Luna has always been an intimidating figure, but when she tries to reach out to the shyest pony in Equestria, will her plan follow through? Or will she be shunned even further?
Chapters (1)
cuck
Joined 9th Mar, 2012 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Brazilian Brony · 27k words · 64 6 · 7.3k views
- Bandy · 0 words · 267 26 · 0 views
- Enigma Pip · 1.5k words · 43 1 · 2.3k views
- shadowsreached · 1k words · 69 2 · 2.5k views
- EpicGuy · 4.3k words · 29 2 · 1.8k views
- Tramper · 2.5k words · 35 4 · 1.4k views
- Zof · 1k words · 31 17 · 7.3k views
- Turai · 2.6k words · 50 3 · 1.4k views
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.348 seconds
Total duration
1,047 users online
393,301 hits today, 2,571,732 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Okay, this is the first fic that I've published thus far, nervous would not even begin to describe how I feel right now about this.
977234
Naw, you're fine! People won't eat you alive. Just take their critiques to heart and learn from them. You can only grow from here, after all.
979390 yea i wrote the description like 2 months ago
You're on the internets now! Woo!
I like the story so far, it's a good set-up. Some typos scattered about, and some punctuation errors, but that's a small matter. I look forward to part 2
Wow really good so far keep up the good work
979413 not enough on teh internet
979420
Very much agreed
also very good start so......
i.imgur.com/KwtKR.jpg
For starters, allow me to tell you that this was pretty good. Most people's first publishing tends to be sub-par, but I'm glad this one wasn't. It does, however, still fall prey to some common first-timer's pit falls:
~Character naming: It's obvious who is talking to who in those sections after the first couple lines, it's ok to use he or she now and again. It wouldn't hurt to add some variety (Midnight Alicorn, solar princess, etc.) while weaving in some details to help set the scene together more.
That was a good job right there.
~Find an Editor Buddy: No writer ever catches all of their own errors. Having someone who knows the technical aspects of writing and is willing to bounce ideas with you is essential. There are quite a few minor errors here with commas, capitalizing, and the like, but they're all quick fixes.
~Color talking: Very few stories (only "White Box" comes to mind) make this work. Colors in a story should rarely be used. Unless there is a specific purpose, known or unknown to the reader base, for it, please stay away from colors. In a world of black and white text where visualization of vivid landscaping comes from the crafting of words, colors to distort that jar the reader more than you might realize. The effect can also come off as amateurish.
~Capitalize towns and places: Ponyville and Equestria are proper places and should be capitalized as such!
~Transition lines: It looks kind of funky if you make a line that looks like I'm supposed to cut the page with safety scissors. Transition sections can be small blurbs (example: ~~~ or <¤> or whatever you want) or even a small gap in the text. Your readers will understand there was a break, and if they don't, they'll let you know.
Seriously, good job though.
Cheers
~Cosmic
979517 actually that was a mess up on my part, I really don't like using "yellow pegasus, or lunar alicorn" in my stories becuse it's sorta like I assume my audience is to stupid to remember what the characters look likedl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Luna_apple.png
also i just need to pre-read harder, I rarely let a mess up slip when i read other stories so others should expect that out of me to (i just skimmed the story for the basics before uploading it
)
979550
Naw man, I'm an insane grammar Nazi, and just yesterday I noticed a missing period in one of my old fics - writers unconsciously ignore grammatical errors.
However I do like where this is going - just find an editor(I'm available, but swamped with work so expect delays so if you want a fast response, find someone else).
979958 Trust me, I'm normally very vigilant of things like that, I just made the error of skimming before publishing, the next chapter should be better written and will be grammatically and punctually perfect.
More please :D
Ive never seen a fic that shipped luna and fluttershy and so far it is definitely good in not only the description but also the idea of the story. Im not a stickler for good grammar so you will want someone else with that.
you shall be awarded more moustaches as more chapters come out
979550
Aheh... wow. That's a... for the lack of some better wording: a really stupid assumption. We love seeing creative writing, not a copy/press of every name where it's required. Frankly, it just comes of as annoying when I see:
Random bad story example:
Twilight sparkle decided that today, she'd go out and find out why her mail was missing. But Twilight didn't realize that the weather would be bad today so she didn't bring her umbrella. Twilight then got soaked.
Most of the fanfiction audience is at least in high school. Chances are if they're coming to a fanfiction site, they know how to read decently well.
P.S. don't kid yourself, no matter how "hard" you pre-read and cross examine every detail with an electron microscope for precision detail, a different set of eyes -will- discover things you never would have, even if they're minor details.
The only useful criticism I can think of is that no real justification is given for Luna having any particular attraction towards or connection with Fluttershy. Sure, she looks up when Fluttershy said her first line of the play, but what's going through Luna's head to make her look up? What puts her on a pedestal in Luna's mind?
Instead of telling us Luna has a little crush on her (which is essentially what happens here), why not let us watch said crush develop out of its beginnings and grow into something greater?
Poor Flutters
Good so far and can turn out great. I will keep watching :3
Take all my internets just PLZ continue!!!!!
Yay! 
P.S. Have five mustaches!
977234 good start nice cliffhanger
Wow. This was quite good. Please continue.
The only real complaint I have is that the story seemed a bit rushed towards the end. Other than that, it's great!
When are you going to update this?
1726162 somewhere between tomorrow and never
1726540
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Rarity.png
Why? Why has this story become a sunken shipfic?
1890980 It's not sunken, It's just not done be written
Phagget
Do you even update
2282837 phagget plz
2309713 write __phagg();
UPDAET PLS
2823897 eh eh eh maybe
2824215
please update....
derpicdn.net/img/view/2012/12/30/198049.gif
3202594 static4.fjcdn.com/thumbnails/comments/Goggle+I+_be9c8bf9150163cd8eb1fa3524746f48.gif
Scootaloo, I...
more plz
4065224 to be honest idk when I'm going to actually post chapter 2
Procrastinating is just so much easier to do
4069787
Meh true but it's soooo good
4075229 Well I'm glad you liked it
4076317
Ok...