• Published 12th Apr 2016
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STAR WARS / FiM: Realms of the Heavens - Tathem_Relag



An Imperial expeditionary group exploring the Unknown Regions of the Galaxy encounters a planet far more bizarre - and, potentially, dangerous - than anything they could have possibly predicted.

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Chapter Three: Blastboat Diplomacy

Northeast of Ponyville
5:21 A.M.

Twilight Sparkle forced her way through the crowd that was had gathered in the fields facing Canterlot. The doctors at Ponyville Hospital had assured her that Rainbow Dash would make a full recovery, though it would be a few days before her scorched wing feathers healed and she could fly again. Fortunately, she wouldn’t have to spend those days in the hospital this time. Since getting up to the Cloudominium was clearly out of the question, she would be staying in the Castle of Friendship until then. Unfortunately, Rainbow’s misadventure wasn’t the most pressing issue at the moment.

Over the past ten minutes, large, white vehicles had been coming down from the sky about half a mile away. Upon landing, they’d release either a group of alien bipeds or what Twilight could only assume to be various sorts of other vehicles, and then they’d fly off again, out of sight. The last flying vehicle had disappeared just under a minute ago, and now the thousands of aliens were forming orderly groups and turning to face Canterlot. Music reached the ears of the ponies in the crowd. For some reason she couldn’t quite put her hoof on, the wordless tune filled Twilight with dread.

Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum-te-dum, Dum-te-dum…

Beside her, Spike belched dragonfire that resolved into a scroll. Knowing that it could only be about the new arrivals, Twilight frantically opened and read the letter.

My faithful student Twilight Sparkle,

Princess Luna and I are coming to meet these aliens face-to-face. I request the presence of you and your friends alongside us as the Princess of Friendship and the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony. This will be the greatest test you have ever faced, but I am confident that you will perform admirably.
Princess Celestia


Crystal Empire Outskirts
5:27 A.M.

Princess Mi Amore Cadenza stood in front of the huge ten-wheeled vehicle, with her husband and a platoon of Royal Guards by her side. The thing was massive, over seven times as tall average pony and over twenty-two times as long. Another identical vehicle was behind it, along with many smaller vehicles. Some had two legs like a minotaur, though their metal surfaces and lack of any other identifiable body parts made it clear that they were, indeed, vehicles, not living things. The rest floated above the ground, but they didn’t have wings, and Cadance couldn’t see any magical auras holding them up by telekinesis.

A clanking sound came from the side of the first vehicle. Craning her neck, she saw a hatch open and a group of bipeds about a third of a foot shorter than Celestia come down a ladder. Most of them carried strange metal objects in their hands and were entirely covered in a white, plastic-like substance. Except for their solid black eyes, they had no facial features, or even discernible necks. Based on the last creature to emerge, however, Cadance assumed that their appearance was due to some unusual sort of armor. That one looked remarkably like how Twilight had described humans, though it had differences in body proportions that couldn’t be explained by a slightly inaccurate description and a mental picture twisted by even the wildest imagination. It was dressed in gray and black clothing and had peach-colored skin, small eyes with brown irises, and short black hair. To Shining Armor, the design of its clothing, the hard look in its eyes, the cut of its hair, and its purposeful stride marked it as an obvious military officer.

It came to a halt less than three feet away from them, surveyed the ponies with clear disdain, and spoke in a male voice and perfect Equestrian.

“I don’t suppose any of you pitiful creatures speak Galactic Basic Standard?”


Northeast of Ponyville
5:32 A.M.

Twilight swallowed nervously. Diplomacy with the other species that ponies had been in contact with for years was difficult enough; developing good relations with an entirely new species might be almost impossible. Differences in culture and biology could result in either group doing something that they thought was perfectly normal and respectful, but that the other would consider an act of war. She knew the Royal Sisters would be totally willing to forgive any initial offenses that might be committed, but she couldn’t be sure if the newcomers would be so understanding. Just in case, she had made the other Element-Bearers Pinkie Promise to not interact with the aliens unless absolutely necessary – well, all of them except Fluttershy. She made her promise not to run away.

From a distance, Twilight had thought that the aliens might be humans. However, as the Equestrian leaders and heroes approached them, she realized that that couldn’t be the case. Not just because of their weird proportions or strangely brown-based hair and skin colorations, though those certainly contributed. No, what truly convinced her was the looks on their faces. Most of the ones whose faces she could see had cold, dead eyes and set jaws, no kinder than the unsettling helmets worn by a few hundred of them. But the worst one was their leader. He – or at least, Twilight assumed it was male based on her previous interactions with humans – gave off a sense of pure malice beyond anything she had ever experienced before, even from Tirek or the pre-reformation Discord. Some of the humans had been mean, sure, but she was certain that they could all be made to understand the true magic of friendship with enough time and patience. This alien, however, had a look of sheer hatred that she couldn’t imagine being worn by anything other than a being of pure disharmony. She got the distinct impression that he was only barely holding back an urge to throw himself at the closest pony in a bloodthirsty rage. His horrifying facial expression was not in any way softened by the dark red ripples and blisters that marred his head’s right side, nor the piece of dark metal that concealed his corresponding eye socket.

He approached the Equestrian delegation with two of the white-armored aliens, glared up at Celestia with his one eye, and began to speak. “I am Major General Davar Aerin of the Army of the Galactic Empire. I have already been informed by my subordinate, High Colonel Kell Alder, that you creatures speak a butchered dialect of Galactic Basic Standard, you call yourselves ‘ponies,’ and, based on the description given to him by a certain ‘Princess Cadenza’ to the north, you are Celestia, this planet’s dictator. The man in charge of this expedition, Admiral Sturm Gavrisom of the Imperial Navy, demands to speak with you.”

Luna snarled at the obviously intentional lack of the respect being shown to her sister. She took a threatening step towards the aliens and made her displeasure known with the Traditional Royal Canterlot Voice. “HOW DAREST THOU SPEAK TO OUR SISTER IN SUCH A MANNER! SHE IS THE PRINCESS OF THE SUN, AND THOU SHALT TREAT HER WITH DUE RESPECT! OTHERWISE, WE WILL BE FORCED TO –”

Celestia coughed into her hoof. “That’s quite enough, sister,” she said mildly. Luna muttered an apology and stepped back. Celestia continued, speaking to General Aerin. “I am indeed Princess Celestia. I’m pleased to make your acquaintance, and I would of course be willing to meet with your leader. However, as Princess Luna was trying to say, I am not a dictator, nor do I rule this entire planet. I am a Princess, and would prefer to be addressed as such. The only place I directly govern is this fair land of Equestria. While every living thing on Earth does depend on me, it is not because I rule over them with an iron hoof, but because I am responsible for the movement of the sun.”

That last statement earned her a harsh laugh from the general. “You say you’re not a dictator in one breath, then claim to be a goddess in the next! Spare me your propaganda; it won’t work on beings who are scientifically advanced enough to actually know how the universe works.”

Celestia frowned. This alien was testing the limits of even her great patience. “I’ve made no claim to be a deity, and I most certainly don’t want to be thought of as one. I must admit, I’m confused by your reaction to the fact that I move the sun, but your acceptance or denial of reality is not the main issue here. I believe you said your leader wishes to speak with me? I would appreciate it if you would go get him, or tell me where he is so that I can go to him.”

General Aerin responded with a snort that was half amusement, half disgust. “You know, you sound like you really mean it. I think you’ve actually managed to condition yourself to believe your own lies. You will indeed speak with the admiral, but he is not ‘my leader.’ Technically, ‘Admiral’ and ‘Major General’ are equivalent ranks, though it’s traditional for the highest-ranking naval officer to take command of mixed-branch operations. No, the only one who I would truly call ‘my leader’ is His Imperial Majesty, Emperor Palpatine – and he has far more important issues to deal with than negotiations with some primitive non-humanoids on a beyond-backwater planet in the Unknown Regions. The admiral will speak with you right here, right now. There is no need for either party to go anywhere.”

Twilight could tell that Pinkie Pie was struggling to hold back an outburst of enthusiasm at the word “party,” but what captivated Twilight’s attention was the metal disk the alien pulled out of a pouch on his belt. He pressed a few buttons on it, and a sky blue ray of light shot out from it and passed over the pony diplomats with a hum. Twilight wasn’t sure what it had done, though she didn’t think it had hurt her in any way. Then, the device buzzed, and a foot-tall, blue-tinted image of another one of the aliens appeared, standing on the top of the disk with his back straight, feet slightly spread, and hands clasped behind him. The expression on this one’s face could hardly have been more different than General Aerin’s sneer. He bore a faint smile, and his eyes were slightly widened, giving him a look of amiable curiosity.

“Ah, greetings,” the image said. Twilight realized with excitement that the disk must somehow be instantaneously transmitting sounds and images to and from an unknown location. If she could somehow get her hooves on whatever spell or technology it was using and figure out how it worked, it would revolutionize Equestrian society!

“I am Admiral Sturm Gavrisom,” the image continued. “As the head of this expeditionary force, it is my duty and my pleasure to represent the Galactic Empire. You, I presume, are Princess Celestia, ruler of the ponies?”

Celestia smiled at this far more cordial greeting. “You are mostly correct, though I don’t rule Equestria alone. Princess Luna, Princess Cadance, and Princess Twilight Sparkle help me greatly.”

“A quadrumvirate, then,” Gavrisom replied. “Very well. I presume that the ‘Princess Mi Amore Cadenza’ that Colonel Alder encountered at the city to the north is one and the same as the ‘Princess Cadance’ that you mentioned, and the two beings beside you are the Princesses Luna and Twilight Sparkle?”

Celestia nodded in confirmation. “This,” she said, lifting a hoof to point to her right, “is Princess Luna, Princess of the Night and my loving sister. And this –” she shifted her hoof to point left “– is Princess Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship and my faithful student.”

Twilight noticed that the alien’s pleasant expression had faded, and he was starting to look annoyed. “My, what interesting titles you have,” he said sardonically. “Now that the pleasantries are out of the way, I believe it’s time to get to business. What do you have to offer in return for favorable terms of entrance into the Galactic Empire?”

Celestia’s smile inverted itself. “What makes you think we want to join your ‘Empire’? We don’t even know anything about it. In particular, I find your claims about it being ‘Galactic’ quite hard to believe. Are you truly claiming that your nation rules the entire galaxy?”

The admiral gave a satisfied grin. “Well, not quite. We’re allies of the Chiss Ascendancy, the Corporate Sector and Hutt Space pay us tribute in exchange for their autonomy, and the vast majority of worlds simply don’t have anything on them that makes them worth controlling. However, we rule seventy million of the galaxy’s one billion inhabited star systems, containing the vast majority of the galactic population – over one hundred quadrillion beings.”

The Princesses were stunned. Equestria only held about one hundred and fifty million ponies. The next largest nation on their world was the Griffon Kingdom, with a population of about eighty million. If what Admiral Gavrisom was saying was true, then every single living thing on the planet could die the very next day and have absolutely no significant effect on the galaxy’s total population numbers.

No. It had to be a trick, a lie. Celestia refused to think that everything she and all other ponies had ever known and built could possibly be considered so insignificant. “I don’t believe you,” she stated firmly. “As you just said, the galaxy is huge. Nopony could travel the entire galaxy, even if they lived for millions of years.”

This time, it was General Aerin who replied, not attempting to prevent a tone of smug superiority from entering his voice. “You’re right. No pony could. But we humans have been capable of faster-than-light travel for over twenty-five thousand years.”

That statement shook Twilight more than any other the aliens had made. “No, no, you can’t be humans! Humans don’t look like you, for one, and none of the humans I’ve met ever said anything about ruling the galaxy!”

Gavrisom turned toward her with a look of pity. “Well then, my dear, whatever creatures you encountered that called themselves humans were lying to you. I assure you, every single member of our task force is human, and we are quite representative of our species. Well, aside from an above-average level of fitness and a gender ratio heavily skewed in favor of men. We are military personnel, after all.” He turned back to Celestia. “Now, as to your first question: why would you want to join the Empire? Well, think of everything we have. An industry that can support the sort of military that you see before you. The ability to travel the entire length of the galaxy in a matter of days. Medicines that are most certainly far more effective than anything you can provide for your people. Instantaneous communication with other worlds thousands of lightyears away. All the scientific progress of a society that has been colonising other planets for twenty-seven and a half thousand years, while yours has yet to leave its homeworld. Millions of sapient species and the diverse array of cultures that entails. Do you really want to deny your people this bounty?”

Celestia thought for a moment, then shook her head. “You asked what we have to offer in return for ‘favorable terms of entrance.’ All of those things you described sound wonderful, assuming you are actually capable of providing them, but I can’t help but feel like you’re just looking to exploit us.”

Gavrisom looked hurt by this accusation, though Twilight noticed a glint of amusement in General Aerin’s eye. “Well, of course we’re looking to establish a relationship that benefits us, not just you,” the admiral said. “Resources are limited, and unless you do something to help us, I doubt the Imperial Senate will be willing to redirect any of them from other, more-esteemed worlds to help you.”

Celestia shook her head again, more firmly this time. “No. You sound like you want me to turn over the care of my little ponies to a government that only cares about what it can get from them. And that is something I absolutely will not do.”

Gavrisom sighed, looking truly disappointed. “If that’s your final decision, then that’s the way we’ll play things. Let the record show that I tried to do this the nice way.” His expression hardened. “I hereby declare this world a protectorate of the Galactic Empire. And the real reason you will accept this is because we have a fleet in orbit that is both willing and able to incinerate every living thing on your planet if I should decide to give that order.”

Every pony in earshot recoiled in horror. None of the various villains and fiends that tried to take over Equestria every few months had ever expressed such a willingness to engage in wholesale murder. Sombra had wanted to enslave them; Chrysalis had wanted to feed on their love; Discord had wanted to torment them for his own amusement; Tirek had wanted to take their magic; Starlight Glimmer had wanted to twist their minds. While the endless night that Nightmare Moon had wanted to bring about would have eventually caused mass deaths due to cold and starvation, that hadn’t been her intent. To hear such a total lack of any concern about killing was something nopony was prepared for. Then came a sound that chilled even the bravest ponies to the bone.

General Aerin threw back his head and laughed. This wasn’t the infectious cheer Pinkie Pie loved to spread everywhere she went, or even the self-righteous disdain that had prompted the general’s previous outburst. This was the laugh of one who saw that his actions caused others fear and pain, and, instead of feeling sorrow, reveled in it.

Luna recovered first. Her response was pure rage. “IF THOU WANTED A FIGHT, CREATURES, THOU HAST GOT MORE THAN THOU BARGAINED FOR! MY SISTER AND I HAVE VANQUISHED MANY A MONSTER AND OVERTHROWN MANY A WOULD-BE TYRANT! THOU SHALT BE NO DIFFERENT!”

This time, Celestia did not try to restrain her sister. Instead, she and the Element-Bearers rallied around the warlike Princess of the Night, their expressions hardening in anticipation of a climactic showdown.

The Imperials seemed absolutely unafraid. General Aerin looked down at the image of Admiral Gavrisom with an amused grin. “They don’t seem to understand how utterly hopeless their position is. May I suggest a demonstration of our capabilities?”

Gavrisom sighed again. “Very well. But I will not indulge your taste for alien blood unless they leave me with no other choice. All craft, move into optimal firing positions for a thirty second spread with a twenty click radius around coordinates plus-thirty-seven-point-five-six, minus-one-oh-seven-point-six-seven and transfer all non-essential power to weapons.” There was silence for a few seconds, then: “All craft – fire.”

The ponies stared in shock as hundreds of green and red bolts of light poured from the sky into the Everfree Forest, setting it ablaze. Twilight was relieved to see that Zecora was in the watching crowd; by the end of the thirty seconds, the forest was a firestorm that nothing could have survived. The crowd was silent as it gazed upon the devastation that the aliens had called down from the sky with seemingly no effort at all. To everypony’s surprise, it was Fluttershy who spoke up first.

“You… you MONSTERS!” she shrieked, looking the two Imperial commanders in the eyes. “How could you so senselessly take the lives of all those poor, innocent animals?! You didn’t even think about them, did you?! ‘Oh, they’re just animals. Why should I care about them?’ Well, let me tell you something, misters: animals are people too! They have feelings, and they care about others, unlike you! Now, you’re going to give me the biggest apology in history, and you’d better make it good!”

Admiral Gavrisom, on the other side of the rather grainy holotransmission, felt some pity for this obviously distraught alien, but he had no real desire to do what she wanted. General Aerin, on the other hand, received the full force of the Stare. At first, he was just amused. Does this alien really think that I’m going to be scared by it? Does it really think it can win a battle of wills with me? Then, however, a worm of doubt wriggled its way into his mind, shortly erupting into full-blown terror. This short, big-eyed, pastel-coloured, furry quadruped was suddenly the most intimidating thing he had seen in his entire life. He felt compelled to give in to her demand, to fall on his knees and beg for her forgiveness, to do anything she wanted just so she’d stop looking at him like that! But then his military instincts kicked in. He never would have made it very far up the chain of command if he panicked and gave in every time he was scared, or defeat seemed inevitable. He may not have been able to make himself take any direct action against her in his current state, but he didn’t need to. That was what his bodyguards were for.

“Blast her, blast her!” he screamed, unable to pull his eyes away from hers. The stormtroopers couldn’t see any threat the creature posed to their commander, but they were trained to always follow orders, even if they didn’t seem to make any sense. By the time the general had finished shouting, two bolts of high-powered, super-heated plasma had slammed into the pony’s chest, sending her flying over a meter and leaving two charred circles at their points of impact. This finally shook the other ponies out of their stupor. The other Element-Bearers immediately rushed over to help their friend, the ponies in the crowd screamed and either ran or fainted, and the Royal Sisters approached the Imperials in a fury, ready to tear apart those who could be so cruel as to hurt the kindest pony in Equestria.

General Aerin, recovering his wits, noticed that the pony he had just ordered shot was whimpering and shuddering on the ground in excruciating pain. “Very… impressive,” he had to admit. “That would have killed a full-grown Wookiee. Still, I believe this serves as an adequate indication of what happens to those who resist the might of the –”

“How dare you!” a voice hissed out of nowhere. “How dare you hurt sweet little Fluttershy!” The Imperials recoiled as Discord appeared with a flash of light. He snapped his talons, turning all of the Imperials’ blaster rifles into roses. The Army troopers started visibly panicking.

Admiral Gavrisom quickly reassessed the situation as the Royal Sisters stepped beside Discord, their eyes and horns glowing with power. He immediately understood how the ponies had managed to create a modestly advanced civilisation without any Industrial-Era technology. He had served alongside Jedi many times during the Clone Wars, had even once met Grand Master Yoda, and of course knew the stories of Darth Vader’s power. But the level of strength in the Force that was on display here was far beyond anything he had ever seen or even heard of before. There was really only one rational response. “General Aerin,” he said, “it appears that we have made a gross miscalculation. We will not be claiming this planet for the Empire. Recall your men.”

“WHAT!?” the belligerent general practically exploded with rage. “I absolutely will not retreat! I don’t care what it takes, these aliens must be shown that nobody gets away with disrespecting –”

“That is an order, General,” Gavrisom cut him off. “I am invoking command code Base Delta Zero. Get back up here. Now.

General Aerin looked shocked for a moment. “Yes, Admiral,” he replied before shutting the holocom off. Then he gave the non-humans his most sadistic grin. “You are going to regret defying the Empire,” he told them, then turned around and began organising his men for the shuttle ride back into orbit.


Ponyville Hospital
5:57 A.M.

Princess Celestia sighed in exhaustion. It wasn’t even time for her to raise the sun quite yet, but it had already been one of the most difficult days she could remember. Fluttershy was going to survive, it seemed, but it was going to be a long time until she could leave the hospital. It was hard for the Princess to believe how much damage the aliens had caused in their short time in Equestria. She had wanted so badly to wipe them out for all the suffering they had brought, but she couldn’t attack them in good conscience when they were leaving peacefully and of their own free will. Still, at least nopony had died, so things had turned out better than she had feared.

Or at least, that was what she thought until she looked out a window and saw the lights in the sky again, this time coming directly toward Ponyville.

Author's Note:

Yes, I'm calling the pony planet "Earth," based on the line from Hearth's Warming Eve about the Earth being round. Granted, it was Pinkie Pie saying that, so the reliability of that statement is somewhat in doubt. If I get enough complaints about it, I can change it to Equus or something like that.

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