Group Precipitation

by FanOfMostEverything

Disservice Charge, by FoME

John Q. Discord:

You may be surprised to receive this letter and the enclosed bill, especially given how you don't even have a contract with us. However, you might not be. You did, after all, use our network to make calls on objects including but not limited to a stove top, a banana, a deck of playing cards, a chunk of wood, and your own hand over the course of the last month. Given how our technicians are still trying to understand how we collected this data, much less what to charge you for it, we settled on a flat five thousand dollar "headache fee." Continuing to abuse our service in this way will be met with the same, along with possible legal action. Rest assured, if this isn't yet illegal, our legal team will do its utmost to make it so.

Nickel N. Dime
Chief Financial Officer, P-Mobile

---

Mr. Discord found himself smiling once he finished reading the letter. "I have the strangest desire to have this framed."

"So, does this mean you're actually going to start using your phone?" said Adagio, flicking her way through the rest of the day's mail.

He smirked. "Of course not. I'll just make sure I don't step on any more telecom toes for a bit. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to see what quality of photos I can take with an actual potato."

Author's Note:

For those keeping track, that's a burner phone, a bananaphone, a calling card, a xylophone, and, as FredMSloniker noted, a handset.

Comments

[FredMSloniker]

For those keeping track, that's a burner phone, a bananaphone, a calling card, and a xylophone.

You forgot 'a handset'.

[FanOfMostEverything]

9351306
Couldn't think of a good pun for that one. Added and properly attributed.

[Malandy]

Is the potato a pun, too?

[Tzardok]

9351354
Maybe a case of potato print?

[Eroraf86]

Glorious. Absolutely magnificent. Discord at his best, and a week's worth of brilliant puns. I applaud you, FOME.

[WanderingPony]

Mmm. Photatos.

[kyubbiman]

Wonderful

[EnderHooves]

9351354
9351480
No no. He's going to take pictures with it, and in these modern times, terrible quality things like cameras, laggy game systems, and terrible internet connectivity, are all compared to potatoes. Ex. My tablet camera is so bad, I'd have better quality taking a picture with a potato!
And other things of such nature.

[BenRG]

Spake the Lord of Chaos:
"If the laws of physics, logic and causality no longer apply to me, I see no reason why I shouldn't enjoy it!"

[Snowdrifter]

Now, Discord missed a golden opportunity in this very community to call people on: words that sound alike but have different meanings and spellings (homophone), an elderly lady (gramophone), a majority political leader (speakerphone), an art exhibit featuring a giant Alexander Bell statue (megaphone), the local observatory (telephone), a pair of glasses (iPhone), a dollhouse (microphone), and Twilight Sparkle (purple smartphone).

After that, I need a tiny little glass of water...

[DraconequusInLove]

For those keeping track, that's a burner phone, a bananaphone, a calling card, a xylophone, and, as FredMSloniker noted, a handset.

those are some great puns. I love it.