- Member Since 14th Jun, 2012
- offline last seen Sep 16th, 2012
WackyTacky
I don't know what to put here. Maybe later.
WackyTacky
Joined 14th Jun, 2012 ·
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I'm calling it right now - Rarity buys it.
This was decent, although it should have been longer.
Yeah, this was my first ever fanfiction. The only things I've written before were nonsensical short stories.
newnation.sg/wp-content/uploads/mother-of-god.jpg
this was so akward story and i like from it.
Somehow Rarity makes me to think Grelond the Kind from Skyrim
Somehow this wrapped around into being hilarious.
This was fairly well written, but I have some critiques.
1. Rarity and Sweetie Belle are OOC. Rarity is dismissive, not cruel. And she cares about her life more than the blood stains on her clothes. Although Rarity wasn't too bad. Sweetie Belle....well, it's nearly impossible to write a grimdark without going OOC.
2. You need to separate your dialogue. When a different person speaks, they get a new line. For example:
The sun began to rise on another day in Equestria. Sweetie Belle was awoken
suddenly by the frantic bouncing of her fellow cutie mark crusaders on her bed.
"Sweetie Belle, wake up! We gotta get to crusadin' early today!", exclaimed
Applebloom with her usual enthusiasm. Sweetie rubbed her eyes and groaned.
"Wh..why so early?" Scootaloo flapped her tiny wings a bit as she chimed in.
"The pegasus ponies are scheduling quite a storm this evening, so we wanna
get as much fun in the day as we can before then!"
Should be:
The sun began to rise on another day in Equestria. Sweetie Belle was awoken
suddenly by the frantic bouncing of her fellow cutie mark crusaders on her bed.
"Sweetie Belle, wake up! We gotta get to crusadin' early today!", exclaimed
Applebloom with her usual enthusiasm.
Sweetie rubbed her eyes and groaned."Wh..why so early?"
Scootaloo flapped her tiny wings a bit as she chimed in. "The pegasus ponies are scheduling quite a storm this evening, so we wanna
get as much fun in the day as we can before then!"
3. This needs to be longer. It felt rushed. This could have been beautiful if you had really slowed it down. Especially the part about "being Rarity". You should have taken more time to explain how she got to this point.
4. You made a great attempt at this, but Sweetie Belle needs to be more indecisive. She needs to regret killing Rarity more, and needs to question why she would kill Rarity. Also, maybe show Rarity being sweet for a bit so Sweetie Belle feels worse about what she's about to do.
5. DAT ENDING. Waaaay too rushed. She killed her sister, for Celestia's sake! Spend a little more time writing a thoughtful ending, and elaborate on the song/cutie mark. At least express her crushing dissapointment at not getting a cutie mark similar to her sister's, and wondering if Rarity's death was pointless. And after she killed Rarity for the purpose of being Rarity, she never even ACTED like Rarity. I find this really odd, don't you?
All in all, this wasn't a terrible fic, it just has some plot holes and needs some renovation. For a decent grimdark, I give you 3 pinkamenas.
749180 buys what/
Oh, I forgot to mention: I love the title!
749879
Thanks for the critique. My biggest probably would definitely be rushing things. I've never sat down and written a long story before. [well, except for one, but it's being drawn so in my eyes that's different.] I'll keep all this in mind for when I decide to write another fanfic.
749893 "Buying it" = Dying
750475
Interesting. I've heard "bought the farm" but not "buying it" before. Neat-o.
This story could have worked wonderfully if you developed Raritys and Sweetie Belles relationship and made the story longer. For now I just got the feeling that Sweetie Belle had a few bad days and nothing more. One tip. If you want to write a good grimdark story you need to read a lot of them. I recommend ''Fluttershy goes to hell'', ''Pony Psychology'', ''Maledictum Insania'' and ''Shades of Pink'' to name a few. I don't think you should copy them but I think you should study them and think about what they were good at and what could be improved in them.
753387 Also Rainbow factory. That one's a classic, and pretty well-written.
753667
Yes, Rainbow Factory is great. The best part is that Dashie was pretty much in character. She cares about achievement , add a dash of crazy and she turns into one terrifying character. A mistake some grimdark writers do is to make one character crazy without a ground that's in character for the character they are writing about. And there is also those who have a good ground for their story but doesn't develop it enough.
I want to throw my computer out of the window when I see any of those two things I wrote about happening. Grimdarks are for me what fashion is for Rarity.
753755 I'm not a grimdark fanatic, but I do enjoy it when I'm in the mood. Poorly developed plots and characters, (such as in Cupcakes, Parchments, and Sweet Apple Massacre), are terrible. It's okay for a story to be gory, but not without a purpose).
755109
I understand what you mean, I hated Sweet Apple Massacre and I saw a terribly written Grimdark fic involving Fluttershy last year, I can't remember it's name but I was pissed. I think Grimdark is a beautiful genre when done right, the problem is that most people can't write a good grimdark to save their lives. As a grimdark fanatic that makes me sad. But then again nobody's perfect...
This was better than a lot of other ones I read in my days.
749879
"1. Rarity and Sweetie Belle are OOC. Rarity is dismissive, not cruel. And she cares about her life more than the blood stains on her clothes. Although Rarity wasn't too bad. Sweetie Belle....well, it's nearly impossible to write a grimdark without going OOC."
What about having an OC as the villain or something? The characters can better stay in character while being subjected to horrific scenarios.