Chapter 1
Ch.1 Final
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As the train pulled up to Canterlot station, Fluttershy picked her head up from the window and looked out onto the tall spires of Canterlot Castle.
Oh my.
Fluttershy’s heartbeat picked up.
They’re going to be expecting more out of me, a-a-and I’m going to screw up, and then they’re all going to laugh and I won’t-
“Fluttershy?” came Twilight’s voice from the other side of the cab.
“Are you okay? It seems like something’s on your mind.”
Twilight trotted over to Fluttershy’s side of the cab.
“Oh, it’s fine Twilight, I’m just thinking about the play is all.”
“Yea, I’m pretty nervous about it.” Twilight lied.
“Really?”
“Fluttershy, It’s not easy for anybody to get up in front of other ponies, I bet even Celestia still gets nervous.”
“Yea, I guess you're right Twilight, it’s not different from last year right?”
“Not a single line.” Twilight smiled before they heard the whistle blow from the train signaling that they had arrived at Canterlot station.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“I still don’t understand why I have to go see this play Tia, I was there when it actually happened! It’s not like you made me go last year!” Luna slumped down in the carriages seat and put on her best frown.
“Lulu, last year you had hardly been home for a year and a half, you needed to spend all your time catching up on 1000 years of history. But now you're caught up more or less and need to show the public that we aren't just keeping you locked up in a tower.” Celestia chuckled while Luna said something under her breath.
Celestia looked taken aback.
“Maybe we did leave you up in that tower to long, I hadn’t realized you would be so against the idea of going to something as simple as a play.”
“If you would return me to my room we wouldn’t have a problem, I was going to spend this time reading more on `Obscure Unicorn History`.”
“Lulu, you’re going to this play if we have to bind you to your seat. The last time you even left the castle grounds was last Nightmare Night.” Celestia huffed. Luna was about to argue that, but decided against it.
Finally quiet.
The carriage came to a halt and the chauffeur opened the cab.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A hush fell over the crowd as the lights in the massive room faded out.
A whisper came from one of the balconies.
“Luna, don’t even try sneaking out.”
A sigh came out from behind Celestia’s seat and then she heard a thud as luna uncaringly plopped herself back onto her seat.
“Do you really have to be so childish right now Luna? It’s not that much to ask to sit through a play. You used to love coming to plays with me.”
“But not a historical play that I already know about, I could be reading up more one the last war with the griffons, economics of mule transportation, re-learning things just isn’t interesting.”
“If I’ve had to sit through it 1001 times since you last saw it, I think you can take time out of your busy schedule, now hush.”
This time Luna could hear the seriousness in her sister's voice and decided to hold off on the whining for now.
It’s not whining if I’m right.
“Atten-tion! Well? Aren't you curious about how it went?”
Luna’s ears perked up at the statement from the stage.
“Oh! Commander Hurricane, sir! How did it go, sir?”
Luna picked herself up from her slouching position in her chair and, for the first time all night, looked at the stage.
Celestia took note of this and started looking at Luna.
“Horribly! Those other tribe leaders are so disrespectful! Don't they realize that we are a mighty tribe of warriors, and should not be crossed? We have got to break ranks with those weak foals!”
Once the scene was over, Luna went back to her slouching position and looked at the railing once again.
Celestia rolled her eyes, then focused back on the play.
After the two princesses had returned to their carriage, Celestia smiled at Luna.
“So was it as bad as you thought it was?”
“Truthfully we- I didn’t think it was as bad as I thought it was going to be, however I still think my time could have been used more efficiently if I had brought a book along.”
Celestia rolled her eyes.
She’s making this a habit for me.
Then a memory struck her.
“I noticed you started paying attention when commander hurricane came on the stage, care to explain that?”
Celestia smirked and Luna said nothing
“Maybe you just have a crush on that rainbow maned pegasus friend of Twilight.”
Luna’s face turned red and her eyes opened up wider.
“You really expect me to have feelings for such a thick skulled crowd-pleasing pegasus? Absurd, one who constantly needs that much attention would need to get very many drinks into me before I even thought of considering them in such a way you did.”
Celestia chewed this over for a minute.
“So... does that mean-”
“Looks like we have arrived back home anyway Tia, I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Of course sister, goodnight.”
Celestia chuckled on her way to her chambers.
Am I getting that old?
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Fluttershy awoke from her bed and stretched her muscles.
She got up and saw a note on her door.
Fluttershy,
We all headed into town to finish up some errands while we are still in Canterlot. Feel free to do so yourself, but just don't miss the train.
~Twilight
Fluttershy looked at the clock on the wall.
10:38 am? But I always get up sooner than that. It was a comfortable bed....
Fluttershy tried to think of something she wanted to do while she was still in Canterlot but came up empty. She could get more feed but the prices are always steeper in the cities than they are in Ponyville so she decided that she’ll just wait until she gets home.
I hope the animals in the gardens don't hate me. I could go see if they are still mad at me in my free time.
She thought twice about it.
Well the princess never did give us the whole tour, maybe I could go explore the castle before we have to leave.
Fluttershy began to explore the in’s and out’s of the castle. She met guard by the name Aegis. She talked to him about how he was resigning from the royal guard very soon because of an injury that crippled him. She gave him her condolences and continued out through the castle. She passed by the gardens and lingered around the exit until a squirrel gave her a particular look. The message was received and Fluttershy mouthed “I’m sorry” through the window before leaving.
On her venture she came to a large door with a crescent moon insignia embroidered upon the translucent window.
Wow, I haven't seen anything like this in the castle yet. I should probably ask princess Celestia if it's ok that I go in here. But maybe it's not that big of a deal if I just go in, we are running out of time to be in Canterlot.
That was true, she had almost used all of her time exploring the castle and knew that the train would be departing soon.
A quick look inside won't hurt anypony.
So, very carefully, she entered the mysterious room. Upon entering she could see books, lots and lots of books all sorted neatly into large bookcases that were at least 30 feet tall.
Is this another library?
She continued to explore the dimly lit room until she came upon two large staircases leading up to some sort of a viewing area.
Wow that view looks stunning.
She started to walk up the steps. She had hardly made it up four steps before one of them creaked.
“WHO DARES TO ENTER OUR CHAMBERS DURING OUR SLUMBER?!” The voice boomed from the top of the staircase.
Oh my.
Fluttershy’s heart started doing double time as her eyes went as wide as saucers.
“I'm so sorry I-I-I I'm leaving I'm sorry I'm sorry."
Fluttershy began running out of the room with tears streaming down her face.
"Wait! Please don't go! We were simply unaware of thine entrance!" The Princess of the night said from the top of the staircase. But it was too late, Fluttershy had already removed herself from the room with a trail of tears showing her path.
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Luna walked into Celestia’s throne room and approached her sister.
I had almost forgot it was hearths warming day.
Luna’s gut sunk lower as she thought of her recent incident with the yellow pegasus.
I must look like the biggest bully in Equestria...
When she finally arrived at her sister’s throne, Celestia could see something was the matter and decide to speak up first.
“Something on your mind Lulu?”
“Tia, what do you do when you mess up something?”
Celestia looked at Luna and could see tears bordering on her eyelids.
“Well I usually go directly to that person and apologize, why? What happened?”
“I just got done yelling at someone that I thought to be a guard.”
“Who was it?”
“It was, umm.... Fluttershy” Luna said barely above a whisper.
Celestia’s wide eyes were soon replaced with those of sympathy.
I wonder if she’s ever going to leave her tower now.
“Ok I have an idea on how you could fix this.”
Luna looked up from the floor and into her sister’s gaze.
“W-what did you have in mind?”
“Twilight is very good friends with the pegasus, if you or I ask her to help out with your unique situation, I’m sure she would be more than happy to help.”
There was a twinkle in Luna’s eyes before a large grin came across her face.
“Ok, I’ll go consult her right now, which room is she staying in?”
Celestia’s smile faded
“Actually, they’ve already left for Ponyville, but you look like you should get back to sleep before you go, they need to get settled back to Ponyville in the first place anyways.”
“Very well then sister, I shall see you in a few hours, good afternoon.”
With that, the dark princess returned to her chambers.
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Okay, this is the first fic that I've published thus far, nervous would not even begin to describe how I feel right now about this.
977234
Naw, you're fine! People won't eat you alive. Just take their critiques to heart and learn from them. You can only grow from here, after all.
979390 yea i wrote the description like 2 months ago
You're on the internets now! Woo!
I like the story so far, it's a good set-up. Some typos scattered about, and some punctuation errors, but that's a small matter. I look forward to part 2
Wow really good so far keep up the good work
979413 not enough on teh internet
979420
Very much agreed
also very good start so......
i.imgur.com/KwtKR.jpg
For starters, allow me to tell you that this was pretty good. Most people's first publishing tends to be sub-par, but I'm glad this one wasn't. It does, however, still fall prey to some common first-timer's pit falls:
~Character naming: It's obvious who is talking to who in those sections after the first couple lines, it's ok to use he or she now and again. It wouldn't hurt to add some variety (Midnight Alicorn, solar princess, etc.) while weaving in some details to help set the scene together more.
That was a good job right there.
~Find an Editor Buddy: No writer ever catches all of their own errors. Having someone who knows the technical aspects of writing and is willing to bounce ideas with you is essential. There are quite a few minor errors here with commas, capitalizing, and the like, but they're all quick fixes.
~Color talking: Very few stories (only "White Box" comes to mind) make this work. Colors in a story should rarely be used. Unless there is a specific purpose, known or unknown to the reader base, for it, please stay away from colors. In a world of black and white text where visualization of vivid landscaping comes from the crafting of words, colors to distort that jar the reader more than you might realize. The effect can also come off as amateurish.
~Capitalize towns and places: Ponyville and Equestria are proper places and should be capitalized as such!
~Transition lines: It looks kind of funky if you make a line that looks like I'm supposed to cut the page with safety scissors. Transition sections can be small blurbs (example: ~~~ or <¤> or whatever you want) or even a small gap in the text. Your readers will understand there was a break, and if they don't, they'll let you know.
Seriously, good job though.
Cheers
~Cosmic
979517 actually that was a mess up on my part, I really don't like using "yellow pegasus, or lunar alicorn" in my stories becuse it's sorta like I assume my audience is to stupid to remember what the characters look likedl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Luna_apple.png
also i just need to pre-read harder, I rarely let a mess up slip when i read other stories so others should expect that out of me to (i just skimmed the story for the basics before uploading it
)
979550
Naw man, I'm an insane grammar Nazi, and just yesterday I noticed a missing period in one of my old fics - writers unconsciously ignore grammatical errors.
However I do like where this is going - just find an editor(I'm available, but swamped with work so expect delays so if you want a fast response, find someone else).
979958 Trust me, I'm normally very vigilant of things like that, I just made the error of skimming before publishing, the next chapter should be better written and will be grammatically and punctually perfect.
More please :D
Ive never seen a fic that shipped luna and fluttershy and so far it is definitely good in not only the description but also the idea of the story. Im not a stickler for good grammar so you will want someone else with that.
you shall be awarded more moustaches as more chapters come out
979550
Aheh... wow. That's a... for the lack of some better wording: a really stupid assumption. We love seeing creative writing, not a copy/press of every name where it's required. Frankly, it just comes of as annoying when I see:
Random bad story example:
Twilight sparkle decided that today, she'd go out and find out why her mail was missing. But Twilight didn't realize that the weather would be bad today so she didn't bring her umbrella. Twilight then got soaked.
Most of the fanfiction audience is at least in high school. Chances are if they're coming to a fanfiction site, they know how to read decently well.
P.S. don't kid yourself, no matter how "hard" you pre-read and cross examine every detail with an electron microscope for precision detail, a different set of eyes -will- discover things you never would have, even if they're minor details.
The only useful criticism I can think of is that no real justification is given for Luna having any particular attraction towards or connection with Fluttershy. Sure, she looks up when Fluttershy said her first line of the play, but what's going through Luna's head to make her look up? What puts her on a pedestal in Luna's mind?
Instead of telling us Luna has a little crush on her (which is essentially what happens here), why not let us watch said crush develop out of its beginnings and grow into something greater?
Poor Flutters
Good so far and can turn out great. I will keep watching :3
Take all my internets just PLZ continue!!!!!
Yay! 
P.S. Have five mustaches!
977234 good start nice cliffhanger
Wow. This was quite good. Please continue.
The only real complaint I have is that the story seemed a bit rushed towards the end. Other than that, it's great!
When are you going to update this?
1726162 somewhere between tomorrow and never
1726540
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Rarity.png
Why? Why has this story become a sunken shipfic?
1890980 It's not sunken, It's just not done be written
Phagget
Do you even update
2282837 phagget plz
2309713 write __phagg();
UPDAET PLS
2823897 eh eh eh maybe
2824215
please update....
derpicdn.net/img/view/2012/12/30/198049.gif
3202594 static4.fjcdn.com/thumbnails/comments/Goggle+I+_be9c8bf9150163cd8eb1fa3524746f48.gif
Scootaloo, I...
more plz
4065224 to be honest idk when I'm going to actually post chapter 2
Procrastinating is just so much easier to do
4069787
Meh true but it's soooo good
4075229 Well I'm glad you liked it
4076317
Ok...