Alicornae: The Legend of Starlit Sky
Part II - Chapter 9: …But Far Worse Than You'd Hope
* * *
Starlit waited for the ceremony to end in a dark corner of the foyer to the House of the Rising Sun. Its polished marble floors and cavernous ceiling made the echo of the crowd noise from outside unbearable to listen to, and the clattering of hooves as the Vox members came back inside was just as bad.
None of the Vox noticed she was there, as their hoods eliminated their peripheral vision, but Starlit would be hard pressed to extricate Applejack from the crowd regardless. They circled her like a herd of cattle, or a pack of wolves.
"Looks like I'll need to find the runt of the pack," Starlit thought as they marched past. As the procession trailed off Starlit saw a pegasus mare near the back who fit the description of runt perfectly.
With deft hoof, taking care not to clatter her horseshoes on the marble floor too much, she grabbed the scrawny pegasus just as she passed the alcove Starlit had been hiding in. She started to scream before Starlit clamped a hoof over her mouth and dragged her into the shadows.
"Let me say that this is nothing against you. You just happen to be in my way and my size for robes," Starlit told the pegasus. Quickly she pulled her sword from its sheathe and drove the pommel into the side of her captive's skull. The pegasus went cross-eyed before a second drubbing with the sword knocked her unconscious.
In the dark of the alcove Starlit stripped the pegasus of her robes and threw them over herself. It was a tad tight around the midsection, and she had to carefully drape the cloth so that it covered the wing holes as well as poke a hole through the hood to accommodate her horn, but it would manage.
Starlit took her saddlebags and stuffed them into a closet alongside the sleeping pegasus, taking care to hide them so they wouldn't be looted through when her captive woke up. She noticed that few Vox carried daggers or a cudgel of some description, so she figured that her sword wouldn't draw suspicion.
Though she was loathe to do so, Starlit also took the black stone amulet and put it back around her neck. It thumped rhythmically as she hid it in the folds of her robes, its surface still cool to the touch. She knew she couldn't let something this powerful fall into Celestia's hooves, but its presence back on her body unsettled her.
Calmly Starlit walked out into the main room of the foyer. So far none of the Vox members paid her much heed, only a few disinterested glances before returning to their work. Starlit's heart felt like a drum in her chest, but she was maintaining her cover well enough.
"You there!" a deep voice with a noticeable, familiar twang called from behind just as Starlit began ascending the stairs.
Starlit slowly, agonizingly turned to see the cherry red earth pony who had kidnapped Applejack. His hood was pulled over his eyes, but his strong jaw tipped her off that this was the same stallion.
"Yes?" Starlit asked, her voice wavering ever so slightly.
"Are you new? I haven't seen you here before?"
Starlit's mind spun furiously, trying to come up with a convincing lie as she stood on the stairs. The earth pony seemed to be eyeing her with suspicion, even if she couldn't where he was looking. She felt that he'd have a stare that could bore through stone if she could look him in the face.
"Um, yes, actually," Starlit answered. "Just freshly inducted. Sorry if you haven't seen me yet, this is a rather big building and all."
If he looked incredulous, Starlit couldn't tell. She could feel the sweat beading onto her brow at his unseen stare as he ran his unseen eyes over her.
"Well then, if that's the case," he said in a low, rumbling voice, "why don't you see to our newest recruit. She'll be in the Initiate's Coven for the rest of the evening in contemplation."
"Yes sir," Starlit said hurriedly, "right away, sir."
Starlit turned back to the stairs to beat a hasty retreat, only to stop short when she realized she had no idea where she was going. The kidnapper noticed as well, with those keen eyes of his.
"You do know where it is, right?" he asked with an accusatory tone.
"Uh... um," Starlit stammered, "I'm sure I-I'll find my way, it can't be that difficult."
Again the stallion fell silent as Starlit's heartbeat steadily climbed to a perilous crescendo. His silences were worse than his words, and carried twice the weight of anything he said.
"Third floor, seventh corridor, eight door on the left," he replied with derision. "The door'll have a good plaque that says what it is, you can't miss it."
"Right, gold plaque, third floor," Starlit muttered loud enough for him to hear. "Thanks for the directions!"
Starlit ascended the stairs with alacrity, both relieved and mildly terrified that she'd gotten through her ruse. She was certain the stallion suspected her, but with nothing concrete to go off of it would take him time to act on these suspicions. In that time she'd find Applejack and Sun and get out of this gold and marble hellhole.
A few more Vox members passed her by as Starlit made her way to the Initiates Coven, but were too absorbed in whatever their tasks were to give her much mind. The door to the Coven was made from rich, oiled wood and had a plaque hammered to the front of it. With a solid shove she opened the door, playing the part of a Vox member on a mission.
No other pony save for Applejack was in the sparsely decorated room, who had jumped when Starlit entered so abruptly. There was fear and confusion written on her once proud and gentle face, and she was still nursing several bruises, cuts, and a semi-swollen eye, none of which had been properly bandaged.
Starlit winced at the state she found her in, but thankfully Applejack's reaction meant that she hadn't been brainwashed yet. Starlit walked softly toward her, locking the door behind her as she did.
"What do you want?" Applejack asked. It was an act of defiance to speak so cavalierly, Starlit was sure, but her voice carried a broken tone like a harp with half its strings cut.
"Applejack, I'm here to get you out. You need to come with me right now."
"Like hell I do!" Applejack retorted, retreating back to a corner of the room. Quickly Starlit realized the problem, and pulled the hood off of her head.
Applejack, it's me! It's Starlit Sky."
As soon as she made the connection Applejack's defensiveness melted away, and she bounded forward. She wrapped Starlit in a tight, furious hug that threatened to knock her off of her hooves, which Starlit returned with equal measure.
"Starlit, you idiot," Applejack chided playfully, "why'd you have to go and get yourself into this mess for my sake? I'd have gotten out of here in a few more days time, you know that!"
"Lucky for you, you just happened to be on my way to deposing the Queen," Starlit jibed back.
Applejack let Starlit go, a grateful smile forcing its way through her marred face as tears ran from her swollen eye.
"I knew something was up when you told me you had business with that colossal bitch," Applejack said. "How do you plan on doing that? Celestia controls the sun, and that's the sort of power that doesn't get given up easily."
"I'm... still working on that part," Starlit answered sheepishly, "but right now I'm also trying to find Sun. He's somewhere in here without me, probably also hunting for you, and he'll be able to help me out with the particulars."
"So he really came along? And he's lasted this whole time out here?"
"We've had some help along the way," Starlit said, "and he's far more capable than he seems. He even had to last in a thestral hive for a while without me."
"No kidding?" Applejack replied. "Never thought he had it in him. You'll have to tell me that story some time."
"I'll put it on the to-do list, but now's not the time for idle chit-chat," Starlit said, steering the conversation back on track. "As far as I know none of the Vox know I'm an imposter, and I was sent by the stallion that kidnapped you to come find and attend to you."
Applejack's smile faded as Starlit mentioned the kidnapper, and she realized that the matter was probably still a sore subject.
"What do you think he meant by 'attend?'" Applejack asked, venom in her voice.
"Doesn't matter, because you're coming with me," Starlit answered. "I'll keep posing as a Vox and you keep posing as the fiery new initiate who needs to be taught her place. We search this place for Sun and get him out, then regroup somewhere and figure out how to deal with Celestia."
"Not much of a plan, but it'll beat staying here," Applejack replied. "Lead on."
Quickly the pair got into character and left the Coven, Starlit pulling her hood up as she did and shoving Applejack out the door for good measure. She'd get an earful over that for sure, but that was a problem for her future self.
* * *
Even though she'd been inside the building for a few hours hunting for Setting Sun, Starlit couldn't get over the sheer awe that struck her at the sight of the House of the Rising Sun. The walls and furniture were made of rich, dark wood with gold accoutrements, and every other room seemed to house a study chamber, cloister, or service hall for the ponies that called this place home.
So far nopony had bothered Starlit and Applejack, with the few that cast them a sideways glance quickly understanding what was going on and leaving well enough alone. Starlit had made a few hasty apologies when going into rooms that they didn't belong in, but the majority of the rooms they checked for Sun in were emptied out.
They had ascended their third flight of stairs when their luck finally ran out and a proper Vox member accosted them.
"Hey, you there!" a whispy female earth pony called from down the hall. Starlit's heart froze up in her chest, and Applejack visibly reacted to the sound of the pony's voice with a knee-jerk reaction.
The pony clomped toward them with purpose, and Applejack retreated behind Starlit as she got closer and closer.
"What's the matter?" Starlit asked, keeping her voice even despite herself.
"What's the matter? Where've you been for the last three hours? We've gotten word that there's an intruder in the building. All Vox Praetoreans are to be on the look out."
"Then why tell me that?" Starlit asked.
"Uh, the sword?" the earth pony replied as she pointed to Starlit's smallsword hanging at her side. Starlit's blood ran cold as she rememebered the other Vox members with weapons; she hadn't stopped to figure whether or not that meant they were of a different ranking.
"Oh, right, o-of course!" Starlit hastily replied. "Forgot my own station there for a second."
"Well, lackadaisical memory or not, all Vox Praetoreans are supposed to be patrolling this floor anyway, so take the Initiate to wherever she's going and get to work."
With a huff the earth pony stalked off down the stairs, Applejack and Starlit breathing a sigh of relief as soon as she was out of earshot.
"I guess that narrows it down," Starlit commented. "He's somewhere on this floor if this is where all the Vox Praetoreans are supposed to be."
Applejack didn't reply, only giving a small nod of agreement. Starlit felt a seed of worry plant in her chest at seeing how rattled Applejack was, but she would address that after they got out.
Quickly they made their rounds, avoiding other Praetoreans who thankfully were too busy hunting the massive floor for Sun to notice them. They checked every room quickly before finally happening upon one down a secluded hallway that was well out of the patrol routes. There was a well-worn plaque next to the door that read Hall of Remembrance.
Starlit pushed the door open with, to her ears, and unconscionably loud creak, to find a room covered in portraits of ponies. On the far side of the room sat Setting Sun, staring up at a portrait with a hardened glare. He only turned to acknowledge her when she was within five feet of him, which is when she pulled her hood down. Applejack stayed at the far end of the room to keep an ear out for the guards.
"Starlit?" Sun asked. "What are you doing here? This place isn't safe."
"Of course it isn't," Starlit replied as she sat next to him, "but I could ask you the very same question."
"I'm here, I assume, doing the same thing you are; trying to find Applejack and get her out of here."
"Well, I've found her, and now I've tracked you down," Starlit replied, "so what say we get out of here before we're all caught?"
Sun didn't say anything in response, only turning back to look at the wall of portraits again.
"Unless, of course, there was another reason that you're here," Starlit continued, in a not-so-subtle steering of the conversation.
"I don't follow," Sun replied. "What else could I be here for?"
"Sun, I saw your cutie mark earlier. When you took your cloak off, I saw it."
Sun didn't speak for a long while, and thankfully no guards made their rounds by the room as he held the silence. He sat in place like a schoolcolt caught doing wrong.
"Starlit, I haven't been honest with you," Sun finally said. "You told me where you came from and revealed some deeply personal secrets, so I guess it's time that I level with you."
"I'm not from Appleoosa, and my parents were never summoned away," Sun continued. "Originally I'm from here; not just Sunspire, but the House itself. My parents were members of the Vox Solaris, after being summoned from wherever they were from."
Starlit looked to the portrait Sun had been looking at, the connection forming in her head. There were a pair of portraits, each with a unicorn in the picture; one was a stallion and the other a mare. The stallion had a lot of Sun's facial structure upon further inspection as well as his whippish build, while the mare had his burgundy coat. They both had vibrant green eyes.
"That's them," Sun said curtly. "That's Ma and Pa. Normally relationships aren't allowed in the Vox Solaris, but they managed to keep it secret long enough to conceive me. I was born here, and then my parents were banished to the wastes. At least, that's what they told me."
"The only reason they didn't die out there was thanks to the brass shelters I have. I was worried they wouldn't work for us because of their age, but the enchantments the Vox placed on them managed to hold out over two decades. Apparently they build 'em to last here."
"The shelters were a gift from your parents?" Starlit asked, feeling even more guilty for how she'd ridiculed them.
"More of an heirloom. It was a miracle they even made it out of Sunspire with them, but thanks to those shelters they managed to survive in the Plains long enough to get to Appleoosa, and that's where they settled down."
"But if you were only here as a baby, then why does your cutie mark have Celestia's sigil on it?" Starlit asked. "Wouldn't it have been influenced by where you grew up rather than where you were born?"
"My parents… my parents always told me I was a special child, that I was born to do great things because the magic of Sunspire was with me. I guess they meant that literally. In hindsight it makes sense; I was born in Sunspire, so I was exposed to Celestia's magic during my entire gestation period because of her control of the sun."
Starlit and Sun sat in silence again as Starlit pondered over her next question. There were so many that went in and out of her head, but one came to the forefront more than the rest.
"Why did you come back?" Starlit asked. "If your parents did so much to get you out of here and give you a normal life, why come back? Why put everything they did for you at risk just to help a stranger with her suicide mission?"
"...Revenge?" Sun answered. "Revenge for taking my parents away again, vegneance for all the lives the Queen has ruined. And maybe a little bit of hope for a future outside of her rule."
Sun, what did actually happen to your parents?" Starlit asked, although she feared the answer wouldn't be one she wanted to receive.
"They were taken out by Vox assassins when I was eight," Sun continued with a flat tone. "According to the undertaker it was a quick and relatively painless death, and much like you I got bounced around from family to family until I grew up. I even stayed with Cherry Blossom for a while and worked in her bar during my teens."
"Sun, I'm so sorry, if I had known I wouldn—"
"It's alright, Starlit," Sun interrupted. "You needed to know anyway, and I've long since gotten over what happened to my parents. At least I was old enough to process what had happened in a healthy way. Old enough to have happy memories of them."
"Thank goodness for small miracles," Starlit muttered. Gingerly she laid a hoof across his back, rubbing small circles across his spine. When White Eclipse was a baby Starlit would do this to help calm her out of a crying fit. Something told her that Sun needed it too.
"Guys, not that I'm not super into the whole emotional pow-wow y'all are having over there, but we're on something of a time-table," Applejack interjected. "The sooner we're out of here, the better."
"Right," Sun replied, "but before we go there's something Starlit needs to see."
Sun led Starlit over to another section of the wall, one with younger ponies in its pictures. He pointed one out specifically, of a unicorn colt just coming into adulthood. His coat was a light tan, with a forest green mane and brown eyes. What drew Starlit's gaze the most, however, was the plaque on the bottom of the frame.
Shady Grove
b. 829 C ~ d. 846 C
Starlit suppressed a cry of shock, both for the revelation but also for Cherry Jubilee. The thought of having to tell her what happened to her child was almost more than she could bear.
"That's not the worst part," Sun continued, pointing to the portrait itself. "Take a look at his cutie mark."
Even though she didn't want to, Starlit had to satiate her morbid curiosity. On closer inspection she saw that it was a tree with green leaves and a small fruit hanging off of one side.
"I don't get it, what's so special about his cutie mark?" Starlit asked.
"That's the same cutie mark I found on the thestral's corpse," Sun answered in a low whisper. "Definitely less mottled and brighter, but the same regardless."
"Heavens above..." Starlit breathed. "How do we tell Cherry Jubilee? She's going to be devestated!"
"What I'm curious about is how he escaped from here and how he turned into a thestral to begin with," Sun answered without answering. "You said it yourself, ponies only become thestrals if there's no magic around, and this city and the entire desert that surrounds it is constantly bombarded with it."
"And your parents were banished, they didn't escape," Starlit continued. "As far as we know, nopony's ever escaped from here."
"Hey, y'all mind clueing me in on what you're muttering about?" Applejack asked. "Or are we gonna get and go?"
"Right, sorry," Sun replied. "It's just that things may have gotten more complicated as far as exfiltration is concerned."
"And it won't get any less complicated if we just stand here," Starlit finished. Quickly she pulled her hood up and motioned for Sun and Applejack to get behind her as she opened the door and peeked around the corner.
The impact of cherry red hooves into the side of her face struck like lighting and crashed like thunder, sending Starlit flying down the hallway. She faintly heard Applejack scream something through her dulled ears as she slid down the marble floor, followed by a flash of green the set her senses out to pasture.
All that was left was the thumping of her amulet that grew steadily faster with the darkening of her vision.
* * *
Oh dang...I hope they can do something about Celestia. Although originally I had hoped they could get her to come to her senses and reunite with Twilight but Celestia has done some questionable things. Can't wait to see how the next chapter will go.
8470366
Believe you me, there's gonna be a lot that comes in the next chapter regarding Celestia's morality, but we'll just have to wait and see how it all shakes out in the end. There will be a chapter after the next one that serves as the denouement for this arc of the story, so all the lingering plot threads from this part will get wrapped up then while next chapter will be pretty much solely focused on Starlit and Celestia's confrontation.
8470382
Ahhh okay. Is it too much to ask when the next chapter will be out?
8470416
I'd say it'll be out when it's out, but that seems kinda trite. My release schedule has always been kinda sporadic, but since I have a map for how the end of this Part is gonna play out I'd say a week-and-a-half to two weeks (I'm still in college which takes up time and I'm planning on making the next chapter about 1.5 to 2 times as long as my regular chapters.)
*squees of delight
So amazing.
8472459
Thank you, you're too kind! If you thought some stuff came out in the wash in this chapter, just you wait until the next one! (Its gonna be, like, 9k words long )
8478671
I guess what I was getting at before was that by lifting canon you bring along every single bit canon the reader is aware of that they have to actively suppress, especially if you avoid differentiating them (and yes that includes stuff that was added to canon after this story was written). However, unless you use them solely as time-limited background scenery you've ultimately created a psuedo-OC that leans heavily on stereotypes. She isn't exactly ApplejackTM despite all the coincidental resemblances (e.g. 'earth pony living in a world gone to hell).
As is probably clear from my previous comment I think real OCs are better and create less reader dissonance imho.
If you hadn't guessed I can find something to criticize anywhere, but I see the above is just the beginning of a whole host of issues that stem from writing an Alt. Universe and just plopping in canon characters and locales while ignoring the reality that those locales and characters are not necessarily independent of Equestria Prime in a meaningful way. Is there a prequel to this? I think even a fairly short story set before this one would help frame out the world. If you wanted to it would even be better to write a story (short, long, a chapter or two, whatever) in a couple different windows of time throughout the eight centuries (800 years) Twilight refers to, perhaps ones that involve the Princesses and help to give the past some weight and explain the present. The same could be done to show a family lineage through time (might be especially meaningful in terms of grounding Starlit in a narrative), but using the Princesses means you have a nominally constant tie-in over time.
8478676
How many solitary centuries has she had again to break those habits or change? What is she living in a stasis bubble that goes live for a few years every century or so? Shouldn't she more than a static archetype?
8478679
#3
The thing about cutie marks presents an issue though, for me at least, since they would have every reason to be entirely different since they seem to be at least partially brought forth by circumstance. In particular the sonic rainboom's impact is critical and of course the cutesy tie in to the elements of Harmony. Twilight's magical surge was critical to hers, whereas as Applejack is really attached to her family/home/way of life and therefore Apple Farming, Pinkie has a cutie mark completely unrelated to rock farming (partying), Fluttershy's mark is totally connected to the butterflies saving her life (due to falling off a cloud, related to RBD racing a and showing her that there are interesting things below the clouds), and Rarity apparently got hers by going out looking for gems to decorate a dress for a school play (drawn to rock which was then shattered by sonic rainboom).
Remove the sonic rainboom from the picture and their cutie marks may have been completely different. Twilight might have entered Celestia's school but never been Celestia's "faithful student" (and eventually a Princess), Applejack might have learned to live in the city or gotten into industry/become a sailor, Pinkie may well have simply been good at finding ways to make people happy with rocks, Fluttershy might never have fallen off the clouds and possibly learned to fly much sooner, Rainbow Dash might have gotten a different weather related cutiemark and ended up making storm/rain clouds or working on Cloudsdale's weather. and Rarity might have stormed off believing that her magic was screwy still become a dressmaker and fashonista but without the same access to/affinity with gems.
What are the odds of getting a cutie mark like Applebloom does in the show in a far less friendly and lessnaive world where there are no Scootaloos or Sweetie Belles to grow up with?
8480690
That is actually quite the fair point, and I appreciate having a commenter like you that goes through my work with a fine-toothed comb. I'm not gonna get any better if everyone tells me how great I am, after all, so your critiquing has been a godsend.
As for the introduction of canon characters and locales, I would like to say that this is the first big adventure type story I've written since my disastrous first fic, and that was also populated by a lot of canon characters and took place semi-canonically to the show's universe. When I set out to make this story, I set out with the idea of making it an AU because I felt it would give me more creative freedom to take the parts of the canon I wanted to play around with and use them in ways that I feel would aid the narrative and the world-building. Think of it as the difference between trying to make a mod for a video game where you have to work within the game's code and structure for it to function, as opposed to being given a tub of LEGO or a blank Minecraft world to root around in with the parts and tools that they give you.
Even then, however, this is still very much a work-in-progress as far as I'm concerned, despite being twelve chapters into the thick of it by this point. I have a very improvisational style of writing that is prone to changing certain bits of characterization or even plot points if I feel it would make for a better story or help flesh out a particular point or character that I'm trying to give some more depth to. For instance, initially I never intended for Applejack to leave Appleoosa, but as I was writing it I felt that raising the stakes in that way would both provide a more concrete reason for Sun to come along (he's known Applejack all his life, after all) and it allowed me to add a nice maternal scene between Starlit and Apple Bloom so that her love for children (and her relationship with her daughter) weren't just left to me telling you that Starlit is this way.
I get where you're coming from about either making this completely AU with no ties to canon, or justifying the canon inclusions I use through the canon of the show and its timeline, but think of it in terms of (though I'm loathe to use the reference, it is apropos) how Rick and Morty handles its alternate realities; there's always going to be a Rick, a Morty, a Jerry and Beth and a Summer in nearly every universe they travel to, but the circumstances that those characters are put through, their life experiences, and their interpersonal relationships tend to be drastically different depending on the universe in which they reside. That's how I see Alicornae-Equestria versus Equestria Prime; I just took the box of LEGO and jumbled all the parts together to make something different out of recognizable components. Is it a little lazy? Probably, since I only had to create a few unique locales and two explicitly original characters. Is it a valid way to write AU fan fiction? Absolutely it is, and I'm not the first to do so nor will I be the last.
That being said, your idea about adding in scenes about life before the story, during the Dark Ages, and even during the Age of the Princesses is always a pressing concern to me. The main reason I didn't include a ton of that so far is because I wanted to focus on developing Sun and Starlit as characters as well as introducing the sort of flow that each Part is going to operate off of. I'll mix it up as is needed so that I'm not copy-pasting my own work, but this wasn't the Part to really do the deep dive on the true nature of everything yet. That's gonna come, you just need to be patient is all.
Thanks again for the commenting and the feedback, and I'm always here to talk about my work!
8478695
Having that tree/house, practically in the center of canon Ponyville be unrelated in this universe would displace the town/village's location considerably. Also why would Luna attack Twilight way out in the middle of nowhere? (or was that before the tree?) Also why does Appleloosa even exist since I was fairly sure the show implied (maybe I misremember?) that the Apples had started out in Ponyville and some of them had headed out to found Appleloosa. Ponyville should be well gone before your universe's Granny Smith ever existed and logically Appleloosa could be way more built up if the Apples have been there for 2-3 generations at least.
I'm rambling, but the story has felt kind of disjointed so far.
8480694
In canon, I've always found that Twilight's development tends to be catalyzed by outside forces; Celestia sending her to Ponyville is what opened her up to friendship as a concept, Pinkie's Pinkie Sense and the shenanigans that followed broke her out of her strict sense of logic and reason, the whole Lesson Zero thing ended with Celestia giving her a lesson about learning to cool off, etc. Riding with this idea, I feel that a Twilight that A) was still nursing old hurts from the war, and B) had very little contact with the outside world, wouldn't be as well adjusted as Twilight Prime since she didn't have a lot of friends and family around to catalyze parts of her character development.
8480715
As I mentioned, unless I say otherwise their canon cutie mark is in Alicornae. You bringing up the Pinkie Pie issue is actually perfect because I debated that with myself last night, and if/when she comes she's probably going to have a different cutie mark. I'm not saying it's impossible or that I'm not changing any canon cutie marks, but I won't necessarily change them if I don't have to, particularly because the cutie mark in the grand scheme of things isn't a giant factor of a character outside of their job or particular talent (Applejack is still and apple farmer here, so natch she'd still have an apple based cutie mark).
8480723
Firstly, this isn't the Golden Oak that was in the center of Ponyville; I never established that, but it would do better for me to have established where it actually is (maybe for a later chapter?)
But onto the bigger point, and the one you seem particularly stuck on, is that you seem to be missing the forest because of the trees. You're worried too much about little deviations from canon on a fic that has the AU tag on it, rather than suspending your disbelief for a while and trying to piece the story together as a whole separate from its source. Let me state it plainly; just because I'm incorporating canon elements into this story doesn't mean that I'm not aware of the implications that those canon elements have on my world. I just simply wanted to use them because this is an MLP fanfic, and with that comes certain expectations for things. If I was writing an original work and using things that are canon to this universe in my own created universe then you'd have a better argument here, but this is a fanfic and with that territory comes the expectation that I will use some things from the source material. There really is no greater meaning than that; I wanted to use a canon thing in my AU, and so I did.
Sorry if that sounded pointed or accusatory, but I just wanted to plainly and frankly explain why I use the canon elements that I do. I'm not trying to call you out here or anything, just lay my cards on the table so that you can understand the creative choices that I make a little bit better. You're a stellar dude and I glad for your feedback, but maybe step back every once in a while and enjoy the story for what it is
8480717
I don't watch Rick and Morty so any deeper parallels are likely to be lost on me. In any case the thing about an AU is more that, at leas the way I see it, there's potential for the same characters to exist rather than a requirement.
Going from there, the more of the prime universe you lift the more of the overall reality has to be the same. The existence of characters is ultimately contingent on the past events and previous ponies' choice. Would your story make sense without Canterlot or NMM or Cadence? What if Twilight had been an only child or her parents had no children. What if she was born to pegasi in cloudsdale rather than canterlot (depends on whether unicorn/alicorn and also whether the latter is a separate race that can breed, a rare occurrence, or requires a transformation). My usual complaints with AU authors include completely unjustified addition and removal of narrow sections for convenience or wholesale snipping past a certain point without good reasons for different results to occur from the same inputs, etc. The existence of major canon characters in their entirety without canon backstory for instance. In the case of Alicornae having Twilight and Shining Armor require their parents at minimum and possibly also a lineage. Having Flurry Heart would require Cadence and all of that as well. You can't just drop Twilight in as is, without stripping her down to a purple unicorn with high magic potential (i.e. no cutie mark and maybe not the same mane/tail patterns) and generally de-Twilight'ing her, unless you drop in those other contingents. The same goes for Applejack too except that the contingent includes Granny Smith and maybe others. In fact the founding of Ponyville ties into them canonically in such a way that removing Apples could well mean no Ponyville, albeit that a good spot for a town is still a good spot and 'Ponyville' is a very generic name. It would be the same without them though.
Valid ways to do something aren't necessarily the best ways to do something. It's valid to make a house out of solid steel 2x4s and 1/2" sheets of steel instead of wallboard. What a pain it would be, logically, to knock out a wall or put a pipe through that though.
8480739
I don't want to be too snobbish and I ramble a lot in comments on already written stories, but there's just some sticking points. Certainly I have my own pet peeves and sometimes have real trouble suspending disbelief with regard to AUs, but I believe there is a genuine difficulty that exists.
The problem is that what a lot of people seem to be doing (maybe even you) is more like cutting up an existing blanket and making a quilt with most of the original blanket plus a modest to large stock of new materials holding the old pieces together than it is a new creation inspired by the former. One question worth asking is, if I ripped out all of the canon details, how well would this hold together?
I think that, on a very brief pass of what I've read so far, Alicornae is better than any number of other efforts, but still feels a little patchy at this point. A solid well crafted story certainly doesn't pop out fully formed.
I would point out that stories like Starlight over Detrot, Through the Well of Pirene, and others (just using some of my favorites) are also fanfics but very much original stories in their own ways. The two are simply not distinct categories unless you are writing a completely original work that doesn't include MLP or ponies in any way shape or form except for maybe some basic character traits, etc. A story about Twilight and Shining Armor's childhood years that fits neatly between the lines of canon is much more of a fanfic than yours is to be sure.
As is always the case the author is free to do as they think best, but there may well be objective flaws in addition to the subjective ones.
8481958
This is where I fear we're going to have to agree to disagree. Where you see a cut-up blanket turned into a quilt, I see my tub of LEGO, and both points of view are equally valid and equally right. I think the biggest issue that we're both having here is that the story isn't finished yet, which means that some things that appear to be just me taking canon elements and slapping them into my AU actually do hold deeper meaning to the overall work, but we simply haven't gotten there yet.
I respect your right to hold your opinion of my work and how I write, and I thank you wholeheartedly for your criticism, but this is simply how I write my story. I'll definitely take your critiques to heart, but at the end of the day this is still my story to write. I'm trying to make the best story that I know how to make (and this is still a learning experience for me), and with that comes the reality that I'm not gonna be able to please everyone. It makes me happy to know that, in your opinion, Alicornae is one of the better crafted AUs you've read (I don't read a ton of fan fiction, so I have little basis for comparison), so I do hope you continue reading my story as more and more of the background gets revealed over time. If you want to get off here then I'm not going to stop you but just know that this story is still a work in progress, and that I will get this to all fit together in the end. Patchy parts are sort of an inevitability when adapting canon to a new set of circumstances like this, but that's why I've got people like you to help steer me in the right direction.
Its*
Hmm... Judging from that flash of orange in Celestia's eyes in the last chapter, I wonder if Daybreaker is slowly manipulating her in the shadows of her mind....
Missing quotation mark.
Remembered.
Pretty sure this should be "cluing." Correct me if I'm wrong.
I detect vibes of Skylark...
(For those who haven't read that, it has a sad ending, much like too many other books today, but in essence, the city she lives in survives by extracting the magic of its residents for power. There's some extra details like the idea that some people can regenerate their magic once it's gone, but I think the main idea might have some food for thought.)