Part I - Chapter 1: Strange Occurrences
Alicornae: The Legend of Starlit Sky
Part I - Chapter 1: Strange Occurrences
* * *
"It is said that in ages past, when ponies gathered in great cities and the land was rich with life, there existed five great Princesses. They had each been bestowed with a great gift, and used these talents to bless their subjects and rule over the land fairly and kindly.
Twilight the Wise, Mother of all Magic, was gifted with great magical abilities that she used to perform wondrous feats for her subjects. These skills were given to her by an ancient and wise dragon with scales a lustrous purple and verdant green, and as repayment for the dragon's generosity she granted the unicorns the gifts of spells and sorceries through education at her Grand Library.
Celestia the Bright, Regent of Light, was gifted with the strength to move the very sun itself. This was a power given to her by the ancient magic of the Solar Plains, where she built her grand castle of Sunspire. Her illumination gave the land the energy to flourish, and she gave the gifts of strength and connection to nature to the earth ponies.
Luna the Dark, Regent of Night, had the grace and elegance to dance the moon across the heavens. She was bestowed this power by the ancient and secretive race of bat ponies who had done so for eons, and they continued to serve her at her grand mansion in the city of Selene. Her lunar essence brought peace and comfort in even the darkest of times, and she gave the gifts of flight and control of the skies to the pegasi.
Cadance the Beloved, Empress of the Heart, was gifted with the kindest heart and gentlest soul of all. She and her beloved husband Shining Armor used their own love for each other to warm and enrich their lands, allowing their Crystal Empire to be a beacon of hope and light even in the frozen north. She felt the struggles of the ponies in the land, and so gave them all the gifts of love and mercy so that they might make their own lives warmer as Shining Armor had made hers.
Chrysalis the Dreamwalker, Wayfarer of the Dead, had a great command over the very essence of life and could feel its ebb and flow from her Great Hive in the Glowing Moors. Nopony truly knows where she gained this connection to life, but it was this connection that allowed her to grant ponies calm and peace at the end of their lives. She would then use her Changeling children to ensure that their souls be taken to their eternal reward.
Together the Five Princesses came together and joined their disparate kingdoms, forming a single unified Equestria. With their powers and their kindness they ruled together from a single spot, the grand castle-city of Canterlot. Built up an entire side of the Equus Mountain, the city could house all the ponies of the kingdom, giving them free reign of the prosperity and excess that the Princesses could provide.
But it was not to last
Nopony knows who cast the first stone, but the effects would be felt the world over. War broke out between the Princesses the likes of which Equestria had never seen before and has never seen since. When the dust finally settled and the eerie silence of peace born from conflict blanketed the ravaged country, the Five Princesses of Canterlot had vanished as if in a whirlwind. Their like would never be seen again, and their age of harmony and prosperity would come to an end. Now it is the age of the common ponies, who toil the lands and survive by the sheer force of their will. They have no need for their Princesses, as they have certainly not had need of their subjects for some time.
But the common pony will persevere, for such is our fate."
* * *
"I don't understand why you like this story so much, Eclipse," Starlit Sky said. "It has a rather depressing ending, wouldn't you say?"
"Maybe it does," White Eclipse replied, "but it does have a happy beginning. I just love thinking about what the ponies that lived during the time of the Princesses were like. All of them so regal and happy with the Princesses there to guide them."
"Well, if it makes you happy, then it makes me happy too," Starlit said with a warm smile. Softly she kissed her child on the head and pulled her blanket up to her chin
"Thanks for reading it to me, Mommy," Eclipse said. Slowly she yawned wide and let her teal eyes fall shut. Soon enough her chest started to rise and fall in the steady breathing of a child asleep, and Starlit Sky left the room and shut the door with a quiet click.
"Reading the Legend of the Lost Princesses again, are we?" asked Stalwart Warden, her husband.
"Mm-hm, every night just like clockwork. It's the only thing that gets her to sleep these days."
"Well as long as it works then it can't be that bad," Warden said as the pair went downstairs. "Anything to get her in bed. That's quite the rambunctious little filly we have."
"How would you know?" Starlit sniped back. "You're always off on patrol when I'm at home with her."
She gave him a playful wink, but Stalwart's gaze was fixed on the far wall. He was staring at a small picture White Eclipse had drawn with a pensive look in his eye.
"What's wrong?" Starlit asked as she beckoned him towards the hearth. "You seem... distraught."
"I just worry," Stalwart answered as he sat down beside his wife and put his head on his forelegs. "There's so much to worry about in this world we live in. Where our next meal will come from, how we'll prepare our daughter for the rigors of the outside world once she gets old enough to want to explore it, what we'll do when she is fully grown and gone; So many things to worry over, and too little time to prepare."
"Don't worry, Warden. Eclipse is a bright filly with an infectious cheer, something so desperately lacking in this place. When the time comes for her to make her way in the world, she'll persevere."
"I hope you're right, for all our sakes. I've seen firsthoof the things that fill this land, and it doesn't give me a lot of confidence. Horrible beasts that roam the countryside with only a set of warding lines to keep them out, ponies just on the verge of losing themselves to hopelessness and insanity or already too far gone to be reasoned with..."
"Well, do you want to know what I see?" Starlit asked.
"Can't be much better than what I do," Stalwart answered.
"I see a father who risks his life every day to ensure that we stay safe and happy. I see a daughter who is full of life and joy despite everything that she has to be responsible for even at her tender age. And I see a fireplace filled with warmth, a reminder that we aren't entirely without hope."
"How is it that you always know exactly what to say to make me feel better?" Stalwart asked.
"Call it a wife's intuition," she answered, laying her chin on top of her husband's head.
The two shared a long tender embrace as they sat together in front of their meager fire, trying to make this fleeting moment of love and kindness last as long as they could.
"I have to be off, Stalwart," Starlit said as she glanced out at the night sky. "Somepony has to take the watch on the warding lines tonight, after all."
"Indeed they must," he answered. Quickly they rubbed their horns together before she put on her warm coat and left the house. She lit up a small oil lantern as she walked down the path through the garden, both for its meager light and as a source of heat against the bitter cold that night could bring.
Their small plot of land wasn't much to look at, but it served their needs all the same. In dusty soil that had nearly been sucked dry of its nutrients sat a few rows of carrots and potatoes, as well as a few heads of lettuce. Beyond the small trail leading to their home was set of faint white glyphs that encircled the property. These warding lines were all that protected them against the fell beasts that roamed the night, and Starlit and Stalwart took turns each night recharging them with their magic.
A lustrous blue light bounced off of Starlit's dusky indigo horn and into the lines as she muttered an incantation under her breath to feed them. The age of wordless magic had left them with the Mother of Magic, or so it was said, and the unicorns of the land had to compensate somehow.
Slowly the energy drained out of her until she could give no more, and the lines radiated with a wondrous white glow from her efforts. Pleased with herself, Starlit set herself up in the small shack that lay just inside the lines and took up her shift for the watch.
Most nights were quite dull, and this night was proving to be no different. Slowly the hours ticked on, the moon moving across the sky in sharp juttering motions as it had for as long as she had lived, and nothing stirred in the night. Starlit Sky let her eyes sag, and before she knew it sleep had taken her.
"It is a nice night to sleep among the stars, isn't it?" a voice queried, one just behind Starlit.
With a yelp of terror Starlit jumped to her hooves and readied the one offensive spell she knew. Its blue light illuminated the intruder, but much to her chagrin whoever had trespassed across the lines was obscured by a dark and rough-worn cloak.
"What do you want, stranger?" Starlit demanded. "If it's food you want then I'd be happy to send you on your way with some carrots, but thievery is not something I can abide."
The stranger let out a peal of laughter, a hollow sound that held nothing but the faint memory of joy. The stranger sounded female, and her apparent size would seem to confirm this fact.
"Ma'am, if I wanted to rob you, then you wouldn't have been roused from your slumber. The question you should be asking is how I managed to cross your warding lines."
"It doesn't matter to me," Starlit shot back. "Go back to wherever it is you came from, stranger, unless you want me to force you."
"That was a lovely story you read your daughter tonight, Starlit Sky," the stranger answered, seemingly unconcerned with Starlit's threat. "A happy tale with a bittersweet ending, one meant to rouse the common pony into action in the absence of their Princesses. I can see why young Eclipse loves it so."
Now Starlit's attention was piqued. However this mare had made it across her warding lines and however she had learned who she and her family were, Starlit was going to find out.
"Who are you, stranger," she asked, "and how do you know about my family?"
"Perhaps if you quit threatening me with that paltry magic of yours I'd be more inclined to tell you."
Hint taken, Starlit lowered her horn and let the magic dissipate from around it. She certainly felt more vulnerable, but she had the nagging feeling that if this mare wanted harm to befall her, it was going to whether or not she fought back.
"There, isn't that better?" the stranger asked, head cocked playfully to the side.
"For you perhaps," Starlit spat back. "Now, who are you and what do you want with me?"
"Who I am is of no concern to you," she replied, "and what I want is for somepony else to understand what I've suffered through. The knowledge I bear is a terrible burden, one that I am sick of shouldering alone."
"She's probably just some wandering street magician, looking for a few coins and with enough magic to cross a ward to get to them," Starlit thought as she rolled her eyes.
"If you wish to insult my intelligence then please do so verbally," the stranger remarked. "And no, I am not some 'wandering street magician' looking for a handout of money that I know you cannot spare."
"Then who or what are you?!" Starlit asked. She could feel her heartbeat jumping up by a few beats; never before had she encountered a pony that could read minds, and the notion wasn't one she wanted to ponder on for long.
"Just a pony who remembers happier times. Times when the sun didn't scorch the land and the moon didn't drag across the sky like a pony with broken knees, when love flowed freely in the hearts of ponies and death was kind and peaceful, and when unicorns didn't have to speak tongues to work their magic. Here, take this," she added as she offered something in her cloth-wrapped hoof.
It seemed to be some form of dancing light, white in the edges and growing a dull grey at the center. It bounced merrily around the stranger's hoof, and something about its innocence intrigued Starlit. Acting against her better judgement, she took the sprite into her hoof and drew it close to her eyes so she could get a better look.
The light then leapt out of her hoof, and Starlit was too slow to catch it again. It traveled down her horn and into her mind, enrapturing it with flashing lights and colors, all discordant and without real form. Try though she might, Starlit could feel her head swimming, and she felt her body land on the cold floor of the guard shack.
When her vision cleared, all she could hear were shouts of terror, and all she could see was fire and arrows raining from the heavens to lay waste to the innocent below. Masonry fell from the ramparts of the castle walls that she was sealed in, threatening to flatten her unless she sought out shelter. She quickly scrambled to her hooves just as a chunk of the wall slammed into where she had been laying, and she ran for the nearest door.
Swiftly Starlit navigated through this nightmare world, desperate for some release from it or at the very least an explanation for what that blasted sprite had done to her mind. The sounds of battle both magical and mundane made a cacophony of noise as she ascended a narrow spiral staircase up one of the castle's towers. The door leading to the ramparts had already been blown off of its hinges, and ponies in ornate armor were running back and forth to repel the invaders scaling the wall. They seemed completely oblivious of Starlit's sudden presence, but she could hardly be bothered with that. What had drawn her full attention was the battle taking place far off in the distance, set against the blood-red sky and a monumental solar eclipse.
There in the sky, as if they had torn themselves from the pages of White Eclipse's story book, the Five Princesses fought. They hurled magic at each other with great ferocity even as they used blades mounted to their armor to tear at each other's flesh. Despite their distance from her Starlit could see the hate and anger painted on all of their faces, the primal rage that drives ponies to madness.
Starlit Sky could barely stand as she watched the carnage and mayhem unfold, but even as she grasped the magnitude of it a series of colors and lights flashed across her vision. She could feel the magic of that sprite pulling her out of the memory, but not before showing her four locations. Each of them were unique, but they also carried with them the same sense of dread and loss.
The first vision was of a great holdfast of white alabaster stone, the sun piercing the heavens and searing the lands below it. The second, a solemn keep of deepest blue, illuminated by black fire and the light of a steady moon. Thirdly was a walled city encased in ice and snow, with a great beacon of light reaching from its center to the heavens. Finally, a mired swampland leading to a towering chitinous structure glowing a sickly green.
The memories ended almost as quickly as they begun, and Starlit relished the feeling of cool, rough wood against her cheek. She had barely started to rise when the stranger beckoned her.
"Follow me," she said, "and make haste. There is still quite a lot you have yet to know, much less understand."
Before Starlit could give a response the stranger was off, marching confidently back over the warding lines as if they didn't exist. She was headed in the direction of the great forest that lay a few miles off from their village. It was a place of decay and fear to the common ponies, but Starlit was now more sure than ever that this pony was no commoner. With a last glance back at her home she followed, unsure of if she was making the right decision.
* * *
The trek through the forest was thus far made in silence, which Starlit was grateful for; her mind had a lot to process, and unecessary chatter wouldn't help with the processing.
The story of the Lost Princesses had been told and retold for as long as she could remember, and for equally as long she thought that it was just that; a story, and nothing more. But the visions swirling around in her head, and the clarity of it all, were making her doubt the validity of such skepticism.
"How can any of this be true? It's just an old filly's story, and nothing more," Starlit mused to herself. "No power like that could possibly exist, and even if it did it had certainly vanished from the world ages ago!"
"You're troubled, aren't you, Starlit Sky?" the stranger asked, breaking the tension.
"That would be putting it mildly," Starlit answered as she suppressed a shudder. Her new 'friend's' implicit telepathy was starting to grate on her nerves.
"You're worried for your family, and your own safety, aren't you?"
"Seeing as you are some form of mind-reader, why don't you tell me?" Starlit groused.
"Starlit, though I may have the acumen for telepathic magic, I am not reading your mind," the stranger replied. "I only did so earlier to get you to comply; I have a bit of a compunction against invading the privacy of other ponies' thoughts unless absolutely necessary, especially those of a mare with whom I have a very tenuous relationship."
"Then how did you know I was worried, hmm?"
"I've had a lot of practice at reading emotions and personalities, and you are about as easy to read as an open book written in bold, red ink," the stranger answered with a small chuckle.
"Then why don't you give me an excerpt?" Starlit asked as she sidestepped a large root in the path. This mare was going to start giving her some answers, even if she had to trick her into it.
"Firstly, I'd say you're a mare who has had a hard upbringing," the stranger replied as she cleared some branches with her magic. "Not that hard to guess, given the state of the world, but you're different than the listless, hollow ponies that roam around lacking purpose; you didn't let this world break you. You simply stared it in the face and dared it to blink first."
"That almost sounded like a compliment," Starlit interjected, a single eyebrow cocked.
"Take it however you will, I'm just stating my opinions, which you also have in abundance; a thought on everything you know of, and busy forming thoughts for the things you don't. You show a spark of brilliance that I haven't seen in quite a long time, one that was forged by an inquisitive mind and tempered with worldly experience."
"Alright, now you're trying to make me blush," Starlit said. She wouldn't give the stranger the satisfaction of knowing she was succeeding.
"Thirdly," the stranger continued as the path they were on started to widen, "you have a singular devotion to your family. You work as hard as you can to provide for your daughter alongside your husband, and your precious filly is your reason for existing. Were it not for White Eclipse, you would have joined the listless masses a long time ago."
"I would thank you not to discuss my daughter," Starlit interjected. "Whatever you've brought me out here to do concerns me, not her."
"I'm sorry, did I touch a nerve? If so, I do apologize for that."
"You did, and I thank you for your consideration," Starlit answered with a curt snort.
The journey through the forest went back to sullen, uncomfortable silence, punctuated every now and then by an owl hooting or a sudden shift in the shadows as the moon lurched across the sky. The trail continued to widen out, and a few yards ahead the trees opened up into a clearing.
The stranger passed through the tree line, but as Starlit made to do the same her snout bumped into a barrier that shimmered with the impact.
"Oh, goodness, my apologies," the stranger said. "I so rarely have visitors that I forgot to lower my own wards. I'm sure you understand the need for prudence, what with my living in a 'haunted' forest and all."
A quick flick from the stranger's horn caused the ward, now a translucent silver color, to part just wide enough for Starlit to pass through it. Carefully she stepped over the threshold, trying her level best to keep her jaw from dropping as she did so. While the clearing had appeared barren when seeing it from the tree line, passing over the ward showed her what actually stood there.
A massive oak tree, tall enough and wide enough to comfortably fit her cottage five times over, loomed over her. There were windows cut straight into the tree, and from the outside she could tell that the interior was hollowed out to make for ample living space. Up higher there was a balcony where some sort of device stood on a tripod, and in front of her was a rich red door made from the same wood as the tree itself being illuminated by lantern.
"Starlit Sky, welcome to the Golden Oak," the stranger said with the sort of smugness that only comes from great achievement.
"Did you make all of this?" Starlit asked, eyes still flitting over every inch of the gargantuan tree.
"Indeed I did, and it was the last great work I made before the end of the Age of the Princesses. I knew that their time was going to one day come to an end and this world would start to fall apart at the seams, so I grew this great haven from a single acorn to serve as my bastion against the darkness."
"Your bastion?" Starlit cut in. "With this kind of power you could do so much for the common ponies of Equestria! Why do you stay holed up in here when you could be out there doing so much good with this power!?"
"Because my magic has been waning over these many long years, and I'm no longer the spell weaver I once was," the stranger replied with her head bowed. "The sorceries that I could do in ages past would've made you weep with awe, but now I only have enough left in me to maintain my wards and keep this place alive and verdant. I'm no better now than a meager street magician."
Starlit could feel a knot form in her stomach, and she wished she hadn't been so harsh with her speech. This pony's words carried with them a great sadness, but it was an impotent sadness; it had no real weight or investment, just the empty memories of how things used to be and the knowledge that they could never be that way again.
"...I'm sorry, I didn't know. If you don't mind my asking," Starlit continued, walking toward her companion, "but who are you? You speak of things nopony in living memory has seen as if you were there yesterday, your magical skill is leagues beyond anything I've seen any unicorn do, and whatever that vision you showed me was would not be something any old sorceress would have access to. You are somepony special, that much is certain."
"Maybe I was somepony special, but that time has long since passed. Still," the stranger continued, "I suppose I owe you this much for dragging you all the way out here and taking you away from your family and responsibilities."
Softly she walked over to the door so that her cloak was illuminated in the lantern light, her hood casting an impenetrable darkness across her face. She set her horn aglow with a rich magenta magic and used it to pull her hood down. Her face was youthful, a vivid purple, with a neatly pulled-back, midnight-blue mane with a streak of magenta and a streak of violet. What Starlit noticed the most, however, were her eyes; her eyes were a deep violet, and they were the eyes of a mare far more experienced than the face they were set in.
"My name is Twilight Sparkle," she said with head held high, "the Wise Princess of Equestria and the Mother of Magic."
* * *
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Interesting. Chrysalis was a Princess? Why no AU tag? Either way, it's going on the Read It Later list. Looks cool.
7273692
Good point on the AU tag thing. I don't normally write AU stuff, so this is new water for me. Thanks for the tip!
7273727 No problem! So excited to be following what is sure to be an epic journey from the beginning!
That reveal! THAT REVEAL!
Dude, get this going faster. FAVED, BOOKMARKED.
7274736
WOO! Thanks for the comment, glad to know that reveal worked for someone! I was agonizing over how to make that work and not feel trite or rushed, so thanks for the validation!
That... was... awesome...
I have no words.
7287506
And that's the reaction I was hoping for! Thanks for the comment
7287571
You've certainly earned it!
This looks very good and promising.
But why isn't there Twilight's tag among the others?
7296329
Didn't want to spoil her involvement so early, plus I ran out of tags to use (they only let ya use FIVE character tags, can you believe that?
) and I wanted to let people know this has OCs in it.
Thanks for the comment, by the way, glad to see you enjoyed it!
Nice start, can't wait to read more. Also, Eeeeeeeeeeeee, Princess Chryssie!
7296854
Glad to hear you like it, and Princess Chrysalis was actually just a way to even out the roster of "bosses" from an odd three to a nice even four.
7297283
"Bosses"? What do you mean by that?
Does that mean Starlit and her new friend will have to fight them before they join the group or something?
If the part of the tale where the princesses fight one another is true, that is?
7298069
Think of it more like progressing through a Dark Souls game. You'll notice that I put a "Part I" before the chapter number here; each Part is going to focus on one geographic area and one Princess, who will serve as the "boss" of that area that needs to be dealt with a brought back to Canterlot.
I would say more, but that'd be treading into spoiler territory
Also, that vision at the beginning was the distant past and did really happen; Starlit saw it as a way to give her context on the truth of what happened to the Princesses.
This definitely requires an AU tag, given that backstory of Equestria must be altogether different for the basic outline given to be anything other than muddled details about the past. I hope you'll get around to revealing some of that, because otherwise Twilight and Cadence's mere presence is a little odd. Chrsyalis seems like a far out there choice, but here's hoping you manage a sensible reason for her to be ruling over/with ponies. Also, so far the story seems kind of exposition heavy which is kinda dull reading.
7298225
Not sure how I feel about making the princesses enemies/opponents of the protagonist. If their conflict was the cause of this mess, it's hard to see why you want them back and I assume they are actual ponies so they aren't really obligated to return or do anything.
7298277
I actually going to go more in-depth on this next chapter, but long story short is that the country is on the brink of collapse without them. It's not so much that they're wanted back (as the story at the beginning would show, the common ponies of Equestria have done just fine without them for a long time, even if it's been a hard time going), but they're needed back or else everything's going to come apart at the seams.
7297283 oh, I see. Still, I can't wait to see her in this story, she's my favourite mlp character.
7298473
Same here dude, and if you're really chomping at the bit for her then maybe get to the end of the chapter, huh?
7298225
Np, no spoilers. But then we can still guess the moment they meet each princess isn't going to be a tea party.
I really enjoyed reading this exposition first chapter and am eager for more!
7298297
I would argue that if they're needed back, then things haven't 'gone just fine' even if the individual ponies aren't especially bothered. At least not from a wider perspective. Unless you're only talking about cosmic changes, ponies must surely be beginning to realize some of the real consequences of the lack of a strong government to maintain order and provide protection.
As to the above, the setup is a bit so- so in my opinion, because so far it feels like an action Twilight initiated for her own reasons rather than ponies realizing something needed to be done and seeking out their former rulers.
7299251
Friend, you are actually more correct than you know, but to say anything further would spoil the entire plot.
Also, I was referring to more cosmic/world-altering changes; remember how I made mention of the moon juttering through the sky and the sun being insanely bright in certain parts of the country? These are all after-effects of the Princesses leaving, and while they've been going on for a long time it's only now that it's hitting the critical point where everything's starting to come apart. The societal stuff the ponies have just learned to deal with in whatever way they can, since the loss of the Princesses kind of soured the early commoners opinions on having such a centralized power structure.
7299229
Yeah, let's just say that they aren't going to go quietly, for whatever reason they have. Also, thanks for the compliment; I worked on this chapter alone for about a month-and-a-half trying to get all the set-up just right, so I'm glad to know that it paid off!
This was a little disappointing. Not gonna waste time explaining why. Other people like it, so I'm sure this is just a me problem.
7299275
Please don't pay attention to comments who judge your full story right out of the first chapter. Especially if they don't bother telling why they don't like it.
7300191
Hey, no sweat dude, it's only the first chapter and most of it was exposition. Feel free to come back when I get more of it going, but until then your opinion is yours.
7300235
As long as it isn't death threats then I'm fine; it'll take more than one bad comment to get me in a tizzy.
I don't know about the lengths of time involved here... it seems the legends are awfully specific for ponies who vanished EONS ago... meaning one would have to contend with, at the very least, multiple millennia (or longer) of cultural drift.
7301009
That is actually a good point... I may do some re-writing to clarify that, although as far as the timeline is concerned it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things since it can basically be boiled down to "they disappeared so long ago that most ponies either don't remember that they existed or treat their existence as legend." It's sort of like the situation regarding belief in the White Walkers/Children of the Forest in Game of Thrones, so that might give you a more accurate timescale (~ 8,000 years)
As for the cultural drift, the culture in general has stagnated ever since they left (the most accurate term for it would be Medieval Stasis). As such, these stories tend to persist simply because no new ones are being made; not a lot of time for the arts when you've got to contend with subsistence farming and monster attacks on a fairly regular basis.
7301043
Having an intentional time frame is good for consistency in my opinion. Still you have a point, exact dates aren't necessary, although somepony might have an idea.
Given that canon ponies had almost entirely forgotten about Nightmare Moon and apparently had no clue about Luna, 1000 years is probably plenty. Frankly, I think that a couple centuries might suffice here. A few generations (3-4?) removed from those who had actually seen Celestia and the others as well as the way things used to be is probably enough for some serious doubt and substantial change. Make it too long and there's likely little reason for them to remember the stories since they offer small hope at best and no concrete information. If it were me, I'd probably make it a nice round figure of 300+ years. I think that's plenty of time for serious decline and societal change without forgetting everything from the past. More than 1000 seems like a stretch.
7302876
Yeah, I think I'll ballpark it at around 700-800 years, since 1000 is a tad cliche at this point and anything less than that seems too short of a timeframe (the Renaissance and the Civil War were only separated by about 300 years in our world, but seem like completely divorced time periods when you look back on it.)
7300235 I did say it was a me problem. If you must know, I was disappointed with the Future-AU setting for the story right off the bat. It just means all OC's, and I already don't like Starlit. Why don't I like the OC's even though I haven't read them? That one I can't explain to you, it's just the way it is. I'll keep reading, I never said I wouldn't. I have faith in
7300849 as an author, and I don't doubt they will create a really good story with a good world and good OC's, despite my misgivings.
Sorry if my comment came off as being rude or just plain offensive. I actually meant to send PortalJumper a message directly explaining what I didn't like, but I guess I forgot until now. Oh well, no use doing it now!
7305152
It doesn't necessarily mean all OCs, it's just that they're the ones carrying most of the plot. I never said anything about canon characters not getting in here; after all, I just set up the fact that the Princesses and Chrysalis all exist in this story, so who's to say more canon characters can't get in?
That being said, thanks for being cool about this and giving future chapters a chance. This is the first big adventure story I've written since my first fic (which was disastrous) and I've learned a lot about how to structure a narrative like that since then. And frankly, all you guys in the comments sections giving me critiques and little things that you think could work better are all well appreciated and will be taken into account as I keep writing.
Also, if I could pry, what exactly don't you like about Starlit? Just for curiosity's sake and so I can tweak her personality some.
7305259 Well, thank you for accepting my critiques!
As far as Starlit goes, it's just something about the way she acted in the beginning when the stranger appeared to her. I don't know if this was the intention, but her reaction made it seem as though the appearance was routine, which implies that she has had strange characters appear in her home before. There was no response to the mind-reading besides "how did you know that?" Perhaps she could have experienced a sort of surreal feeling, or a coolness around her head, something that makes her view of the stranger more dynamic.
Past that, she was rather interesting. I just think I'm naturally averse to OC's because so few know how to write them well, but I promise I will see past the stigma and read with an open-mind!
EDIT: Also, I know that at least 5 canon characters will be in the story. I'd compare it to Airstream's Stormsinger and Courts of the Magi on fimfiction. They are set in the future, slightly AU now that it's pretty far off current canon, and is carried mainly by OC's. The story is good because it makes sense with the two prequels, which are carried mainly by canon characters, as background. Like I said, a lot OC's at the beginning is scary in any fan fiction. But I think this will be good, regardless! Happy writing, author!
7306293
You know, that is actually a very good point. I'll go back and change that, 'cause now that you mention it that particular scene did sound kinda wooden for a pony that doesn't deal with this sort of magic on a regular basis. As for getting robbed, I'd say that that is a pretty commonplace occurrence in this part of the country (thus the need to guard the warding lines at night), but I'll go back and clarify that.
I know how you feel about stories heavy with OCs, as well. I don't read much FanFiction, and that is mostly because ones with canon characters tend to get them out-of-character for the sake of the plot, and the ones with OCs try too hard to make them interesting on the surface without adding any real depth to them (the Mary-Sue problem is often attributed to this). There's something to be said for new authors trying to get into the scene and writing what they like, but after a time there needs to be some growth. That's why I constantly check my characterization on canon characters and plan out my OCs characters first and foremost, before even designing their appearance, because I want what they look like and how they act to suit who they are as a character, not the other way 'round. This is a lesson I had to learn the hard way with my disastrous first fic, but failure is probably the best teacher there is.
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Welcome to rapid technological change, I suppose.
7305259
The time window necessarily limits the number of canon characters drastically without a lot of work on setup or a deus ex machina to make them live longer than a hundred years. You could bring them in with flashbacks to a degree and maybe find a magic related reason for a couple more, but there's no way any of the mane six, cmc, or ponyville residents are still around at this point.
Just to add my two cents, Starlit seems a little bit flat (simplistic?) as a character and perhaps dragged along over much by invisible strings. One moment she's all lovey-dovey with her husband and thinking about their filly and the uncertainty the future holds. The next thing we now she's talking to a stranger, being hit by strange magic, then abandoning the warding lines and waltzing off after the stranger without a second thought and implicitly trusting her. These actions seem incongruous and also make her seem flighty and impulsive and perhaps not worth trusting with your safety. This is especially the case because of the implied backstory where the world is no longer a safe and orderly place. Her behavior is a little more consistent with canon Equestria where everything is safe and harmonious and the biggest problems are worrying about your child's future and if you might get fired from your job. It's not really in line with a world where you employ the most magic you can pull together and pray that something dangerous doesn't discover a taste for pony meat.
To elaborate, part of the problem is that, in my opinion, this chapter is trying to do too much at once. You're trying to set the stage for the story, introduce a handful of characters, show us some of the past and jump into action (an arc?) all at once. It would be completely valid here to infer that Starlit may never see her family again given the way it rushes past the setup. If I were you I'd consider backing off just a little bit, taking it a little slower, and either moving the encounter with Twilight into a second or third chapter or making her take a longer term approach to getting Starlit's attention/trust. I wouldn't trust someone at all who hit me with me with strange magic from their horn without even asking if that was okay (especially in a low magic world where unicorn horns don't work properly) and I certainly wouldn't follow them into the woods and away from safety without being compelled somehow. Maybe she believes and trusts in the 'Princesses' more than she makes out, but the introduction makes her seem like a skeptic.
P.S.
What they look like is a fact of life, so to speak, and doesn't need to wait for other stuff. Unless you mean race and sex which do have an impact. A pegasus and a unicorn are going to be somewhat different. Unless you're designing a genealogy or wanting a unique hair coloration then whether they are blue/green/red/purple doesn't really matter. Also, in real life our physical limitations affect in some ways how we turn out as people.
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Considering that this is an AU, the canon characters that I plan on including are going to come from different circumstances and have different roles and relationships. This isn't an "Equestria-but-in-the-future" scenario, it's a "familiar-names-and-places-but-in-a-completely-different-context" scenario. Stuff like Chrysalis being a Princess and locations like the Solar Plains and the Glowing Marshes are all ways that I'm differentiating the Alicornae Equestria from the show Equestria.
I think this line of thinking comes from this being the first chapter, and with that comes with the need for a lot of exposition and character development off the bat combined with a proper hook to draw the reader in. Future chapters are going to cement her personality more and give her that drive that a main character needs. That being said, her role in the story does come down to essentially being controlled by forces beyond her ken, but then breaking out of that control to do what has to be done for the country. I've made a few comparisons to Dark Souls, and Starlit's role is much like that of the Chosen Undead/Bearer of the Curse/Ashen One; she's a pawn in a much larger game, but has her own intrinsic motivation for following through on the journey that's being thrust upon her. This is something I'm going to elaborate on later.
See the second response, but I'll concede that I might need to work on my pacing for upcoming chapters. I came upon the idea for this story after listening to a seriously amazing set of music (the Alicornae EP by Jyc Row, for those curious), and I guess the fervid nature of my writing caused the pacing and structure to slip a bit. This first chapter was trying to do a lot, but the set-up here is going to be paid off slowly over the course of the story so that I can get enough content out of what I have before shifting gears to the second act twist and third act.
Not quite sure what this is in reference to, but genealogy isn't a big thing here. The pony types, however, do have some issues related to the loss of magic when the Princesses left, which is something I'll go into later.
Hope this cleared some things up for you! I love being able to discuss and debate my works with others because it helps me cement what I want my story to be by seeing the ideas and theories others come up with. So, in a way, you guys are helping me write this, and I couldn't be more thankful for your help!
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I see. If it's going to be an AU then you should carefully consider how changes in Equestrian history might affect the family history of the canon characters and even whether or not they exist in the first place. You might even change the names, relationships of the characters or even remove a few completely. Also, I would recommend trying to show something of the difference either shortly before or after the character's introduction to remind the reader that things are not the same. Otherwise, whenever 'Princess Twilight' or something of that sort shows up, a whole bundle of assumptions is likely to come with.
With regard to the first chapter I don't really agree entirely with that perspective. In my opinion, exposition ought generally to be limited and subject to the 'show not tell' rule in most cases. I also think it's possible to introduce the character and establish some things about them and have a hook without too much direct exposition., although I have only a little personal experience with writing such.
The last bit there was just my comments on your character creation notion and how I felt that the way the character looked physically (as far as coloration and size) didn't necessarily need to wait until you'd decided on a bunch of other details. My point was that, the way I see it, who you are as a person doesn't have a whole lot to do with your appearance beyond obvious limitation (only pegasi can fly and only unicorns can do magic -- or at least that would generally be true in mlp fanfic). With regard to genealogy I just meant that, logically, a filly or foal of two ponies X and Y is likely to resemble them or a more distant ancestor. So if you had planned out an ancestry then the next pony in line probably shouldn't have an entirely new palette that shares nothing with the others at all. Similarly a unicorn pony with a long family history of earth ponies probably shouldn't be ridiculously powerful and talented unless there is an appropriate explanation.
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While I do generally agree with the Show, Don't Tell rule, I personally believe in Show And Tell. Think of it this way; what would be more infuriating for you? A story where everything is told to you, or one where everything is implied and there are no concrete facts to go off of? Both of these are aggravating in their own ways, and as such I try to balance out how much I Show vs. how much I Tell over the course of the story. I tend to frontload my works with the exposition as a way to set up the concrete facts of the world and how it works so that it can be established how everything fits together, and then spend the rest of the story building off of that initial exposition with occasional reminders of the varying rules while introducing scenarios and characters that imply more about the story and the world without stating it outright.
This might be what your problem with this first chapter is; you want it to be less direct with narrative exposition and world-building so that you can imagine for yourself certain aspects about it from the get-go rather than get a plot-dump right off the bat. I can respect that, I really can, but unfortunately that just isn't how I world-build in the beginning of a story. Also, as for the appearance thing, I tend to leave descriptions of appearance until absolutely necessary, and even then I try to find a way to weave it into the narrative naturally (such as how I mentioned Starlit and her husband rubbing horns before she went outside, thus establishing that they're unicorns without explicitly stating it). I've seen far too many stories that bog down the narrative with paragraphs of character and place description, and it always brings the pacing to a screeching halt.
As for differentiation, don't you fret my friend; there's going to be plenty that separates this world from the show's canon. As for assumptions made based how the characters interact in canon, I'm afraid that that is sort of on the reader; there's only so much I can do to make it clear that my version of Twilight (or Rarity or whoever) are from completely different circumstances while still staying mostly true to their canon characterization and character development. Any assumptions that are made about them based on their canon personalities are something that I can't really change.
ohplsgivememore
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Don't worry man, I'm working as fast as I can! I've got three stories to maintain, after all
Glad to see you like it!
I KNEW IT!
You had my curiosity, but now you have my attention....
8717549
It is an honor to have drawn the approval of one of the God-Emperor's Holy Angels of Death. Glory to your Chapter and the God-Emperor, Honored Be His Name.
Rereading this just to recap on what's happened so far!
You forgot one more:
Flurry Heart the Fluffy, Doomer of the Tantrums, the misleading destruction of cuteness and unpredictable by logic and reason.
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