Formerly 6samuelb
This story is a sequel to Undeliverable
Derpy has been missing from Ponyville for a little while, but an impossible letter is about to bring her back as her old life and her new one collide. One she thought dead has apparently returned, and memories she'd rather bury are being unearthed.
A sequel to Undeliverable and A Mother's Lover Never Dies by Ocalhoun for his Big 250K Contest
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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So cute!
Twilight: "
ALL RIGHT! As PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE, I DEMAND to know WHO in this bloody village ISN'T a BUCKING SECRET AGENT!!??"
"
"
....Huh! Something's seriously wrong with EUP-6 procedures if that's true!"
"
*the rest of the Mane 6 and Diamond Tiara raise their hooves*
Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Rarity, Twilight, Diamond Tiara: "
Applejack: "Wait!? Applebloom? Scootaloo?? Sweetie Belle??? But ain't ya guys been looking for yer Cutie Marks?? How can ya be secret agents!"
Applebloom: "Celestia's School for Gifted Blank Flanks, Class of AB 992: Special Blank Flank Division."
Diamond Tiara: "Silver Spoon!?"
Silver Spoon: "Same graduating class as the CMC. Why do you think I always so reluctant about joining you in harassing them? But I had to maintain my cover."
Diamond Tiara: "futa"
Twilight: "Hold up a moment! Pinkie Pie? You're not a secret agent? With all your weird abilities?"
Pinkie Pie *shrugs*: "Sorry, Twilight. I can't keep a secret to save my life, so the princesses won't give me a security clearance. Of course, I can spot a spook as soon as I look at them. That's why I was so shocked when we first met--you were the only the sixth pony I've ever seen in Ponyville who wasn't an agent, besides myself."
Rainbow Dash: "And you kept this a secret all this time?"
Pinkie Pie: "Who was I going to tell? It's no fun playing 'Spot The Spook' if everypony's a spook! And they already knew you guys WEREN'T. So I Pinkie Promised myself I wouldn't say anything.
Rainbow Dash: "
Twilight: "
7079603 Haha, PERFECT!
This got off to kind of a bad start, but in the end, it was a pretty fun story. :D
I really want to enjoy this story, and I think there's a good story in there, one that could be really fun to read and really take everything from the original to a whole new level... but... But you really need to work on your paragraphing and dialog attributing. Huge blocks of it were very difficult to understand, not knowing who was saying and doing what. (Combined with at least one instance of you deliberately hiding who the POV character was until the end of the section, which doesn't help.) This story could be really great if it were easier to understand and just a bit more clear, but as of now, things get muddled and confused, leaving me with only some nice tidbits of good scenes, but not sure I'm connecting them in the right way.
cdn-img.fimfiction.net/group/vkuc-1448531607-209408-128
A review for ocalhoun's big 250k contest.
Remember to vote for the winner of the People's Choice award!
The rankings and ratings of stories in the contest are visible in real time, and you can see them here.
I like this, it has it's flaws, but I really like your idea here. Funny thing is, thanks to the movie, it seems more or less canon.