Chapter Nine: Book Hunt
“You sure know your way around this place,” commented Cadance as they walked through the book district in disguise.
“Well, you know Twilight,” Celestia chuckled. “If I couldn't find her in her quarters or the library, she'd be right here in one of these shops. Although, I'll say you seem awfully comfortable here as well.”
“Same reason,” admitted Cadance. “You know, I've never forgiven you for teaching Twilight that illusion spell while I was still foalsitting her.”
“Oh?”
“Yes, that night she first learned it, when I went to tuck her in and the blanket went right through her? Not a fun experience for one of my first times foalsitting.”
Celestia started snickering, but quickly got it under control when Cadance glared at her. “It's not funny! I was in a panic, running around the house, wondering if I should call the police or go look for her myself... then she just comes trotting in, dragging a saddlebag as big as she was filled with books. I almost killed her on the spot.”
Unable to hold it back, Celestia burst out in laughter, nearly falling over in the street despite the clear anger on Cadance's face.
“I'm... I'm sorry, niece,” she said as she slowly got herself under control, wiping a tear from her eye. “It's just such a Twilight thing to do!”
“It really wasn't funny,” grumbled Cadance. “I kept telling her not to, that it was dangerous for her to go out all alone and the entire reason I was there to watch her was to keep her safe, and still she kept doing it! Her illusions kept getting better and better, and I still don't know how many times she managed it with me not even having a clue.”
“That's a good point about how dangerous it is for a little filly to go wandering around the city by herself,” said Celestia, serious now. “I'm not trying to scold you after the fact or anything, but you really should have come to me after the first few times it happened. If you'd let anything happen to her...”
“Oh, you think I didn't know that?” Cadance shot back. “The truth is, I thought she wasn't in any real danger at all. You know how little violent crime there is in Canterlot, given how well it's all organized."
"Yes, thank for reminding me that all the crime in my capital city is run by one horrible, insufferable crime boss," Celestia said with a roll of her eyes.
"It does keep ponies safe and unhurt," replied Cadance. "But I really stopped worrying about Twilight going out—at least, about her safety—after she got mugged.”
“She didn't!” gasped Celestia, face going pale.
“Yep. Three ponies. And it sounded like they actually wanted to hurt her, as well.”
“What happened?! I mean, obviously she was okay, but—”
“She put them in the hospital.”
“What?!”
“Like I said, they were really going to hurt her, so she defended herself. Very enthusiastically. None of them were unicorns, and they sure hadn't been ready for a filly more powerful than most adults!
“I actually got called down to the police station after it all got sorted out. They wanted to hold her until charges could be pressed, due to the extent of the injuries on the three ponies. When I got there, she'd already broken two filly-rated magic suppressors, and they'd given up and put an adult one on her. I don't think I've ever seen her as unhappy as she was while wearing that thing.”
“How did all this happen without me finding out?!” cried Celestia.
Cadance winced. “I sort of used my position as a Princess to get it all swept under the rug. It's the only time I've done something like that, I swear. The worst part was, Twilight made me buy her some books to keep her quiet about it!”
Amusement and dismay warred on Celestia's face, and finally she just shook her head. “As I said, it's just such a Twilight thing to do.” A small smile lit upon her face. “And it makes me more certain than ever that this is the right path to take.”
Cadance nodded in agreement as they entered the next bookstore. As usual, Cadance went to whatever pony was running the store, her unicorn disguise making her seem more likely to be in pursuit of a rare book on magic. Celestia, meanwhile, just wandered around the store, looking for anything that might be of use to them in their search.
In this store, as always, she felt a sense of bemusement and sadness as she browsed the books. For many, listed as antiques or ancient and rare texts, she had known the authors personally. In some cases after the work had been published; in others well beforehand, having taught them herself in the many classes that had gone through her schools over the years. In a few instances, she had even personally helped the author write the book in question, providing historical recollections, research assistance, or just proofreading and offering suggestions.
But so many of the books she had read and enjoyed in her lifetime had faded from existence over the years. Many times she had wished she was able to keep a vault with a copy of every book that was written in it, to preserve the stories and tales for later ages. Such a project, alas, had a scope far beyond anything that was possible. The mountain Canterlot was built upon would be filled in mere centuries.
For a moment she entertained the thought of telling Twilight about this dream, then winced and discarded the idea. That was one thing she would never share with her love. As much passion as Celestia had for books, Twilight went far beyond. Filling up Canterlot mountain with books would, no doubt, be seen as a perfectly acceptable solution.
Celestia paused in her browsing, eyebrows rising as she spotted a sign: 'No admittance to ponies under eighteen years of age'. The sign hung just above a doorway that was curtained off.
Interest rising, she pushed her way past the curtains. If there was anywhere in this store that would have advanced books on magic, it would no doubt be a room hidden away like this. Pulling one book from the dimly-lit shelves quickly proved her wrong.
“Are those two stallions?” she muttered to herself, looking at the cover. “What are they—ohhh.”
Face flushed, she replaced the book on the shelf, quickly scanning the spines of others to confirm that these books were what she thought they were. Simply reading the titles was enough to tell her that, yes, these books were all about—
Her heart stopped as she caught sight of a slim volume with a white cover, titled simply 'Princest is Wincest'.
“Oh, no, no, no, no...” she muttered, ripping the book from the shelf and skimming through it quickly.
A sigh of relief came from her chest as she realized that none of the words in the novel had been written by her. Apparently some other pony had had a similar idea. Her face suddenly went fully red as she began to parse what it was that she was actually reading.
“Oh my...”
Several minutes passed quickly as Celestia raptly read passages from the book, her face growing hotter with each paragraph. Suddenly, a voice interrupted her.
“...Sunny Skies?”
Panicking, Celestia jammed the book back into the shelves, then burst her way out of the curtains. Fortunately, Cadance had been behind some bookshelves, and didn't see which room Celestia had emerged from.
“I'm, uh... “ Celestia cleared her throat, lowering the pitch of her voice. “I'm right here, Lovey Dovey.”
“You find anything?” Cadance asked as they exited the store.
“No! No, nope, nothing interesting there at all.”
Cadance sighed. “Me neither. The shopkeeper didn't know anything about the first edition of the Treatise. Maybe the next shop will be better.”
Celestia looked up at the night sky, frowning in thought. “Actually, it's getting late. The shops will be closing soon. We may as well head back and rest up for tomorrow.”
“Okay. I'll see you at breakfast.”
Stepping into an alleyway, they shed their disguises and teleported back to the castle in twin flashes of light.
A few minutes later, Sunny Skies trotted back into the shop she had just left.
Glancing around furtively, she went straight to the back of the shop, through a curtained doorway, and grabbed a particular white-covered book from a shelf. Not looking at the shopkeeper, she deposited a few bits on the counter, went out the door and into the mouth of an alleyway, and disappeared.
“Same plan today?” asked Cadance, as they met up the next morning.
“No,” replied Celestia, shaking her head. “At least one thing yesterday proved is that we should split up. There's nothing on the shelves that's going to help us with this; we need to be talking to the shopkeepers, the ones who actually know who's who and what's what in the business. And there's no reason that should take both of us. So, you take the left side and I'll take the right?”
“Sounds good,” said Cadance, and they went on their ways.
By late that afternoon, Celestia was nearly frantic. There hadn't been one shopkeeper able to provide her with any information, and she was nearing the end of the district. It was starting to seem like not a single copy of the first edition existed anymore... but that couldn't be true. There had to be one somewhere. Celestia had unconsciously staked everything on getting ahold of that book, and now that it looked like that was impossible she was starting to panic.
So deep into despair had Celestia sunk that when the shopkeeper of the third to last store on the block said he did know where a copy of the book was, she merely nodded in defeat and started to walk out the door, head down.
Her brain slowly processed what she had just heard, and suddenly her ears perked up, followed by her head, and she shot back to the counter, nearly sending every book in the store flying as she gave a flap of her wings.
“You do?! Where?! TELL ME!” she cried, nearly screaming, leaning across the counter and shaking the aging stallion by the neck.
“Whoa now, careful there little filly,” he said, removing her hoofs and massaging the back of his neck. “I'm not quite as young and durable as I used to be. Now, about that first edition you're looking for...”
Celestia trotted in place, hoofs beating a faster and faster tempo upon the floor as the old stallion mused and muttered and tried to get his memory working. Just as she was about to begin yelling and shaking things again, the shopkeeper banged a hoof down on the counter and nodded firmly.
“Yup, I remember that book well. Sold at an auction, oh, maybe ten, fifteen years back. It's hard to forget something like that, seeing such a rare book actually up for auction. Even harder to forget seeing somepony spend so many bits on it.”
“Who was it? Who bought the book?” asked Celestia urgently, leaning further across the counter.
“Well, can't rightly tell you that. Was a private buyer,” replied the stallion, and Celestia sagged down, face hitting the counter. “But the auction house might have records, if you could get them to let you take a look.”
Celestia shot back up again. “Which auction house?!”
“I think it was DuBridles Auction Gallery, the one down on 3rd—”
He cut off as Celestia exploded out of the shop entrance, this time actually knocking over several piles of books in her wake as she flew.
“Odd pegasus,” muttered the shopkeeper, then suddenly noticed the bag of bits that had been left behind. “Nice tipper, though.
“You don't understand, I have to get in there!” cried the pegasus, slamming her hooves onto the desk.
Door Check was unimpressed. “I'm sorry, Miss—Sunny Skies, was it?” The mare peered at Celestia over the top of her glasses. “But members of the general public are simply not allowed into the DuBridles archives.”
Biting her lip, Celestia looked desperately at the gate, which was not only locked but had a guard pony on either side of it.
“Look, it is vitally important I get access to your archives. What is it going to take to get me past that gate?”
“There are two ways you can get into the archives. One is to be one of the owners of DuBridles; the other—” the mare sneered “—is to be a Princess. Are you either of those?”
The disguised pegasus glowered at the pony, Door Check's smug look becoming more infuriating with each passing second until finally Celestia had had enough.
“Give me a minute,” she growled, stalking out of the room.
Door Check gave a sniff, and went back to filing her hooves. When she heard the door open a moment later, she rolled her eyes and looked over, ready to give that annoying pegasus another earful.
Her snide comment died in her mouth as she beheld Princess Celestia herself, walking forward with a determined look on her face.
“I believe you told my friend that one needed to be a Princess to enter these archives, correct?” she asked, her voice serene as always, but with a threat lurking just underneath.
“I—you—n-no, no one gets in but the owners,” the mare managed to stammer out.
“Oh really?” Celestia strode forward. When the guards foolishly moved to stop her, they found themselves picked off the ground and pushed against the walls in a not-exactly-gentle fashion by the golden glow of the Princess's magic.
She continued up to the gate, still holding the ponies aloft with seemingly no effort, and considered the metal bars.
“Very sturdy looking,” she commented. “However, I could still burn my way through. Unfortunately, holding these two ponies in place is rather... distracting. It would be a shame if I were to melt them instead, wouldn't it?”
Door Check gaped for a few seconds, trying to form some sort of coherent sentence, and finally just hit the gate release with her hoof.
“Thank you.” Celestia let the guards drop to the floor, and marched into the archives.
Cadance trotted forward hurriedly. She had gotten Celestia's message—frantic and disjointed though it had been—and headed off to the auction house as fast as possible. She even dropped her disguise, as Celestia's message had made it clear it was no longer needed.
“Where is—” she managed to get out, before the mare behind the desk let out a whimpering little shriek at the sight of another Princess. She pointed with one trembling hoof at the open gate at the other end of the room, and Cadance moved through it, watching in confusion as the guards flinched back from her.
She stopped as she entered the archive, gazing around in awe.
The archives itself descended two floor below the one she stood on, visible through the railing-surrounded hole that penetrated the center of the rooms. The top two floors were filled with shelves that contained all manner of account books, ledgers, folders, and anything else that could be convinced to hold records. On the bottom floor were more filing cabinets than Cadance had ever seen in one place, lined up in row after row after row.
Currently, what looked to be the contents of every one of those books, folders, shelves and cabinets was floating in the air, glowing with golden light. Tens of thousands of pages drifted in an enormously complicated pattern, and at the center of it all sat Celestia, not blinking, scanning each page in seconds as it passed in front of her.
“Celestia?” asked Cadance timidly, taking a few steps forward. “What is this?”
“I found the book,” said Celestia in a distant, almost dreamy voice. “It was sold at an auction in this very building just a few years ago. Now I am going to find out who bought it.”
“Do you, um... do you need any help?”
“I don't know. How many centuries of experience do you have reading through the driest reports imaginable in order to pick out the important pieces of information?”
Cadance winced at her tone, ears pinning back, and Celestia suddenly sat up straighter with a sigh.
The papers halted their flight, and Celestia turned, giving Cadance an apologetic shrug, her eyes tired. “Sorry. I don't usually talk to anyone while doing paperwork like this, and I tend to be a bit, ah, raw when I do. I'm paying attention to the paper more than the conversation.”
“It's okay, Auntie, really.” Cadance gave her a wide smile, and Celestia returned it. “I'll head back to the castle then, and wait to see what you find. I'll make sure Auntie Luna and Auntie—urp!” She covered her mouth with one hoof, gagging. “Auntie Chrysalis haven't caused too much havoc.”
“Thank you.”
Cadance walked softly out, as the papers resumed their dance.
The papers stopped.
One sheet hung in the air in front of Celestia. She read the sheet again, and then again. Slowly, her body began to tremble. For a moment, her horn glowed so brightly it nearly vaporized the entire building and everypony within it, save herself. But the heat was so intense it wrapped around itself, creating a vortex of plasma that spun and writhed around her horn, containing its power to the immediate area of her head.
Carefully, Celestia slowed her breathing, getting her magic under control. She gathered up the papers, putting each and every one back where it had come from, and stalked back out through the gate.
She stopped in front of the desk, regarding the cowering Door Check.
“If you ever need a job, come to the palace,” she said, causing the mare to flinch back, and then suddenly stare up in shock. “I could use someone who stands up to a Princess to keep ponies out of my study and private quarters.”
With that, she left.
Celestia nodded brusquely to the pony sitting behind the desk at the entrance to the City Planning and Zoning Department. She entered the archives—she had full access, at all times, to these archives at least—and papers began once again storming around her.
This storm was much less fierce; she knew exactly what she was looking for this time. Gathering up her chosen papers, she marched back into the hall.
“Copier,” she demanded bluntly of the pony behind the desk.
“It's against policy to make copies—” the stallion managed to say, before suddenly finding Celestia towering over him.
“While I appreciate the need for privacy and security with regards to records, official papers, and so on, I am at the end of my metaphorical rope on that subject today,” she hissed. “This is my kingdom. This is my city. Are you telling me I cannot make copies of that which I own?”
A shaking hoof pointed at a door further down the hallway.
“Thank you,” said Celestia politely, trotting into the copier room with paper trailing behind her.
“Well?” asked Cadance as Celestia landed on the balcony, weighed down by a saddlebag that looked stuffed to bursting.
“I found who has it,” replied the Princess of the Sun tiredly, head hanging as she trotted through the halls. Her magic had been so exhausted she hadn't even been able to teleport directly to her study. “It's currently in the possession of Concrete Horseshoes.”
“Concrete—?” Cadance gasped. “The mob boss? The stallion that controls all of the organized crime in Canterlot?!”
“'Allegedly' controls,” sneered Celestia, pausing to make the air quotes with her hooves. “We know it's him, but either our witnesses are too terrified to testify or the evidence we have gathered won't stand up in court. Not with the lawyers he can afford.”
“What does he even want with a book on magic? Isn't he an earth pony?”
“Yes, but it's part of his collection. He thinks owning fine works of art and rare books of magic makes him look sophisticated.”
They walked in silence for a while.
“Are you going to try to buy it off him, then?” asked Cadance finally, and Celestia sighed.
“No, I can't. He has too much of his imagined prestige wrapped up in that collection. He's not going to part with even a single piece of it to just anypony. Some no-name pony—like, say, Sunny Skies—doesn't have a chance in Tartarus of buying it off him.
“And buying it as Celestia is right out of the question. For one thing, he hates me. The moment I ask him for it he's going to push the price to ridiculous levels, just to say he put one over on the Princess. And second, dealing with him in any kind of reasonable manner is tantamount to legitimizing him. I will not let my ponies think I believe that scum to be worth even a single bit.”
“Then what are we going to do?” asked Cadance as they entered Celestia's private study.
“That's simple,” replied Celestia.
As usual, the desk of the Princess of the Sun was covered with clutter: law bills waiting to be reviewed and/or signed, letters from various dignitaries, both foreign and domestic, pens, pencils, and quills, stacks of scratch paper; all the minutiae that the ruler of a country needed to get the actual work of running things done. Raising one foreleg, Celestia swept it all onto the floor, then dropped her saddlebag onto the desk. After tottering precariously for a moment, the bag tipped over, spilling out blueprints, housing plans and maps of the city.
“We're going to steal it.”
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(Insert heist film music here.) Seriously though, great chapter!
Or ya could pull a sting operation, Celestia. Just saying. If this guy would love to get the one up on you, controlling you must be a downright dream come true. Surely you're not too scared to testify... Just amp up the desperation beforehand to sell the idea you are..
Seems in character.
O ... M ... G. I shudder to think what's going to happen next. Probably something hugely dangerous.
(At the end there) CUE MISSION IMPOSSIBLE THEME!
Ooooo stealing the book thats going to be hilarious
i thought it was going to be blueblood, becuase that would be just as funny
but oh god them steal it going to be funny
My guess was that Twilight already had it. That would have been more humorous, I think.
Nah. She's Celestia - the Absolute Ruler of the bucking government - she doesn't have to steal it. Simply invite him to tea (using several 'wetwork specialists' with a Battlemage on overwatch) and while pouring tea make him an offer he can't refuse...
Either he 'gifts' her the book, or she collects it as an 'inheritance tax' after he suffers an unfortunate and inexplicably fatal accident...
"Pinkie… sense… tingling!"
You're not the only one in good company, Codex.
"I mean to burgle Milverton's house tonight."
- Sherlock Holmes.
To be honest, as soon as I heard "a mob boss owns it" I knew there would be a heist. It was inevitable in that great sort of surreal comedy logic that I think is behind this fics better moments.
What bugged me was that Celestia acts like a thug to get what she wants earlier in the chapter.
7343789 plot twist: twilight tracked it down and bought it years ago, trading a bunch of other rare books for it and wanted to give it to celestia but forgot when she moved to ponyville
(Basically it's sitting in twilights tower all along)
why not have chrysalis help because one thing I noticed in many stories involving peace with changelings is they hardly ever join and be part of some royal spy network or something
This is getting better and better! But, uh... couple things.
1) Twilight was pretty weak magically as a filly, remember? I just find it odd that she could use lots of spells as a foal, when she could barely turn a page when she got her cutie mark.
2) "A ruler is not above the law." Seems messed up that she can just steamroll ponies under the excuse that it's "her city."
First off I really enjoyed this wonderful chapter.
Second to address both points of the A/N. Celestia acting crazy and OOC here is fine in my opinion. I know love can make us do crazy/stupid/OOC things. In other words I find how you portrayed her believable given the circumstances and build up. And the mob boss guy? Well the points you stated are more than good enough for me. You have nothing to worry about.
-BFBL
7344295 Murphy gives you a soul chilling grin. SOON, SOON MY CAT. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA,
7344302
I have my eye on this one mehehehehehe should be good.
Ah good was getting a bit dull *boops Murphy on the nose and vanishes 30 sec later a stink bomb goes off under the throne*
OK with that done
Surely, "liberate it" would be more befitting of the ruler?
7344181 this was post cutie mark. Cady was talking about Celestia teaching Twi illusion spells. Celestia didn't teach Twi until after she went full kaboom.
7344144 well it's totally possible, twilight did literally forget she had a library at the palace or that she had friends. I don't know the actual time between season 1 and 4 (I guess it's supposed to be a year but I don't exactly like that) but she seemed to have forgotten everything that she had there overnight
(insert obligatory 'dis gun be gud' meme here)
And here I was thinking it was Twilight who bought the book at auction thereby completely destroying Celestias plan.
7344181
"A ruler is not above the law" only applies when the ruler is not an immensely powerful deity able to affect the whole ecosystem with a thought...
I'm also sure it's the ruler who decides what the rules are.
7344653 *filly powers
"You know you wanna give me that book"
"No!"
*Filly twilight stare*
"NO!"
*Filly twilight stare continues
"OK FINE"
Love makes us do crazy things. By which I mean that I'm probably going to be very disappointed in Cadence for not doing a better job of maintaining her aunt's sanity. Still, this is probably going to be all kinds of hilarious. After all, if there's a mob boss who not even the protection of the Princesses can convince ponies to betray, he's going to have some truly ridiculous security of his own.
Also, I suppose more than a millennium history would make an Equestrian Library of Congress analogue something of a logistical challenge. Still, no reason not to try. If nothing else, Celestia should keep a library of the works of her friends. That would porbably take multiple millennia to fill the mountain.
7343759
That hasn't yet been ruled out.
7344181
1.) As JetstreamGW said 7344559, I'm assuming there Cadance was foalsitting Twilight for at least a little while after Celestia took her as a student. Obviously things are rather vague in terms of canon, but it seems reasonable that there would be summer vacation for Twilight, during which she would be able to go home to visit her parents (assuming she was living at the castle and not with her parents, which I think most people assume) and it also seems reasonable that Twilight would need a foalsitter at points during this time.
Of course, I have no idea how long passed between Twilight joining the school and Cadance returning to her home plant for a few years because they needed her, but there's probably enough time that it works.
2.) The specific part you mention, saying she could make copies because it's "her city", isn't as bad as the auction house. After all, not making copies is simply a policy, and as the head of the government I'd imagine she could override simple office policies like that on a whim.
Forcing her way into the auction houses records is a bit worse, admittedly, but at this point she's become desperate and is starting to lose it a bit.
7347338 Forcing herself into the auction house's private records is, in fact, a horrifying abuse of power :D
7345200
Yes, pretty much this. She's the benevolent Princess God Tyrant. She is the law. And given that the season four finale seems to imply that she's as powerful as a quarter of the population of Equestria, plus a quarter of Discord, I don't think anyone's really going to argue.
Also, this is clearly something she considers extraordinary circumstances. It's not like she runs around threatening guards like that everyday. Ponies wouldn't stand for it. But she can do it on occasion, when she feels the situation calls for it, which reminds me of the following joke/urban legend/possibly true anecdote:
Same thing here. Celestia doesn't go around everyday threatening civilians and breaking into private businesses. But because she doesn't, she can do it when she needs to, and who's ever going to believe that it really happened?
7344136 My bet is that after the horribly contrived, dangerous and harrowing heist, Chryssie will mention that she could've stolen it in five minutes without any problems, at which point Celestia will slam her head against the table and start sobbing.
Fun thought: Chryssie will soon join the divine ruler club.
7347343 That's why its funny. I dislike Tyrant Celestia too, but this story is so good I'll allow it. Besides, she's not being straight up evil, just...forceful.
All I can imagine is Princess Celestia caught stealing red-handed by the mob boss before telling him "They'll never believe you" and teleporting away.
7349716 This isn't much of a crackfic, usually crackfics completely abandon the idea that there's a legitimate reason for any of the plot points within them.
Some of them. Nightmare Moon got plenty of build up. Chrysalis did, too, in her own way, with the whole Twilight being
absurdly paranoidrealizing something is wrong with Cadance plot taking time to build up to what was really going on. Discord was pretty much out of nearly nowhere, though.7385780
Discord, Tirek, Sombrero. That's three sudden foes.
Nightmare, Chrysalis, Starlight. That's three built up foes.
It seems fairly even to me.
And then build a second mountain. That one filled up with books. So I built a third mountain. That one burned down, fell over, and then got filled up with books.
Yes, actually.
"Uh, Princess, it's against regulations that you wrote. So technically, you're tell yourself no."
Uh ... this is not where I was expecting this story to go. Also, you should have Sunset steal it; she has a proven record of success at stealing items and turning them over to Celestia.
Ok cool. And could you possibly kill him off too?
You can get the book and pull an orbital strike with the sun... something like that?
The mob boss idea works well, actually. Introducing him suddenly, not so much. (it's not that bad, though)
Still, the idea's fine, since a certain ruler reminds me of a certain Patrician, and that probably does include the "organized crime".
I almost feel bad for cadence now since she can't throw up... Almost
To be honest, I was expecting Twilight.
Obviously, Cadance. Did she really need to ask?
This seems pretty reasonable for celestia imho. Probably where twilight learned it from honestly
Cue heist theme
11108607
Mission impossible theme music.
So this guy hates Celestia? So why not send someone else to buy it off of him besides stealing it? Pretty sure they won't mind Cadance, she is not just anypony since she is a princess.