Group Precipitation

by FanOfMostEverything

Consumer Retorts, by FoME

The video opened with a smiling Sunset sitting at something like a news desk. "Hello, and welcome once again to Magical Mayhem. Obviously, the last episode is a very hard act to follow, so I'm not going to bother. Today, we're just looking at allegedly magical items from recent infomercials. And when I say 'we,' I of course mean myself and my ever-lovely assistant Twilight Sparkle." The camera zoomed out as Sunset turned to her cohost. "Say hello, Twilight."

Twilight smirked. "I refuse to indulge that running gag."

Sunset barked out a laugh. "That's the spirit!" Turning back to the camera, her expression progressively soured. "Now, first up, we have the Flimflam Brothers' Magi-netic Wonder Bracelet®. Head's up, you'll want to skip ahead if you have epilepsy or other issues with bright flashing colors."

The video shifted to a set of whip-thin, sallow skinned unicorn aspects moving about in a series of jump cuts and cheaply done effects that seemed designed to disorient the viewer at least as much as sell the product. "Yes, the Flimflam Brothers' Magi-netic Wonder Bracelet®!" cried the voice-over. "Enhance your health, your spell power, and even your looks with the magical power of magnetism!"

Sunset wrinkled her nose as the video cut back to her. "Seriously, how have those two not gotten sued?"

"The commercials have only aired late at night and way too early in the morning."

Twilight tapped her chin as she thought. "We may be giving them the most exposure they've ever gotten."

"Think we should still air this episode?"

"People might buy them as gag gifts. Or to spite you."

"Well, you can't say we didn't try." Sunset held up a Wonder Bracelet. Without the seizure-inducing editing, it proved to be noting more than a simple metal curve that nearly formed a circle, capped with a slightly larger sphere on each end. "So, how magical would you say this is?"

Twilight promptly burst into laughter, looking back and forth between Sunset and the bracelet before her eyes squeezed shut and she started pounding the table. After several seconds, she panted, "Okay. Okay," took another look at the bracelet, then started back up, throwing her head back and making her chair follow suit. "Whoa!" She windmilled her arms as she kept going back.

Twilight crossed her arms, still sitting in the chair as both floated in a bubble of golden magic. "It'd be funnier if you just left it to the viewers' imagination."

"We'll let the comments decide that," Sunset said, not unkindly.

"Now, with your initial response out of the way, care to elaborate?"

"There's no magic to be found," said Twilight. "Nada. Zilch. Not a spark. I've been using it to calibrate my thaumometer."

Sunset nodded. "Next question: How magnetic is it?"

Twilight held up a plastic container of paper clips. Sliding off the lid, she demonstrated how one stuck to the circular hole in the lid, holding it first with a hand, then with her magic. "Magnetic," she said. She then poured paper clips on the bracelet. The camera shifted to an overhead view, where Twilight magically lifted the bracelet. Not a single paper clip came with it. "Not magnetic."

"So it doesn't actually do anything?"

The camera went back to an eye-rolling Twilight. "It wouldn't do anything even if it were magnetic. It might as well be a bottle of snake oil."

Sunset shrugged with a smile. "There you have it, folks. And remember, even if you buy this ironically, your cash is sincerely going into the makers' wallets."

Author's Note:

You're welcome to come up with other products for them to test. I may yet expand this one.

Comments

[namar13766]

And remember, even if you buy this ironically, your cash is sincerely going into the makers' wallets."

Thank you, you have no idea how many times I’ve seen someone do this and say,”That’s not a boycott.”

[EnderHooves]

So you want more ideas for products to fill this world up with? Sweet. I've got several.
A set of several needles(acupuncture or sewing, or both) that are magically bound to eachother, allowing for easier control with telekinesis as a group and as individual needles. Perfect for acupuncturists, tailors, people who need TK practice, and most importantly (more like a side effect) a useful weapon in the hands and arsenals of any unicorn aspect looking to cause a lot of pain and damage.
Perforate and shred your enemies into fleshy fillets.

[Noctis Prism]

Ha, burn on them brothers!

[Frustration in Excelsis]

8895044
Much obliged.

[ArtieStroke]

8895020
8894911
8894788
8894736

Not the first time Dead Like Me's been referenced in this work, either- see the chapter "Dearly Demi Departed" for the first bit

[Thought Prism]

They should check if Lucky Charms are in fact magically delicious.

[Snowdrifter]

As a twist, you could have them review something like 'healing gems' that were sold by the thousands before Oversaturation as novelties, only to start actually working. Maud is best human guest star for this scene, because Maud. Also reasons, but mostly because Maud.

[Arkonfleight]

I am surprised that no one has suggested the Beanis.

[FanOfMostEverything]

8924338
"I have been to that worldline once. I am never going back. No matter how many times Twilight asks 'out of scientific curiosity.'"

[Combinatory]

8909994
oh my god you commented back!
I was just mindlessly letting loose a personal pet peeve and i think i forgot i even put it here DX. Please don't think I was like, specifically frustrated with you, just that my brain wandered and went 'you know what is dumb'
But yeah, Chrysalis is just one of those people who'd never accept anything like that. Whether because of personal aesthetics, or because it represents rebellion from her rule...
oh god
Thorax screaming at Chrysalis that "IT'S NOT A PHASE, MOM!"
I think I just made myself cry from laughing.

[BestinDworld]

8924548. chucky dolls

[Cadiefly]

"We'll let the comments decide that," Sunset said, not unkindly.

"Uhm… Uhm.. Okay.. I'm under pressure here... Gotta think... And imagine. Oh wait. There's a picture there." Amore stares at the picture. "Okay, this is probably not what was intended, but I see this." Points to doodles she drew up herself. It looks nothing like the picture. "We got circles... and clouds... and friendship and stuff."

(I decided to be very silly in this comment. )