Chapter Five: Highly Inappropriate Behavior
Celestia had a smile on her face as she woke from her restful sleep. She sprang from her bed, the sun rising with her as she did, and the day began.
It was going to be a good day, she could feel it. She felt it as she brushed her flowing mane, humming happily. She felt it as she donned her regalia and made sure it was all fitting properly. She felt it as she practically skipped through the halls, nodding at the precisely placed guards along her path. She felt it as she went about her daily routine, even during the boring meetings. She felt it as she sat at the table, sipping her afternoon tea.
And she felt—literally, physically felt—that feeling drain away when she heard a high-pitched “Eeeeeee!” followed by a pink pony entering the room.
“Ohmygosh! This is so great!” squealed Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, bouncing around the room. “Is it true? Have you really finally found a pony you want to be your special somepony and you need my help to confess your love?!”
Celestia managed, with some effort, to resist putting a hoof to her forehead. Luna being involved in all this had been bad enough. What she had forgotten was her sister's ability to take any situation, no matter how embarrassing or awkward, and make it a thousand times worse. On the list of ponies that she wanted to know about this situation, there was exactly one, in all of Equestria, that ranked lower than her sister. And Luna had managed to find that pony and immediately summon her to the palace. That was legitimately impressive; it was almost a superpower.
“What you have just said is broadly true,” said Celestia, taking care to keep herself from gritting her teeth as she spoke. “Did Luna... tell you anything else? Like who the pony is?”
“No! She said she'd leave that up to you. So who is it?”
Silently, Celestia sighed in relief. The one tactful bone in Luna's body had managed to make itself heard.
“I think I'd rather not tell you. No offense, and I'm sorry, but for now I'd like to just keep it to myself. I would still appreciate any advice you have to give, though.”
“Can I guess?!” Before Celestia could reply, the Love Princess started. “Hoity Toity!”
Celestia smiled slightly. “No. But onto the matter at hoof—”
“Photo Finish!”
“I'm not saying I haven't let her take risque pictures of me for her 'private collection', but no. Now—”
“Derpy Hooves!”
“I don't even know who that is! Listen—”
“Braeburn! No, wait, that's apparently everypony else in Equestria.”
Rolling her eyes, Celestia decided to just stay quiet and drink her tea until the other Princess ran out of steam.
“Twilight Sparkle!”
Alicorns are far stronger than all other ponies, but what most don't realize is that it is not merely their larger physical size that gives them such power. The magic that fills and sustains their bodies also contributes to that strength. The magic an alicorn has grows as they age, and Celestia, as the eldest of the alicorns, was also one of the most physically powerful creatures on the planet. Her chest muscles alone could have moved a mountain.
Thus, when she sprayed her tea from her mouth, it was as though she were pressure-washing the opposite wall. Where once there had been a decorative fresco depicting the sun rising over Canterlot was now a perfectly flat section of stone, dripping with tea.
“That's silly, you're right. Sorry for even suggesting it,” Cadance said with a slight giggle. “I mean, that's Twilight we're talking about. Your own student, who you practically raised from a filly.”
“Y-yeah,” Celestia managed to gasp out.
“Well, enough of that. Come on! It's time for your first lesson!”
“W-what?!” cried Celestia, as Cadance began to drag her from the room. “I thought you would just tell me what to do! Give me some advice on how to stay confident when talking to Tw—the pony I love! And I can't just leave Equestria without its Princess to go running around for my own selfish reasons!”
“Don't worry about that, I got it all worked out with your advisers. They can handle most of your daily tasks by themselves, you know. You work too hard, you need this break. And you've been away from the romance scene for far too long! You need some hoofs-on experience!”
“The Prancing Pony?” said the pegasus who was definitely named Sunny Skies and not Celestia, staring up at the sign on the building she stood in front of. Something about the sign, maybe its neon lights, or the way the pony on it seemed to dance, was making her suspicious.
“That's right,” said the unicorn whose name was, despite any Sun Princess's objections, Lovey Dovey. “It's one of the best clubs in Canterlot. I'm not surprised you haven't heard of it, though.”
“Yes, this isn't really my part of town. Not that there's anything wrong with it; I'm just not really the 'go out to clubs and dance' kind of Princess.”
Celestia looked over as Cadance snickered. “What?”
“Nothing. Come on, let's go in.”
“Were the disguises necessary?” asked Celestia as they entered. “I know seeing Princesses can cause a stir, but that's not really a reason to—”
She stopped, mouth dropping open as she took in the scene around her. The Prancing Pony was an accurate name; those ponies up on the stage were definitely prancing, not to mention doing quite a lot of other things with their hips and tails. And now she realized what had been bothering her about the sign out front: the pony dancing on it had seemed to be holding onto an invisible pole. These poles, on the other hoof, were very definitely visible. And the ponies were using them for a lot more than dancing.
“Cadance!” hissed Celestia, turning to the grinning pony next to her. “You brought me to a plot club?!”
“It's a classy one!” Cadance objected, gesturing with her head for Celestia to follow, which she did reluctantly. “One of the most popular in all of Canterlot, like I said.”
“I thought you were going to teach me about love, not lust,” said Celestia grumpily.
“Don't be such a prude, Auntie. Lust is a big part of love. There's no love if you can't appreciate somepony's mind and personality, of course, but there is a reason it's called love at first sight.”
They took a seat near the center stage, ordering a few drinks to blend in and help them relax. Especially Celestia, who didn't seem at all comfortable with her surroundings.
“You seem particularly interested in that mare,” said Cadance slyly after a few minutes, and Celestia hurriedly looked away, blushing. The earth pony had a coat that was nearly a very familiar shade of purple.
“But you seem to be enjoying some of the stallions, too,” continued Cadance. “Are you really into...?”
“Both, yes,” said Celestia, looking down, blush intensifying. “After a few thousand years, your interests grow, and you start to realize there are attractive points to both genders...”
“No need to explain to me. Princess of Love, remember? That means all love. In fact, this one time, at flight camp–”
She cut off as a brilliant light suddenly flooded the stage, and the dancers began to move back through the curtains.
“Oh, no, I knew I should have checked the schedule for today,” she moaned to herself.
“What's happening?” asked Celestia.
“Um, well, you see... sometimes they do... special performances here. With... costumes and such, dancers dressed up like... celebrities, that kind of thing.”
“Oh. So, they dress as guards or nurses, or famous ponies like Sapphire Shores?”
“Yeah, kiiiiiind of like that.”
The unicorn that emerged from the light was tall and slender, with a white coat. The actual color of her mane was difficult to deduce, as it had either been dyed multiple colors or had extensions added to it. The effect was striking, and strangely familiar looking. The reason for that familiarity became clear when the mare moved forward and turned slightly, revealing large cardboard wings strapped to her back and a cutie mark that had been carefully painted over with one in the shape of the sun.
“What. Is. The meaning. Of this.”
“Calm down, Celestia, calm down!” said Cadance hurriedly. “It's just a theme show! Ponies like to see famous ponies, ponies they like and respect, dancing, um, suggestively.”
“Oh, I'll make them dance.”
“I said calm down!” Cadance put a hoof on Celestia's shoulder, pushing her back into her seat. “Do you think you're the only one they do this with? The one who's supposed to be me barely even looks like me. Way too short. Twilight has an impersonator too now, I've heard, and she's supposed to be pretty good.”
The thought of Twilight dancing like that, even if it was in front of a group of cheering, leering ponies, did a better job at calming Celestia down than anything else Cadance had said. Well, not so much calming her down as giving her other things to consider. In fact, taken objectively, this was actually almost flattering. She supposed she could see why her ponies would like this kind of thing.
And that was when the dark blue pegasus, with a horn tied to her forehead, stepped onto the stage from a pitch black corner.
“I am going to bucking kill everypony in the building!”
“Okay, look,” said Cadance, struggling to hold down the writhing pony next to her. “I told you there were lots of them! Do you want to hear about the others?”
“Oh, I'm sure this will be a joy,” Celestia huffed, finally settling down and sitting back with her forelegs crossed.
“Well, I happen to really like the Nightmare Moon dancer—” Cadance looked over at the gagging sounds from Celestia. “Oh, come on! Did you see her flanks? Makes me glad we aren't really related...”
More gagging from Celestia.
“Fine, you think that's bad? How do you think I feel about coming here and seeing a dancer dressed up like Chrysalis?”
That got a giggle from Celestia, and Cadance rolled her eyes. “Yeah, laugh it up,” she said, then got a more interested look on her face. “Speaking of my past villains, I actually really like the Sombra one. They do this amazing thing with fog machines and cardboard crystals… not a fan of the Tirek dancer, though.”
“How does that even work?!” cried Celestia, the dancers portraying her and her sister temporary forgotten.
“Paper-mache torso, arms and head. I think the eye holes are somewhere around his nipples, but it’s hard to be sure with the lighting in here.”
The two disguised alicorns shared a laugh.
“See? There's nothing bad about this,” said Cadance. “It's perfectly natural, and kind of flattering, in a way.”
“I guess so,” said Celestia reluctantly. “I'm just glad you didn't tell me there's a Discord dancer.”
“Ah. Um, no there isn't.” Cadance coughed, clearing her throat nervously. “He... actually comes in here himself for that.”
“I'm going to throw up now,” announced Celestia. “You may want to stand back.”
“We're horses, we can't throw up,” pointed out Cadance helpfully.
“I am a mighty alicorn. If I wish to throw up, my will shall be done. The spray of vomit shall be magnificent and majestic. Poems will be written about it.”
“Let's just watch the show, okay? The dancers are really good, if you give them a chance and pay attention.”
They were quite skillful, Celestia had to admit. Their lithe, athletic bodies flowed easily as they wove across the stage, not dancing together but each one's movements still complementing the others'. In way, it was like watching the dance in the heavens of the moon and sun. Celestia found herself oddly touched by that aspect of their choreography, as the two dancers moved to the center pole and spun around it. Rearing up, the two ponies balanced against the pole as they began to—
“WHAT ARE THEY DOING TO EACH OTHER?!”
This street was quiet and peaceful in the afternoon; it generally didn't get much traffic until night had fallen. But that tranquility was shattered as the door of The Prancing Pony was suddenly thrown open.
“NOTHING BUT ASHES!” howled the pegasus as she was dragged out of the club and hauled down the street by a unicorn using all of her physical and magical strength. “WE SHALL BRING THE MIGHT OF OUR SUN DOWN UPON THEE, TO SMITE THY UNCLEAN ESTABLISHMENT FROM THE FACE OF OUR LAND! THOU WILL KNOW THE FULL MEANING OF FURY ONCE WE HAVE—”
Celestia cut off as Cadance finished carrying her into the mouth of an alley and struck her across the face with a hoof. She looked at Cadance, blinking. “What was that for?”
Cadance sighed and rolled her eyes. “I had to do something to get you to stop raving like a mad pony.”
“Did you see what those dancers back there were doing?!” cried Celestia, waving a hoof back in the direction they had come from. “That was me, and my sister, and we were... we...”
“Yes, I saw it. I've also seen 'myself' doing similar things with Chrysalis, not to mention Sombra and Tirek. Mmm, although the Sombra/Tirek dancers together... ahem! Anyway. You need to get control of yourself.”
“Yes, of course. We don't want any collateral damage, just need to kill the ponies in the club. No innocents.”
“Will you stop it?!” demanded Cadance. “You're the last pony who should be complaining about this.”
"And what is that supposed to mean?!" growled Celestia, prompting an angry sigh from her niece.
“Do you remember...” said Cadance slowly, looking upwards, not meeting Celestia's gaze, “when I stayed over at your palace one night when I was a teenager, and you had to go off to take care of one crisis of the state or another? I started snooping around your room a bit... and inside your mattress I found a notebook you had filled with a story you'd written. The name on the cover was 'Princest is Wincest'...”
"Hey, you know what would be great? Moving along and forgetting anything like this ever happened," said Celestia hurriedly, starting to trot away down the street.
I need to burn that thing when I get back, thought Celestia as she walked. Or... maybe I'll just hide it better.
For a time, they trotted along in silence, Celestia leading the way.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Cadance asked as they neared a street corner.
"No," Celestia replied shortly.
"Are you sure? I am the Princess of Love, and that means all kinds of love—"
"I wrote that along time ago, Luna had been banished only a few years before and I thought things could have been different if—it's not important, it was just a silly story. So let's just... drop it."
"Okay, okay." Cadance managed to stay silent for a moment, then said, "Um, I'm sorry about reading your story. I realize I was kind of invading your privacy by doing that..."
"Don't worry about it," said Celestia brusquely.
"You know, the writing was actually pretty good. You have a real talent for prose—"
“I said we're dropping this conversation,” Celestia growled, jerking her head towards the end of the street. “Now come on, I want to get back to the castle before—”
“Nonono!” Cadance grabbed Celestia's hoof and began to pull her down the street in the opposite direction from the castle. “There's still some other clubs I had on my list!”
“M-more?! After that disaster?”
“They won't all be like that,” said Cadance firmly, dragging the whimpering pegasus behind her. “Now come on. I have so much to teach you!”
“Thank the Goddess that's over,” moaned Celestia, collapsing into the floor of one of the palace halls and letting her disguise fall off. “I think I'm sick of watching other pony's rears jiggle around. You actually made me overdose on that somehow.”
“Oh, stop your complaining.” Cadance naturally looked fresh as a rose; if anything, her energy levels had risen after the day's... experiences. “Being comfortable with others' bodies is the first step to becoming comfortable with yours. And that's the first step to being confident enough to tell a pony you love them.”
“This body has seen empires rise and fall. It has raised them itself, and caused the fall of others. I am perfectly comfortable with my body.”
“Good!” Cadance clapped her hooves together. “Then you shouldn't have a problem with the talk about toys I have planned for tonight! We'll start off simple, with just the basic rubber and plastic ones, but then we can move on to the fun stuff, like—”
Celestia's eyes grew wider and wider as Cadance listed off her 'little helpers' and what they were used for, until finally there was a bright flash of light.
“ —the trick is to relax, of course, because otherwise when you pull them out, they—”
Cadance stopped, realizing she'd been teleported to the guest room and was talking to a mirror. She sighed, shaking her head and rolling her eyes.
“Auntie is such a prude! I almost feel bad for whatever pony she's in love with.”
“That niece of mine is such a pervert! I feel bad for Shining Armor.” Celestia paused for a moment, then gave a shrug. “Unless he's into that kind of stuff, I guess.”
She stopped pacing and forced herself to sit on her balcony to try and relax. Which worked, as always. Very few things made her as happy as sitting there and looking out over Canterlot, the pride of her life.
Well, one of the prides, she thought, an image of Twilight in her mind.
Once she had calmed down, she made herself think back over the day. It had been... not too bad, she supposed. It had been a revelation to find out that her ponies thought of her as something of a sex Goddess. The sheer number of plot clubs that had made some reference to herself or her sister had been disturbing, if somewhat flattering. A small giggle made it past her lips as she recalled a certain 'Full Moon' club. It was a shame she couldn't tell Luna about that one.
Above all, she came to realize, the day had done wonders to raise her confidence regarding Twilight. At the least, she knew that any embarrassment she might experience while confessing her feelings would pale compared to what she had gone through on this day.
A knock at the door caused her head to perk up.
Strange... I don't recognize the knock, she mused as she made her way across the bedroom. Who could be knocking on the door to my personal sanctum that I don't know…?
“Yes? Who is...” The words died in her throat as the door swung open to reveal a small alicorn smiling up at her.
“Hello, Celestia,” said Twilight Sparkle.
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7243496 Where did you find that adorable pic of Chrysalis? I must have it.
Holy crap, this chapter had so many great lines, I really don't even know which ones to quote. They're all amazing. This one really stuck out, though. I really kind of want to see this one, actually. It sounds like the kind of experience you never forget, no matter how much you'd like to.
You know, aside from the fact that I really hesitate to even call this kind of thing 'love', it's a really insightful statement.
need a space between "I" and "don't"
...and Canterlot suddenly erupted in a violent earthquake and fell of the side of the mountain. The End.
(translation: Oh yeah, this will end well.
)
Changeling. She didn't stutter, or call her Princess Celestia.
I'm on to you, Codex.
I honestly pitied Celestia throughout this chapter even if I couldn't keep a straight face.
It seems like you keep forgetting to KISS
Or
Keep
It
Simple
Stupid
Great story all around, I think simple works for this sort of thing, cadence taking her to "strip" clubs is already enough
another great chapter thank you
This chapter was hilarious. I very much needed that today so thank you.
Can't wait for the next one.
i was
during this chapter, and i canso see Discord at the club dance.......
Obviosly Cheeselegs as twilight
wetanz.com/assets/Uploads/lotrMagnetPLASTICPrancingPonylrg2.jpg
Who else got the reference?
7262735 I imagined a plaque by the door, "favored establishment of the legendary wizard, Starswirl the bearded."
...Though they've not seen him for six months.
Without the Princess title?
This is Chrysalis.
"Soon," said cryssie, " soon my plans shall be complete. The three way is nigh."
7262140
https://derpiboo.ru/13793
the facepalms are real
[quote]I need to burn that thing when I get back, thought Celestia as she walked. Or... maybe I'll just hide it better. the moon by chance?
7262387 That's... Actually very clever.
The pressure-washing spit take is a work of genius. I may need to use it in the future.
Huh. I suppose sexualizing the near-conquest of your civilization is one way to cope with it. Now I'm wondering if the rest of the Mane Six have corresponding dancers. And their reactions to learning about said dancers...
I'd point out that ponies have vomited in canon, but Celestia's response is too glorious for me to question it.
Wow. Celestia wrote that story almost a millennium earlier? I'm amazed it survived that long. How many times did she have to transcribe the faded lines from crumbling pages onto fresh material?
As for that ending, this could go very well or very badly. I'm not sure which I'd rather see.
7262328
This is what happens when I make changes my editor suggests, and then post the chapter before they can read it again. Fixed.
O.O don't tell me Cadence shove a flute up her plot, too!!
Great bucking chapter!!!!!
Why.. just why was this the first thing I thought of...?
Now all I can think about is Celestia flexing muscles and what not while at the same time able to hide all her stupid musculature with "magic" and I can't stop giggling like an idiot.
7266195 Murphy sat in his chair of souls, and said " Challenge accepted."
7302628
Heeeeeey Murphy *pops up in front of the throne* when are you going to get going on that list of crap to send my way or have you gave up all ready?
That went better than expected.
cadance...
Stop right there, Cadence.
Like how to hide wingboners in a strip club?
And reach all the way to the stage?
I don't.
Yeah this brings up a good point. The only reason Shining Armor is not just tossed to the wayside by Cadence is because she needs him to rule the empire and to raise Flurry... he seems like a bit of a witless wonder.
I am surprised she was successfully talked out of calling down an Exterminatus.
Or was that foreshadowing...?!
Please, please, please tell me it actually is Chrysalis, lol.
The club scene with the Celestia impersonator had this running in my head:
Credit to LordBrony2040 in Sunset Reset for putting it in my brain. . . And making me want more verses.
Why oh why am I not surprised?
What the fuck am I reading
Sexy Discord Dancing. I imagine he clones himself to dance at all the clubs at once. Sometimes along side his own clone.
lol