don't think that came until much later toward the end of the manga when she was shown much older toward the end of her career. Either that, or it happened toward the end of the Nazi assault on London that doesn't seem to have happened in this timeline
.
I also like what you did with the discussion with Elmarude and Alucard's past. While I genuinely hope you didn't get much grief from commenters in the last chapter, I think this was a good change. The joked insinuations from the last chapter may have fit for the dark and vulgar humor of Hellsing abridged, but I don't think it would have gone too well for the JCA universe you've set up.
So that's Bleach and possibly MIB added to this glorious clusterfuck of a canon? Or is there another Zed I don't know about?
Also wonder what Seras (because she's cleary top bitch in her relationship...shame about Pip...unless she's got him as her thrall/second husband) named her kid...Maybe Lisa?
wish i could give ANOTHER like and fave for this chapter alone
Scamp is adorable and needs to be spoiled quickly with ear scratches, milk, and salmon/tuna/whatever fish she wants. We also need to lock her in a room with Anderson and toss in a large amount of catnip and see how long it takes Anderson to regenerate after she's calmed down and is sleeping it off.
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If you want to see an even bigger clusterfuck of canon, check out "Comes a Crossover". I'm pretty sure every chapter adds characters from a new source.
There are no words in the English language capable of describing my feelings about this chapter.
Yes, but what color was her hair?
Seems like more of a "zoinks" moment to me.
I think Alucard couldn't remember what Seras did because of the Schrodinger effect.
Guess they won't have to worry about finding a baby sitter that doesn't bite off more than they can chew Andy more.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! This is what I've been waiting for! Looking forward to more.
Keep up the great work. Deus tecum.
I bet Alucard would be able to punch a Nazi a very thoroughly.
i need popcorn just keep it rated G for
Loving the alternate continuity of the abridged series
That, and I like the mental image of Anderson babysitting a cute little neko.
That and the Bleach reference.
Ha! Yes! This is perfect! I love it!
This is beginning to become quite the crossover.
.............Actually............to me that would be more of a "Holy Shit!" kinda thing. Still..........That is actually scary.........And I can actually see that kind of thing fitting in with Hellsing Abridged.
Seras getting laid by Shroedinger and having a cat-vampire kid.
Also, I get the feeling that after all this is over, Hsien Ko and Mei Ling are going to join the Hellsing organization. They would fit RIGHT in.
HAHAHAHAHAHA! PERFECT! I really enjoy that part. That is SO Abridged Alucard's greeting when meeting new people.
Hold up! Are you dragging Bleach into this story too? Awesome!!
irl I screamed oh my god, laugh, and clap loudly in this order because of this chapter
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so use ones outside of the English language, like WOOF!
I love how that moment is the divergent point for HUA. The next few chapters are going to be so much fun!
Also, please tell me I wasn't the only one who heard this the second everyone's favorite Scottman show up. :D
Crap, I didn't finish Hellsing Abridged in time for this one, but I watched enough to get what was going on and to hear all the characters' voices properly. Gotta go finish that series...
Chapter One Hundred Eighty-Six
"Bad Day"
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Total Count: 44
"I'm not his/your Mistress!"
Chapter Count: 0
Total Count: 10
For the record, though...
I would love to count this somehow.
Oh good lord. I am simultaneously delighted and horrified at... all of this.
Or just have Integra do it.
"Viper said Jinkies!"
"It must be a clue!"
I thought Anderson was Irish!
Also, does this mean Alucard never has the confrontation with God and Satan?
Weird, I could've sworn Urahara built better stuff than THAT?
...
then again I never actually read or watched very much Bleach.
And we're off to the races!
Just a quick question, is this the first time since the crusaders got de aged that they have called themselves the Cutie Mark Crusaders?
8955639
British butlers will often call the lady of the house 'mum', in a similar way to 'Ma'am'.
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I fail to see what Venus' L4 point has to do with this chapter.
So where's Schrodinger now?
So if Bleach is being added now, please tell me DBS is too so someone can call Lord Beerus in to deal with extremely potential universe ending threat that thinks himself God and has a willingness to kill everyone and everything in his path including his loyal followers and all afterlife realms needed to keep the balance of the universe, all to recreate the world in his image as ruler and God all because he's an entitled peace of crap that happens to be the Soul Kong's apparent son. Cause now that Urahara has been mentioned, it's clear this guy exists as does the Quincys.
*looks at the Anderson babysitter for Alucard's grandchild and grins* Close enough to the original (begging)request. Blonde, and packs a punch just like Applebloom. :3
Wait, who's Zed?
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Everywhere and nowhere, just like always.
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New body optimized for Walter's combat capabilities.
As a result, the joints lock up on occasion if those capabilities aren't used for a while. Like having an overclocked PC that you only run Minesweeper on. It's gonna overheat every so often.
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yes yes i did here that song when he showed up
8955746
Out on assignment?
zed as men in black.
yay~
the only Nazi that I'd actually feel bad about murdering~
come here KITTY!
........
Well that got creepy fast....
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No, he's not a cleanup person and is America besides.
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In the manga timeline, she gets her eye shot out by the Major, right before Integra puts him down like the rabid war dog he was. No clue how it happened in the HUA timeline, never mind here.
8955719
How did you know what I said?
Umm, a question from somebody that has seen both Hellsing Ultimate and Hellsing Ultimate Abridged.
Is Schrodinger actually a vampire? Because in Ultimate I remember him being integral to the conclusion because he was something else.
The part of him that you can see in his name and his (quite real) cat ears.
I will say he was one of the most confusing plot points of the whole universe and while I will say that Ultimate Abridged has made the series many times funnier, they kinda skip out on retelling the confusing explanations from the original. Most recent example of this was Andersons self sacrifice and how exactly that was supposed to function.
Basically my question boils down to, Tats, have you actually watched the original and taken that story into consideration? Because Abridged is still an unfinished story with still untouched story elements.
I feel warm and fuzzy inside. 🙂🎉