Austraeoh: Abridged
It was sunrise over a purple mountain. Smiling flowers swayed. Birds and bees hummed. Then, with a bouncy little tune, a big golden horse goddess rose over the east horizon, lifting the Sun. Her radiant eyes swept the verdant green countryside. At last—amidst the glitter of morning dew and the shimmer of gold-thatched rooftops—she spotted a single spectral sheet of awesomeness sailing over a quaint little village in the bosomy center of Equestria.
"Goooood Morniiiiiiiiiiiiing Rainbow Dassssssssssh!" Celestia sang, batting her cosmic eyelashes. "What a beautifullllllllll daaaaaaaaay to seeeeeeeee you!"
"And what a bodacious, radical day to hear you say that!" Rainbow Dash saluted the eastern horizon. Twirling, the mare flew backwards with a grin cast towards the western sky. "And same to you, Luna! Have a good day's sleep! Okay?!"
"Grrrrrrr! Thou joyeth meanderings bringeth a tempest to our soulth!" Scowled another goddess, this one darker than dark and gritting her royal teeth as she sank into the furthest edge of the plane. "Grrrrrrrreth! Mooneth! MOONETH, we sayeth!"
Rainbow and Celestia laughed, as did the songbirds and dragonflies.
As the morning sunlight kissed each square inch of Ponyville, the windows to apartments flew open. Grinning faces stuck out. Happy mares and stallions and the donkeys in between took their joyful turn waving and whistling to Rainbow Dash as she flew by.
"Good morning, Rainbow Dash!"
"What an awesome dawnstreak, Rainbow Dash!"
"Going to kick the butts of lots of bad guys, eh, Rainbow Dash?"
"You bet!" The pegasus winked with a devilish smirk. She ducked over and under rainbows while gliding alongside kaleidoscopes of fluffy pink butterflies. "There's not a day that isn't worth seizing! Hah!" She waved aside. "Good morning, Rarity! Good morning, Pinkie Pie! Fluttershy! Zetta! Twilight!"
A gorgeous mare drew an apple wagon to the top of a hill. She peeled her hat off and tossed her mane like a fan of liquid gold in the dawnlight. A pair of green eyes peered across the central courtyard of the village, resplendent with emerald bedroom boldness. "Ahem..." She twisted a haystalk around in her mouth and waited for the sweat to catch the shine of her beautiful freckles just so. "...sugarcuuuuuuuuube."
"Erm..." Rainbow Dash flew to a stop. "ULP!" A cute adorable blush spread across her blue cheeks. "H-hi th-there, Applejack..."
"OooOoooOoooOoooOoooh!" The entire population of Ponyville leaned in, chanting. Soon they all broke into giggles, along with the flowers and trees.
"Best be gettin' a move on, darlin'," Applejack lustfully slurred.
Rainbow's eyes rolled back. "Snkkkkkt... Alright, everypony! I'd love to stick around, but I've got a horizon to chase!"
"Thou forgetteth thine Midnightish Armoryish!" hollered a regal voice from beyond the west.
"Oh. And that too."
"Okie dokie lokie!" Pinkie Pie bounced up. "Don't forget this dinglehopper right here!" She tossed a golden pendant around Rainbow's neck, complete with a ruby lightning bolt stuck in the center. "Try not to turn it into a huge metaphorical symbol of burdensome angst and existential struggle over the duration of twelve pretentiously long narrative installments!"
"Heh... no promises!" Rainbow winked. She grabbed some goggles from a random chicken and lifted up on flapping wings. "Whelp! Time to go on a giant suicide mission for no reason whatsoever!"
"GRRRRRRRRR!" A giant snakegoatthing with antlers slithered in from the Royal Hedge Maze and waved a gnarled claw in Rainbow's face. "Not so fast, Sparky—"
WHAM! Rainbow uppercutted the beast, littering the earth's surface with a spray of gravel.
"Right." She yawned. "Like I was saying." She waved a hoof and flew east. "Smell you melon fudges later."
Celestia, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Spike, and a bunch of other happy horses stood in a line, waving.
"Sooooooo longgggggg, Rainbowwwwwwww Dasssssssssh!"
"Ba-cock!"
"Haahaahaahaa!" Celestia let loose a jolly laugh. All of the sudden, a thick black abysmal pocket in space opened right above the loose granite pebbles beneath her, seeping with chaos and darkness. "Whoopsies! Heheh!... guess I'd better tend to that!"
In the meantime, Rainbow Dash soared east, past the mountainous fringes of Equestria...
"... ... ...and into the hilly heart of Wintergate, on the start of a lifelong adventure," Bellesmith finished with a cheeky smile.
Several other equine faces blinked back at the mare from where they shared seats across a spacious balcony overlooking the amber spires of Val Roa and the Alafreon desert beyond.
At one point, Eagle Eye coughed.
Props bit her lip, inspecting her goggles. Zaid sat at her side, cockeyed.
Belle blinked. "Uhm..." She brushed a hoof past her stub of a horn and through her short brown threads. "Is... is there a cricket in my mane?"
"Hmmmf!" Kera Tin Mehjj pouted, bouncing atop a couch next to Pilate. "I wish!"
"That was... uhm..." Ebon Mane fidgeted, glancing aside at Eagle Eye. "Uhhhh..."
"I mean this in the nicest way possible, bookflanks..." Josho belched his way through a bowl of cactus fruit, dried the juice from his chins, and squinted. "But did you switch your muzzle with your butthole during the time I went off to mind the Cartel?"
"Old Stallion!" Eagle Eye facehoofed with a sigh. "Spark Alive..."
"What?!" Josho shrugged. His girthy figure nearly fell off the bench with the gesture. "I never knew her to be so full of it!"
"I'm telling you, that's the sort of life Rainbow Dash once enjoyed back in Equestria!" Belle said, her expression turning soft. "That's the sort of existence she left behind! The harmony that she sacrificed..."
"Honestly, beloved," Pilate spoke in a gentle tone. The zebra tilted his head in her general direction, smiling through his stripes. "Are you certain you didn't... embellish a bit?"
"Pffft! Please, Pilate. I sequenced with the mare, did I not? One would think I would know!"
Pilate merely smirked.
At last, Belle rolled her chestnut eyes. "Alright... alright!" She waved a hoof with a sigh. "I suppose... some of the details are foggy."
"Foggy?! More like farty!" Props slapped her knee and giggled. "Heeheehee! Got soot all over that thang!"
"Well, actually..." Booster Spice shifted in his seat, adjusting his goggles. "The odds of an average equine's flatulence resembling the polluted residue left behind by processed ordinance within the industrial heart of a place as grand as Gray Smoke is about a factor of eleven thousand to one—"
"Okay, fourballs," Zaid rasped. "Try the technobabble when you're not interrupting my special somepony's goofybabble." He grinned at Belle. "I, for one... or maybe two—"
"Two and a half!" Props winked, rubbing her belly.
"Ahem... y-yes..." Zaid smiled bashfully. "We thought it was a fine retelling, Belle. Five east horses out of five."
"Well, maybe I captured the spirit of her origin at least," Belle said, holding hooves with Pilate at her side. "Speeding off for that lonesome horizon is probably the most courageous thing Rainbow Dash has ever done."
"Yes." Eagle Eye smirked, smoothing back his violet bangs. "Never mind the minotaur headbutting or zeppelin crashing."
"Hehe..." Ebon Mane winked aside at his coltfriend. "Or any of the mystery meat dishes I nearly let her sample."
"I don't mind your mystery meat one bit."
"Shhhh... EE!"
"Mrmmmfff..." Josho finished the last of his cactus fruit. "Didn't... like... Rainbow's friends blow up or something?"
Belle and Pilate winced hard.
"Perhaps... ehm..." Booster Spice cleared his throat with a nervous smile. "...she had a few good reasons to leave Equestria behind?"
Thap! Thap! Thap! Kera hopped and hopped on the couch.
Belle cleared her throat. "Kera, honey, please stop jumping on the royal Val Roan furniture."
"But... I... wanna... see...!"
"See what?!" Props spontaneously galloped up to the couch and began hopping next to the foal. "I wanna see it too!"
"You read what Arcanista's missive said," Pilate remarked. "The ambassadors won't be here for a good few hours. Don't strain your eyes." He chuckled to himself. "Heh... I'm one to talk."
"Awwwww..." Kera pouted, the lines in her muzzle and neck growing longer. "I figured I'd at least see the golden glow of their sword by now."
"Not if they want to transport it to Val Roa Proper securely," Booster Spice said. "The desert air is just ripe for magical corruption of harmonic energies on account of the easily converging leylines this side of the Chok—"
"So..." Josho coughed, rubbing his thick forelimbs together as he leaned towards the rest of the group. "What exactly happened to Rainbow Dash after she left Equestria?"
"Hmmm?" Eagle Eye blinked at the older, fatter, grayer unicorn. "You mean you don't know?"
"Is that a friggin' crime?" Josho stifled another burp. "Look, my memory of everything before the outhouse and random explosions is pretty muddy... and not in the way you think."
"Well..." Belle rubbed her soft head. "If... I recall correctly, she proceeded to fly east in a fairly straightforward direction."
"Jee," Zaid droned. "What a seat warmer."
Props giggled.
"Oooh!" Kera leapt down to the floor and danced in front of Bellesmith. "Oooh Oooh Oooh! I know! I know!"
"Kera, darling, you weren't there."
"Yeah, well, neither were you!" Kera stuck her tongue out.
"Yes, but as I stated before, when Rainbow and I sequenced—"
Pilate leaned in to interrupt his spouse. "Then again, beloved, neither were the singing flowers."
Belle glared aside. "Just whose side are you on?"
"Isn't it obvious?" He bore a blind grin. "The scampy one."
"Hmmmm..." Belle leaned in to nuzzle the zebra's chin. "Good answer."
"Ah-Ah-Ahem..." Kera hopped onto a table in the center of the group and faced everypony with a tattooed smirk. "And so it came to pass that Rainbow Dash chanced upon a mountain mining village called Breakwind!"
"Windthrow!" Belle hissed.
"Yeah. Whatever. So... like... what did Rainbow discover there?" Kera grinned extra wide. "Monsters! Juicy, crispy monsters!"
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"
"Yaaaaaaaaaaaugh!"
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaie!"—those are, like, the sounds that freaked out ponies make. And they had every good reason to be freaked out, what with the whole sky above the mountain village being full of giant heaping chaos monsters and crap.
"Look out!" shrieked a miner, running across the wooden platforms like her tail was on fire. "The whole sky above the mountain village is full of giant heaping chaos monsters and crap!"
Meanwhile, Gold Petals—whom I'm told was a total babe—was standing in the middle of the whole mess, spinning around, shouting with tomcoltish fervor: "Calm down, everypony! You! Stop screaming! Zetta! Zetta! Stop running or you'll fall over the edge and die super bloody'n'crud!"
And that's when Rainbow Dash flew down—SWOOSH—y'know. She's good at that. She's a good Swoosher.
"Hey Babe. I like your mane."
"Rainbow!" Gold Petals yelped, tossing rocks at the creatures and swinging... I dunno... turkey bones? Ponies west of Luxmare are dumb. "Just in time! That big metal door thingamabob in the middle of the earth has unleashed a bunch of fart freaks on us!"
"What kind of conditioner do you use. Is it apple-scented? Please say it's apple-scented. Don't ask."
"Rainbow Dash! This is super serious! The leader of this village is too old to do anything! Besides, I really think he's a pimp or something." See, I got that from living on the streets. Hush, Zaid.
"Oh. Em. Jee!" Rainbow Dash kerplunkered. "Your eyes are bluuuuuuuue! Noooooo! Hissssssss! It burnsssssss!"
"But, Rainbow!" Gold Petals yelped. "The monsters!" And then Gold Petals turned into a robot. Hmmm? No? Very well then, moving on.
"Babe! Don't be a dunce, babe," Rainbow Dash said, grinning in the face of the screams and blood and crickets. "There's only one way to take out so many friggin' monsters on a friggin' mountain."
"And how is that?" Gold Petals said, her eyes full of sparkle-sparkles, or whatever. Meh.
"We kick the ever living snot out of them! Watch! Or listen! Depends on how immersed you are!" And that's when Rainbow let loose a flaunty giggle and—like—rotated into the enemies. Imagine a drill, only with more colors... and explosions.
WHACK! Rainbow punched a giant chaos grasshopper so hard that it EXPLODED! Hah! I bet you didn't see that one coming, did you? Remember back to the "imagine a drill" part? That's what you call a Chekcolt's Gun... or something. Whatever. Pilate explained it to me once. Anywho... the monster was extra juicy so its gunk fell all over Gold Petals, not that she minded, being a gruffy tomcolt and all. And she was like:
"Wow! This is juicy! And tasty!"
"I know, babe!" Rainbow nodded. "Let's feed your whole village, babe!"
And Gold Petals was all "Sign me up!" And they both drill-spun into the monsters with hooves flying and a huge awesome fight scene went down:
WHAM!
WHACK!
THWACK!
KASLAM!
POW!
SMACK!
WHAPPO!
BOOF!
SOK!
WHAP!
WHUMP!
THWUD!
OOF!
KAPOW!
WHAMMO!
KRACK!
THUNK!
THUD!
CRKKK!
THWPP!
SLAM!
BIFF!
FWOOF!
PLANT!
KATHUNK!
BAMF!
ZAP!
HRESSHA!
CLUNK!
CRACKKA!
GRNKKT!
And in the end, all of the giant chaos grasshoppers were a twitching mess and the juice was everywhere and it made a huge waterfall that filled the basin below Windthrow with enough gravy to feed the Wintergaters for several summers of happy mountain mining.
"Hooooooray!" all of the townsfolk cheered.
"See?" Rainbow Dash wrung her wet mane out into Gold Petals' happy muzzle. "Easy peasy, lemon squeezy! You don't have to thank me, Gold Plate!"
"Mmmm!" Gold Petals gulped. "That's Petals, by the way."
"You sure?"
"No."
"Let's hug each other... SUPER HARD."
"Okay babe. AH! NO! BABE! BLUE EYES, BABE! HISSSSSS!"
"... ... ...and then Rainbow made like... a Rainbow and flew away from her pot of gold." Kera squinted. "Or wait... maybe it's the other way around?"
"Heheh..." Zaid winked aside at Props. "More like 'plot'o'gold.'" Josho's hoof hit him from behind. Whap! "Ow! Dammit!"
Props giggled.
"Honestly?" Booster Spice smiled coyly. "The little scamp had me at 'it came to pass.'"
"And...... uhhhhhhhhhhh..." Kera's tiny hooves fidgeted on the tabletop. "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." She cleared her throat. "Rainbow flew over some stupidly big mountains. The end." She hopped down and approached the snack table. "Nagu'n on a bike, I'm hungry all of the sudden..."
"I think..." Belle strategically slid a bowl of dead insects away from the foal. "...that's enough grasshoppers for you this afternoon."
"Awwwwwwwwww..."
"Better listen to Momma," Ebon Mane said with a wink. "You don't want to be too plump for the next time you sit and have tea with the Prince."
"Why's everypony saying that?" Kera's tattooed muzzle scrunched once again. "It's not my fault he wants to have tea with me all the time." She turned to blink at her foster parents. "You... don't suppose Eine wants to hug me like Rainbow wanted to hug Gold Petals?"
"No," Pilate's voice growled. Softly, then, the zebra cleared his throat, then inched closer to Bellesmith. "Erm... not until he's coronated, at least."
"But... that'll be in ten years from now or something!"
"All the better," Pilate muttered with a sly grin. "Anywho, as for Kera's recollection—one factor rings true. Ponyville wouldn't be the first time Rainbow Dash left something precious behind."
"Mmmmm..." Props sniffled, ears drooping. "...or the last." Zaid patted her shoulder.
"Still, she did find newer, niftier things to stumble upon," Booster Spice remarked.
"Like centipedes and crotchtits?" Josho suggested. "Not... necessarily in that order?" Several eyes glared at him as if he was on fire. "Ahem..." He craned his neck around. "And... where's the bathroom...?"
"She had a good time in Emeraldine, did she not?" Eagle Eye said with a bright grin.
"Erm..." Belle toyed with her own short bangs, glancing off. "In a manner of speaking... yes... I do believe you could say that."
"Oh, it was absolutely wonderful," Eagle Eye cooed, starry-eyed. "A palace among the stars, looming over a fantastical landscape full of green pastures and poor provincial towns and humble farmland!"
"Oh Spark..." Josho facehoofed. "Here we go..."
"Did Rainbow tell you about her experiences there?" Ebon Mane asked his coltfriend.
Eagle Eye winked back at the stallion. "She told me enough!" Eagle Eye grinned at the rest of the group. "Enough to know that she met the most beautiful alicorn Princess there ever was!"
"Oh! You mean Whitemane!" Bellesmith nodded. "Yes, from what Rainbow tells me, the immortal mare was most advantageous in helping her with her—"
"An alicorn princess with bright ivory wings and flowing locks of satiny hair!" Eagle Eye continued, sighing dreamily. "And on top of all that, Rainbow Dash was being treated as a princess herself!"
"Mmmmmmm..." Rainbow cooed, licking specks of icing off her dainty lips. "My oh my, Whitemane dearest, these scones are positively delightful!" She twirled a lacy parasol and winked across the richly ornate sunroom resting along the edge of Verdestone's lofty balcony. Purple drapes danced in the spring breeze, adding lift to her soulful sighs. "Where ever did you find the adorable little treats?"
"I had them baked especially for this wondrous occasion, my little darling," Whitemane said, eyelashes adding perfumed punctuation to her honey'd syllables. "Only the finest pastries deserved to be nibbled on by the fair mare of eastward cavorting. And since you've so fabulously graced my humble abode in the sky, I felt that I might as well live in the moment, as t'were. I do hope it wasn't too, too bold of me." A maid in black and white lace wandered by, pouring some more herbal tea. "Why thank you, Zetta," Whitemane said with a stately bow. She smoothed out the skirts of her rose-pink gown and reclined in her plush seat, smiling coyly. "Still, I'm certain that it's nothing compared to that which is produced in the finest confectioneries of the Sun and Moon Queen."
"Please, your majesty." Rainbow winked before fanning her powdered, rosy cheeks. "We're all princesses where I come from. Oh ho ho ho ho—let us not presume wickedness among the monarchy."
"Oh, perish the thought!" Whitemane gasped, her silken threads flouncing as she frowned. "I do hope I haven't caused any undo offense!"
"You shan't worry an immaculate thread of alabaster hair on your magnificent head, my liege." Rainbow Dash cooed, twirling her parasol some more. "And—might I add—quite a beautiful ensemble you have brushed forth this merry morning."
"Hmmmmm..." Whitemane smiled bashfully. "A hundred strokes in every direction, morning, noon, and night."
"Surely you bathe luxuriously in between!"
"Oh! Only naturally!"
"Hee hee hee!"
"Ho ho ho!" Whitemane gasped. "Oooh! Steelteeth!" The alicorn smiled into a sudden breeze as the air filled with birdsong. "Have you met my loyal constable, fairest Rainbow darling?"
"Hmmm?" Rainbow pivoted about in her plush chair. Stifling a giggle, she reached a lace-sleeved hoof up, allowing a bright blue sparrow to perch on her daintily extended fetlock. "Why, hello there, Mr. Steelteeth! How do you do?"
Whirrrrrrrr! The sparrow rotated its half-metal head around, eyes glowing red with burning mana. "TwEeEeEeEeT!" its tiny titanium chassis reverberated.
"A gift," Whitemane explained between tiny sips of her teacup. She dabbed her chin with a napkin. "From the brutish yet noble industrialists of Darkstine."
Wriii! Wriii! Wriii!" Steelteeth pivoted its head and fired optic beams at a passing mosquito. Zaaaaap! POW!
"Hmmm... how quaint." Rainbow yawned as she let the cyborg sparrow fly away. "Mmmmm... Madame Whitemane, might you—perhaps—have brought me here to discuss something of great importance?"
"Oh... I don't know..." Whitemane sighed, waving a hoof. "The earth is a hollow metal machine and you're a reincarnated spark meant to reunite this plane with the rest of an incalculably enormous ringworld... or some such."
"Sounds positively boorish."
"My sentiments exactly." Whitemane's smile brightened suddenly. "Oh! You must see the new ballgown the seamstresses of Ridgeside have made me for the upcoming Spring Ball!"
"Oooooooh!" Rainbow dropped her parasol entirely. "Does it have silk-laced rosebuds and taffeta ribbons making up the bustle?!"
"Mmmmmm!" Whitemane suppressed a squeal. "It might!"
"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee—"
"—eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Eagle Eye cupped his hooves together, staring into the hazy heavens above the Grand Choke.
Ebon Mane calmly waved a hoof in front of the ex-mercenary's eyes.
Eagle Eye blinked. "Ahem..." He shrank in his seat, blushing profusely. "Am I doing it again?"
"Hmmmm..." Ebon winked. "Yes, honey. You're doing it again."
"I think I preferred the giant grasshopper gunk," Josho droned.
"Mmmm..." Booster Spice sipped from a cup of water. "Count me as well, verily."
"I... could have sworn Rainbow described Steelteeth as a stallion," Pilate muttered.
"Mmmmf..." Eagle Eye shrugged. "What's it matter? Sooner than later..." A sad sigh. "...Rainbow left the luxurious chambers of Verdestone and made it to the dismal districts of Darkstine."
"Oh yeah?" Kera grinned. "And what happened there?"
Zaid stood up with a proud grin. "Funny you should ask, Scamparoo! Ahem. So as soon as Rainbow got there, she met a whole bunch of lame bucktards who—"
Props bounced up and shoved Zaid aside. THWUMP! "She met a bunch of crazy-crazies with super sparkly gizmos and technologies the likes of which this continent and those neighboring us never tasted!" The mare grinned to the point that her jawbone nearly burst. "Heeeeeeeeeee—if only the rest of us could have seen it like Dashie did!"
"Whoah!" Dashie chirped, practically stumbling out of the mana-powered half-sphere that ferried her petite patootie to that place of smoke and sootie and... ohmygoshconjoinedomniteslacoils! "If only the rest of the Noble Jury could see this like I am right now!"
"Halt!" shouted one of several pony guards, rushing in and wearing red and black glowy armor of trifold titanium manaweave. They waved big zappy zappy guns and barked: "Imperative command: she who would be going there, state that that which would be her purpose!" And—omigoshithadtohavebeenthecoolestseeingtheminpersonlikethat! Even though these ponies were suuuuuuuper evil... and I mean like tossing-foals-into-a-deep-black-pit-of-death evil and... oh wait. Belle? Did you tell Kera about that part? No? Whoops! Starting over!"
Bzzppbpbpbppbpbpbpbppbpbpb—"Whoah!" Dashie chirped, hopping out of the trans-Verdestonian mana-powered aerial omnimover. Heeeeeee! Well, it's not like the Princess had a better name for it. Anyways, Dashie was all, "Wow! This is like my home town! Only if it was narrated by that dude from the Buck Lebowski!"
"Halt!" shouted one of several pony guards. And you wanna bet that they were all connected by a synaptic leyline poly-sequencer? I mean, it's not as though they functioned by Ledomaritan technological standards, even though they were an entire terrestrial continent away, so surely they were approaching the technological singularity at a completely unfathomable pace when compared to ours and—"Imperative command: she who would be adorable and fuzzy, prostrate yourself before he would be Duke Zaap Nator!"
And then—huh? What's that, Boostie? Dashie didn't meet the big bad baddie until later? Shoot! Fast forward!
Bzzpzpbpbpbpbpbppzbpbpantiespbppbpbpxb—"Whoah!" Dashie chirped, fluttering down into the giant metal pit housing a sunken metal world obelisk. "It's like a giant..."
Er...
"...ball pit! Filled with colorful fun balls! And definitely not foals! Living or dead! Eheh! Anyways... villain time!"
"Mwahahahaha!" chortled Zee Duke through his cadmium alloy inhalant receptacle. He stood across Rainbow Dash in the fog machine's glow, or just imagine something like that. Yes, Zaidy Waidy! With more explosions! Funny you should ask! Anyway! Ahem. "Diabolical Introduction!: I am he who would be Duke Zaap Nator! Welcome to that which would be my lair!"
And Dashie must have said, "Pfft! Some lair! It's just a deep pit full of dead foa—er... I mean fluffy bunnies! Fluffy bunnies and colorful balls in this ball pit of balls and bunnies! Pizz fah wizz! What fun!"
"Obligatory inquisition: Who sent you? They who would be Zetta?!"
"No, Zaap Nerd Whore!" Rainbow Dash spat. "I came here to drink apple cider and kick flank! Unfortunately, I'm all out of cider. Judging from the damage done beneath your cape there, I figure you're all out of flank. So since we're both out of Rowdy Roddy Pegasus references, what say we meet in the middle and raise this obelisk in the spirit of Darkstinian unity! Cuz I'm the Austraeoh—even though I don't know that fact yet—but what do you care?"
And then Zee Duke said, "Greedy proposition: could we go out for a bite at Tim Hortrot's afterwards?"
And Rainbow was all, "Ja!"
"Stereotypical ethnic exclamation: Ooooooooooooooooooh, BUCK yeah, she who would be bud!"
"And then they both joined forelimbs and they went out for a... rip-roaring good time!" Props gulped, smiling crookedly. "With plenty of living... happy foals... and stuff. Eheheheheh..."
Silence.
"And then, y'know, Dashie flew east again, 'cuz that's what Dashie Do." Props scooted back next to Zaid. "The end."
"I... uh... I don't say this lightly..." Josho cleared his throat. His brow furrowed. "But you ponies are high."
"Missing goblin company, Mr. Josho?" Pilate asked.
"Hell, I'm missing the kidney stones I passed a month ago, by the way this conversation is going."
"Well, if it will help bring sanity to the topic at hoof, I do believe Rainbow Dash filled me in personally about her next encounter," Pilate said.
"Oh?" Bellesmith looked over. "Did the two of you have a long talk about her tragic experiences in Silvadel?"
"No, beloved, I speak of a noble soul whom she met just prior to setting forth across those desolate deathscapes." Pilate took a deep breath. His blind eyes closed as the zebra softly murmured to the desert winds. "It was a very solemn moment in Rainbow's journey... when she communed with an elder soul who brought tranquility and warm thoughts to her beleaguered mind."
"So, uh... I gotta go, C-Squared." Rainbow Dash pocketed the sound stone and flexed her wings. She stood gallantly before a deep ravine along the easternmost fringes of Darkstine. "It's not as though I'm totally gonna get wasted by some horrible, nebulous demise that will leave you forever fretting over my fate while the woesome darkness of senility and old age consumes you. Also, tell Zetta 'Thanks for the jacket'—"
"Just one moment, child." Cold Canter hobbled up and sat in a chair. "Please, humor me, if you will."
"Saaaay!" Rainbow smirked. "Where did you get that killer acoustic guitar?" A blink. "...or a harmonica for that matter?"
"Shhhhhh..." Cold Canter fluffed his perm and strummed away, singing: "Once upon a time you dashed so fine. You threw the horizons a dime in your prime, didn't you? Ponies would call, say, 'Beware Dash, you're bound to fall.' You thought they were all kiddin' you. You used to laugh about everypony that was hangin' out. Now your voice doesn't crack so loud. Now you don't dash so proud. About having to be spelunking for your next flame. How does it feel? How does it feel? To be without a home. Like a complete Austraeoh. Like a rainbow stone?"
Pilate sat in place with a dumb smile plastered to his striped muzzle.
Belle glared at him. At last, she sighed through a dull smirk. "Did you have fun getting that out of your system, dear?"
"What?" The stallion shrugged, his ears twitching. "I'm not allowed a modicum of whimsy as well?"
"One zebra's whimsy is another pony's plagiarism," Booster Spice said with a smirk.
"Stick to manafarts, four eyes," Zaid said.
Booster squinted. "An observation..." He pointed at himself. "I have goggles." He pointed at Props. "She has goggles."
"Yeah..." Zaid stuck his tongue out. "But Propsicle makes it sexy."
"Still..." Booster rubbed his chin. "I wonder if there's some quantifiable algorithm that could be formulated to explain the frequency with which Rainbow Dash stumbles upon ponies with an affinity for industrial work lenses." He smirked towards the others. "Of course... eheheh... what are the odds that she'll find another pony beyond the Choke who wears goggles all of the time?"
Ebon and Eagle exchanged blank expressions.
"Guhhhhhh..." Kera hopped and hopped on the couch. "Where arrrrrre theyyyyyy...?" She pouted, fuzzy ears and fluffy green tail drooping. "I wanna see them againnnn. Especially that 'Rayvinne' mare. Heehee. She's extra cute."
"Do you see the glowy-glowy goldie-goldie?" Props chirped.
"No, I see zippy-zippy nothing-nothing!" Kera growled.
"Maybe I should go and move the Tarkington from where I parked," Zaid said, starting to get up. "Give you a better view."
"Uh uh, Zaidy-Waidy." Props held him back, shaking her blonde head. "I don't think Uncky Prowsey would like that." She cleared her throat. "Especially after the last time you dinged it."
Zaid turned white as a sheet. He sat back with a shudder. "And here I thought Seclorum was getting gray hairs."
"Heeeeeeee..." Props leaned in to nuzzle his ear. "Dingmeisterrrr—"
"Propsicle, quit itttt."
"Mmmmmmmmm... cheese strings?"
The stallion wheezed, squirming through flushed lips. "Later."
"Aren't we... uhm..." Ebon Mane fidgeted in his seat. "Forgetting something?"
"Hmmm?" Belle looked over.
"There was one last major trial Rainbow endured before she ended up in Blue Shelf," Ebon said. "Where was it... Neigh Jersey?"
"Silvadel."
"Same thing."
"Hardly." Belle shook her head gravely. "Rainbow encountered many... many horrors there. Her journey was irrecoverably changed. And though she would become wiser and stronger from it... the scars left would run deep."
"Oh yes... now I remember." Ebon winced. "Mother have mercy... she encountered an entire hoard of dragons that had laid waste to an ancient kingdom and—"
"Ohhhhhhhhh no..." Josho stood up, shaking a fat hoof. "You are not gonna tell this tale, sailboat!"
"Erm... I w-wasn't about to." Ebon cleared his throat. "Not really."
"All for the best. You'd just... meh... ramble on and on about the dining cuisine of genocidal dragons or some crap."
"And you're complaining about this... ... ..." Eagle Eye peered at the obese pony. "... ... ...why, old stallion?"
"Because this is taking forever and I gotta piss!"
"Eugh... I swear. You never change."
"Alright!" Josho belched. "You want to know what happened?! I'll tell you!"
"Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!" Axan roared. "My name is Axan and I'm evil and I'm grrrrring! Grrrrrrrr!"
"No you!" And Rainbow Dash flew across the cave.
Axan's claw slammed into her.
ONOMATOPOEIA!!!
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaugh!" Rainbow fell in a bloody heap. "How could I not see this coming?!"
"Mwahahaha!" Axan stomped and stomped on her again. "Take that, my little pony! Oh shit! You're the Austraeoh! My bad! Uhm... Zetta! Or something"!
And then Ranbow was a zombie.
Josho shrugged. Then shrugged again.
"What? What?!"
"Hmmmmm..." Zaid tapped his scruffy chin. "Coulda used a bit more... pizzazz."
"Yeah!" Props pouted. "More pizz fah wizz and such!"
"Fine!" Josho slumped back to his seat. "Get Booster buns here to tell it! Have fun fetching a Val Roan dictionary beforehoof!"
The goggled stallion blinked. "Buh?"
"I swear to Searo's womb," rumbled a deep voice from the sidelines. "I leave these chambers for one measely hour, and everything is all nonsense and breeder spunk."
"Roarke!" Kera grinned wide. She hopped over two benches, bounced across the balcony, and leapt like a tatooed kite.
A half-metal bounty hunter smirked slyly. She reached a hoof out which Kera proceeded to twirl upon like a gymnastic bar. At last, the filly ended in a nimble pose across Roarke's nimble metal spine. "Tadaaa! Heehee! We missed youuuuuu!"
"You're getting meatier, child," Roarke droned. Her eye-lenses rotated in and out as she marched towards the center of the group. "In two years' time, you will surely be able to snap a grown naga's neck by simply pouncing on him."
"Roarkkkke..." Bellesmithe breathily chided.
"Alright, then." Roarke nodded, shouldering the filly as she squatted alongside the group. "Three years' time."
"Good tidings, you bring, Miss Roarke?" Pilate asked.
"I just finished speaking with an aide from King Lunarius," Roarke's voice rang in the desert air. She tossed her head back, allowing the long red locks to settle behind her. "There's a storm clouding the skies between here and Bountiful. It will make air travel most difficult for the next twelve hours."
"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." Props nod-nod-nodded. "So that explains the delay of the sex craterers."
"Can't the Sword of Solstice pierce the clouds n'stuff?" Kera asked, absent-mindedly braiding Roarke's scarlet threads from behind.
"Perhaps." Roarke exhaled. "But seeing as the Durandanans aren't used to this part of the continent—or any airscape beyond the crater proper—it is likely that they are playing safe... remaining in the Duchess' watchful custody within the House of Selhp."
"Hah!" Zaid smirked aside. "Those squirrels had better watch their nuts!" A half-metal hoof slapped across his scalp. "Ow!"
Roarke lowered her fetlock with a sigh. "I know that you were all greatly looking forward to hearing word from Celestia... and about Rainbow Dash." Her nostrils flare. "Searo knows I was."
"Awwwwwwwww..." Belle smiled, leaning her head against Pilate's striped shoulder. "I'm certain she's doing just fine, Roarke."
"Yeah!" Eagle Eye grinned wide. "Rainbow's faced waaaaaaaaaaay more trials than the rest of us combined!"
"Yes." Booster Spice nodded. "And the odds of her actually perishing before crossing the Grand Choke are only one hundred and fifty to—"
Ebon Mane cleared his throat.
Booster gulped, smiling nervously. "She'll be alright!"
"What if..." Kera finished one braid then moved on to another, exhaling solemly. "...she's on the Dark Side by now?"
"Yeah?" Props blinked. "And what if Dashie is?"
"Well, she can't very well talk to Celestia or Luna while she's over there, right?" Kera pouted. "Dude, Urohringr sucks."
"I was never too fond of Odrsjot, personally," Pilate added.
"Beloved," Belle chided.
"Nah, it's cool." Zaid winked. "He ain't alone."
"Well, at least we can... catch up?" Ebon said with a shrug. "I'm sure Rainbow and Luna have had several conversations by now, and most of that had to have been passed on to Celestia!"
"Indeed." Roarke nodded. "It is something to look forward to. Let us not give into dismay." She waved a hoof towards the darkening horizons. "Tomorrow brings plenty of opportunities to learn and share more stories of our... beloved pony's exploits."
"Yeah! And besides!" Josho grinned at the others. "It's not as though the dumb broad's made herself Public Enemy Number One of an entire continent again!" He smiled, blinking. "Right?" Another blink. "Cuz that would be stupid!"
For Those Of You Who Wish to Find Out More...
A Twelve Part Series
by
My lurve and thanks goes out to the Noble Jury, the Lunar Ninth, and all the other marsupials who've been following me all these years... fools or otherwise, you guys are the best.
-SS&E aka IC aka JE
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It's so great to hear about the Noble Jury and the lands before the Choke once more, and this is hilarious to boot. I hope they are able to hear about Rainbow's escapades from Celestia, and maybe even send a message back before Rainbow crosses to the dark side. Maybe?
Is this canon? Please say it's canon. Let this be canon.
It's really wonderful to see the old crew again. Darn it, I miss these guys.
ikr?! *shifts eyes*
I've never been so happy to read an April Fool's story.
Huh. I guess they wouldn't notice the return of magic, what with the magic dropoff beginning a hundred miles from val roa proper.
Which would mean they would find out from Celestia!
I'm not sure what, but I ship it.
Alright, who spiked the Dr. Pepper?
You friggin' tease!
If this is the abridged version, then I don't wanna see the full one.
.
.
.
Joking
----
Also, I missed these guys
I need this to be cannon, please? It is necessary for my continued enjoyment of Life,The Universe and Everything for this to be cannon.
...This, ladies and gentlemen, is what happens when you throw all reason to the wind... and just have the most fun you can.
Purposeful insanity with a grand reason to it.
I hope this stays up, so that we can get a second Austraeoh abridged when the series ends.
sounds like the Jury any time even a chance of shipping is in sight.
pff! Steelteeth best sparrow
ehm...of course not, however would you come up with such a prepostorous notion?
I think my forehead might be the right shade of red for the amount of times it hit my desk while reading this.
7083814 also: my sentiments exactly
Its not my fault I dont convey an appropiate assistive alliterative associate thing with me. Either its too large to carry readable without assistance, or small enough to carry, the needed microscopy apparatus is just as cumbersome.
TL:DR Props makes this look goood.
Says much when even the abridged, abridge version of a story is larger that a fair few stories Ive read here.
All those onomatopoeias, how could one not read this?
Can't think of many better ways to get a suplimental Jurist chapter out than through an accurate Jurist retelling of book 1.
Well, aside from the lack of Zetta.
Regardless of the date, I consider this to be canon.
And that about sums up everything! G'night all!
*rolls eyes* Ew, that old cliché! Ever since President Obama claimed this was his divine purpose on this Earth, EVERY writer's been glomming onto it!
This is glorious
Well, time for Skirts to stop writing.
Nothing else will ever come close to reaching the level of this story.
So.... Next time someone asks in the comments what the story is about we should link this? I've grown tired of finding new ways to say "it's good, no spoilers."
Also, Roarke! The best bounty hunter! How I have missed you. I figured something like this could definitely happen, using the sword to get updated on RD, I do hope it comes up in canon now. It has been a bit since the full moon.
I know it's just an April fools joke, but this was awesome.
I will consider this completely canonical until further notice.
I must break my silence to say: This was amusing, and I miss those guys.
My face hurts from smiling so hard through this whole thing.
I love you. So when do we get Eljunbyro?
can we play spot the Canadian? Please? I think I have an idea.
I absolutely love this, by the way.
Gold.
This is literally the best thing ever. Thank you, skirts.
That was surprisingly accurate.
And of course, how did I not notice it before? Zetta was Verlax all along!
I know i am probably a horrible Zetta.. err person but i really had a laugh at that one.
This is amazing, wait wrong A word. This is awesome.
Aw, dang. I enjoyed this far more than I should have.
I have a lot more of Austreaoh to read before finishing this chapter. hopefully I'll be able to read more/all of this by the end of summer!
Aieeeeeeeeeeee
I think this might be the greatest thing I've ever read.
Awwww... I so much wanted to find out what had happened to a certain elk.
LOL
I'm considering this canon until told otherwise. This is great.
7084557
Floydien flew west with Midnite Bastion.
Is the joke that the Abridged version is still fairly long?
But I digress, it was a nice trip down memory lane.
Allllllfuckingright, Skirts, no one asked for you to do any stupid crap on April Fools but heeere you go again ya flaming assfart, might as well see what bullashiet you decided to cook up today in lieu of giving me moar Dashiel—
…wait
wait skirts waht r u doin
no skirts please
SKIRTS STOP MY HEART ISNT READY FOR THIS
NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Eh, whatever.
HHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
media.giphy.com/media/n7TyooZtZn3Ko/giphy.gif
Yeah, I'm smiling like an idiot right now. Holy crap. As soon as I broke out of the first quote box I could not stop grinning.
Thanks for this. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go figure out how to put the broken pieces of my heart back together.
I love you, Jury.
BWAHAHAHAHAHA! That was great! Oh, how I have missed these delightful characters! If possible SS&E, could you make some more little snippets that lets us look back on these old characters? That was great!
This is canon.
I love the Jury.
Who left these onions here?
...I bet it was Zetta.
It's not very often one sees a silly, whacky April Fool's Day chapter that also ends up being substantive and seemingly canonical.
Also, how have I never considered how many goggle'd characters there are in this series?
I really, really hope that we can eventually come back to all the places Rainbow has gone and meet all the ponies she's left behind. There are some phenomenal characters that have been unfortunately left behind, and it'd be a damn shame if we don't see them one last time before the series ends.
Anyway, I couldn't stop smiling the whole time I read this.
What a great way to celebrate April Fools.
ROAAAAAARKE WE MISS YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
ARIEL IS STEALING YOUR WAIFU
PLZ COME BACK
(AND MAKE IT A THREESOME)Was nice to see the old Jury again, just shooting the breeze. Also good to know they bloody well remembered that shiny sword thingamajig.
Yeah I know right?
To be fair to Dash this time its largely because an insane Divine who redefines the concept of a Xanatos Gambit has set it all up to be that way. Largely. Dash is still Dash, after all.