Hard Landing (Edited and Extended)
"Warning, collision with unregistered planet imminent," blared the alarm system as the command crew desperately fought against the near useless controls.
"Main Engines Offline! Stabilizers thrusters at 50% integrity and falling! Leakage in main Fuel tanks! Fuel reserves Critical! Decompression in 5 sections!" shouted Daniel Farley, brown eyes glued to his screen, his youthful face drawn and grim. The Proud Mary had suffered a catastrophic failure in her experimental slipspace engine, and was unable to resist the pull of a nearby celestial body They were god-knows how far from Earth, venting fuel and oxygen, dragged in a decaying orbit around a massive class M Planet. They were desperate, scared, and the PA system wasn't helping, stuck on a loop playing Elton John's Rocketman.
"Keep fighting, Farley! We must soften our landing," Captain Roux said, her french accent becoming thicker with stress as damage and casualty reports flickered across her screen.
"Too late! We've hit the upper atmosphere! WE’RE IN FREEFALL! I CAN NO LONGER CONTROL THE SHIP!" shouted Daniel, as The Proud Mary Sped towards her demise. Fire and debris scorching her red and white hull. She was quite large, With enough room to carry 8,000 souls aboard her and keep them fed, entertained and healthy through long trips through the void, as well as the materials and equipment to build a colony on all but the most inhospitable of worlds. All of that meant that they were big, heavy, and dropping like a stone.
Time slowed as they impacted the earth, gouts of dirt and debris streaming through the now-shattered windows, and ruptured blast shields of the bridge. Captain Roux was impaled by a pipe torn out of the walls, pinning her to her chair and snuffing out her life instantaneously. Lieutenant Torres, her first officer, was thrown from her seat and slammed against the bulkhead, her skull crushed in a spray of blood and gore as her limp corpse bounced around the cabin. Equipment was torn from its mountings and screeched across the floor and ceiling, crushing those unfortunate enough to be in the way. Daniel let out a silent scream as a console rammed his station, and everything went black..
********
The six mares that were the Elements of Harmony stood a few hundred yards from the strange alien craft that had fallen out of the sky. It was Large, and shaped much like a Manehattan building, but in far grander scale. The gold, red and white paint visible through the scorch marks gave the observer a sense of how this craft must have looked before it’s final voyage.Smoke and fire filled the wasted landscape of ground zero, and debris had been reported miles from the crash site.
Twilight could only thank Faust that the area was mostly uninhabited.
Behind herself and her friends, both Celestia and Luna stood, accompanied by their most senior commanders and most capable battle-mages. Should their "Visitors" prove hostile, they would teleport the elements away from the danger and move in.
"Twilight...I am serious. At the first sign of danger or hostility, I want you and your friends out of harm's way. This is an unprecedented incident. Even I am at a loss for what to do.” Celestia paused, looking over the young alicorn that had grown so much from the excitable purple unicorn filly she had taken under her tutelage. “Be safe, My student" Celestia pleaded, nuzzling the purple mare.
"I'll be fine, Princess. The girls and I can take care of ourselves. I also don't think these creatures had hostile intent. Their craft looks badly damaged, and nopony's come out of it yet," said Twilight, adjusting her tiara.
“I still don’t like the Idea of sending you in alone, but I suppose you did write the book on first contact scenarios,” Celestia intoned, furrowing her bow.
"Yeah, Princess, I'm sure we can handle a few dumb old aliens. Especially with me here." Rainbow Dash was inspecting her hoof nonchalantly.
"I don't know, what if they're hurt! We... we should help them...If that's okay with them that is..." stuttered Fluttershy, clutching a first aid kit nervously.
"Well, shucks. Let's get over there and see what in tarnation's goin' on then," drawled Applejack, eyeing the wreck with suspicion.
"I must agree with Applejack and Pinkie, there is little time to waste," Rarity said, starting to trot towards the remains of the ship.
"Come'on slow pokes! We gotta go help ’em," giggled Pinkie Pie, already halfway through the debris field.
"Pinkie! Wait for us!" Twilight and her friends galloped to catch up to the pink blur.
******
The girls entered the ship through one of several gashes in the hull, Each easily wide enough to pull a wagon through.. What they found was a horror show. Dozens of dead aliens lined the slanted corridor, some burned, others torn apart blood coated nearly every surface. The girls were all cowed and horrified by the sight, and Fluttershy teared up. . The few bodies that were identifiable were similar to that of minotaurs.
“U-Unrecognized L-L-L-Life signszzzz detected," stuttered an electronic voice.
"What the hay was that?!" shouted Dash, her fur bristling.
"I dunno Sugarcube, but I think we should leave..." said Applejack backing up, Only to freeze as a hatch slid open, revealing another alien, this one terribly injured, but alive. Bones were visible through an obviously broken arm, and much of his face was blistered from terrible burns.
"I...I can't see....Oh, god...It hurts!" It said, collapsing. Fluttershy Immediately forgot her fear and rushed over.
"Oh, Just hold still! I'll help!" a bandage over the creature’s bloody face.
"N-No...Kids...The kids are a bit further in...They need help...." The creature gasped, grabbing Fluttershy's shoulders with his hands before stiffening, “Please! Please! Get the kids out! They’re stuck in the schoolroom M-My Daughter…” Before it could say more, the creature went limp.
"Sir? Mr. Alien?! S-stop kidding around..." said a thoroughly disturbed Pinkie, her mane drooping. Twilight just swallowed and set her jaw.
"W-We've got to keep moving. You heard the Alien, their young are in trouble!"
*****
Dan opened his eyes and was immediately greeted by searing pain in most of his body. Dan couldn’t help but let a low moan escape across his lips as he fought to remain conscious. He didn't have to be a medic to realize his legs were badly broken. They were bent at an odd angle and half crushed by the dented metal wall he normally used as a footrest. He was pinned by the wreckage of the bridge, but his terminal was working.Daniel breathed a sigh of relief, happy he could still communicate with the rest of the ship. He considered himself lucky that the eggheads back home had figured out how to make terminals NOT explode. Dan looked around, finding himself alone amongst the dead
The captain was pinned to her chair, one of the pipes from the auxiliary power unit jutting from her chest. Her lifeless eyes stared straight ahead, just as determined as they had been in life, and her freshly pressed forever frozen in their final moments. Lt. Torres was lying in a crumpled heap to Daniel’s left, much of her body contorted unnaturally. Daniel could not bear to look at her long, as the image brought bile to his lips. He’d never been able to remember the name of the poor lad that worked communications...and now he wished he had. The poor kid had been crushed in the impact, only his hand peeking from the ruined earth and metal.
By rights, he should be dead too.
Gritting his teeth he shook his head, banishing the thought, and checked his terminal.
"At least I can be useful for a bit..." he muttered to himself, checking over damage and casualty reports. The damage was extensive. There were entire sections unstable, and at least one of the living facilities was a raging inferno. What caught his eye however, were six life-forms hurrying up Corridor 1C, towards the onboard school. They had no IFF, so they hadn't been part of the crew or colonists. He hoped for a minute they'd landed on a human planet, and keyed the intercom.
"Hello? This is Acting Captain Farley. Can you hear me?"
******
"Hello?, This is Acting Captain Farley, Do you hear me?" asked a voice from above, causing Fluttershy to jump and the rest of the girls to take attack positions. "Yes! You! can you understand me?" This time the voiced seemed slightly desperate and strained.
"...We can hear and understand you, Captain," Twilight answered cautiously.
"Okay, good...Thank Christ. Look, I'm injured pretty badly, and I can't move, So I'd like your help. We need to get my people out of this wreck. I see you're already closing in on the school… I can see life signs inside, so Hopefully the kids are alright… Will you help?"
Twilight looked at her friends, each of whom had a look of determination.
"We'll get you and yers outta this mess, Sugarcube. Don't you worry none," Applejack promised, adjusting her hat.
"Of course Darling! We'll be happy to help," cooed Rarity, nodding at her friends. Pinkie and Dash just shared a look of determination and nodded.
"Good to hear... Let's hope we can meet in person soon." Relief was evident in Farley’s voice.
“Leave it to me. Ten seconds flat!” boasted Dash, secretly relieved to be out of the nightmare for even a few moments. Pinkie just nodded, her normal smile replaced with naught but grim determination.
"Alright, Dash, I'll need you to grab the princesses and the guards. This is now a rescue," Twilight ordered, her horn glowing as she levitated debris out of her way, while Fluttershy zipped off to triage the injured. In her heart, Twilight knew Equestria would change.
For better or worse.
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7279101
Ey
...
Good story
...
Continue
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.
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The only issue I have with this story is that there is no language barrier
Looks OK so far.
I'm liking where this is going!
Please educate yourself in the proper use of Capitol Letters; other than that, good first chapter.
nice work so far, hope to see more soon
7279531 I know proper use, I just have meat hands.
Too many "he"s in the description. Poor quality description almost always denotes poor quality story, and just turns me off from the whole thing.
7279616 Thank you for your honesty. I'll try to fix it later, but right now I've gotta get to bed.
Very good with great grammar. Just the capital letters need work but still love this so far.
Love it so far. Just some capitalization errors, but still good overall. This holds a lot of promise. I'll be following this. Can't wait for the next chapter!
7279654 sure, no problem, just trying to pass along small Peace's of advice, and honesty without cruelty works better, in my opinion... though sometimes I have problems trying to not be cruel in my reviews
7279101 The real question is why they exploded in the first place, Federation technology...shames us all!
I love it
Can't wait for the next chapter
Good, but far too short - too little story happened.
Also, MOAR!!!!!!!!!
Feels extremely rushed. this should be at least 3 times as long if not longer. where's the build up, where's the context?
More.
like this a lot, hope it updates frequently
7279542
Not a bad start.
Overall, it's pretty rough and raw, and you should really consider an editor to help, but it's a rather intriguing first chapter with a lot of potential. I have the sense you're new to fiction writing from this, but that only means practice will give you great improvements.
I will be watching for more.
7285309 Not...New per-say but Definitely in need of assistance.
7285330 Well, you have a worthy start. Just keep at it and through time and practice, you shall blunt force trauma your way out of some of your errors. That's basically how I did it. And I say new due to the writing flow, the little errors and how you lay things out. Having been working on my own stuff for over two years now, I am just noticing things that slip past when getting the ball rolling. Some of them I recognize having done myself when I got started, honestly.
The concepts used thus far are quite fascinating, and later on, I'd say it deserves a revision to enhance the interesting bits already in place through even better wording. It really changes the entry point to your story when you do so, and is something I've also been through (and am still working on).
I like this. I encourage you to write more, because I will be sure to read it. You have my attention.
As for editor help, you might try putting up a post on the Looking For Editors group. Someone might be interested in providing assistance and a second pair of eyes (that acknowledge they have no real power over your story and are just wanting to help you do better) can dramatically impact your quality level. Certainly did for me.
7285413 Thanks. This is exactly the kind of comment I look for. I'm always trying to improve, and this really does help a lot. (frankly, I didn't realize there was a group dedicated to finding editors.) I'm also glad you liked the first chapter, short as it was. I may at some point lengthen it, to at least double it's current size. For now though, it's a good entry point. Trying to stay away from the gary stu pitfall that I seem to stumble into far too often, so I thought I'd try something different. A regular guy stuffed unwillingly into a leadership role at the worst possible time.
7285631 Well, don't fear cliches. Cliches and tropes (TVtropes) are only tools. Yes, the Gary Stu thing is much maligned, but even that can be played well and qualify, yet remain entirely enjoyable. Presentation and implementation can make or break even the most creative ideas, or make popular hits out of rampant cliche abuse. There's even a trope for it: TropesAreTools
I also took a quick peek at your other stuff to look at the publish dates. I will confess it took me a year before I think I was really starting to make good progress in shedding many of the common hiccups. A few months is not enough for most of us without focused training and a boatload of feedback. It's just the nature of the writing beast.
Oh, small tip from experience though. Never rush to publish. If you finish a chapter, give it a day and read it again while hunting for errors and bad wording. Possibly even a couple days to a week. Working alone, you often go blind to some problems because you're automatically correcting what your own eyes perceive just because you know what it's supposed to be already. Time away reduces your author-blindness. You have numerous capitalization errors when I looked, including Fluttershy's name in one spot that stuck in my head. Simple stuff that's easy to fix, if you look for it. Patience of a couple days, and one or more editing passes as a rule, is something that has served me well, even with someone now trading editing services with me to help (suggested the story and he sees potential too, by the way). You clearly have the capacity, but you won't polish up anything without elbow grease combined with smart effort.
Interesting Xenoblade X-style concept. Will follow.
A word of advice: embed the videos links. Rather than putting the actual youtube video in there, use BB Code to link it into the story itself in one way or another. Youtube videos are bulky and really break the immersion of a story. I also suggest an editor or, at the very least, a proofreader, to fix some of more obvious typos.
That said, this story has potential and I look forward to seeing where it goes. May or may not go over this and point at some typos later.
7296139 I laughed at that because I just got two Epic editors. New and improved chapter one will come out...eventually.
Where is the next chapter?
7316673 Soon...Maybe...Probably....
7317036 Good.
Is the next chapter in the works yet?
When are you gonna release the next chapter
"Lt. Torres" of the federation star ship Voyager?
I would like to suggest that you reduce the roundtable of replies where all of the mane six give their two cents one at a time. I personally find it annoying and I don't think it's a natural group action.
7420435 Wasn't she head of engineering? Surely a commander should be first officer?
7421336
lieutenant is an officer
8093289
Yes, but First Officer is a specific rank, referring to the officer second only to the captain, which in Star Trek - since this was started by talking about Lt. Torres, a character in Star Trek: Voyager - is a position usually held by a Commander, Lieutenant being a lower officer rank.
I like this stories concept and hope you continue it. My only complaint is a subjective one. I prefer longer chapters. But it's your story, so you do it as you see fit.
Great chapter, can’t wait for the humans reactions to being rescued by ponies!