The train trip from Ponyville had taken most of the day. My time back at the Guard was a brief hoof-full of minutes. And here I was, a civilian, all before the sun even had a chance to set. If only just barely. The shadows of the city buildings had grown long. I turned over the card in my hoof in the fading light.
- E
I looked at the signature on the back of the gift certificate to The Belfry. Echo, obviously. Or it was somepony trying their best to be just as unnecessarily, irritatingly, mysterious as her. The Canterlot clock tower chimed the hour as the last sliver of the sun slipped below the horizon. The Pegasi Air Corps flew back to the Day Guard barracks, as the Night Guard took to the air, pouring out of the old temple tower. The Belfry. I looked at the card in my hooves again.
The ponies walking past me gave me a strange look. When you see somepony, out on the city street on a Tuesday afternoon or something, with nothing to do and nowhere to go, you just know. You can tell just from looking at them, that they have no purpose. It's not a good look.
"I don't need this," I said to myself. "What good has come of any of this?" It had been a mistake to drag Pound along to Ponyville. I knew that now. And then to get involved with Pumpkin again. All of the work that the Prince and Twilight had done to get me into the Guard. It all just seemed like a waste now. I had let them down. Then there was Applejack.
"I could always go back to the farm," I thought. The orchard was in good shape. The farm house looked as good as new. "I wonder if they made my room up for me," now that they knew that I was alive still. Start over again, a new life, without being yellow and green this time. I chuckled. It would be nice to have my old room and bed. Even if it meant wearing that damn yoke, it wouldn't be so bad. It would still be in that chest with my birthday card and-
the fern leaf
I stood up from the curb. I felt a heat on my face, just as hot as when I had ran around the burning farm. But this time it came from within. I grit my teeth with fresh resolve. I looked towards the Belfry. Out here on the street, I had no resources, no allies, and no leads on finding Sweet Leaf. But there was one pony I knew that had access to a vast network of intelligence-collection. And she had just left me her calling card.
"Alright," I muttered. "Alright. Let's see where this leads." I put the envelopes away in my bag and took to the night air. Flying over the castle grounds, I entirely expected to be accosted by either Echo, or one of the other bat ponies on patrol, for being in restricted airspace. But it seemed like they were deliberately absent. I wondered if that was a good thing, or a bad thing. Especially considering that it seemed deliberate.
Even as I neared the tower, the guards that I had mistaken for gargoyles before were missing. I glided down onto the ledge. I could feel the fur on the back of my neck sticking up as I walked towards the Belfry door. I was wise enough by then to trust my instincts. I could feel eyes on me. I reached out to turn the knob of the door.
"Storm."
"FOR BUCKS SAKE!" I shrieked, nearly jumping out of my fur. I looked up above me as Echo unfurled down from her inverted perch in the shadows. "I almost just killed you just now!"
"I doubt it. But even if you could, they would stop you," she said. In her hoof, in the moonlight, I could see the glint of her service knife.
"They?"
"Hmf. Even if you can't see them, they can see you," she said. I peered into the shadows around us. "Now tell me, what's my name?" I gave her a strange look.
"Why? Are you going to make me ask you twice, Echo?" I said. She glanced to either side of us and nodded. I could hear swords being put back into sheaths. "What the hell is going on?" Echo put her own knife away and dropped down from the rafters.
"Come on," she said as she opened the door, "We'd better talk inside." I walked inside and she followed after me, closing the door behind us. The Belfry tavern was completely empty. I took the card from my pocket and showed it to her.
"You have a strange way of asking me out," I said. She gave me a glare, but it quickly shifted to a worried frown as her eyes darted around the room.
"Storm, we don't have time for your jokes. Things have changed since we went to Ponyville," she said. "The agency is on high alert. The princess asked me to recall you personally."
"What's going on?" I asked.
"We're not sure. But she is going to brief all of us at HQ tonight once the rest of us are assembled. She asked me... to give you this." She passed an envelope to me.
"What is it?"
"I don't know. She said it was for your eyes only," Echo said. I looked at the envelope. It was closed with wax, impressed with Luna's official seal. Echo turned to leave. "Storm," she said, pausing for a moment before turning back to me. I could see all the things she wanted to say flitter across her face. "I hope she's right about you." She turned and left the tavern, closing the door behind her.
I broke open the envelope. The paper unfolded into a message, with a small memory-mirror inside.
Find me where we first met. - L
I always hated scavenger hunts. When I was younger, Twilight would set them up for me and Applebloom. But the prize always ended up being a book. Lame. I thought being a spy was going to be cool. But more and more it felt like a lame scavenger hunt to me. I considered the mirror. I considered just forgetting about the whole thing. Literally. Just go back to the farm and forget about all of it.
"No. That wouldn't work," I realized. Pineapple was still dead. I couldn't just go back to that. I couldn't just forget about everything that's happened. Everything that's made me appreciate the life I had. The life I'll have again, soon. Just as soon as I get some answers from Luna, and Sweet Leaf.
"... where we first met? The garden."
I left the empty Belfry and flew down to the courtyard garden. The trees there were no longer in blossom. The branches looked skeletal. The giant stone chess pieces were just as I had last seen them, where the princess and I danced. But she was nowhere to be seen.
"Princess?" I called out. Nothing. But this was where we had first met. "Or is it?" My first memory of her was in that dream that I'd had, where I was on the peak of Canterlot Mountain. My eyes moved up along the dark silhouette of the mountain against the moonlight behind it. The peak ended in the center of the pale circle in the sky. I took a deep breath and flew up into the night. I climbed higher and higher through the wisps of clouds above the frost line of the mountain. Even in late summer, the mountain still had snow here. I reached the summit at last, landing on the very peak. It was very cold, and the air was thin. And I had been sweating from the exertion of the flight.
"Princess?" I called out. "Princess!" I shouted. I waited. This had to be the place. But I was getting tired of waiting. I was getting just tired in general. I could feel my eyelids drooping.
"Stormageddon," Princess Luna said, getting my attention. I peered into the darkness of the night. Luna walked out of the open sky onto the snow covered mountain.
"Took you long enough," I said. "I want some answers!"
"Storm, there's no time!" she said, "Someone is killing my agents! The situation in Gryphonstone is deteriorating rapidly. This was sent to me." She produced a box and opened it. Inside was a batpony's ear. It had a couple of notches missing. I recognized it having belonged to the bat that was guarding the Belfry door. The one who punched me in the face the first night I went there with Echo.
"This doesn't mean he's dead though, he could still be-"
"The rest of Moonshine's head was in the next box they sent," she said.
"Oh,"
"No one else knows about this. I need your help. I need you to take up his identity and go to Gryphonstone. You need to find his contact there and find out what's going on."
"But if they killed him, won't they try to kill me?" I asked.
"Yes."
"... I refuse."
"Storm-"
"No! NO! I've had it!" I shouted at her. "I've had it with all of this! I don't care anymore! Send somepony else! I'm going back to Sweet Apple Acres to buck apples. At least they give a damn about me! Nothing about any of this interests me! I wanted your help to find the pony that burned our farm to the ground. And I've played ball long enough. What have you done for me in exchange? Huh?"
She lifted the ear from the box. Under it was a fern leaf.
"If they were sending a message," she said, "I think it was meant for you, Storm."
"That's not good enough! I want answers!" I demanded. My breath coming out as a cloud of fog in the cold.
"There's no time,"
"Why not!?"
"Because you're dying." She started to fade away. "You picked a bad place to take a nap."
Storm!
Storm!
"Storm!" Pound shouted, pulling me out of the snow, "Dammit don't do this to me! STORM!"
"Dagobah system...
"Storm! Wake up!" he shouted, kneeling in the snow beside me. My eyes flittered open. My face was caked with snow, as was the rest of my body. I should have felt cold. But I could barely feel anything. He reached into his bag and pulled out a vial. "Hey, HEY!" he shouted, slapping my cheek, "Drink this! Say 'ah'!" I could barely understand him. "Come on Storm! You- you need to drink this!" My eyes started to close again.
"No nonono! Come on!" He panicked and started to sing "Uh, uh, Come on everypony! Let's do some shots! Shots! Shots!" My mouth snapped open on reflex. He poured the potion in, and held my mouth closed, forcing me to swallow it. It tasted like brandy and it made my belly feel warm in the same way. It made my whole body feel warm.
"It's a vasodilator. It'll save you from hypothermia for now, but we need to get you out of here!" The veins in my extremities opened. Blood flowed back into my limbs. My nerves woke up. I could feel. Much to my regret.
"Uh, ah! AH! AHRGH!" My eyes shot open and I screeched in the pain of the cold. He pulled me onto his back. The warmth of his body heat felt like molten lava against my frozen form. I reflexively tried to scramble away. He held me fast.
"You need to hold on!" He tied my hooves with rope together around him. Then he ran. He ran until the ground disappeared. And then we fell.
It was raining. It was a warm, summer rain. The ground was smooth and cool. The water ran down over my face. I opened my eyes. I was sitting on a tile floor. Pound Cake was sitting on the other side of the room. A first-aid kit was spilled open beside him. I was sitting under a shower. We were in a shower room. We were in the barracks shower room, I realized.
"Are you dead?" he asked. I shook my head. "Alright, come on." He helped me up onto my hooves, and gave me a towel. I dried off and he walked me out. The barracks sergeant and everypony watched him and I as we left. Outside, he escorted me to the gate. "What the hell were you doing up there?" he asked. I didn't know what to say. "Storm, suicide is never the solution."
"What!?"
"That's what they think you did," he said, motioning back to the barracks.
"Do you?"
"I don't know what to think."
"How did you know I was up there?" I asked.
"I was sleeping. I had a dream that you were trapped on the top of the mountain. It seemed so real."
Hmff, Luna.
"But if it was just a dream, why did you... why did you?"
"When I woke up, I felt compelled. I was so sure that it was true," he said.
"But, even so... why?" I asked. He stopped. I turned to look at him. He just looked at the ground.
"You can be a real asshole sometimes, Storm. You drink too much, you talk too much, and you act without thinking." He sighed. "But I know you mean it when you say that you're trying to be better. You're not an evil pony. You're just thick-skulled sometimes." He shuffled his hooves for a second. "And in spite of everything, you're my friend. And that's what friends do. They forgive each other."
"You're a better friend than I deserve," I said.
"No doubt. But I am certainly the friend that you need," he said, walking me the rest of the way back to the main gate.
"..."
"..."
"Well, this is me," I said, standing outside of the gate to the guard grounds. "I'm sure you probably need to- get back."
"Yeah, I do. Try not to die out there."
"Are you going to get in trouble?" I asked.
"For saving your life? I don't think so. Anyways, it doesn't matter."
"... Thanks." I turned to leave.
"Hey, Storm," he said.
"Yeah?"
"That's two you owe me."
I looked into the dark window of a closed Canterlot shop. Moonshine's reflection looked back at me. He looked just like he did that night at the door to the Belfry.
"Just this one thing," I repeated to myself. "Just this one thing, this one time. Go to Gryphonstone, find my contact, and get out." I took a deep breath. "And try not to die."
I turned and entered through the main gate to Canterlot Castle, nodding to the other batpony on duty. I entered the castle through the guard access, and navigated the hall to the stairs leading downwards to the wine cellar. In the back, Meadowlark was waiting by the secret entrance to L.A.U.G.H. HQ.
"Moonshine!" he greeted enthusiastically. I smiled back.
"Meadow."
"We thought you were dead! I'm glad you're not!"
"Me too."
"Obviously."
"Obviously."
"Princess Luna said she wanted to see you right away for your debriefing!"
"Of course."
He stepped aside and I walked through the hidden portal in the wall, taking me to the crystal caves beneath Canterlot. There was a flurry of activity. Bat ponies and ponies alike moved about preparing for... something. Something big. A figure dove out of the mass.
"Moonshine!" Echo said. She ran over and wrapped her hooves around me. "I thought you were dead!" She hugged me tighter, and leaned in to whisper in my ear. "You know, I've been thinking about you, about us, dating again. And I was thinking about giving it another try."
I gulped.
"I- I, uh, I need to see Princess Luna," I stammered.
"Right, right. Debrief." She let go. "I'll see you later?" She bit her lip. "Think about it, okay? What I said?"
"Okay..." I began walking away.
"Agent Moonshine," Agent Sunshine addressed me, "This way. Princess Luna wants to see you at once." He escorted me down the hallway. "You know," he said as we walked, "when I heard about Gryphonstone, I thought you were dead."
"Yeah, I've been getting that a lot lately," I said. We stopped outside of the large doorway at the end of the hall. Princess Luna sat at a large desk inside.
"Your Highness!" Sunshine said.
"Thank you, Sunshine," she said, dismissing him. He turned to leave. "Agent Moonshine, get in here!" she barked at me. I walked inside and she shut the door behind me with her magic and locked it, and locked it again. "Take a seat." She motioned to the chair in front of her desk. I did as I was told. She cast a soundproofing enchantment on the door. And then the walls. And then the door again. Then she slung another spell at me, shredding my disguise.
"Holy shit, Luna! It's me! Stormageddon!" I yelped.
"Please, accept my apology. But we've lost several agents. Agent Heartstrings, our contact in S.M.I.L.E., says that they have been tracking an increase in rogue changeling activity across Equestria. I needed to be sure it was you," she said. "You don't live as long as my sister and I do without a healthy amount of paranoia."
"Yeah, whatever you say," I grumbled, shape-shifting back into Moonshine. "So when were you going to tell me that Moonshine was Echo's ex-coltfriend?" I asked her.
"Coltfriend?" she asked back, surprised.
"Yeah. Apparently they used to date," I informed her.
"Oh."
"Oh? Oh! Is that all I get!?" I threw my hooves up. "You don't think that this is going to be a problem!?"
"Well of course it's a problem," Luna said. "My agents shouldn't be getting involved like that. It's a liability."
"Yeah, I know. I already got this lesson," I said, recalling my 'interrogation'. "I find it ironic that it was Echo herself that warned me of the dangers of a relationship."
"Well, that's understandable now," Luna said. "At the time, she thought that Moonshine had been Killed In Action."
"Well, apparently not," I said, looking at myself. "So what is this all about? What the hell is going on?" Luna rubbed her forehead.
"The Gryphon Kingdom is on the verge of war," Luna said.
"War?"
"Yes. War with Equestria." She repeated. "And they're not alone! They've managed to rally the Buffalo tribes, Yakyakistan, and Zebreka to their cause as well. And maybe even the Dragons."
"But this is the first I've heard of this, any of it. We need to warn ponies! They need to know!"
"No, Storm. They do NOT need to know."
"But there's four nations out there ready to bear down on us! We need to prepare!"
"No! There is always a threat of war, or a monster attack, or a demigod of chaos, or a magic-absorbing-fire-spewing-demon that is about to wipe out all life on this miserable little planet, and the only way these ponies can get on with their happy lives is that they DO NOT KNOW ABOUT IT!" she said. I felt ready to throw up. "Right now, our only concern is Gryphonstone declaring war.
"But... but why? Why would they? Why now?" I asked.
"You're too young. But many ponies alive today still remember their fathers and grandfathers going to battle in the last war with the Gryphon Empire. Long ago, when King Grover discovered the Idol of Boreas, it united the divided Gryphon tribes, and gave them pride. It gave them the drive to come together and form a nation. But when it was lost during the reign of King Guto, the nation began to crumble. Their anger turned outward to those more fortunate."
"Equestria."
"Yes. It was a classic case of the haves versus the have-nots. United by greed, their army attacked Equestria."
"And then?"
"Under my sister's command, our forces routed them soundly, driving them all the way back to Gryphonstone."
"And they all lived happily ever after."
"Not exactly. The scars of war run deep," she said. "My sister, in her benevolence, sought to avoid as many casualties as possible. On both sides. That meant that a lot of defeated gryphon soldiers went home to a broken, bleeding country without occupation or purpose. Equestria offered to help them rebuild, but they no longer had a formal governing body. The disgraced King Guto vanished into obscurity. And the citizens were too prideful to accept help from the 'enemy'. And so Gryphonstone remained, lingering in constant state of civil unrest."
"So what threat can they possibly offer then?"
"It seems the 'late' King Guto has resurfaced, and has been allying himself against us with any that will have his audience. They lost the last war. They don't intend to lose this one. L.A.U.G.H. was close to defusing the situation from within. But something's gone wrong. We've lost our entire intelligence network in Gryphonstone. Either they've gone dark, or..." she trailed off, implying the worst. "I hope you can appreciate what's at stake, Storm. We can't afford to fail. Or else your farm will not be the last thing you see in flames before the end."
"Why me? I'm not the right pony for this!"
"You're right, Storm. You are not the right pony for the job. You're the right changeling," she said. I slumped into my chair. "I'm all out of Gryphons. Once you get to Gryphonstone, find our Gryphon contact, or ascertain his fate and, if need be, take up his identity." She passed me an envelope. "This is his dossier." I opened the envelope. It had all of his information. What he looked like. Where he should be located. Aliases. Everything.
"Heh, his name really is Griff."
"And... you'll be needing this one as well." She gave me a similar envelope labeled 'Agent Moonshine'. I opened it. A set of keys to his Canterlot address fell out. She continued to speak as I looked over both sets of documents. "Find out what you need to in order to get yourself close to Guto. Without him, the support that he has gathered should fall apart," she said. I raised my eyebrows.
"Without him?" I asked. She shifted in her seat.
"This... may be a sensitive subject for you. But Agent Heartstrings reported that S.M.I.L.E. is fairly certain that Guto has been dead for some time. His former kingdom is likely being led by an impostor."
"A changeling, you mean."
"If you should get the chance, Storm, you need to neutralize him."
"Neutralize?"
"Do I really have to spell it out for you?"
"No."
"Is that going to be a problem?" she genuinely asked.
"Killing?"
"Killing a changeling." She said. I looked down at the papers in my hooves and stuffed them back into the envelopes. I put them in my bag and gripped the house keys.
"If I do this, just this one thing... I want answers."
"Storm, if you do this for me, I'll tell you anything you want to know. Nothing held back. I promise."
"You promise?"
"I promise. I swear on my magic," she said.
I was a little taken aback. Promises mean more to a unicorn than a normal pony. There is a power in words. For a unicorn, or alicorn, to go back on a promise, especially one sworn on their magic, it could mean consequences on their abilities. The bigger the promise, the bigger the consequences. Luna would be a mare of her word. She had to be now.
The answers I wanted felt like they had been worth anything and everything for so long. And now I could feel them within my reach. My eyes drifted to the box beside her desk that'd had Moonshine's ear in it. The fern leaf rested on top of it. Everything I had ever wanted out of all of this misery, it came with an equally high risk. I would get it all, or die trying.
"Well then..." I sighed, "Gryphonstone it is."
--------------------------------------------------------------
Luna dispelled the sound wards on the door and walls.
"Go on," she said, waving me off, "Go back and join the others in the main hall for the briefing." I walked out of her office, back to the main room and took a seat. Echo spotted me and moved over to sit beside me.
"What's going on?" she asked in a hushed tone. "What did she want?" Before I had a chance to answer, Princess Luna took the stage.
"I'll tell you later," I whispered back.
"Fillies and gentlecolts," Luna began, "The last sixty hours have seen some extraordinary developments in Gryphonstone. Particularly concerning the 'late' King Guto. The intelligence that we've gathered strongly suggests that he has been gathering allies in an effort to launch a massive offensive against Equestria."
"Guto? Alive?" somepony asked.
"After a fashion," Luna said. "Agent Heartstrings, if you would please?" She motioned to Lyra. The mint-green unicorn walked up to the podium.
"Thank you, Your Highness. S.M.I.L.E. has been tracking a number of reports on rogue changeling activity. We believe that a changeling has taken the late King Guto's identity and has been using his influence to gather his forces. Agent Raven?" The unicorn in the back dimmed the lights turned on the projector. "This is a recent photograph from one of our agents in Gryphonstone. Does this Gryphon look like he's 118 years old?" she asked. The gryphon in the photo looked elderly, but not 118-elderly. "We believe he is doing this in Gryphonstone under the banner that Equestria has actually stolen the Idol of Boreas. As well as making a host of other empty promises to extremist factions of other nations, to include the Buffalo tribes, Zebraka, and Yakyakistan."
"What news from Draconia?" another asked.
"We have yet to receive word from Princess Twilight's ambassador," Luna said. "But we must be ready for the worst."
Murmurs rose up from the crowd. The combined air power of the Gryphons and the Dragons would be too much for the Pegasi Air Corps. And there wouldn't be enough Unicorns to divide into a battle on two fronts. The Earth pony reserves would be able to do little against a Buffalo stampede blitz, especially if the Yaks were augmenting their forces. To say nothing of the Zebras and their potions supplementing their troops. By the power of the Alicorns and the Elements of Harmony, Equestria may yet still not lose. But it would hardly win. The loss of lives on both sides would be catastrophic.
"By the Elements! What do we do!?" one voice rang out.
"Well, it's simple, really," Luna said. "We kill the king."
"Well if it's so simple, why haven't we done it yet!?"
"Because, we can't just kill him," Luna said, "We can't risk turning him into a martyr by Equestrian hooves. It would only bolster his forces. We have to kill his name. We have to disgrace him, and reveal him as a changeling, publicly. Once the deception is revealed, word will spread. The Gryphon tribes will fall apart once more. And no one nation would attack without the promise of the grand alliance. The sheep would be easily dispersed without the shepherd."
"So certain are you," I said. Luna glared at me.
"I am certain, because I remember," Luna said with conviction. "I'm certain of Equestria's future, not because of the path that lies before me, but because of the path that lies behind me. Because I remember that for over a thousand years, Equestria has faced revolutions, monsters, wars and worse. I remember when the dragons broke our walls and burned our fields. Walls can be rebuilt! Fields can be resown! And after over a millennium of conflicts, I remember that which matters most: We are still here!"
A cheer of high-pitched skrees rose from the crowd as they got to their hooves. They began to file up to the front of the room to collect their assignments. Most were to be scattered in three days time to spread the word about the 'false king' to his allies. Only one agent would be sent to Gryphonstone, since too many would raise suspicious attention.
I was going in alone.
"You?" Echo asked me. I nodded. "Your Highness, I should be the one going to Gryphonstone! Griff was my contact."
"Precisely," Luna said. "He was your contact. We can't know that he hasn't been compromised already. And you've been to Gryphonstone too much already. They know your face. And perhaps your name also. It's too risky. Griff knows Moonshine just well enough to recognize him without it being a liability," she said, looking at me. "And he's already been briefed on the matter."
"And where's Storm Cloud?" Echo asked.
"Storm Cloud is still too inexperienced. He will not be a part of this operation. He's on a separate assignment in Cloudsdale." She gave Echo an envelope. "You have your assignment, Agent Echo."
"Your Grace." Echo nodded and backed away in deference. I could see that her jaw was clenched.
"You had better get some rest," Luna said to me. "You leave Canterlot Train Station at first light."
"You got it, Loony," I said. That was not smart. I was about to leave when I felt a pressure in the back of my leg, making my knee buckle. A pinch in the base of my neck forced my head up from the impromptu bow. I looked up at Princess Luna. Her horn glowed faintly. Her expression was neutral.
"I beg your pardon?" she asked with a soft, even tone that belied her anger.
"Your- Grace," I managed.
"Ah," she said with a forced smile, releasing her hold on me, "such good manners befitting of such a polite gentlecolt."
Note to self: do not cross Luna.
I left the headquarters portal and walked up and out of the castle. Away from the palace gate, I rubbed my neck and began to navigate my way to Moonshine's home. My home now, I guess.
"Moonshine!"
I turned and saw Echo following me.
"Hey," I greeted.
"So..."
"So?"
"So, Gryphonstone, huh?" she asked, nervously.
"Yep."
"Nervous?" she asked. I wasn't sure. Did Moonshine get nervous? I kept my response neutral.
"Mmm,"
We walked together for a while in the streets of the Canterlot night.
"So... have you thought about what I said?" she asked.
"It's... been kind of a busy evening," I said.
"Yeah, I know, but..." she trailed off. I had never seen Echo act like this. She was always so sure of herself. And now here she was, tripping all over herself like a little school filly. It was really quite endearing. "It's just that, with everything going on, it's just so- hard. You know? We have to be tough all the time, and act like nothing ever gets to us. It's hard on your soul."
"Well, you should do something that's good for your soul then. You know, like playing an instrument, or painting or something."
"Or something." She stopped walking and took my hoof, pulling me to her. Before I knew it, she was kissing me. For a moment, I felt conflicted. I understood that changelings would assume the identity of others to feed off the love meant for them. But I had never done it before myself. I felt the love radiating off of her for her ex-coltfriend. I knew it would break her heart to tell her the truth. Besides, I reasoned, I'll probably be dead soon, too. Reason fled from my mind as I melted into her kiss. It was a flavor of love I had never tasted before. It was wild and hot and spicy. It was lust, and passion. She pulled me along up a small set of stairs to a door. She opened it with her key and stepped inside.
"What are you doing?" I asked as she stood inside the doorway of her home.
"Something else that's good for the soul." I looked at her. She made it pretty clear that she was waiting for me.
"May I come inside?" I asked. She smirked, pulling me by the hoof.
"Yes. Or wherever you like."
Even when trying to be a good guy, Storm still manages to F*** with people. I can't wait for the next chapter!
well now I never saw this cuming.
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Too convenient. While I could get Chrysalis(assuming that's who it was) leaving a fern leaf as a signature to Storm for burning down the farm (if she did) given her Sweet Leaf disguise, it doesn't make sense for her to use it with Moonshine's head, since as far as she knows it would mean nothing to Luna. Unless she knows Storm is a part of L.A.U.G.H.(in which case they've got another big problem), it just seems like another carrot on a stick to make Storm jump through Luna's hoops again. I'm not sure I trust her to keep her word either, magic oath or not, since she STILL has the sword on his neck about his identity as a changeling, something that is becoming borderline stupid of her to not inform the other agents of, especially now that she has him going behind enemy lines impersonating others while they're knowingly going up against other changelings.
And you just know this thing with him pretending to be Moonshine to sleep with Echo is going to blow up royally, but that's actually his own fault there.
Nice Men in Black speech by Luna. Always something clever to be found in these chapters.
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Yup, those were pretty much my thoughts when I read it. Luna probably lied about everything she said, just so she could send him to confront Chrysalis. That leaf only tells me she's been being doing it all story.
I'm not sure about all these movie references, at least not when the stakes are being raised so much. Some serious stuff happening doesn't exactly combine well with Men in Black. Regardless, isn't the story in this chapter being rushed? Everything is happening all at once, at a such a rapid pace, that we don't even get any time for reflection from Storm about what's going on. (Which could be a deliberate ploy by Luna)
7886199 7886354 Firstly, Thank you. I love you both. These comments are extremely helpful for me and my craft. It actually makes me giddy to read such insightful comments pertaining to the story. It means so much to me to see how much you guys care! Luckily, my editor and pre-reader has already asked many of these ("Why would they do that?") type of questions already.
Remember when, last chapter, I commented this story was burning me out? And you said:
You lied to me.
No positive shift in tone, and if anything we know less than the previous chapter. Top that off with the cliff hanger, which has two ways of playing out that make sense. Storm goes in with Echo and fumbles through and gets caught. OR, Echo already knows something isn't right and has taken him home to get answers. Both scenarios will leave him being one upped again.
And lets rewind back to Luna promising answers. Again, they have been put off. Again, there was no hint. Just a single promise that if he makes it back, and so far this seems like a big if, he can finally then ask to his little buggy hearts content. But only if he makes it through the as so far alluded extremely dangerous mission. And how does she know the fucking significance of the fern leaf again? This might be me not remembering correctly, but did he ever even tell anyone aside from Shining Armor about that? Did he even tell him about it?
Fuck's sake man. You keep asking for patience and to just 'read the next one', but we're 15 fucking chapters in, with over 62 thousand words on the metaphorical paper. Can we get a little goddamn info for once? Most short stories are already crescendo event-ing at this point, if not at the very least having the BBEG finally revealed.
Holy fuck, this entire thing is getting me so bent. It's like, every chapter that comes out, I'm so close to enjoying it at any one moment, but nothing ever comes all the way through and really clicks.
I know I'm just one random dude you've never met before, but I'm gonna share my opinions anyways. This story is like those cats gifs you see where they jump off the railing or whatever to get on a wall or something higher than them, and then instead of making it to the top in a graceful leap, they plow head first into it, just short of actually making it. If the cat was this story, and mildly entertaining was the level it was trying to reach, that is.
I want to like it, it just keeps yanking the fun away from me at last moment, and that isn't good writing, it's just frustrating, and being frustrated isn't entertaining.
Now, when the next chapter comes out, I'm probably going to sit there for a long while, trying to decide if it is worth reading. And that sucks because I know you write good stories. I don't watch people that write garbage (in my opinion). You really are what I consider the top 5%, and this is really doing a number on me.
Jesus Christ, this getting to me too much.
Since Lesolan beat me to the original rant I was was gonna do, let's take this a couple steps further and look at some specifics.
The fact that this chapter was just more of the same thing that's been happening throughout the whole story so far, what with Storm constantly getting dicked over and dragged around has already been covered, so let's move on to this war... thing. I gotta say, I really could not care less about the war. I get that it's supposed to be a big, dramatic event, but it really falls flat for me for one big reason: I don't actually care about any of the characters that are currently getting hurt by it. Every character in this story has been such a massive dick at every turn that now that they're getting hurt, I don't care. The one and only character that I legitimately like other than Storm is Applejack. She's the only one that actually seems like she really cares about Storm, wants him to be happy, and regrets that she can't tell him the one thing that would really make him happy.
Everyone else? Fuck 'em.
Which leads into the next point: Sweet Leaf. You tried to make it seem like Storm wasn't being forced into this war thing by having that moment where he contemplated walking away, but it fell apart at the moment where he remembered Sweet Leaf. His whole reason for going through with a mission that even he believes is going to kill him is because she burned down his house. Except that nobody but him cares. Literally no one else in the entire story cares that the house was burned down. No one was hurt, no one was scared, no one was threatened, and as far as the Apples were concerned that was just another normal Tuesday afternoon. So rather than feeling like he made a real choice there, it felt like he was just once again being railroaded, except this time it was by the author instead of the characters in the story.
And as for Sweet Leaf herself, why do we care about her? All we know about her is that she's apparently a most wanted criminal for... something. We've never been told why she's wanted; we've never seen her actually do anything except maybe burn down an empty house, and even now, all these chapters later, I'm not sure what the point of that was. Is she supposed to be a master thief? An enemy spy? A mass murderer? Did she steal forty cakes? So now she's supposedly mailed Luna the head of some bat pony we don't care about, except that we know so little about her (and care so little about the alleged dead guy) that rather than being a terrible, shocking event it's just... a thing that happened.
I'm not even going to say anything about the fact that Luna evidently expects him to be able to impersonate a bunch of people that he's never met before and go toe to toe with not only every enemy counter-intelligence agent in the griffon empire but an apparently most wanted criminal as well, even though they've already successfully rooted out and killed all of her best, most experienced agents, and he has no real training or experience at all.
I just... I want to like this story. I really, really do. When it comes to the individual scenes and the quality of the writing itself, this is really good. And you've made Storm a character that I really like, a character that I really want to see succeed, but a lot of the plot development is making it really, really hard to stick it out.
7887857 7886965 I'm sorry. I didn't mean to lie to you. I was wrong to make a promise like that.
Please don't think that your criticisms are falling on deaf ears. They are all entirely valid points, and very helpful. I won't make any more requests for your faith. It would sound just as hollow to me at this point. I'll post the last two chapters together as soon as they are finished.
This was my first serious attempt at a first-person-limited narrative. We only know and understand things as far as he does in the given moment. And I just wanted to tell you that it is just as maddening to write, as it is to read, even when I already know the big picture as the author. But the things that are happening to Stormageddon, and the way characters are behaving, are all for a reason.
If you feel jerked around, and angry and impatient, demanding answers, it's because so is he. If you feel confused, and uncertain about the characters' motives, it is because you are meant to. My goal was to put the reader in the head-space of the protagonist, and push them out of their emotional comfort zone. And, to that end, perhaps I did it too well. In hindsight, from the perspective outside looking in, it does come across as over-the-top.
I don't know how most writers brainstorm. But for me, for this, I knew how it was going to end from the very first moment. The scene, the dialogue. I've watched it in my head a thousand times now. When I wrote the outline for this story, I worked backwards from that. Perhaps that was my fatal flaw in this story, to hinge so much on the ending for a story that I've been releasing one chapter at a time. If nothing else, it's been a learning experience for me.
I think it will be worth it when it's all done. But it's not something that I can rightly promise. I can only hope that it doesn't disappoint you guys.
I guess I'll find out soon enough.
7888104
I think their criticism is a bit silly, this is a mystery, you're not suppose to know all the answers—that happens to be the whole point! A good mystery shouldn't be rushed either, and that was one gripe I had about this chapter—that things moved too quickly. If people are too impatient then the only remedy is to release 15-20k words chapters at a time. Because chapter updates aren't a very ideal format for this genre, which is why I think the story will be at its best when completed.
That is the best way to do it, period. If there is a flaw somewhere I would speculate it being a lack of feedback. A good way is to simply ask a reader directly what they think is happening, rather than relying on the comment section to tell you. People tend to be more honest face-to-face.
I read this on a 11-hour flight, so thanks for the entertainment. I'm fairly confident I got the story figured out, because the alternatives are a bit bonkers. PS: Please don't turn this into a war focused story—it never ends well.
7888521 Thank you. I'll admit, it's fun watching the theories abound over the course of the story. Some people have some parts figured out. And that's a good thing. It means that the trail of bread crumbs isn't so far off the beaten path that the destination will be completely out of left field. But, so far as I can tell, no one has figured it all out. The ending should be at least somewhat of a surprise for everyone. And no, this will not be a war story.
7888698
I hope you'll keep writing mystery even after this one. I also have to share a quote that peaked my interest in the genre.
7888912 I'd like to again at some point. But it's not in the foreseeable future.
For now, I'm looking forward to writing a light comedy once this is finished.
7898362
Shakespearicles will suffice.
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These guys are basically saying everything I wanted to.
I want very badly to like this story. Mechanically speaking the writing is clever and fun to read, and Storm is a likable asshole (which is really hard to do and such a treat when done right). The problem is almost every single named non-Storm character in the story is the unlikable kind of asshole, and the sheer overbearing assholery makes the whole story fall right into the Game Of Thrones trap where eventually I just start hoping the dragons eat everyone just to put the few good people out of their misery.
Storm's continuing motivations are starting to lose sense. He doesn't need to go through all this bullshit to find out about his parents. Once it became clear everyone was going to give him increasingly sadistic runarounds for it, all he had to do was impersonate Twilight and strike up a conversation with Applejack. He'd have learned just about everything within two minutes. The mystery of it is fine in itself, but he has too much access to people who know all the answers and just aren't telling him because they like stringing him around like a toy train despite ostensibly being good guys.
Chasing Sweet Leaf made sense at first but doesn't so much anymore. We as readers suspect that she's both Chrysalis and Storm's mother, but he doesn't. Storm's too selfish and been dicked over by ponies too often to believably go on this kind of crusade for the sake of the Crystal Empire. His entire vendetta was based around how she got him arrested (which he got out of pretty quickly) and burning down the barn (which is apparently a regular and trivial occurrence). And then the military itself and LAUGH proceeded to do far worse to him than she ever did.
Hell, I'm still not entirely convinced Sweet Leaf actually burned down the barn. Storm told Shiny (and by extension every official in Equestria) Sweet Leaf's appearance and cutie mark. Knowing Luna's kind of outlandishly horrible shenanigans here, she's actually higher on my suspect list just to press-gang him into the military and then into LAUGH -- and I'm not discounting Shining Armor from being in on it for the same reason.
Not only does he basically have no stake in this upcoming war except to protect the Apples, but if anything he has more of a stake by now in seeing Equestria lose.
And all of this is saying nothing of how monumentally stupid it is to try and sweep an impending war under the rug. This isn't the Men In Black trying to cover up planetary destruction by entities whose existence is already classified information. This is a (presumably very large and widespread) surge of warmongering and casus belli in four different neighboring countries that ponies are still traveling to, some of which were canonically allies not that long ago. That's not just going to magically escape everypony's notice.
This chapter lost me the scenes were inconclusive, and just made me say wtf is going on. I want to like this, but the chapter was hard to read it feels random.
Oh no
Just finally got around to rescuing the epub of this from my read-later folder.
My immediate reaction to this? "Go ahead. Fuck with me, and Equestria burns." Storm isn't used to realizing he has the upper hoof, is he?
7912750
Thanks for taking the words right out of my mouth.
Wait, there's only two chapters left? There is so much unanswered and unrevealed, not to mention all of the the plot and character relationships that have yet to be concluded.