• Member Since 8th Mar, 2016
  • offline last seen Sep 18th, 2019

RainbowdashieCloudsdale


Im from the Netherlands!!!! 16 Years and counting. I'm a: Writer, Artist and Gamer. and Rainbow Dash is the best!! im also a beginning music producer working together with mr reader.

E

On one day a new pegasus colt joins Scootaloo's class, but Scootaloo isnt able to keep her eyes off of him.

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 51 )

Rumble was a young, light grey pegasus colt with a wild, dark blue mane.

Jet black mane, actually. Otherwise, awesome.

7100072 haha, thanks for the comment! :scootangel:do you think i should change it?

Hey there friend! Sweet start of the story might I say.:twilightsmile:
Although, I do have spotted some errors and small points that grabbed my attention as I read through.

On one day a new pegasus colt joins Scootaloo's class, but Scootaloo is'nt able to get her eyes of him.

*Off of him*

Friday at 8 PM

While the use of AM/PM is good, know that some users may have no knowledge of what am/pm stands for, or which means what. I would say, for better reading for those who don't know, change it to; "Friday at 8 in the evening." Just a thought.:twilightsmile:

sometimes say dumb" things

It would be better to change these into singular apostrophes, since the " is used to show when a character is speaking, not for emphasizing a certain word.

“Okay i will see you all next Monday, and don’t forget your assignment!” Miss Cherilee said.

Capitalize the i. This is needed whenever you use separated from other words, or in *I'm*. Cheerilee*

Uhm… i forgot about the assigment… and now i still don’t have anypony to work with me.”

Same as the one above here.

“Okay miss Cherilee, but… uhm…. what was the assignment about?”

M must be capitalized since it is a title. Cheerilee*

Now, they both entered the living room.

Quite sudden end of the chapter.:moustache:

The chapter is a sweet beginning. Only I think it is cut rather short. There could fit more in the time Scootaloo is at school, or you could extend the chapter more.:twilightsmile:

Cheers!:yay:

Beware of Rumble foal-sitters.

7100749 wow, Thank you soo much for this. :scootangel: i will make the changes you said. :scootangel:
And what do you think of my self made cover art? :pinkiehappy:
Thanks again :scootangel:

7100950 ?? What do you mean (not a reference to a certain song mady by a certain singer :rainbowlaugh: )
Sorry for not knowing this,im new to the fandom :derpytongue2:

This story is officially on the popular stories list :pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

7101813 I hate to say this but that means nothing. Almost everything gets on that list, there was a story with no like, comments or views and still got on there. Sorry dude, just being honest. :twilightsheepish:

7101693 I know Rumble has an older brother but I've also heard he has foal-sitters.

chapter 2 is work in progress.. im currently working on it. stay tuned for more :scootangel:

7101689 It is for me an honour to help out where I can.:moustache: The art is a nice and funny piece, it fits well with how you describe the persona of Scootaloo and Rumble.:yay:

Very cute so far. Lazydrill seems to have covered all of the grammatical errors I spotted, so I'll just leave it at-

"Looking forward to the next chapter. And good luck!!" :pinkiehappy:

7110548 thank you very much for all of the support you all give me :scootangel:

7110548 chapter 2 is written and its now being edited by my editor: Just A Random Pegasus. Chapter 2 will soon be Online! :scootangel:

In the description, change 'is'nt' to isn't. Otherwise, can't wait for more!

7139941 thanks for the tip, and chapter two will be online soon so stay tuned! :scootangel:

I am looking forward to the next chapter, keep it up RDCD

7150964 thanks! Chapter willbe online when i come back, so in 2 weeks it will be up! :scootangel:

I decided to suprise you all by uploading it a lot more early then planned. I'm still on my holiday so I won't be writing now. Have fun reading chapter 2! :scootangel:

Pinkie is a shipper confirmed.

“Uhhm… Rumble...i.. uhm.. i.. My wing is injured, so i can't fly.”

I*

“But may i ask….”

I*

Oh Rumble... only if you knew...:moustache:

Ano interesting chapter, curions to see what happens next concerning Scootaloo's wing and Rumble.

7161431 haha, Im going to repair those mistakes next week when I'm back from my holiday. Thanks! :scootangel:

At author's request, giving this fic a review.

Grammar.
As noted in comments, could use fixing.
Not horrible, or anything and I've definitely seen worse, but I will never understand the level of uncaring you need to publish stuff that Word spellchecker can fix.
Especially capitalizations. Your "I"'s and "Pegasus"-es should be consistent within the fic and with basic English grammar.
Capitalization means the difference between "I helped uncle Jack off a horse" and "I helped uncle jack off a horse". Mind it carefully.

Style
Straight off the bat - vocab could use improving. Word repetition is a bad thing, more so in the first two sentences.
Do smack your editor upside the head for missing it.

Thinking is worth denoting with italics, I think. Quotation marks are not wrong by any means, but italics are a more common convention.

The day passed, and Scootaloo had never felt so good as she did now.
ZOOM! WHOOSH! and the day just flew by. That's a piss-poor transition. At the very least have a courtesy to describe what happpened during that day, otherwise writing out five minutes of the first class and then whooshing the whole day is whiplash-inducing.
And it keeps on throughout the fic!
If you want to do "Scootaloo/Rumble moments" sort of scattered in time fic, you should just take it as a format and just stop trying to make it a coherent story and concentrate on moments. Just separate them out by out-of-story denoting them with some sort of timestamp, and do the scene, move to the next. Otherwise this whole fast-forward thing betrays lack of things to write or desire to actually put in the effort and the wordcount towards story development.

“Hey, what do you think of Rumble?” Scootaloo asked, her wings spread.
Sweetie Belle answering, “I think he is very nice and cool!”

Ugh. Just... ugh.
(a) "Answering" is even grammatically wrong. Smack your editor again for this. Then smack yourself.
(b)This whole "he said, she answered" thing is a horrid way to write a dialogue.

Same goes for all the "thought to herself". No one writes like that.

Is it asking to much to separate out the gosh-darned chapter title with a special font? Srsly, if you don't care about your fic to this extent, how can you expect readers to care.

Substance
It's cutesey, sure. But it entirely lacks chemistry, other then the prodigious blushing and nervous stammering, the pacing (as said above) is wonky and the plot is at best by-the-numbers.
This is a sort of decent first back-of-the-envelope first draft, but to make a good fic it would need a serious revision.

7221600 wow, Thanks! I know I'm not the best in grammar. My native language isn't English. .. but I'm getting better every time I write! And yeah... I need to fix some things...

Thanks you very much for this review! And a review on my other stories would be appericiated! (If that isn't to much work off course)

You really like those "Scootangels". XD

Haha I have a story with the same name, life is funny sometimes, liked the story!

7402111 haha. sorry for that! if i knew that I wouldn't have named it like this.:scootangel:

7402497 oh it's perfectly fine don't worry

7410570 okay! XD Thanks! and im happy you like the story!

7441639 Yeah.. that's true!

and... yeah.. it is cute indeed :rainbowlaugh:

Pent up rivals cause strange sexual tensions.

Is there another chapter to the story?

7949555 Im working on the next chapter at the moment. so hang on! it will be online soon!

Comment posted by voidlord22 deleted Mar 11th, 2017

7953102 do you have a relase date plan for the next chapter?

8013263 well.. I had a kinda rough time so I haven't been able to work on it. But it is coming!

8013489 Ok let me know when its out take care of yourself.

Will this ever be continued?

Login or register to comment