• Published 1st Apr 2016
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Group Precipitation - FanOfMostEverything



Stories set in the Oversaturated World, some silly, some less so.

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The Bacon Crusades, by FoME

Domri Rade hated authority and was angry at pretty much everything. In this, he was like many other fifteen-year-old boys who found themselves with increasingly more testosterone than they knew what to do with. Up until now, he'd channeled his aggression in fairly typical ways: graffiti, petty vandalism, scibbling anarchy signs on anything that would take an Inksharp marker, and so forth.

Even he was willing to admit that the boar as big as a house, a line of green flames running down its spine as it trampled towards downtown Ravnica, was a bit much.

The pig ran facefirst into a grid of golden light, one wall of the cage that had sprung up around it. It gave a squeal like an angry whale and immediately began slamming far too many tusks into the trap.

"Okay," said Sunset Shimmer, who has now standing next to Domri. Her hand whipped out and grabbed the collar of his vest before he could do more than think of legging it. "You are an extremely fortunate young man, Domri Rade."

"Yeah?" He put a lot more arrogance in his voice than he really felt. Sunset was the ultimate authority, after all. Even if she could reduce him to a greasy smear. "Howzat?"

"For one, you weren't in that thing's path when you summoned it, nor was anyone else. For another, the combined forces of Kindness and Generosity compel me to at least hear out your side of the story before smacking you so hard your kids will have bruises." Sunset lifted Domri by the vest until he was eye-to-eye with her, growing a foot in the process. "So talk."

The grease smear definitely outweighed screwing authority at this point. "Roight, see, the bird what tol' me—"

"And drop that obviously fake Hockney accent. You're not a football hooligan, you're a very lucky idiot."

Domri crossed his arms and spat off to the side. "Not very harmonious of you."

Sunset narrowed her eyes. "I could very easily throw you in with the giant pig-god."

"Fine. Look, Indica's usually so stoned she takes five seconds to blink. I didn't think that ritual she told me about would do anything but give me an excuse to burn stuff."

"Well, you managed to summon an ancient, forgotten deity of wilderness, savagery, and destruction." Sunset walked closer to the raging boar, dragging Domri along with her. "I hope you're proud of yourself."

He thought about that. It took a while; he'd never had much practice. "Yeah, actually."

Sunset sighed and put her free hand to her temples. After a few moments, a yellow girl flashed into existence next to her. "Fluttershy, Ilharg. Ilharg, Fluttershy."

The girl looked at Domri like he was the freakiest thing here. "Um... nice to meet—"

"Not him, the giant god-pig."

"Oh." She turned to face the actual Ilharg and cheered up immediately. "Oh! Isn't he a sweetie?"

Ilharg bellowed as though it wanted bloody revenge for every strip of bacon man had ever eaten.

"I'll take your word for it," said Sunset. "Could you go mellow him out?"

"I can certainly try."

As Fluttershy flew inside the cage, Domri said, "She's gonna die. You know that, right?"

"Remember how I said Kindness compelled me to hear you out? She's Kindness. If she can keep my temper under control..."

Fluttershy landed in front of Ilharg after he took a step back in yet another attempt to bust down the cage. The great snout twitched, and he looked down upon her with an earth-shaking snort.

She smiled back. "There, there, now. Why don't you just relax for a little while, and we can find a place for you."

Ilharg glared down, bringing his snout close enough to drench Fluttershy in divine mucus with his next breath.

She patted him on the snout. "Who's a good boy?"

He shut his eyes and, ever so slightly, nuzzled into a palm so much smaller than he was.

Then the green flame spread from boar to girl. And when she pulled away, it kept burning.

"Heh. Heh heh. Hehehehehe hahahahaha HA!" Fluttershy leapt astride Ilharg. "Go! Crush them!" They slammed into the cage yet again.

Sunset facepalmed.

"That's hot."

"Shut up, Domri."


"And, long story short, that's why Applejack's wrestling a god."

"I see," Twilight said in the tones of someone who really didn't, but had no desire to dig further. "And the mud pit?"

Sunset looked at the ongoing spectacle of giant woman versus divine boar within a larger forecage, both combatants stained brown by the arena. "I'm pretty sure some of the Ravnica High students deliberately burst a water main," she said, unsure if she felt more scorn or resignation at that.

"It wasn't our idea!" cried one boy who was wearing what could only be called a shoulder-mounted steampunk selfie stick. "Viewers donated thousands to our Spasm channel. We had no choice!"

"Look on the bright side," added another, who was trying to hide what looked very much like a death ray behind his back. That might have worked if it weren't a few feet longer than he was tall. "If you had stopped the pig a few seconds later, they'd be right over a sewer line."

Cheers rang out as Applejack literally hogtied Ilharg. Sunset just groaned. "You apes are all idiots."

Twilight patted her on the back. "Yes, but we're your idiots."

Author's Note:

I've seen more than one person refer to this charming fellow as "the Bacon God." Him finding his way to the Oversaturated World was guaranteed from that point. And yes, Domri's voice lines in MTG Arena are delivered in a Cockney accent only slightly better than Dick Van Dyke's.

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