• Published 12th Apr 2016
  • 14,952 Views, 12,558 Comments

Three More Things! - Tatsurou

Uncle Chan tries to balance running an antique shop, fighting demons, and being a Chi Wizard with being a loving Uncle to his nephew, his somewhat removed niece...and three little ponies who drive him straight up the wall.

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The Field Reports

Jade, the fillies, Jackie, and Viper stared around as Hsi confidently led the group into the mansion once the gates were open. Holding the door open for them was a tall, thin, elderly British gentleman in black pants, white shirt, purple vest and tie, wearing white gloves. His blue eyes glittered behind his monocle under his slicked and tied back black hair. "Welcome, all of you, to Hellsing Manor," he greeted formally. "I am Walter C. Dornez, head butler of the Manor. What can I-"

"You're new," Hsi interrupted bluntly.

"Well, relative to your experience, I suppose I would be," Walter admitted, "but I have served the Hellsing family for most of my life-"

"Not what I meant," Hsi corrected flatly.

Walter blinked for a time, and his eyes shuttered oddly. "Ah, yes, a Demon Sorcerer would notice that," he admitted. "My old body was starting to wear out, but my work for the family wasn't finished...so I was able to acquire a new one." He turned, only for his knee to briefly lock up. Frowning, he leaned down and smacked it to make it move normally again. "But it doesn't quite function as promised. I'll get that partial refund out of Mr. Urahara yet..." Noticing the confused stares from the others, he smiled softly. "But you aren't here for my problems. You're here for Sir Integra's problem. I'll see you in." He turned and led the group through the manor.

It wasn't long before the group was led into an expansive office before a large ornate desk. Behind the desk sat a young-seeming woman with creamy brown skin and long blonde hair. One of her eyes was covered with a black eyepatch, and most of her body was covered in black garments. She glanced up briefly as the group entered. "I'll be with you in a moment," she offered calmly before turning back to the phone. "So...that's your field report," she continued ruefully.(1)

"Eeyup," the voice of 'Ally' responded from the phone on speakerphone.

"You went for a walk."


"And you found an abandoned casket in the middle of a town."


"And inside the casket was a Chinese Vampire..."

"With big titties," 'Ally corrected impishly.

The woman rubbed the bridge of her nose irritably. "So you brought the casket back here, and now there's a 'big tittied chinese vampire' rampaging through the catacombs because she can't control her powers."

"Yes, it's like I just got done saying that!" 'Ally' snapped back irritably.

"Alucard!" the woman growled warningly.

"Woman!" Alucard snapped back.

"By any chance, is the Jiangshi named Hsien Ko?" Jackie asked curiously. He held up the book. "Because if so, we have her sister."

"Walter?" the woman asked curiously.

"It does match the physical description of that particular Darkstalker, mum," Walter responded readily. "Shall I arrange a reunion?"

"Please do," the woman agreed with a sigh of relief. She then turned back to the phone. "Alucard, get up here. Your friend is here."

"Hsi's there? Sweet! Be right up!" There was a click, and then a long beep.

The woman calmly hung up the phone. Walter then stepped up. "This is Sir Integra Fairbrooks Wingates Hellsing, the head of the Hellsing family and Hellsing organization. Mum, this is Jackie Chan, the former thief known as the Viper, Sky Demon Hsi Wu, the new Chosen One Jade Chan, and...fillies."

"I'm Apple Bloom!"

"I'm Sweetie Belle!"

"I'm Scootaloo!"

"And we're the Cutie Mark Crusaders!" the three declared together.

Integra reached briefly for a cigar, glanced from Jackie's disapproving look to the youngsters present, and left it where it was. "Adorable," she commented dryly. "So why are you here to see-"

A figure in a red trenchcoat, wide-brimmed red fedora, and yellow glasses phased half-way through the wall. "Hey kids, wanna see a dead body?!" he screamed out excitedly, his voice identifying him as Alucard.

"WAAAUUUUGH!" Jackie screamed out, leaping into the air and transforming into his tiger state before he hit the ground, lashing out with his foot without even thinking about it.

Alucard easily parried the attack as he phased the rest of the way into the room. "Ooh, catty!" he purred happily. "Hsi, you make the most interesting friends! Looks like they got yer Mama's blessing."

"She's not my mom," Hsi grumbled irritably.

"That's not what she says about it!" Alucard countered playfully.

"Hello, Alucard," Emeraude said calmly from Jade's shoulder.

"Emmy!" Alucard called out warmly. "It's been ages-"

"Am I getting an apology or not?" she demanded coldly.

"Geeze, fine, I'm sorry I let you seduce me in a timeline that didn't actually happen anymore!" Alucard groaned ruefully.

"Wait, what?" Emeraude and Hsi demanded in shock. Jade's eyes popped open in surprise.

"And that's why I didn't want to apologize!" Alucard told Hsi. "Yeah, she initiated. Enjoy that thought and what it means about your girlfriend!"

Emeraude quickly vanished, leaving Jade and Hsi blushing brightly.

"Alucard, enough," Integra growled out irritably. She then turned to Viper. "What did you want to see us for, anyway?"

"Stonehenge has been stolen by a secret society of bloodline mages, and we need backup," Viper explained calmly. "Hsi seemed to think this guy was our best bet." She jerked her thumb at Alucard.

"Secret society, huh?" Integra mused thoughtfully. "Aren't many of those left nowadays..."

"I bet it's the Nazis!" Alucard declared eagerly.

"We already dealt with them, remember?" Integra snapped irritably, pointing to her eyepatch.

"But I like fighting Nazis!" Alucard whined. "And how'd that go, anyway? I'm having trouble remembering the details."

"Then check your ComCom(2)!" Integra snapped, gesturing to a device attached to Alucard's shades.

"Can't, this is a new one," Alucard explained. "The old one broke during it."

Integra sighed ruefully. "Walter, remind him."

"Yes, mum," Walter replied readily as he returned, having delivered the book to the catacombs so Mei Lin and Hsien Ko could find each other. "Seras seduced their intel specialist into switching sides before the battle was actually joined."

"Wait, really?" Alucard asked in shock. "How could I not remember that?"

"Because it made you look bad?" Integra mused thoughtfully.

Seras stood glumly as she listened to the Major going on about 'something attacking' from the video screen, idly reviewing her ComCom for what happened during her previous 'blood frenzy'. She was not happy about the sort of person she became at those times. She almost didn't notice the weird cat boy Nazi trying to get her attention.

"Hey, Fraulein!" he finally almost shouted.

"Oy," she responded irritably, turning to look at him...only to see him giving her bedroom eyes.

"We would make beautiful children," he offered flirtatiously.

Seras blinked in embarrassed surprise, then shrugged. "Okay."

"Wait, what?" Alucard asked in surprise, his gun halfway out of his holster as he was prepared to shoot him.

"I must admit to surprise as well," the Major spoke up in surprise.

"What?" Seras countered. "It's not like I'll be getting any from you, Master. You're holding out for Master Integra."

"Wait, what?" Integra asked in shock.

"You heard that?" Alucard asked in surprise. "I thought you were in blood frenzy-"

"ComCom," Seras interrupted.

"...forgot about that," Alucard admitted.

"And the babies would look rather nice," Seras continued. "So come on then, kitty."

"Er, Schrodinger," the cat boy introduced himself.

"It's Kitty or Scamp," Seras pointed out flatly.

"Meow!" Schrodinger responded readily.

As Seras dragged Schrodinger off, the Major blinked. "Well...that wasn't supposed to happen. I honestly expected Alucard to have shot him by now to start the war. I honestly don't know what to do with this."

"I could shoot him anyway!" Alucard offered eagerly.

"Not yet," the Queen spoke up reedily. "This could be...interesting."

Schrodinger lay back, his mind a bit of a daze. "Wow..." he finally managed to murmur.

"Mmm-hmm," Seras agreed calmly as she cuddled up to him. "Now...I hope you weren't planning on leaving me to raise our 'beautiful children' alone, were you?" Her hand trailed down his body.

"Well, of course not!" Schrodinger insisted defensively. "I'm a Nazi and a vampire, but I have morals!"

"Well, that might be a bit difficult..." Seras pointed out in a purring voice. "See, it sounds like the Major is about to go to war with my Master...which means one of us is likely to end up dead unless we switch sides...and I'm still bound in thralldom." Her eyes glowed red as her gaze bored into Schrodinger's face as her hand gripped him somewhere sensitive. "So what are you going to do about it, hmm?"

Schrodinger swallowed nervously. 'The Major is not going to like this...' he thought silently to himself.

"...and during the resulting conflict, Millennium was completely wiped out," Walter concluded happily. "Also, Seras broke free of Thralldom as a fully realized vampire, and all in all even the cleanup ended happily."

"Thank God for Zed's clean up crews," Integra murmured softly.

"Ya know, you'd think I'd want to remember something like that," Alucard mused thoughtfully. "But what happened with Andy?"

"I was the Vatican's ultimate anti-monster weapon!" a strongly accented Scottish voice suddenly snapped out from the hall. "It was only when I learned what an idiot the head of Iscariot was that I went Freelance. Idiot thought stealing Stonehenge again was a good idea. There's only one monster I've ever fought I haven't had a decisive victory against..."

The door slammed open, revealing a blonde haired priest in a white trenchcoat with a blonde haired, blue eyed, cat-eared baby clinging to his shoulder. "So what part of that says my primary occupation with you Protestant heathens should be babysitter?!" the priest roared out in rage.

"Aww!" Jackie cooed as he saw the child. "She's adorable-"

The little girl's eyes suddenly turned red. She opened her mouth wide, revealing several rows of razor sharp teeth. She chomped down on the priest's neck, tearing out a chunk and a good amount of blood before sucking and swallowing it all down. The missing chunk promptly regenerated.

"Aww!" Alucard cooed as Jackie looked traumatized. "Little Scamp loves her Uncle Andy..."

"I will gut you, bloodsucker!" the priest snapped angrily.

"Like that ever did you any good," Alucard countered playfully.

"...Jinkies..." Viper murmured in amazement, wondering what was going to happen next.

(1) Thanks for this Field Report idea, Jake Witt
(2) Combat Computer, a tech gift from Zed thanks to the new affiliation with his organization.

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