• Member Since 21st May, 2015
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Short Stories


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Twilight wakes with no memory of what happened last night. Or what she and her friends went through during the past two years. Or her friends.

As Spike looks to try and find a solution, he finds the other girls are nowhere to be found. The only help he gets is from two of the three members of the CMC. As they draw closer to figuring out who could have possibly caused Twilight amnesia and reversing everything, a different threat draws closer and closer, waiting for the right time to strike.


Featured 6/4/16 :pinkiehappy:

Chapters (20)
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Comments ( 118 )

Oh boy... Hope Twilight doesn't get into too much trouble.

Maybe Spike should message Celestia...

Hey, this is pretty good! I'll be keeping an eye on it, eagerly awaiting more!

kul

I like where this is going, but please dont dumb down Spike, I believe in you!

Twilight....CALM YOUR TEATS MARE!!!:flutterrage:

RF2

This is most certainly not horrible. I like it. Whatever made you think that it's horrible?

Okay. Not trying to rub salt into a wound here, because that would be cruel. All I want is to give you a teensy little bit of constructive criticism, and it's as follows:

Starting your story with "Celestia's sun shone", or some generic variant of that phrase is almost enough to make myself, and probably many other readers, stop reading. That single phrase and it's variants are overused as first sentences/paragraphs to a fimfic, and do nothing to engage the reader once they've read those same lines in a thousand other fimfics.

Also, just a warning: Using ALL CAPS, or bold, or italics to emphasise a character expressing themselves or to make a general point in your story, can lessen the effect of what you're trying to convey if overused. You could instead consider stronger words to show the reader Twilight's shock/urgency/surprise if you wanted to. Perhaps she "shrieked" instead of yelled, or her voice cracked mid-sentence, as her eyes frantically darted about the unfamiliar setting.



There are some great tips for writing in Ezn's guide, particularly on what to avoid. So give that a read when you get the chance: http://eznguide.neocities.org.

But otherwise, it's looking to be an enjoyable story. The dialogue feels natural, which some writers struggle with, and the premise immediately hooks the reader into questioning "what caused Twilight to forget?", "how will her friends react?", "how will Twilight cope with re-meeting all of her friends again?" etc...

So I'm personally looking forward to seeing where this goes. You're doing a good job. Don't feel intimidated by people telling you how you can improve, and don't dwell too much on your mistakes, because the more you make, the better you will get at writing.

Best of luck! :twilightsmile:

Comment posted by Short Stories deleted Apr 17th, 2016

7133875
That was a very nice way of delivering helpful suggestions.

*Claps*

7133875 probably gave some of the fairest constructive criticism I've come across in a comments section in a while

Thanks for the advice and kind words, 7133875 :3. I'm glad you think the dialogue feels natural; I thought I was way off track. XD

7132377 I'll try my hardest not too!

7132018 He'll do that in the next chapter. :twilightsmile: Thanks for the suggestion! :pinkiehappy:
7132223 :pinkiehappy:

There's something...off about this story. Like, I can't quite figure out what it is, but the way things are described, the dialogue and the sequence of events feels very stilted and awkward. A bit unnatural, especially where the dialogue is concerned. Still, it has an interesting premise, so there's that.

7137006 XD I'll try and fix the tone, if I can. I did feel a bit awkward writing it, because I thought people would hate this story. I guess my awkwardness rubbed off on it. :P

Odd, shouldn't the scroll have materialised right next to Celestia, not her chambers?

Interesting turn of events...
Dun Dun Duuuuuuun

7150925 I honestly always imagined it as appearing in her chambers.
But, the AU tag is there for a reason--Spike did mention Apple Jacks, too, which is something ponies aren't familiar with...

I don't think.....

Interesting... *to stranger* WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DID YOU DO WITH OUR PONIES?!?!?!?! Anyway, I think it would be funny if Scootaloo was in Rainbow's house just PANICKING because Dashie's gone!

7151150 That may or may not be what happens next...
Also, could you please spoiler tag that? Just in case someone reads the comments first?

I guess the stranger is Discord. :pinkiehappy:

7150925

Implying something might have happened to Celestia too.

The big question is, who is that new voice talking about missing? Twilight? Or Spike?

Color me intrigued, cuz I love a good mystery! This one kinda reminds me of a comic I saw on Deviantart, though in that case everypony else had forgotten about Twilight...

7153398
The random stranger in Celestia's bedroom pretty much implies that something seriously sketchy is up.

7160471 Please spoiler tag that. Just in case someone reads the comments first. Thanks. :3

Loved the little Scootaloo/Spike bonding moment of friendship here... or maybe more?

WHAT IF I TOLD YOU, that I think unlike any pony you've ever met? I BET, I'll know EXACTLY what's going to happen next? :raritywink: You would probably do this---> :facehoof:

7162460 What [do you think] will happen next? :derpytongue2:

.... I'll tell you if what I think is going to happen, happens. I promise to be truthful. On my word

sorry somehow it seems that this is not quite my thing, I thought we only had the amnesia here, but now probably everyone of the main six is missing without even their familys knowing anything.

I just assume that I don't like where exactly this is going.

(which took a whole lot of asking questions to the box and not getting an answer in return). How do I get out of here?

leonardo dicaprio :trollestia:

7167875 Okay, but I'm just letting ou know that...
1) There are oooother stories that switch veiws like this and
2) heir familie don't know anything because they were taken in the middles of the night.

7167896 this is clearly within their own psyche so I'm going with...


WAKE UP STUPID!!!!!

.... Ummmm, from what my perception of "Limbo" is.... it seems like he killed them. :fluttershysad: I have to say, I'm intrigued :trixieshiftright: This was one of my ideas of what might happen. (I'm crazy like that :pinkiecrazy:) I just hope that Idea isn't what truly happened.

THE COLORS OH GOD I'M BLIND.

Still intrigued, though you might want to tone down the colors in this chapter. They make the text a little hard to read in some places.

7168156 How can they wake up when they're unconscious?

Colors might be to much..But if it will shift between six perspectives in 1000+/- word chapter..Guessing it is necessary evil

No, I'm not mad about the delay, after getting a good chapter in the end.

Wait a second... What was this Doctor Who spinoff few years back... Sarah Jane Adventures? Yeah, that. That's giving me a serious crossover vibe with that...

Dun dun dunnnnn :twilightoops:

Anyway I loved this chapter and look forward to more :twilightsmile:

Oh boy, Twilight's in trouble now. Great part!

So, problems with this story. The evil bad guy is too talkative. He sounds really soapboxy. There's no mystery to figure out. They got kidnapped effortlessly, leaving no evidence behind, no clues, and no way to solve the mystery. There's no flaws in their prison for them to find. There's nothing that was overlooked that they can take advantage of. The bad guy is not making mistakes, and everything is working out well for him. When they do figure something out, he effortlessly retcons the scenario with his limitless powers. And he just killed the main character. You sort of wrote yourself into a corner with that. Nobody wants to read about how the ponies are defeated by Evil McOCmalot's amazing, plot convenient powers. Okay, maybe not nobody, but certainly not me.

I'd rewrite this as a mystery, rather than an exposè of an OC. I'd have it where there wasn't an evil bad guy ensuring everyone remained in their proper places and nothing happened, while telling them all about how in control he was. Maybe he left some evidence behind that Twilight can piece together, and there's nothing he can do to stop her. Or they find ways to break free and warn her, or other ponies figure out what happened and save her/them. Twilight escapes her dream in breezie form, but still doesn't have any answers. Rainbow Dash breaks free of her not perfect restraints, and tries to find the limits of this prison, or the others who are here. Spike gets snatched too, except he escapes at the last possible moment, or Twilight rushes in before (not after) he can get pulled through the portal thingy. Things happen, and there's a mystery that can actually be solved.

She wasn't saying "please don't stop"?

And the clue you gave isn't helping. I did 2 forward and 2 back, and it still doesn't make sense.

7276169 Thanks for letting me know. :twilightsmile:
I fixed it, same message, different way of coding. Dose it come out clear/make sense now?

Interesting message there Short! Very interesting... :trixieshiftright: Poor Spike :moustache:

I don't understand. Where is the code?

Spike must die is pretty obvious, so I assume I'm missing something else.

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