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Super Trampoline


"Of all the terrible batponies in the world, you're the least terrible."~PresentPerfect🐴Ponk & GlimGlam are best ponies🐴Text 714-496-3119 with the name of an MLP character to get a cute picture!

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Twilight Sparkle thinks herself a "good girl". But good girls don't have casual sex, do they?

”Twilight's voicing is really strong, definitely the highlight of [this] piece” ~PresentPerfect

Original title, which The Mare made me change: Princess Twilight Sparkle is in a Bed, But It's Not Your Bed, Because I'm Not Beating a Dead Horse. Rather, She is in a Bed in a Guest Suite at Canterlot Palace, Having Slept With a Cock She Met Last Night at the Gala, and is Now Freaking Out

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 115 )

>That name of story

Are... you... even... TRYING... MADAME

7250199
well

He needs to post the whole story on the title.

IT'LL DO WONDERS OH YEAH.

Majin Syeekoh
Moderator

7250204 I think Chuckward tried something like that by posting a significant amount of pi.

The title extended past the popular box and you had to open directly to the chapter to read it.

Downvoted immediately because screw that title.

This story doesn't deserve this many downvotes. It was great.

Boring. Sorry darling. The title made me check the story, but the story made me toss a downvote. Your 'i's need capitalization. It was kind of a funny idea. You could do a great deal with the set up, but it comes off bland and unentertaining. The underline used to dictate Glibbford's speech is....creative in a sense, but you might have done better if you actually put some effort into writing out the conversation. If you need to set up a specific way for a character to speak so the audience knows who is speaking, you might be doing something wrong. Why is there a picture in the story?

I mean, it has no build up. The punchline falls flat. It is completely out of place, especially since this doesn't seem to have a comedy tag. Twilight has passable dialog, for what it is, but none of this follows a three act structure. This is a comedy of sorts right? You can write moments of comedy into slices of life to make a story entertaining, but as it stands now, I don't care that Twilight had sex with some random dude. It doesn't impact her life. It doesn't really call for a sequel, it's a moment that happened and not a terribly interesting one. We don't even get a creative description for your character? You could have had Twilight comment on his beak, his brown hair, his bright yellows eyes...

Wait, he doesn't have bright yellow eyes? How are we supposed to know, you didn't bother to give us a description. Really, Twilight is talking to a voice in her room. We don't know what this voice looks like, we don't know why he's there, we don't know how this happened, other than she got drunk and slept with some random stranger we don't get to learn anything about. Not even what he looks like. It reeks of lazy writing, darling! See to it you try to avoid skimping on your own characters in the future. He might be very interesting, with a backstory I'd love to read more on, but as it stands...

In addition, pairing your OC with a main character (THE mane character) Is cliche and overly done. I dare say it's tasteless Mary-suing. Something you shall want to avoid, dear. It was tentatively swallowable that this happened to Twilight. But to find her lover has pounced Celestia too, takes creative fiction to sad wish fulfillment. If you want to live vicariously through your characters, thats quite alright. But don't expect a warm reception for your 'creativity'

And then theres this:

"I...think I'm good for a few months."

"That's a shame. Soooo, see you at some Hearths Warming party then?"

"Wait, what?! You're leaving?"

"Hardly. Though I do need to get going pretty soon. I've got a presentation this afternoon for the Tourism Board, and right now I suspect I look like shit."

"You certainly smell like shit. Heh heh sorry I kind of just blurted that out."

"I shall chose to consider it a badge of honor. But no, I don't have to leave yet. I just want to know when I shall next have the pleasure of your presence, Princess."

"Well I mean, not to brag, but I'm probably busier than you. I have quarterly reports due tomorrow, and I'm mentoring somepony on Tuesday, and I have delegates from Prance coming , and there are some books that need filing, and..."

"?"

"I, um, think I could clear some time next week."

So...what happened between that first sentence, where Twilight tells him she's good for a few months, and then she's ready to date him by next week? It doesn't make any sense, considering you spent all this time building up how flustered this all made Twilight. And then she shrugs and she's ready to jump right back in with him. Are you paying attention to your own story, darling?

7250199 AND GETTING SO FAR
BUT IN THE END IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER

7250263 Fuck, the keyboard I wrote most of this on a has a broken shift key and apparently I missed a few "i"s when I went back and corrected it. But I'm all ears on how you feel this concept could have been better executed.

I read all of his lines in Silver Quill's voice

At first, I wasn't going to give it a shot, but then I noticed Lord Admiral Biscuit liked it in the comments. He's got good stories and apparently good taste, so there had to be something to it.

Then I gave it a read and was like: :pinkiegasp: and then :pinkiehappy:

Vote run at the time I found this looked bad, but it turns out this is well worth the read. It's a fun little dialogue-only idea.

My 'someone wrote an in your bed story' senses are tingling...

Aw, heck. It's about time I made a group for that.

7250321 I think a lot of people gave me shit for the title. I feel this is a decent story, while The Cabbage Way is uninspired crap but tied for my 4th highest rated story!

7250304 When I heard 'hippogryp', that image popped into my head too. And if helps it along when it seems like something he'd say. I wonder what Silver Quill thinks about this fic.

7250263 thank you for all the constructive criticism. This is the stuff author's dig. Now the question is whether I have it in me to take it to heart and improve myself.

Also I'm addicted to dialogue-only stories.

7250282 Well for a cheap throw away story, it's fine, but if you were trying to introduce your O.C I would rate this as horrid. I'm sorry dear. Look over my previous opinions on the matter in my previous comment below

Not a big fan of the style, but you make excellent use of dialogue to convey their characters. As I'm sure you've heard, your title truly is a mouthful (how'd that get approved?) A few missed capitalizations here and there, but nothing too grevious.

7250350 Dialog only stories are fine, dear, but they must be done well with something for your readers to invest in. It might have been interesting to hear Twilight jabbering away while drunk. It might have been funny to listen in on them while they were making out. It is boring, for her to have an existential crisis, that fades into nothing. Dialog only stories need a certain sense of pose and a strong idea behind the speech. You'll also have to establish a way to distinguish who is talking, where they are, what is going on, and make me, the reader, care to continue.

7250333

Probably nothing. I don't think he hangs around here.

7250378 He has one story posted here called Dodgy Business. It's a good read, but I get it, he most likely doesn't hang around Fimfiction like you or I.

Downvoted because that title wasn't long enough.

Dull. Tries to combine ham-fisted encouragement of sexual openness with crackfic funny-fun jokes, thus failing spectacularly at both endeavors. Also, underlining, bolding, entirely dialogue and random image insert.

0.

7250255 Pretty sure that's where the majority of the downvotes are coming from. If this were derpibooro, your story would be tagged with "op wants downvotes." So... yeah...

That title is by far the most annoying thing about this all. I thought my title was long, but NOPE. At least mine wasn't the summary of the whole thing!

I took the time to read it and it felt flat. Sorry, it got meh-zoned.

7250510 it's just a little odd because I've written stories with titles like this before, generally without issue. In fact the one story of mine that reached the feature box had an equally long title.

7250540 Guessing you've misjudged your audience then. A fair number of people find the 'ponies in your bed' stories groan inducing, whereas changeling stories do have a fanbase. Then add kneejerk downvoters who dislike silly titles, and people who just follow the impetus of the story votes, and you get the perfect storm.

7250561 Not to mention that the story doesn't really make any efforts to overcome said hurdles.

7250561 meh, it's not like I have a reputation for quality or anything. I can tell myself that bad publicity is better than no Publis city.

"You can just say 'Someone'."

No! No you can't! :flutterrage:

Also, geeze, people, lighten up a little.

7250321

Lord Admiral Biscuit liked it in the comments. He's got good stories and apparently good taste,

I wouldn't be so sure about the good taste.:trollestia:

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