Ted Cruz
Ted Cruz
Ted Cruz was next. His campaign manager had told him that he'd do well in a mostly earth-pony town, since they were industrious, hard workers; practical and loyal. He picked Ponyville, because his favorite pony lived there.*
When he pulled his not-ostentatious bus into the center of town, there was a throng of ponies there to meet him, all of them holding up signs with his name on them. There were a few misspelled signs—one bulky white pegasus was holding a sign that said 'Terry Crews', and he looked disappointed when Ted got out of his campaign bus—but that was okay. It was the thought that counted.
He just noticed out of the corner of his eye a Volkswagen van that was barely concealed behind a short hedge and a pile of campaign signs, but he ignored it.
Instead, he picked up a megaphone and started to give a speech. He praised the hard-working Equestrians, and cursed the out-of-control government in Canterlot. He promised to fix the broken system, and make everypony proud to be an American by default. He also inwardly cursed Scalia's determination to keep serving on the Supreme Court despite having died, but he didn't let that color his campaign speech.
The ponies loved it. Every time that he praised their hard-working nature, they cheered. When he praised their loyalty, they cheered even louder.
He spent the rest of the afternoon shaking hooves with everypony in town except for the Cutie Mark Crusaders, who had been grounded as a result of their shenanigans.
Then he went out to Sweet Apple Acres, to have dinner with his favorite pony and her family.
He suffered through dinner—Granny Smith alternately fed him homespun homilies and tried to hook him up with Applejack—and then went out to walk the farm.
His otherwise successful visit came to an abrupt end when he was torn apart by timberwolves in Applejack's cornfield.
Big Mac and Applejack shared a look.
“Ought ta fix that fence.”
“Eeyup.”
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Not bad.
D-d-damn!!!
That's right, folks! The text does say "during good behavior" - and we all can guess what they meant, but that's not what's on the page, right? Besides, Scalia likes his Constitution dead, and why wouldn't he want to be like it?
damn timberwolves, got him good. when i get to the trump chapter. i'm skipping it only cuz i wanna read that one last.
7086564
I'm pretty sure that until his successor is nominated, Zombie Scalia could still take his seat back. It might depend on exactly how the law is phrased.
7086612
Ted Cruz is my pick of presidential candidate most likely to be torn apart by wolves (Hillary is a close second).
I love you man!
You didn't even mention the fact that he's the Zodiac Killer.
az616578.vo.msecnd.net/files/2016/03/03/635925639209019180-699064696_tumblr_o2xb9m5Gz21qgh75xo1_1280.jpg
Dang, this plot twist really surprised me.
No...I like Ted...
That...
Was, ah...
A thing that happened.
A fence joke!
I can totally see BB being a fan of Terry Crews.
derpicdn.net/img/2013/9/19/430801/full.png
ok...
~Leonzilla
7087004
7087198
Ted's hardly likely to bring that up during a campaign speech.
7087973
There aren't enough politicians torn apart by wolves, in my opinion.
7088153
Someone has to
7088154
The same can be said for the whole story.
7088219
Good fences make for good neighbors. Also they keep timberwolves out.
7088232
Oh yeah he would be.
I think Ted would have been more conflicted, since he loves to invoke God, and Celestia and Luna are basically pony gods, but they are also the government, although that's basically what Ted Cruz wants anyway, given his nonexistant-at-best understanding of "separation of church and state"
With Cruz dead, my having voted for him seems kind of pointless.
7088445
But he has a favorite pony. None of the other candidates that I'm aware of do.
7089009
The good news is everyone else's vote was wasted, too.
I hope the CMC weren't grounded for the Sweetie Belle-induced heart attack on Bernie Sanders, cause that'd be wrong!
Normally, I don't tell people my political affiliations, but in this case, I feel like I should inform you that because of you, I have just decided to cast my vote this year for Terry Crews as a write-in. I encourage everyone to do this. Maybe he can be the first president to get elected without realizing he was running.
The only reason I haven't upvoted this is because you have yet to write "Twilight Sparkle Marries Barrack Obama." Afterwards I would fave.
The Timberwolf was subsequently tried for murder by the US Senate. He was acquitted.
Mr. Zodiac should have checked his horoscope.
I think I can see where this fic is going.
7086564 Better than the concept of a living breathing document that "evolves" to the times.
7093374 Jokes about Ted Cruz being murdered on the Senate floor and wonders why he lost his campaign. Joking about your political opponents dying doesn't get you far regardless of party affiliation.
7095325 what's wrong with the Canadian Charter of Human Rights?(Or is it Rights and Freedoms?)
7094827
There's still hope!
Welp.
So far this looking like it'll be an offing one by one.
7099351
it ees Zee Rights and Freezdoms, you scurvy buccaneer!
Gotta say, didn't expect a Breitbart article. Kind of a weird thing to read, honestly.
Inwardly, I was cringing at the thought of what the comments might say, especially about bronies.
8769217
I know, right? Politics is weird.
Yeah, I didn't read the comments for that very reason.