The Anthropologist

by Weavers of Dreams

-5- Monday Part: Five

“You’re in love with a human?” Lyra asked, raising an eyebrow questioningly.

The red mare, one Turnip Time, nodded and blushed something fierce. “Yes, that is correct. Is that wrong? Am I a horrible pervert?”

Lyra shook her head. “Nnnooo, it’s just that… this really isn’t my field of expertise, I’m the mare you call when you have a problem with a human.”

“But this is a problem,” the Turnip piped up, raising her forelegs in a manner that made her look like a dog begging for table scraps. “I can’t keep him off my mind, and I have to know… how can I win him for myself?”

Lyra might have more annoyed if this had been the first time something like this had come up. “I suppose I could tell you some human relationship customs.” The mare’s face lit up like a firework. “But first, just a few questions, if I may.”

“Of course, of course.”

“Are you a xenophiliac?” Lyra asked in a serious tone. Upon seeing that the mare didn’t understand, she sighed. “Is your attraction to him purely hormonal and based in emotions? Did you just see him, a hairless monkey walk down the street, and suddenly felt the urge to pork or be porked by him?”

The mare looked aghast. “Augh, certainly not. I’m not some shallow pubescent filly looking for relief.”

“Than what is the basis for your attraction?”

The mare took on a faraway look in her eyes. “He’s kind, thoughtful, strong, and, above all, chivalrous. The kind of stallion every filly dreams about.”

Lyra smiled and chuckled. “Well, that’s all well and good. But…”

“I knew there was going to be a ‘but’ in there somewhere.”

“Does he direct these traits towards you specifically, or towards every female he comes across?”

The mare looked thoughtful. “He’s kind to everyone, but… I like to think he’s more so with me than anyone else.”

Lyra nodded as she thought up her next question. “Has he applied for citizenship?”

“He’s been an Equestrian for three years now,” the mare stated proudly.

“Age?”

“Mid-thirties.”

“Ethnicity?”

“He calls himself, Italian,” Turnip Time seemed rather proud of her ability to pronounce that word flawlessly.

Lyra wiggled her eyebrows. “Well then, it looks like you’re hoping to snag yourself a real family man.”

It was hard to believe how a red mare could turn even redder. “R-really?”

Lyra nodded. “Family is very-very important to Italians. The bigger the better.” Lyra couldn’t suppress the snickers that welled up as she saw the mare grow redder and redder by the second. “You may be trying to bite off more than you can chew, girl.”

Turnip Time shook her head to remove certain images and cleared her throat. “W-well, I-I suppose, then, dare I ask…”

“Yes?” Lyra said, inclining her head.

“Are ponies and humans… er,” she rubbed the back of her head in embarrassment, “compatible?”

Lyra’s smile broadened and she nodded her head. “Seven or so years ago, no. But, thanks to the magic of arcane sciences, there is a solution. A magic-infused zebra supplement that, when ingested by the female of the relationship, that’s you, will temporarily allow the eggs to be fertilized by a previously incompatible sapient being. Once the egg, or eggs, are fertilized, the spell will wear off, leaving behind healthy embryos.”

Turnip Time was intrigued. “Really? You seem to know a lot about this.”

Lyra whistled a short note and threw back her head. “You wouldn’t believe how many times the subject has come up.” She and the mare shared a chuckle. “But, there is a side effect.”

The mare gulped and began chewing the tips of her hooves.

“Oh, it’s nothing bad, silly,” Lyra said, waving a hoof dismissively. “It’s just that, because of the nature of magic, the children will always take on the species of the female, while retaining certain instincts from the male. So, sorry if that disappoints you, no mutant pony-human babies in your future.”

“That’s if I can find a way to get his attention,” Turnip pointed out. “Can we discuss those human customs now, please?”

Lyra nodded enthusiastically, ignoring her rumbling stomach. “Definitely. Now, first, you have to understand a few things. One, being that humans come from a world where they are the only intelligent creatures, so a relationship with something else could be seen as… bestiality.”

The mare let her tongue fall out of her mouth in disgust. “I certainly hope he doesn’t see me as some barnyard animal.”

“You’ll also have to understand that there are ponies on their world as well,” Lyra continued. That surprised the mare.

“But you said that they were the only intelligent creature there.”

“Well, they call them ponies anyway,” Lyra said with a shrug, “personally I don’t see too much resemblance. They’re ugly, smelly creatures that roll in their own poop and eat their afterbirth.” They both gagged a bit at that. “But, it’s like calling your pet dog ‘Shirts’, and then going to a clothing store, what’s going to be at the forefront of your mind?”

The mare nodded. “I see how this could make things a little complicated.”

“Don’t worry,” Lyra encouraged her. “Just take things slow and make sure he knows that you like him. Human’s don’t have as subtle a body language as ponies do, so you may want to get a bit creative.”

“Such as?”

“If he brings you flowers, don’t eat them in front of him. Wear some nice things around him, just combing your fur dressing your mane and tail aren’t really going cut it. You’ve got to make sure he knows the effort you’re putting into your appearance is for him. But, please, for the life of me, don’t listen those triple-divorcee published magazines I saw you reading out in the waiting room.”

The mare looked a bit put off. “What? But my friends read them all the…”

“Did you not just hear me say triple-divorcee?” Lyra interrupted her. “That’s who writes and publishes those magazines. Mares and stallions who can’t hold a relationship of their own, but give out advice on it anyway.”

“Then why do you have them?”

“Because my assistants keep bringing them in,” Lyra said with a sigh. “I gave up throwing them out a year ago.”

“They can’t be that bad, can they?”

Lyra gave her an incredulous look. “Tell me, as a mare, do the suggestions and ideas appeal to you?”

Turnip nodded. “Very much so.”

“There’s the problem,” Lyra pointed out. “They really only appeal to one sex. Completely neglecting the fact that a relationship is a two-way street. Look out not for your own interests only, but also the interests of others. Words to live by, Miss Turpentine.”

“Uh, it’s Turnip Time,” the mare pointed out.

“Oh,” Lyra said, looking aside. “I guess I misheard.”

“Oh, I get that a lot,” she dismissed causally.

“I bet,” Lyra said under her breath. “So, anything else you would like to know? We’ve still got some time.”

“You spoke of things I should wear,” Turnip said, thinking back. “What sort of things do humans like their females to wear?”

Using Lyra’s knowledge of humans, Turnip Time would eventually rope her man and settle down to raise a healthy family in Stalliongrad. In her off time, she would write articles for her own relationship magazine that caused the already meager divorce rates of Equestria to plummet into near nonexistence.

Lyra was thrilled when she received a letter a year or so after the appointment that Turnip had given birth to a healthy filly, whom she had named Lyra.

Comments

[Sollace]

This.

This one was cute.

[Macross84]

I'm happy for Turnip Time.

[JohnIsOffline]

How the h-
>He calls himself, Italian

[Viper Pit]

take all of my daw's

[GildedSteel]

I'm not sure what I was expecting of this Fic, but Lyra being a professional, helpful, and insightful counselor on human related topics was not actually it. Despite that being exactly the description of the story. Oh well, this is pretty good stuff.