Let's make a deal~

warning: cum inflation, belly bulging, huge insertion, gangbanging, etc. ahead3,884 stories ·3,602 members

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concordion

concordion #1 · Apr 16th, 2016 · 4 · 2 ·

I think the concept is good, but the execution could do with some polish. There was no way to expect or believe that out of the blue your soccer-loving pony would know to suggest a gangbang to get what they want, and no reason to believe that AJ would agree to it for any reason. The only reason we can assume she's okay with the deal is if she's super super desperate for a plowing, and that's out-of-character enough that it needs some groundwork laid. If instead you'd had a scene from AJs POV showing that her frustration wasn't caused by the stallions' actions but instead the stallions themselves, then it would've worked a lot better. A prereader would've suggested this right away.

That said, I clopped, and I didn't expect this to be anything more than porn, so take that with a grain of salt.

Misty Spell

Misty Spell #2 · May 8th, 2016 · 5 · 1 ·

“Look, in my country Ponlombia, Life was bucking difficult for quite some time. Both my parents and my grandparents have seen many die in their lifetimes. My country had the highest homicide in the world at one point. Now thankfully the country is a completely different one, with a lot of less violence and more positives. However, we’ve always used this sport to make us forget about the hardships that we would have to endure. We share this common love for soccer amongst other cultures who have suffered similar hardships. In fact, this sport has brought many from different cultures together to beat prejudice and culture barriers. Hell there’s a special bond amongst my own people, that others could relate to with their own,” Ramos explained, pausing to allow his friends to comprehend his words.

Every single letter and punctuation mark in there is completely moot thanks to this little thing called property laws. She still has every right to deny your soccer addicted ass.