• Member Since 1st Jan, 2014
  • offline last seen Yesterday

Dr Atlas


"When I get old, I am going to be: Rice. Frisco style." - Ed 2004

Sequels1

E

The changelings have been leaderless for a while now.
Ever since "The Incident" they've been by themselves without any guidance.
They've tried finding others, but somehow, some way, the leaders they've found have either been imprisoned, reformed, or worse...

Luckily, after over a year of searching, they've found someone who can help.
Someone who almost won a battle against their worst enemy.
Someone who could lead even better than their queen.
Someone who just needed the right amount of subjects to make her plans a reality.

Because the changelings know that Starlight isn't reformed and still wants revenge...right?

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 49 )

Nice story, though I must ask it doesn't seem tragic so what's with the tag?

You kinda left us with cliffhanger there. :applejackconfused:

I see no use for the tragic tag and it feels like a cliffhanger. Other than that I loved this good job!

I like the concept, but it really lost energy at the end. Cutting out some of the middle would help; there's not a lot of meat here and brevity is a virtue if you're going for random and silly.

Pretty good. The only thing tragic about this story is the use of the [Tragedy] tag though, tragedy is best applied where a well loved character dies. Also the A/N... protip: never apologise for what you've just written in the author's note! It makes people start looking for problems rather than enjoying what they just read.

The changelings have been leaderless for a while now.
Ever since "The Incident" They've they've been by themselves without any guidance.
They've tried finding other's others, but somehow, someway some way, the leaders they find are they've found have either been imprisoned, reformed, or worse...
Luckily, after over a year of searching, they've found someone who can help.
Someone who almost won a battle against the battle of their worst enemy.
Someone who can could lead even better then than their queen.
Someone who just needs needed the right amount of subjects to make her plans a reality.
Because the changelings know knew that Starlight isn't wasn't reformed and still wants wanted revenge...right?

Misunderstandings. Fun things.
Now Starlight needs to find a way to iron out the reputation of changelings.
Maybe just one at a time.
Feh, she'll think of something :rainbowlaugh:
A fun read though, good job!

Engage Twilight nerd mode. :twilightsheepish:

She groaned and laid on her back, brushing the blanket that laid across her in anger.

If this sentence is switched to present tense, it becomes She groans and lays on her back […] , where it’s obvious that there’s something not right. As Grammar Girl describes it, you lay something down, while people lie down by themselves. Hence, the above sentence should use the past tense of lie, which is, confusingly enough, lay.

[…] All of them froze with wide eyes. Their minds hitting a brick wall with that statement. […]

The second sentence isn’t a complete sentence. You can either:
• merging both sentences into one using a comma, i.e. […] froze with wide eyes, their minds hitting a brick […] , or
• rephrase the second sentence to form a complete sentence, i.e. […] froze with wide eyes. Their minds hit a brick […]

[…] “Like you said; I’ve done some terrible things, and, just like you […]

That semicolon should either be a colon (i.e. Like you said: ) or a comma.

“See;” It said pointing at itself.

“You’re in the cave. Our home.” One changeling said proudly.

Your dialogue punctuation and capitalisation needs some fixing (those are just two examples). I always link to The Editor’s Blog or Ezn when it comes to dealing with quotation marks, since they’re both excellent resources.

There’s also a few cases where you’ve forgot to put a piece of punctuation (either a full stop or a quotation mark) at the end of a line.

As for the image links, Google Docs unfortunately turned them into their own redirect pages:
https://www.google.com/url?q=https://derpicdn.net/img/view/2015/11/28/1032014__safe_fluttershy_screencap_smiling_animated_cute_looking%2Bat%2Byou_magic_flying_wide%2Beyes.gif&sa=D&ust=1460407555996000&usg=AFQjCNGnv7PNYv4pUbSTpQmwcIwbuhNjIA
instead of the original
https://derpicdn.net/img/view/2015/11/28/1032014__safe_fluttershy_screencap_smiling_animated_cute_looking+at+you_magic_flying_wide+eyes.gif

Disengage Twilight nerd mode. :twilightsheepish:
(whilst sincerely hoping I didn’t invoke Muphry’s law)

These little corrections aside, it was an amusing story, bringing forth a sensible chuckle, especially in Faux-Starlight’s sarcastic hoof-clap – a nice touch. :yay:

giant.gfycat.com/HighInformalKentrosaurus.gif

I could always make it up for a sequ-

oh...right...

Yes. :rainbowwild:

7118463 Woah. That’s a lot of corrections in one paragraph. Mostly past perfects and present tense mixing, but still… :unsuresweetie:

7118974
7118463
Yeah, past and present tenses has always kick my butt...
It's as if I time travel from when I write this story.
So, sorry for the misteks I made while I write this fic.
I fixed it once I got a chance.

It bugs me that Starlight's mane isn't centered on her head, like how irl equines have it.

7119657 Bugging like a queen of the changelings? :raritywink:
(sorry, I just had to)

Oh I don't know, I though the ending was satisfactory enough, even though I kinda want to see Starlight pull this off now. :twilightsmile:

Many changelings laughed. “Pssh, of course we knew.” One changeling in a helmet said. “You’re talking to changelings, creatures that are masters of stealth and espionage, so, ya, we knew you were still with them.

Ah, you thought the background your ally? You merely adopted the background. We were born to it, molded by it. We did not see the light of stardom until we attacked, and by then it was nothing but blinding.

7120058

- Was getting reformed part of your plan?
- Ofcourshe!

Unfortunately, our other ambassador, or ‘speaker’ as he liked to be called, decided to go out on his own along with some other bugs

I got that reference!

7120546 Is that a reference to "Catherine the Great"?

7119267 There should be a sequel to this. Have Starlight bring her new hive to Twilight and go from there.

7120597 It's a universal reference. In stories where Changelings don't have individual names there is ussually a speaker who speaks for the hive.

Catherine the Great is just one of many stories which do that.

I like the story so far, but as some others already mentioned, it really screams for a sequel now with such a cliffhanger :trixieshiftright:

It could be good a sequel of how they try the good side making Twilight the next queen, only to see that they are not good being good.

As a one shot, it lacks a bit of punch. It would certainly benefit from a sequel or being just the prologue. I think it'd be funny to see Starlight slowly working to teach the changelings how to behave in pony society. Granted, there's quite a few stories with the same over all idea, but it's always interesting to see new takes on it.

Twilight is asleep. She is asleep, much in the position of a cat, with her snout pressed firmly between her back legs. It is just so nice. Celestia is already up and has already moved the sun into the sky today, but twilight can just rest. She doesn't have some super important duty that she must preform in order to maintain equilibrium within the world. Something presses at her unconscious awareness. There is a warm, pulsing intensity in her closed eyes. Her mind stirs away from slumber.

Her eyes open OHGODPAIN CLOSE THEM klawhfuiowerfahun Her eyes close. She can still see the bright, pulsing glow from her own rear though her eyelids, inches away. This begins her Tuesday. No Tuesday that starts like that can be good. She pulls her face back and squints open her eyes. Yep, the butt is still glowing. A copy of her cutiemark lifts up from her and glides out of the room, and only her uncomprehending gaze follows it. Her hair is unkempt, almost like some kind of bedhead. She yawns. The mark glides back in though the closed door and moves around erratically, before stopping. In merely hangs and pulses and glows.

With a gasp, Twilight is standing on her bed with an open mouthed smile and something close to sparkling anime eyes. There is no bad day. There are no bad days. To her, this is just an opportunity to see her friends. She is giddily contemplating who else the map might have called. The mark leaves again though the closed door, but she remains on top of her bed for a moment longer, rapidly alternating between standing on two hooves diagonal from each other, and standing on the other diagonal pair while making the high pitched noise that indicates adorableness and excitement, known as a "squee". This is Twilight Sparkle, and Twilight Sparkle is a positive person. After all, nothing bad has ever gone on for any length of time. There once was a time when she never left her books, and that was wonderful. Then, she did leave her books, and she discovered that that was wonderful too! She discovered her love of friendship, and it never conflicted with her love of books in any meaningful way. Her barest insane suspicions were always right, leaving her to never have to face her own ignorance, incompetence, and basic incorrectness, because she was not ignorant, she was right! When she walked out the door, the only things that could possibly happen, in her mind, was that she could find friends, find books, find chances to apply the knowledge she gained from books, and find individuals in extreme and burning need of one of her personal friendship and goodness speeches, which would obviously cause them to actually behave differently, just as it always had before.

Twilight opens her door and steps out to face the new day.

She wondered, "Could it be flutter-shy again? If it was, that would possibly indicate a pattern and some insight into the map's inner-workings. Where will we go? What will it have us do? What if everyone has to go? I hadn't accounted for that! I guess I'm a princess now, and this really does warrant royal funding. I should really find spike." "SPIKE!" she yelled with magical amplification. She returned to thought. "I need to check my checklist checking checklists so that we can go over the right checklists for each scenario. OH! Wait. I should check my 'start thinking about checklists' checklist." Twilight had had a special set of runes printed on that paper, and she simply teleports the 'start thinking about checklists' checklist to her. She opens it up. "1. Is there anything that requires action within the next 1 minute, and which will have negative repercussions if ignored? If yes, halt checklist checking and take immediate action, then check the 'compensating for taking drastic action' checklist." "No, the marks have never been urgent before." "2. Have you slept or eaten recently?"

Twilight stops reading and walking and giggles to herself. "SPIIIIIIKE!" Twilight turns and begins walking for the kitchen. Maybe she would even get to try cooking this morning, or maybe spike already made food.

Twilight notices something. Along the hall, lining the left side and the right side, there are shaved ponies. They are all stallions. They all have yellow eyes. They are all the same height. They all have the same muzzle. They all have the same posture and their ears are all pointed in the same directions. They all look dead ahead. None of them move. Twilight's breathing is heavy but short. It gets more rapid. Her horn starts to glow and she quickly spins around once. Her little heart is doing it's job, OH, SO enthusiastically. Before she can begin to sputter and stutter in a cracked voice, all the stallions speak as one, "Go to the throne room."

"W-wa-wh-who are all of you!? What are you doing in my home!?" They do not respond. "I... I'm an alico-" Twilight sits down. Her horn stops glowing as she closes her eyes does the breathing exorcise Cadence taught her a few times, rapidly. She put on a smile and opened her eyes. "Hello, I'm Twilight Sparkle, the princess of friendship!" She waved at no one in particular. "If you have friendship business that you think needs my attention, I would be happy to help!" No one responded. "So I..." Twilight takes a few steps backward. "IguessI'lldothat." Twilight teleports halfway across the castle, to the doors of the throne room, and opens them.

Starlight glimmer is sitting in fluttershy's throne. Starlight glimmer has that look, the one where her face is pointed a bit to the side and the closer eye is squinting while the more distant eye's eyebrow is raised. She is smirking. She is reclined, with her hooves behind her head.

Twilight is not quite able to comprehend what she is seeing. It is so close to something she knows, and yet, it can't be.

"Welcome home, Twilight." Starlight aggressively postures.

Under this betrayal, Twilight's world comes crashing down. She feels like a tight mesh is collapsing around her heart.

"But no, everything is fine, I'm just the queen of the changelings now. Hey, by the way, we should talk about that, while you're here." The stallions burst into green flames and turn into changelings. They then start to wander and mingle and chatter. Occasionally, a changeling gives Twilight a mean or fearful glance. One of them still looks like a stallion, and he also looks very confused. He runs out of the room.

"OoooOOOoooh... OK." Twilight is looking around with a bit of fear and a lot of wonder.Twilight sits down in her throne. "What did you do with spike?"

Glimmer points a hoof. Spike waves from a small pile of gems in the corner of the room. "He made you pancakes." The world is good. Nothing bad has ever happened. Nothing bad will ever happen. All moments are new opportunities to express your burning love of existence. "They were delicious."

Under this betrayal, Twilight's world comes crashing down. She feels like a tight mesh is collapsing around her heart.

Starlight pulls the plate of uneaten pancakes out and puts it on the map.

Twilight's mouth is now full of fluffy plant-mush soaked in saliva and the sugar-goop known as syrup. She happily nods her head while Starlight goes on about politics or racism or some other friendship thing like that. The world is good. Nothing bad has ever happened. Nothing bad will ever happen. All moments are new opportunities to express your burning love of existence. She runs out of pancakes, and she has no milk.

7121761 But how many changeling story have a Speaker "running away with a few other"?

Nice! I was kind of expecting a comedy of errors, with Starlight Glimmer having convinced the changelings that she was pretending to be good now as part of her secret plan, and that they needed to play along as good citizens of Equestria.

...While Starlight works with Twilight and Celestia to make the pretense come true!

7123472 A speaker actually runing away and leading the escape as a temporary leader?
Almost none if you think he escapes with a couple tens of bugs.
A shedload in fics where the whole hive ditches Chrysalis. An an absolute crapfull of those where the speaker leads after Chrysalis'es death - that's ussually the case, but there are fics where at the end the hive will be at the brink of extinction with the numbers you think abaut.

“Your what? Still not convinced? Because we even have a musical prepared if you don’t-”

oh please do sing!

Comment posted by Dlaf rferg deleted Apr 14th, 2016

This is really some of the best stuff you've written up until the last quarter, where the story and tension sort of unravels and disintegrates with a sad little farting noise.

If you somehow manage to rework the last act to not be a fizzle-out, this could easily be your highest rated story. It's not my baby, but if it was, I would spend some time on it because it would really pay off in the end.

After staring at the ceiling for a bit, she sighed and rested her arm over her eyes,

Not sure if you wanted "arm" to be in there, I assumed you meant forehoof. Moreover...
Awesome story, very amusing. :ajsmug:
____________________________________________________________________

I could always make it up for a sequ-
oh...right...

Yes please, I would love to see where this goes.
____________________________________________________________________
7122572
That was brilliant.
(Not to say you can't do better "Dr Atlas" because who's to say you can't.)

7127773

Well, I kind of assumed that dr atlas had another direction he wanted to take the story and another set of character traits he wanted to give twilight and he probably wanted to have the changelings actually express themselves, since they are kind of the focus of his story. Also, I kind of wrapped up the part of the issue we care about a little too tightly, too neatly, for the story to go on after that, and trying to fix that would take the punch out of my story. Basically, the comment doesn't quite work as a sequel, and someone other then me would end up adapting it into something other then what I made. It's more of a fanfiction of his fanficiton of a show based on an older show. I was kind of considering asking to post it on my own account, with a link to his story in the description.

Really, I don't care what he does with it, though I would just be kind of disappointed that I, personally, selfishly, didn't get to go a new adventure like everyone else when he posts it! You know, because I already know the story.

7127856
You have a well made point.
(Glad you don't mind.)

This can only end well...

Nice fic.

Duh. duh--duh, duh, duh. Duh--duh!.

Cha.:coolphoto:

Haha Starlight is the new Alladin?

Actually, I have to admit that I think the story flows better without the musical number, but still a fun read nonetheless. Brought a grin to my face once I realized what the song was. :pinkiehappy:

Only one problem! :pinkiehappy:

now doubt

Phil could definitely stand in for the Genie, dare I say it (Yeah yeah, I know. Sacrilege!:pinkiegasp:)

OH MY GOD. THAT IS BRILLIANT. It took be a bit, shamefully, to figure out the source, but I had the melody the whole time.

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