You Better Not Shout
In the days before the Balance, Gods, Wild, and Dark reigned over their own with no interference, lest there be war. But just because a god was Good did not make them good. One god was truly cruel to those he ruled over, and his people suffered...until an old wizard decided enough was enough. He turned his magic to crafting a weapon that could kill a god, and thus free his people. Thus the God Eater was forged.
And history divided.
Had the old wizard struck down the god, the uproar would have led to war between men and gods, and magic - and those who relied upon it - would be forced into hiding as the world purged itself of all that was not mundane, and thus humanity would claim freedom and the destruction of the unguided path. But the wizard chose the path of wisdom.
He went unto the Jade Council and challenged his god to a battle to the death. His god laughed the challenge off, but the Jade Emperor insisted it happen. He found the old wizard amusing. The god, being prideful and arrogant, granted the wizard the first blow.
The arrogant, prideful smirk remained as the head bounced across the floor.
The gods were horrified...but the Jade Emperor took control. He demanded answers from the man, and these were his answers.
He had made the weapon himself.
Only his sons knew how to make more.
They would only make more if he did not return home safely.
The only reward he desired for winning the duel was that whoever took the seat next did not force him to issue another such challenge and stain the blade with more blood.
The Jade Emperor accepted the wisdom, and offered the wizard a special form of immortality in exchange for acting as messenger, carrying weapon and severed head to the councils of Wild and Dark, for the human ability to slay gods was one all needed to discuss together. The wizard accepted.
As he left to deliver the message, he was asked his name.
"I am Sun Wukong"
Valmont lowered the document as he finished reading it. He knew the Jade Council would be coming for him before too much longer. He didn't know if he would have a chance to argue his case, or if he wanted to, but he did want to know how it worked. As such, he'd requisitioned the public records of how the Jade Council became more than just the Jade Emperor and his court, and why the current policies were in place. He only had one day now to finish reviewing them now that they'd arrived...but that was plenty of time. Beyond that, despite numerous attempts he could not reach Bai Tza in the Netherrealm for communication. He was left with little to no desire to continue.
Seeing someone beginning to appear in his office, however, he found he would take some small pleasure. He stood up as Daolong Wong finished materializing. "And what do you want?" he asked calmly, carefully maintaining his human appearance to hide all signs of his demonic nature.
Daolong Wong frowned as he finished appearing. "I attempted to purchase materials and spell ingredients via your network...and was informed I had to meet with you personally to discuss it."
Valmont smirked as he turned side-on to the old wizard. "That is true. That's because I wanted to see your face fall off myself when I told you I would no longer be doing business with you."
Daolong Wong's jaw dropped. "What?" he demanded angrily. "Why?"
"You didn't think your little stunt in Japan would be without consequences, do you?" Valmont demanded crossly.
"What stunt?" Daolong Wong countered. "I was just collecting my fee and defending myself!"
"Two milliliters of Dryadic sap, four milliliters of unicorn water, and a Qi Lin variant adolescent pegasus feather, freshly shed," Valmont stated in a seeming non-sequitur. "How much would you normally be expected to pay for such magical resources?"
Daolong Wong blinked, unsure what Valmont's point was. "Even through your network, they're next to impossible to achieve. Billions would be considered a bargain!"
"So $600 or so and an investment of eight to ten hours of time would be a steal, then?" Valmont offered in dry amusement.
"How could I possibly get such a bargain?" Daolong Wong demanded in shock.
"By offering to take the girls to an amusement park in exchange for some painlessly harvested spell ingredients," Valmont pointed out, amusement dripping from his voice. "$400 covers one adult ticket, one familiar ticket, and four child tickets. $150 for food, game stalls, and souvenirs. $50 for aspirin and antacids. And then on top of the spell ingredients, you would get the pleasure of Uncle's face falling off when his girls tell him that you're fun." He smirked as he watched the wizard's face go slack from shock. "And that is why my business including price negotiations...because you plainly can't be bothered to think of the consequences. And why I will no longer be doing business with you."
Daolong Wong snarled angrily as he gathered his magic. "You seem to forget just who you're dealing wi-" His voice caught in his throat as he clutched at his chest, smoke pouring off his body. "W...what?" he gasped out.
"Oh, it seems you weren't informed yet," Valmont observed dryly. "Good."
Daolong Wong snarled angrily. "Who could you have dealt with to have Light magic traps-"
Daolong Wong's voice faded as Valmont discarded his human form. "You do not speak to a human businessman," he declared calmly, not even an echo to his voice to mark a change. "You speak to the Demon Sorcerer of Light...and you are Persona non Grata as far as my business, services, and associates are concerned...and that includes shielding your location from the authorities that want your head as we have been since your contract was made. I will enjoy watching you squirm as every authority in this magical world hunts you down for your crimes."
Daolong Wong staggered back in shock. "You...you wouldn't..."
"I suggest you start running," Valmont observed coldly. "Right now I'm balancing what credit I would get for my own dealings with the Jade Council by turning you in myself with the entertainment I'll get watching you struggle to survive. The longer you stand there, the more it swings..." He lifted one glowing claw of light.
Daolong Wong quickly teleported away. Valmont resumed his human form. "...that was fun..." He then turned back to the documents.
In the year 1 Before Balance, humanity's greatest hero was known to none, not even the Book of Ages. This is the Story of Old Man Henderson...
Elsewhere, Daolong Wong growled to himself. It seemed he would be unable to get the resources to properly carry out his plan, and he would soon be on the run. He would have to gamble and wing it...but if he succeeded, then none would be able to stop him...
Santa glanced briefly up from his desk, seeing the sun slowly descend towards the horizon. Soon he would be within the real world, and he would have to begin making preparations to deliver gifts. In the meantime, he had three letters he had to look over, each of a very specific classification.
In a world where magic was normal, Santa Claus was less a matter of belief and more a matter of awareness. Some accepted his existence, others refused to believe he could exist, and some actually knew him personally. This led to making a complete new category when it came to letters to Santa. He had those letters from the Naughty, those letters from the Nice...and the Selfless letters. These were the letters sent by those who asked things only for others sake, and not their own.
On top of that, this first letter was from three young ones marked in his files as the True Selfless, ones who had never asked Santa for anything for themselves, only for the sake of others. It was incredibly rare for anyone to stay in that file more than a couple years after they started writing letters...and if it was at all within his power, Santa would do anything to grant the wishes from those. This one was simple and straight forward.
Dear Santa,
How are you doing? We hope you're doing well, and enjoy the cookies and milk we've been leaving out for you. We would continue with how we've been doing...but you already know that, don't you? And Audrey doesn't like it if we waste paper.
We're writing you together because...there's just one thing we'd like this year. There's this man we know, Valmont, and...okay, maybe he's a 'bad guy', but he's not a bad guy, you know what we mean? Anyway, because of some bad stuff that happened, he got separated from his love, Bai Tza. You know her, right? Demon Sorcerer of Water?
Anyway...we were really hoping you could get them back together, and give them a happy ending. They may be demons, but they aren't evil, and love like that deserves a chance. We understand if you can't...but we just had to ask. You're the only one we could ask.
Your Friends,
Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo.
P.S.: ...did you think Uncle Jackie and Aunt Viper looked awesome in that other timeline, too? We certainly did. But we'll wait to ask about that for next year. This is too important.
He chuckled a bit at the PS. He was surprised they knew he was unaffected by the Book of Ages and thus witnessed the other timeline...though then again, it was entirely possible they didn't think about that part. Setting the letter down, he turned to the next one.
Dear Santa.
I have no illusions about myself. I'm fairly certain I've been on your naughty list since I was eight years old. I don't repent that. I made my life choices, and I stand by them. I rolled the dice of fate, and accepted my outcome.
However, I am rather certain my time is coming short...and there is a promise I will be unable to keep. I promised Bai Tza, the woman I love, that I would reunite her with her daughters, D'gi, A'ri, and S'na. It seems plain I will not be able to do that...so I can only hope you might use your power to fulfill my promise in my stead.
Hopefully yours,
Valmont.
He carefully set the letter down. Even from those who were lifelong Naughty Listers, a Selfless Letter was heeded. And despite his thoughts, Valmont wasn't actually on the Naughty List. Santa didn't judge people by their life choices, he judged them based on how they lived the lives they had chosen. And the fillies were right. Valmont was a bad guy, but not a bad guy. Had he ever written a letter to Santa in his life, he might have been surprised to get a response in the form of a Christmas wish. But it was the third letter, a letter that was a transcribed prayer, that truly left Santa conflicted.
Santa
You are the only one who heeds the prayers from this Netherrealm, when all other powers have turned their backs on us. I will not ask for freedom, or to be reunited with my love, as much as I might want that. That must be left in the hands of Fate.
But my daughters...not even the Book of Ages can touch them...so I beg of you, as I have every year...please, keep them safe. And, if at all possible, let them be happy.
The name 'Bai Tza' was appended to the transcribed prayer. As he stared at the three letters, the sun dipped until the edge of it touched the horizon, bringing Santa into the real world as he slowly stabilized to the fullness of his power, when the sun fully set.
An explosion startled him out of his thoughts. "What is it now?" he growled irritably as he looked out the window of his cottage and saw his elves running in terror.
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Oh no, not HIM! I've actually READ the crazy that spawned said meme, and the meme is a massive understatement!
Oh right..wasn't there an episode with Wong and Santa?
Hehheh...word pun..the 'Wong Santa' episode. (Aka,the Wrong Santa episode)
...It's time to save Christmas!
Also, WOO! OLD MAN HENDERSON REFERENCE! YAY!
Edit:
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaait a minute. Santa was not affected by the Book of Ages... OMH was referenced... Is Santa Clause Old Man Henderson!?
Oh hell naw.
Is... is Daolong Wong going after SANTA CLAUS?
I'm getting flashbacks to "How the Saints Saved Christmas" for some reason. Probably because Daolong Wong will fare about as well as Zinyak.
If Tats manages to work in "You can't murder your way onto the nice list." I'll really lose my shit. Or, with this more cosmopolitan Santa, maybe remove the 'not' in that sentence
8461599
All hail the backstory of doomTM
8461605
I was going to dismiss that as absurd, since he's not a drunk obsessed with his gnome collection... but now that I think about it, elves are pretty similar...
8461603
Oh yeah, I forgot about that one too.
One of my favorite Disc World novels was The Hog Father (Pratchet) Death had to substitute for Santa (long story). His assistant was "It's 'Ho Ho Ho' not 'Cower, Brief Mortal' unless you want them to grow up to be chartered accountants"
8461605
8461599
It's actually the seconds one, and the first one wasn't many chapters ago, so I'm starting to think that he might actually end up having an impact on the story.
Really Tats?! I figure this is the episode where Daolong Wong attacks Santa but did you have to do a cliffhanger for the episode?!
Edit: Just re-read the chapter and realized had Daolong Wong done what Valmont had planned the ingredients would have been at least 10 times stronger than if he had taken them from the CMC because magical ingredients are more powerful and potent when willingly given to a person. So Daolong Wong really screwed himself there.
8461611
If that is true, then I am even more concern what would Daolong Wong hope to achive by doing it. Or how he think that he even has chance dealing with Santa at all?
8461599
No mere words could ever describe the incredible journey of Old Man Henderson, and indeed none need be spared for the task, for Henderson provides plenty enough of his own.
Also lots and lots of explosives, cause who doesn't love those right?
sweet solus prime it's like Wong keeps picking up that shovel and digging deeper.He's either really really stupid (being stupid does not prelude someone to not being smart I mean being a dark chi wizard at least some brain cells to be working.) or he has cast iron balls.
Am I the only one who wants to see this Santa be like the one from Rise of the Guardians and charge down Daolong Wong while duel wielding sabers?
In the series of that name, they're called God Arcs.
Elves running in terror? Did Lobo attack again?
comicsalliance.com/files/2014/12/Untitled-133.jpg?w=600&h=0&zc=1&s=0&a=t&q=89
8461599 I'm not sure why, but that seemed Familiar to me. It'll come to me.
8461603
Oh, I see. I never watched this episode. Going back to the present situation, I can only imagine how Daolong Wong would handle the Chans, the fillies, and Valmont once they know what he did to Santa.
8461611
Yes, yes he is going after Santa. I am so looking forward to this blowing up in his face.
8461609
...
...
wait... did you not know that it was those sirens when they were first mentioned?
Santa trying to help some folks, and then of course Wong has to start shit. I think even Shendu is going to be less hated than that old man at this rate. And Shendu did a fine job of buggering himself over...yeesh.
8461656
In this new world. Yes! With Sandimus, Jack, Toothiana, and E. Aster Bunnymund backing him. Here's hoping Daolong made a new deal with Pitch Black, two for the price of one!
"You may be Light, but I AM DARKNESS INCARNATE!"
8461738
Well even with liberties taken from how the show went it's almost a sure thing he will be the most hated prick in this story as I know most people hated him more then the other vilians while he was part of the show
Well obviously more people remember what happened in the most likely upcoming corresponding episode, and I think I vaguely do, but I think I'm just going to sit back and wait for Thursday this time. C'mon Santa, let's see what kind of tricks you've got up those big ol' red sleeves of yours.
Chapter One Hundred Fifty-One
"Bad Day"
Chapter Count: 0
Total Count: 40
"He's Not My Boyfriend!"/"I'm not his Mistress!"
Chapter Count: 0/0
Total Count: 44/2
8461654
Daolong Wong strikes me as a perfect illustration of why Intelligence and Wisdom are separate stats in D&D - vast intelligence lets him figure out how to do things; complete lack of wisdom keeps him from figuring out whether he should do them or not.
High intelligence sets a (very, very nearly) successful pony trap to get rare spell components; high wisdom asks the ponies nicely...
High intelligence comes up with a plan for hijacking Santa's powers on the one day he's vulnerable; high wisdom comes up with the reasons why even a successful power steal is likely to prove to be a terrible, terrible idea...
And that is why my business including price negotiations
1. Includes.
If only Wong was smarter then he'd have a ticket to rare ingredients and a funny scene.
Kid I've got two words for you; Three Selfless Wishes.
8461719
You're assuming Santa won't be able to repel the Dark Chi Wizard himself. And even if Santa can't, I'm betting Daolong Wong is going to be worse for wear by the time the Chans get involved.
Also, I love how Valmont never realized he was on the Nice List. He may be a bad guy, but he is a good boy. :)
Interesting lore in the beginning. Meanwhile, Wong really shot himself in the foot.
8461744
"Ah, you think darkness is your ally? You merely adopted the dark. I was born into it, molded by it. I didn't see the light until I was already a man, by then it was nothing to me but blinding!"
Can we please have Bane in this story? Possibly reimagined as a new supplier for the Dark Hand, and potentially as the Demon of Darkness. I just want to see him utter that line to the Daolong Wong, right before Daolong Wong gets his butt handed to him.
8461822
Pretty sure that's not possible.
That's what you get for clearly working against your employer's wishes, Daolong Wong.
illusions
I wonder how Santa deals with people (Wong) who caused ill will to those who've made selfless letters...
Hopefully painfully.
Wait, what show is this?
I admit I've never watched a whole ton of cartoons (I had, and still have, my go-to favourites - Danny Phantom, Ben 10 pre-reboot, Batman or Superman: TAS, Johnny Test was alright, I remember thinking Fairly Oddparents was enjoyable, and probably a few more I can't remember right now), but I used to watch Cartoon Network, Boomerang and sometimes Nickelodeon every schoolday morning and afternoon.
So how come I don't recognise this 'Uncle' guy?
Also, related to this, Crossover 'fics should include what they're crossing over with in the description.
To make it easier for fans of the non-MLP stuff to find it, and to introduce people to said non-MLP stuff, if they never watched it before.
Curious... In the original book of 'Journey to the west' "Sun Wukong" or as he declared himself "The great sage sosia of heaven and earth" used a staff very heavy that only he could lift.
8461796
So true. This is why many wizards and sorcerers have poor reputations in some D&D and Pathfinder lore - they don't bother considering their actions and the potential fallout from them.
The last wizard I played was a Sun Elf devout worshipper of Eilistraee (3.5e). She actually succeeded on a godcall where two divine classes (one a paladin of Moradin, the other a priestess of one of the standard elven gods) failed. She also held to the tenets of her goddess rather well until she had a persona-jarring ordeal in Hell (the one time she had a detrimental low Wisdom moment). She's recovering and has become Neutral Good again, but regrettably still bears a bit of consequence from it.
8461936 Jackie Chan Adventures
Wong is challenging a Class 6, that 364 days out of the year doesn't do much. Good plan. Wong himself is a Class 4, a mortal caster able to stand up to even a Class 3 Immortal on equal terms.
The catch? On Christmas Eve 'The Big Man' outranks the Class 1's, including the Jade Emperor, Oberon, and Lucifer Morningstar. These are beings that can look at EVERYTHING seen in this story so far, combined, and snuff it out with barely an effort.
But that's only one day out of the year. It shouldn'- ... You attacked on Christmas Eve didn't you Wong. Be grateful that it's most likely that this version of Santa is based on an actual- ... Oh Tats you cheeky bastard... There are four possibilities for whom this version of Santa is based on.
First Saint Nikolaos the Wonderworker, the guy the church likes to claim is Santa. Possible, a saint like that WOULD be a massive source of Good. But that doesn't explain Santa's sheer power.
Second, Odin Allfather, the guy the myths are ACTUALLY ABOUT. Possible, a GOD, father of an entire pantheon, would have serious power. If he somehow stored all his power 364 days out of the year and then unleashed it all on Christmas Eve, that would explain the power. But this world's Oberon is the lord of Odin, as per Oberon's connection to the Gargoyles setting.
Third, Tat's created his own lore for Santa entirely. Nothing I can really say on that.
Lastly, Old Man Henderson. Henderson was always looking for "his wee men", despite the fact he donated them to a childrens' charity. It is possible that Henderson's final act, the absolute and final death of an Elder, elevated him into a God proper. But Henderson is a lazy bastard. Sure being a God most likely cured the shit done to him, but it's not like he would be in a rush to work. So he limits himself to working with children one day out of the year and chills the remaining 364. Why does he outrank even the Big Three (JE, Oberon & LM) on Christmas? Because they're still scared shitless of him. Henderson's killing of Hastur wasn't just a worldshaking event. It was the very thing that motivated The Balance to be formed in the first place. (Yes the CMC's amulets were what caused time to be changed, but not what caused The Balance to be created) If this one mortal, now a god, could slay that which is beyond death, what could the rest of humanity do to them?
8461807
Nice reference.
No matter how benevolent a G(g)od(s) is he\she\they will never be but a malevolent\malignant entity to existence.
8461605 You know, THAT actually adds up!
Loved the fall out to Daoain’tgotnolong Wong from Valmont, ALMOST as much as I liked the part where SANTA did not have VALMONT on the Naughty list. Might not have been on the Nice list but that’s besides the point as far as I’m concerned, especially in regards to the way this is playing out.
Oh short little Daoain’tgotnolong Wong, you have SO bitten off more than you can handle!
8461997 I think this Santa is a possible combo of the last possibility of yours mixed with the Santa from “Rise of the Guardians”
The bedrock under that curb is going to be in such bad shape after this stomping
8461796
And some wizards actually are idiots. I'm reminded of a game I once played; the DM wasn't all that experienced, honestly, and had this mildly annoying tendency to shove the party into boring arenas for boss fights. It's always a featureless square or circular room with a single big monster or a few little monsters. Every time except for this. The town we were in was being attacked by a mini-Tarrasque. Our druid turned some of the city guards into giant apes and we just went ham on it. Turned out it was an artificially created Tarrasque Jr made and controlled by a wizard who was pissed because of taxes. I swear I'm not making this up. It was the most hilariously insane moment I've ever had in any game I've played.
8462004
Trust me if wong ain't wetting his toga yet *Opens cellphone* I know a few sets of japanese teenagers that will be all to glad to handle this!
Yep, Daolong Wong's gonna get the beatdown.
Also, this story had a marvelous example of Pragmatic Villainy. Had Daolong been smart, he'd have not only gotten what he wanted, but he'd have infuriated Uncle in the bargain. Instead he was stupid, and now he'll be lucky if he doesn't end up dead or locked away somewhere deep and dark.
Valmont's plan to acquire the ingredients peacefully was more or less what I expected, though I still say it was horrendously careless of him not to inform Wong beforehand.
However, there is something else I think that everyone's overlooked. When Jackie destroyed the Panku Box, his sword absorbed the artifact's power. This not only enabled the sword to banish all the demon sorcerers, but, as I see it, gave it another power. The sword is now the new key and its wielder the jailer. It seems to me like Jackie should now be able to open the demon doors at his leisure, so long as the demons stuck to parole conditions, which most seemed willing to do anyway.
Umm.. if the timeline has been restored, wouldn't that mean that Jade is once again stuck in the netherrealm? In which case, I'm surprised that the Santa letters don't mention her. Unless they already had a plan in the works to rescue her, so didn't need to worry about asking for her safety as well.
8461656
Not a crossover I was expecting for this setting, but it would fit SO well!
8462093
Timeline was restored to the point where Valmont made the decision to alter the Book of Ages. At that point, Jade and Hsi Wu were free and Valmont was a Demon Sorcerer.
Old Man Henderson...
Tats, I'm pretty sure you've doomed the everything.
Looks like bun-bun is attacking. Hopefully the bunny doesn't know about Santa's weakness to nerf yet.