A Pensive Apology
“…Luna, can I only say one thing? Then I promise that you won’t ever have to see my face again.”
Have you ever felt like you were walking on a cloud? Just floating through life, so far removed from your physical existence that you felt like caricature of yourself? Almost as though you were living in a hellish dreamscape, and none of the trauma you’d endured over the past few days had truly happened? But then suddenly freight train called reality sneaks up on you and barrels into you full force, knocking the wind out of you and leaving you helpless to pull yourself back up to your hooves?
In that instant, that was precisely how Twilight felt.
Now, sleep had always a precious commodity for her. She specialized in staying awake into the thin of the night, buried in some textbook or something equally as trivial, until suddenly it was three in the morning and she needed to be awake in three hours to present her final project to her history professor in order to pass her class.
This time was different, though. Usually it was a lack of sleep for a want of trying; this time it was a lack of sleep despite her best efforts to do so. These past few nights had all transpired similarly, but the night previous had been by far the worst. Instead of almost to no rest, Twilight got literally none—absolutely zero seconds of slumber. For the entirety of the night, she merely laid there, listlessly staring at her ceiling fan as the gravity of everything finally struck her, holding her in that one spot.
Twilight had been so caught up in how she would be affected by everything that she hadn’t stopped to truly think about the damage she’d done. Yes, she’d been peripherally cognizant of what she’d done, but the the reality of it only struck her late last night.
She had literally stolen an eternity. Hundreds of thousands of millions of lifetimes’ worth of time gone, just like that. Luna’s life was now finite. She would live and die like everyone else, forced to watch her sister live on. Twilight couldn’t fathom how badly that had to hurt, to lose the only constant thing in her life…
…Luna stared forward blankly, mulling over Twilight’s words. After a long moment, she uttered one word: “Continue.”
Twilight nodded, taking a deep breath. “I… in the chaos of everything, I guess I never really got the chance to apologize to you. To truly apologize, I mean,” Twilight mumbled, the words starting to pour out faster and faster the more she spoke. “I… I know that what I did was unforgivable, but I need you to know that I didn’t do what I did with the intent of harming you. I hadn’t thought about the effect the Elements would have on you, only on the Nightmare, and I… I… I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how terrible it must feel, to have lost everything. Your magic, your immortality, your health… I’m so, sorry, Luna. I’m sorry. I know it’s not enough, but I hope that you can forgive me.”
Luna’s reply was cold and soft, delivered like a gentle dagger directly to the gut. “…It’s more than that, you know.”
Twilight didn’t reply; she didn’t trust herself to. So she waited for Luna to continue.
"My one and only sister cannot even be bothered to see me in the flesh. So she sends you, of all ponies, in her stead—how do you think that feels?”
Twilight watched Luna become increasingly more worked up as she talked. Her words were still spoken gently and expressively, but they were filled with the most raw, most unadulterated, most painful truth imaginable. Somehow, it stung a thousand times more than the blunt aggression Luna had displayed yesterday. This version of Luna… she felt far more real.
“Meanwhile,” Luna continued, “I cannot even breathe without it feeling as though my lungs are going to collapse in on themselves. Perhaps I'll get better with the passage of time, but it does not matter in the slightest. My time is finite and I’ve lost my magic. You whisked my entire future from me whilst I was unable to defend myself, and now I'm nothing but another pony.”
“No… I’m less that that,” Luna added.
A long silence passed by. Twilight pursed her lips.
“Twilight Sparkle…” she continued, “do you even realize that I can no longer raise my moon? …The moon and the stars, they were the only things I ever had. They were the only things that were mine in this world. And now they're gone. I… I truly have nothing. Do you realize, Twilight Sparkle? Do you realize? You cannot possibly understand everything you’ve taken from me. So I’m sorry if I cannot look you directly in the eyes. I’m sorry if I cannot forgive you. I’m sorry if I don’t think that I ever will. But that… that is simply the way that it is.”
Twilight swallowed the lump in her throat, her eyes dry and puffy. She stared at Luna, whose gaze still remained directly on her lap. It stung all the more, not being able to see just how hurt she was.
“I… I understand,” Twilight said. “Thank you for listening, at least.”
Another pause. Then, Twilight could visibly see Luna’s jaw tense as she struggled to hold back her anger. “Now please, Twilight Sparkle, leave me be."
Without needing to be told twice, Twilight turned and exited the room. As soon as she was out of earshot, she began to run, galloping full speed away from that forsaken hospital room and out into the blinding light of day, feeling more broken and more helpless than she had before exchanging words with Luna.
And as she ran, the judgmental looks of perfect strangers boring into her like knives, she realized that she wasn’t sure what she had expected before walking into that room. It needed to be done, yes, but there was no way Luna ever would be able to forgive her. Of course there she wouldn’t. How could Twilight have been so stupid?
Twilight needed to talk to someone, anyone. But… she had nowhere to go. Talking with Celestia was out of the question. Her new friends were too far away, and she wasn’t entirely ready to throw herself at them just yet—not when she was this much of a trainwreck. She did have one place left to turn to, though…
It was a strange feeling, knocking on the door of your childhood home. Once upon a time, Twilight could’ve entered unannounced and pranced her way up to her room without anyone batting an eye. But years and years had passed since then, and even if the house felt the same as it did back then, everything else had changed drastically.
A few moments after she knocked, Twilight heard her mother’s sing-song voice call out to her. Then, suddenly, the door flew inward so quickly that Twilight felt herself tumble forward, and before she could regain her balance, her mother let out a gasp and pulled her into a tight embrace.
“Twilight!” she cried out. “I’m so proud of you! Saving the world—your brother ought to be jealous of you, he should!”
…Proud?
…
…Oh.
Yeah. That.
“Hi, mom,” Twilight managed to croak out, trying not to suffocate from her mother’s strangle-hug.
“Sweetie, I’m so glad you decided to stop by. I just—” Twilight Velvet pulled away to get a look at her daughter’s face. Her smile faltered. “Twilight…? Are you alright?”
“Do you have time to talk, mom?”
“Of course,” she replied. “Come inside, dear, it’s cold out. I’ll start some tea while you gather your thoughts, alright?”
Soon enough, the two of them were settled down on the couch with a cup of chamomile tea in-hoof. And with a deep breath, Twilight went back the beginning: the very beginning, before she was sent to Ponyville in the first place, and told her mother everything.
It took six and a half cups of tea—each—but eventually her mother was entirely caught up on the situation Twilight was facing.
“Well, you’ve certainly gotten yourself into quite the predicament, now haven’t you?” her mother said.
“Yeah, you could definitely say that.” Twilight smiled half-heartedly. “But how do I get out? I don’t want to upset Princess Celestia by going against her wishes, especially since she’s never asked anything of this magnitude of me before, but I also don’t want to hurt Luna any more than I already have. I just… I don’t know what to do.”
“Have you tried talking to Princess Celestia?” Twilight Velvet asked.
“Yesterday morning, yes.”
Twilight Velvet shook her head. “No, I mean really talking to her. I know how passive you can be, Twilight. Did you really assert yourself? Maybe she just thought you were exaggerating.”
“Even if I wasn’t firm enough, Luna told her point blank that she didn’t want me there. If that didn’t get the message across, I don’t know what will.”
Her mom pursed her lips. “You never know. I think it’s worth a shot still. From what you were saying, it seems like Princess Celestia has been pretty distant lately, so maybe she did honestly misunderstand you.”
Twilight sighed. “I… I suppose I can try to talk to her tomorrow, but what if it doesn’t work? What do I do then?”
“Well, then you’re stuck with Luna, right?” she asked. “Do everything you can to get on her good side. Be polite, stay out of her way, maybe even buy her a small gift or something—whatever you think that she would want. In time she will warm up to you.”
“I don’t think that’s going to work either,” Twilight replied. “She was pretty adamant about me staying away. I think showing up again would only make things even worse.”
“I… I’m not sure what to tell you, Twily. You’re in quite the pickle,” Twilight Velvet said. “Of course, you could always go and see your friends back in Ponyville. Staying away from Canterlot might do you some good. Talking it out with ponies your age will help, too.”
Twilight nodded softly. “I… I think I’d like that, but I don’t want to overwhelm them with my problems. I’ve only really known them for a week, after all.”
“It’s worth a shot. I say that you should go. And besides, I’m sure they miss you just as much as you miss them.”
“I… I’ll think about it,” Twilight said. Her mind automatically jumped to the unsent letter sitting on her desk from last night. She couldn’t help but second guess herself. Was it right for her to send it? She didn’t want to burden them with her troubles—they were hers and hers alone. This whole predicament was rather heavy, and she would hate to encumber them with it. Perhaps she should just burn that silly letter…
Twilight Velvet paused for a moment then sighed, seeing the strained look on Twilight’s face. “If all else fails, dear, just remember to give it time. Time heals all wounds.”
Twilight clutched her legs closer to her chest. Barely audible, Twilight mumbled, “Yeah, but if there were ever a wound time couldn’t heal, it would probably be this one.”
Her mom’s face contorted into a frown. “Sweetie…” she said, leaning over and wrapping her hooves around Twilight, pulling her into the comforting kind of hug only mothers can give. “I know it might not seem like it now, but I promise that everything will turn out fine—and you know that I would never break one of our promises.”
Twilight snuggled into her mother’s embrace, hiding from the rest of the world. A moment of silence passed between them before either of them spoke.
“…And besides,” Twilight Velvet added, “if it comes down to it and you’re a renegade on the run from the law, I’m sure your brother wouldn’t mind keeping you hidden. I know your father and I would do the same, but this would be the first place they’d come looking for you.”
“…”
“…”
“…I love you, mom.”
“I love you too, Twily.”
Suddenly, a very masculine voice grunted from somewhere behind them. They both turned to see Twilight’s father standing in the open doorway, one eyebrow raised cautiously. After making eye contact with both of them, he exhaled loudly through his nose. “Well, I think I’m going to go ahead and pretend that I didn’t hear anything. Carry on then, you two.”
As the door to her parent’s home closed behind her, Twilight let out a sigh of relief. Or a sigh of something close to relief—relief was an emotion pretty far out of her grasp at the moment—but she’d certainly walked out of that familiar doorway feeling much better than she had entering it.
With that sublime feeling of almost-contentment deep in her gut, she pressed onward toward Canterlot Castle, placing one hoof in front of another. She decided to walk slowly; it would be nice to enjoy in the fresh air while she could.
The rest of the evening had gone rather well. Once she’d explained everything to her father, he’d given her much the same advice as her mother had, albeit with significantly more anger at Celestia and her role in Twilight’s dilemma. It was decidedly unjustified, of course, but it made Twilight feel a lot better, even if her parents were obligated to always be on her side no matter how wrong she might be.
While she was explaining everything to her dad, her mother had floated off to the kitchen to cook dinner for them. For that, Twilight was extremely grateful. It hadn’t even mattered what it was at the time; any home-cooked meal was comfort food, and comfort was exactly what she needed in that moment. Then, once everyone finished eating, they shared a few more hugs and Twilight was off once again.
Leisurely trotting down the empty streets of Canterlot, Twilight mulled over her tentative plan. For right now, she would just head back to her room. The sun had begun to slip beneath the horizon, and she didn’t quite have the strength to see either Princess Celestia or Luna quite yet. Tomorrow morning, though, she would sit down with Celestia and explain her conflict in its entirety. Hopefully Celestia would understand, but perhaps she wouldn’t. Either way, she would ask Celestia to head back to Ponyville for a time in order to see her friends, which hopefully she would agree to regardless.
Naturally there were a lot of ways for this plan to go awry. Things likely wouldn’t run quite as smoothly as she had planned (as per usual), but it felt good to have a general sense of direction. And as she rapidly neared the castle gates, that was just about the only thing that did feel good.
Wanting to avoid an accidental run-in with any of the ponies she was trying to avoid, Twilight used the dark to her advantage, blending in as much as she could and slowly slinking her way toward her room. She could have teleported, but she decided not to risk it; doing so always left a strong magical signature, and she didn’t want the guards thinking there was something wrong.
Soon enough, she made it to the bottom of the same old spiral stairway. With her daily sigh of irritation, she started her ascent. When she eventually did reach the top, she didn’t bother to stop to gather her bearings. Instead she simply plowed right through the door and into the room, locking it behind her without a second thought.
Surprisingly, the room was untouched from that morning. Her sheets were still tousled and her blinds still pulled firmly shut. Even though the castle maids hadn’t been there to clean, however, something was different:
On her desk, resting directly atop Twilight’s own unsent letter, was another letter addressed to her. Curious, she plodded over and levitated it into her line of sight. After staring blankly at it, almost as though it would somehow unravel itself, she carefully opened it and began to read.
Dear Twilight,
I hope everything is going well in Canterlot. Things are finally seeming to settle back down for the rest of us; the other ponies were treating us differently at first, always telling us that we were heroes now (you especially!) but that’s mostly stopped in the last few days. I’m glad that they are appreciative, but I’m probably more glad that we’re not really in the spotlight anymore. Rainbow absolutely loves it, though. I’m sure she’ll be rather upset once this all finally blows over.
Most of the structural damage to the town has been rebuilt, too. The normal hustle and bustle of everyday life is starting to take over again. Oh, and it’s almost harvesting season, too! Applejack says she can’t wait for you to try her cider, since you never got the chance to in the chaos of everything. Sorry if this all seems a little silly—not a ton else has gone on in the past few days—but we all wanted to keep you posted with everything, even if it is a tad silly.
Anyway, I’m writing you on behalf of the rest of the girls as well. We all just wanted to reach out and let you know that we miss you and that we’re worried about you. We know this is a stressful time for you, and we know you hold yourself responsible, but you really shouldn’t. You did everything you could, and you saved the world. Asking any more of you would be absurd. Don’t forget that.
If you get the chance (I’m sure you’re incredibly busy), we would absolutely love to hear from you. Again, we’re worried about you. Just remember that we’ll always be right here if you need anything.
With Love,
Fluttershy (and Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash)
P.S. I miss you too! Hope I get to see you again soon. Fluttershy is fun and all, but I miss hanging out with you. –Spike
Twilight’s jaw clenched. She felt her heart drop in her gut like an anchor. The letter fell from her grasp and gently fluttered down to the floor, landing face down underneath the desk. She didn’t pick it up. She simply stood there, statuesque, rooted in her spot. The entire castle was silent.
For the first time in an eternity, Twilight cried.
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Oh, woe is her. She has lost "everything," and now she will need to wallow in the mud and filth of mortality. Just like all the rest of us. But it's not like we matter, we're "nothing but another mortal," after all.
I guess it's hard to face the reality that without all that power and immortality you were born to and never had to work for, you're really not all that terribly special after all, isn't it? Great way to really make people lose sympathy in the character, can't put it any differently.
Ah, family. Can't buy that kind of devotion, oh no.
7304188 I agree, Luna's acting like a petulant child and it's not reall y Twilight's fault for what happened. Not entirely.
7304257
It's actually not even her fault slightly. She had no control over what happened, didn't intend the result, and Luna was provoking the whole thing in its entirety, really. If anyone is to blame, it's Luna. You don't take a planet hostage and then complain when the police shoots off one of your arms to stop you.
7304268 Yep.
sound of it, luna hate twilight, but maybe just maybe luna hate her self but own admit it and just use twilight to vent her anger
7304268
If even that , as this story seems to follow the "Nightmare is a corrupting force" , it might be no one fault.
Regarding Luna , yeah , her reaction isn't calm or collected ... but that's normal and logical in the first place.
I think I would be pretty upset too if someone told me that a misfire by someone reduced my life by twenty years , let alone an eternity . If anything , the way she lash out make her relatable , even if we know that her lashing out at Twilight is unwaranted ... She might even know it herself. (Not the mention , she IS in fact young in this story... )
Moreover , I think that the comment "I'am just another pony" shouldn't be taken as an insult but put into perspective with why she became the Nightmare in the first place , which is to have ponies appreciate what she was doing (and herself).
I mean , she is litteraly experiencing a critical existence faillure right now : She is crippled , her constant isn't anymore , she will never be seen as equal to her sister ... and worse , her cutie mark is literally meaningless , meaning that she lost her talent and the thing she wanted the ponies to love (and to be appreciated for). Now she is never going to be appreciated for her art , and in her POV most likely never going to be appreciated for anything. (Maybe not even by her sister , if what she say is any indication , which would worsen it tenfold given who Luna is.)
Being "nothing but another pony" (note that she said pony and not mortal in this sentence) would have been good compared to what she is experiencing. (Imagine a truly passionate pianiste dedicated loosing both his arm and legs in a world without any way to cope with it.) , hence why she corrected herself after saying she is less than that.
Maybe she is lashing out at the wrong pony yes , but in a critical existance faillure scenario like here , I think it's a good thing to make the character feel real and flawed.
7304326
Doesn't really excuse the whole "oh, poor me, I am one of those horrible lesser creatures now" attitude, though. Her reaction may be understandable, but it is by no means likable.
Man, Celestia's doing a fucking genius job of displacing all the blame onto the weapon instead of the shooter with how she's set Twilight up to take all Luna's animosity
7304188
... took the words right out of my mouth. Personally, I hope somepony gives Luna a swift kick and tells her to get over herself. "Welcome to the real world, sweetheart..."
Well, this is quite the mess, hm?
Luna's depressed over being made mortal and crippled, Twilight is blaming herself for things she had no control over and Celestia is... I don't even know what she thinks she is accomplishing here, but whatever it is, it hasn't been constructive thus far and really only seems to aggravate Luna's feelings of abandonment and resentment.
And we all know how amazingly well Luna's handles that kind of thing.
I can't see any way this could get worse.
7304268
Especially when said police doesn't even know that their gun will shoot the perp's arm off.
7304268 But that's the thing, Anger is inherently Illogical, therefor it may seem stupid to us who think it through, but Luna's whole future has been cut down to a meager hundred years. To lose everything, her body, her time, and her power, I'm surprised she can talk civilly instead of lashing out at every second
7304188 What irked me the most is that the alternative was letting the Nightmare Moon posses Luna. Meaning that Luna would've had even less, afterall, literally everything would've been the Nightmare's.
I feel that her reasoning could be easily reversed: Twilight didn't take anything from her, she lost everything to the Nightmare and Twillight managed to gave her back a few things. Maybe not as much as they would've liked, but Luna only got herself to blame for giving in to Nightmare Moon in the first place.
7304974
With the Nightmare she had the hope of getting free.
Now she has a short, powerless, life without the connection to the moon. On top of that her sister does not even want to spend the little time Luna has with her. She is also stuck in a world much different then the world of 1k years pass.
She had high hopes. Now she has suffering.
A story worth finishing...
... although I think there is no way to a good ending. For Twi... maybe, but for Luna?
Luna had been bad already before the Nightmare took over. But she's much worse now like she stated in the last chapter. Without her sister, without her moon she has no sense in life left. She is an empty husk.
I believe she will end herself as soon as she can leaving her sister in shambles.
And with her broken sister, who probably feels as guilty as Twilight or even more so, Equestria will probably wither as well.
It could have been a moving but devastating ride, this story. Sadly it'll most likely never be finished.