• Member Since 26th Jan, 2016
  • offline last seen 11 minutes ago

Foxhelm


Found the show in late 2015, and fell in love with it. I also like D&D (3 and 3.5), Fansty novel and movie, Sci-Fi movies. MarbleMac is Best Ship and Flashlight is a fair second

Sequels1

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Since her banishment, Nightmare Moon has planned her Revenge. Now her 1000 year imprisonment has ended and she is out to take what is hers.
However the young Arcane Mage, Twilight Sparkle, will do all she can to stop Nightmare Moon, but Nightmare Moon is not alone as she has formed a small but powerful army.
However Twilight is also not alone, as five other mages, Applejack The Paladin, Rainbow Dash The Elementalist, Fluttershy The Druid, Rarity The Enchantress & Pinkie Pie The Jester will stand by her.
Can they save Mystika from Eternal Night? What will Nightmare Moon employ to achieve her goal? And will Twilight learn the Magic of Friendship

Chapters (12)
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Comments ( 208 )

I loved this universe and the story version of BrassHeart, and I'd love to see it expanded with more adventures. If this is your intention, I'll follow this with pleasure!

7091023 this basically a reboot of The Nightmare's Return allowing for more My Little Mages version of stories. My goal is to do more of these stories working in part with dracone, I plan to do equivalents of Return of Harmony, A Canterlot Wedding and such. Thank you for following.

Huh. This is pretty good so far. I'll keep an eye on it.

My only complaint is that it's really hard to read it in the present tense.

7101949 my goal with using the present tense is to draw the reader more into the story and try to set myself apart from other writers. But I see where you are coming from and I may ... Okay I will change to past tense in my future stories...

7102003

No no no, I'm not ordering you to do anything. If you want to write in the present tense you can go ahead. You're the one in charge of this story, not me; I'm just stating my opinion.

7102017 I know you are not ordering or asking me to change the tense I use. But I have a gut feeling that you are not alone with that opinion. Also I should be open-minded to that opinion and all other opinions. I will try past tense for my next story, but for the more ... epic stories I plan to write I think I will stick with the present tense...for the time being

7102031 I would recommend that you continue using whatever tense you feel comfortable with; whatever lets you write, you know? Just keep it consistent.

That being said, present tense doesn't really draw the reader in, to my mind. I find present tense is more applicable to things like roleplaying, where you're suggesting action as a part of a scene that may need to be backed out, or their completion altered, via negotiation or a system or something. Here, it leaves room for others to interact and help to shape the scene. There are arguments to be made that present tense opens a broader synthesis with the reader, but that leaves the text vulnerable to feeling weaselly and insecure, forcing the reader to do some of the author's storytelling job and leaving it harder to come into chronology

Past tense, on the other hand, is easier to read as a solid flow because it makes for an active declaration. This happened. That was done. This was said. The reader's imagination is still there both to fill in the gaps and interpret meaning to create the reader-author synthesis, but the author is making firm choices and description. It can be hard to code switch, if you're used to one or the other, but I think it'll give you more authorial heft in the long run, when you feel comfortable with it.

Damn weasels. They deserve all the pyrotechnics they get. Which happened to them before I got here, of course.

7106353 Your observations are valid, but I already feel comfortable with writing the past tense, but I felt like trying to be unique with the present tense

Wow, this chapter has plenty of material and variations. Nice!

7106601 More is coming in Ch. 3 and ch. 4... and the rest of the story

Ahhahahah! This Pinkie Pie is one of the best and craziest I've ever seen! I like it!

And more and more enemies come for the battle, this will be wonderfully violent.

Whoa, really big and detailed chapter right here! Nice, very nice and good!

7155341 Thoughts on incorporating 'Lullaby For A Princess'?

7155395 It added a certain deepness to the bond between NM and Celestia. Very profound.

Ohoh, that was some chapter! Very good and long read!

7374344 I hope it was not too long of a read and that it was worth the wait.:fluttercry::pinkiesad2::applecry:

7375873 Well, you'll never hear complains about the lenght of a chapter from me (I love long reads), and it was worthy of the wait: plenty of action, details about what the characters are feeling at the moment and a nice look on the particular powers of part of the Main Six. Nice job, really.

“Well,” Twilight interjected, “Doppelgangers usually don’t work with undead, unless one of them knows that kind of magic or they’re allied with a force that can pull that kind of thing off. They also usually tend to be rather weak willed, kind of ironic considering their borderline empathic abilities, whatever is behind all this has the power to get a hoard of doppelgangers and who knows what else to follow them or it, we’re talking some high level magic on the level of an archmage or hierophant.
“Sugarcube, now ain't the time for that.” Applejack said as she scanned the tree line as zombified satyrs, fauns and doppelgangers creeped towards them and would be on them shortly. Fluttershy gave a mep of fright and was starting to turn into a tree again but was grabbed by Applejack. “Oh no you don’t, Sugarcube. Ah need ya’all to make a barrier.”

For some reason these two paragraphs are showing up as on big, awkward paragraph.

7384442 edited. How about the overall product

7384794 As far as I can tell that was the only issue with the chapter.

Uhm, not bad.... Here the kindness of Fluttershy is more influential, even than the original show, nice!

7403476 open to criticisms, so please expond on it was just ' not bad' I want to make this story the best I can and I am open to how I can improve.

7403514 Sorry, it's just that I'm not very fluent in english when it comes to writing, so I find a bit difficult to make constructive comments. My "not bad" was only for some simple errors, like forgetting some letters in words as here:

Applejack sighed and then pulled Rep’s left win first and she ripped it out

That I imagine it is "wing", obviously.

The only thing that I could say is bad, is how Rep informs the girls of what expect them. Personally, I found that part a bit unnecessary and "spoilerific" for the future chapters, and the character of Rep is not elaborated as he deserves. In the original show, the Manticore was an animal, so it was obvious that it couldn't really help the Mane six. But a sentient creature should give a lengthy explanation of why his help will be just informations and he won't fight along them.

Only these two things are what I didn't like of the chapter, the rest was good and I'm waiting for more, especially for the Pinkie's one!

7403673 you make valid points. Yes, Rep does spoil things and at the same time doesn't say enough. However he does not know who would likely face off with the other three, for all he knew The Tantabus would send everyone after the six now, and also I said in chapter 1 that this is a reboot of The Nightmare's Return. And it's been almost 6 years since the series premiere... so there really is not much that can be spoiled save how I tell this story...But I do see where you are coming from... However Rep does not know the back of plan of Hydia, just a likely motivation, nor does he really know the plans of the rest, so it's more of a teaser or trailer of what is to come. Also, Rep does give a reason, albeit not very articulately, which is the psychological trams he has received. And while he should have given a more detailed explanation for Twilight, this was meant to show Fluttershy's own wisdom to as Wisdom is a critical ability for Druids (I use a lot of D&D here). But I do acknowledge that something like the Manticore would have been easier to write and understand, I felt that allowing Rep his sentient would better show Fluttershy's kindness and her empathy. Also, this is something I will touch upon in the next chapter as while we are witnessing all this, Twilight is our proxy. Now part of the reason I I selected Rep is where I am from it's easier to be kind to animals and to be a 'dick' to other people. Did I make the right choice... I think I did, but I see your concerns and they are valid. Also, I may bring Rep back, and if I do that is something that will be flushed out.
"Oh Foxhelm you know you..." (covers Pinkie Pie's mouth) Clearly I have no 4th wall to hide behind...


I hope I have addressed your concerns, for the time being, hopefully, I will but them to rest very soon.

I thought I got that 'g' for 'wing'... Thanks for pointing it out.

7403763 Your explanation is very satisfying, nice job for placating me with only one answer. Definitevely I'll put this story in the favorites now!

Ps: as a player myself, I noticed your use of D&D mechanics for the jobs of the characters. You're good with the explaining how the powers and class features work in a "real-life" prospect.

7403954 I am glad that I have put you at ease for now. Granted I should not have given you a reason to have a problem in the first place. I am also glad that you are willing to give me the benefit of the doubt for now. Thank you for both stating your concern and for giving my explanation a chance. I hope that I will live up to your expectations with Pinkie's chapter.

The drama for Steven's moustache is always one of the funniest part to read!

And now, Pinkie's hijinks vs Tantabus.

Oh, nice to see that Rep' s part in this story isn't already finished. Good to know, good to read.

7435678 I am glad you are enjoying this... I hope more would as well. But yes Pinkie Pie is up next...

:pinkiehappy:

Please don't break the forth wall.

:pinkiesad2:

But you can still be Pinkie Pie.

:pinkiehappy:

7106353 Changed to tensed... While I feel comfortable with the present, you and Star Blazer have made many valid points. Feel free to comment, I do appreciate the feedback

7435678 Pinkie Pie's chapter is up, I hope you like it

Heh, Pinkie Pie's chapters are always interesting to read, her randomness sometimes can be difficult to write.

Nice work on this part of the story. The climax is approaching faster and faster!

7454694 Anything specific that stuck out good or bad?

7454744 Nothing? Not the twist of the Tantabus being a long lost relative of Pinkie, Not the Cupcake like bit, Not dracone and Pinkie shattering the forth wall, Not the element revealed was revealed with music and not a light, Not even Rainbow Dash's 'wing-boner'?

7454846 It's just that today I'm overwhelmed by chores, so I don't have the time to do a real and complete critique of the chapter, neither the mental strenght to do it. Hell, I had to read three times to understand that Dash had a wingboner...

7454871 The wingboner was purposefully subtle, Sorry if and that I came off indignant. You take care of yourself and what you need to do then come back to the chapter

Alright. With more time in my hands, and after a good night of sleep, I read the chapter again, and now I can do the recension that it deserves.

As I said before, the chapter is good, and you got to transmit well the randomness of Pinkie. The part about the Tantabus' past is fascinantig, not only because it permit the reader to understand and know about Tantabus' ancient and tormented life, but it also gives an important part of lore about the relationship of the three main races with the minor one of the nightborn. And a thing that I love is lore and world-building, so plus points from my part.

Talking about Tantabus, his being an ancestor of Pinkie, maintaining the concept form the original story, is a bit of a wild card. It's nice and gave me theories on how some future parts will deploy, but with a such age-long distance of the family bond, it seems a bit forced. And the use of the clichéd tropes "I thought my (insert relative here) was dead, so I gave in the dark powers" and "turns out that he wasn't really dead", they demote a bit the story.

The dracone and Pinkie's destruction of the fourth wall was a bit too extreme and forced. When Pinkamena did it, with the Cupcake reference, it was written as an action, without breaking the flow of the scene. Instead, after that Pinkie talk about the song and the episode, everything just stop for that part and the re-start again as nothing happened, while Pinkie just talked about a lot of thing to the apparent nothing from the other Main Six's perspective.

Another thing that could usa a bit of work is the part with the Main Six captured by Pinkamena. For me, that part looks too mechanical and cold. I mean, they just tried a bit to resist, but after the capture they don't try to break free? Not even Dash tried to move, it's a bit out of character for her. Even with a complete restraint, she'll at least continue to try to free herself.

The element revealed with music instead of light is a bit strange, but Pinkie's reveal during the wall-breaking gives some hints about it and what caused it.

Dash's wingbone it was funny, with her unsuccesful try to make it appear like nothing, but it seem a bit delayed from the moment that I think caused it to appear... Unless it happened for the rain, and it's effects on the clothes of the girl.

The return of Rep, with his mysterious new wings, given to him by a mysterious benefactor (that I think to know who is), promises good!

The rest of the chapter, and the grammar, the flowing of the narrative, is really good and nice to read.

7457550
You make several valid points, Concerning the Tantabus' relationship to Pinkie... I grant it is a sort of force, but I thought that having them be so distant it would be a little more organic then the set up of the Grandmaster in 'The Nightmare's Return' you know the whole 'Dark Father' thing, that to me felt forced.

As for him turning into the Tantabus proper, he was already on the way of becoming something like the high priest of Luna, something like he is but pre-Nightmare Moon, before he thought he lost Holder, he didn't give himself to Evil, more like preformed the rite when he was not in the right mental... maybe that part was a little too subtle in the narrative, but something I will touch upon later.

Concerning the element reveal, I was going for something out there for it.

As for dracone and Pinkie's bit... I recently stumbled upon Magpiepony's 'Pinkie Tales' series on Youtube and thought the interactions between Pinkie and the narrators was funny. And dracone put the line of him speaking to Pinkie Pie and I thought I could roll with that. Possibly not my best call

For the rest resisting or not... yeah I should have flushed that out more

As for the wingboner near the end... I was going for it was unnoticed Pinkie Pie pointed it out...maybe I should have touched upon it earlier

Mh, nice combat scene here with Dash and Nightshade. The movements of the battlers were good descripted, not easy task with 3 dymensional movement and no gravity affecting them.

Also good is the fact that Dash doesn' t know the identity of the shadowbolt yet, but she has some ideas about it. This will bring more fun in the future.

And Rep's sub-plot! This is getting more wonderful to read!

Ah the division of the six. For Applejack will be hard to fight against the bewitched villagers, especially with one of them being her brother.

To see a determined Fluttershy is always entertenaing. Maybe she will show us some other form of hers (a batty one, maybe? :rainbowwild:).

Rarity's part, with her checking Grogar for all the descriptions given to her by Steven, was good. Her righteous fury will befall on that big, old goat!

Pinkie's re-battle with her uncle Tantabus will be epic, I just know it. Especially with how Tantabus has understood that Pinkie is Pinkie, and trying to understand how she does what she does is impossible.

This chapter is well-written and I don' t find anything to say about it, except for the little part when Twilight mentions her brother, that I fail to see what Shining Armor has to do with Twilight's finding the right door and the five minutes.

And then (just for the grammatical part, mind it) this sequence:

While this pin the Tantabus, he was able to free himself, but by the time Twilight was able to past him and get to the door.

I think that you meant to use pinned and by then or in the meantime in those parts.

7480296 The Shining Armor thing was meant as a sibling rivalry type thing, a sort of 'I can get there faster than you' contest. It will come more into play in later stories

Damn, this chapter was an intense read with all the details of every fight and the surprises from a pair of them! But it was a good read! Nice touch the trolling vines in Fluttershy's part and the romantic twist of Rep and Catrina!

Now is time for the most heated battle! I can't wait!

7515790

Remember those vines, they may be important.

To be honest I was expected to be called out over the... 'convenient' ... flashback of Rainbow Dash, the lamp shading of Rep and the satyrs, and the Tantabus' monologue and lecture.

The romantic twist, well that's based on the relationship of Rep and Catrina as shown and hinted to in second of the first two My Little Pony shorts, Escape fro Catrina. Which was actually the first My Little Pony thing I saw... like twenty years or so ago as rerun...

Well stay tune for the finale chapter and hopefully more to come

Just a little reminder, in the series proper her name is Princess Cadance. While her full name is Mi Amore Cadenza, and a lot of authors made the mistake of spelling her name "Cadence" just you have here, a little reminder it's 'Cadance' (despite what spellchecker says. I tried fixing it in the editing portion but changed back after I gave my contributions. If anyone still doubts me, click the link to her info on the official wiki.

It's still a fun read, I just did all that because of a number of reasons, some of which have to do with my stories and personality.

Ah, what a nice conclusion! Very wordy and detailed, nice to read and satisfying.

Loved the part when NM shouts "the fun has been doubled" causing Twilight to hint the presence of Luna inside the demigoddess.

The part with the Elements's distribuition was a little static, but there's not much that it can be done with it to make it more dynamic. But hearing the six mind-connected girls shouting, during a mystical and epic trascendance, "taste the rainbow" was priceless!!!

Really moving the scene with Twilight inside Luna and NM's mind with the lullaby. And so the encounter of the two sisters.

The big party was good, even with Celestia blocking prematurely a lesson zero episode, and the drunk Fluttershy XD

And now, yours truly will wait the next chapters of this story with trepidation.

PS: the song that continues to sound with Pinkie's element will be important in the future, am I right?

7537247 I am glad you like the story. Yeah I admit the announcement of the Elements and their beats was a little underwhelming, but it did serve a nice break. My favorite part in was when Twilight said she bears Friendship and everyone is stupified.

I like to use songs when I can, this far I have been able to use Lullaby for a Princess and Luna's Reply... Hoping to use other songs... I do intend to use The Smile l, my self in a later story, but hopefully I can convince dracone use it in the Pinkie Pie chapter.

While I get why the show had Twilight in so many episodes as she is the main character of the series, and as fun and horrorifing Lesson Zero was, I firgured Celestia was not the one to set the schedule and here was a great place to avoid Twilight being shoehorned. I did enjoy drunk Fluttershy but in that part was Celestia trying to show what is behind the riyal mask to Twilight and Twilight is oblivious to it.

Now for the 'Fun has been doubled' I was not just allowing Twilight to sense Luna, but I was trying to show Luna was fighting back. I look forward to seeing how you will react when Discord enters the picture

So, Princess Celestia has "a baker's dozen" of vaults that contain dangerous magical artifacts, which are collected and placed there by secret agents?

If I could, I would include a video link to a key line from the show I'm guessing that is a reference to.

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