• Published 14th Jun 2012
  • 9,338 Views, 179 Comments

Mare Genius - Samarkand

Agatha Heterodyne comes to Equestria

  • ...

Logical Deductions

Twilight Sparkle allowed herself a glow of pride as a pegasus guard escorted her into Her Radiant Majesty's private chambers. Princess Celestia must have had so much to do in the wake of the changeling attack. Yet she had taken time to invite her most faithful student for afternoon tea. Twilight had cherished that privilege in the time she had lived in Canterlot Castle. To think that Celestia would give her such attention when she obviously had much more important matters to attend with. Twilight had vowed with each visit that she never, ever fail her sovereign.

Celestia's inner sanctum was more subdued than one might expect of the Sun-Mare. Twilight had wondered about that while under her tutelage. After the defeat of Night Mare Moon, Twilight had an inkling of why the princess' apartments were in subdued violets and blues. A thousand years was a long time to wait for a beloved, angry sibling to return. The only bright colour was the golden bolster at the head of pillow-couch where Celestia sat. A plum pillow was at its foot. The tea service was set. Twilight sat down with her beloved ruler and teacher.

By one of Celestia's hooves was one of the parchment scrolls which bore Spike's messages.

--don't be foalish, this wasn't a sign that she had done anything wrong--

"My most faithful student," the Princess said, her ethereal mane waving as if in a breeze, "you have grown so much since I sent you to Ponyville."

"I've learned a lot," Twilight said, horn lighting up to pour a cup for the Princess. "I don't know if I'll ever finish my studies of the magic of friendship."

"It takes a lifetime," Celestia said. "Even I have never finished my own studies."

"Don't be silly, you must know everything." Twilight choked on a mouthful of tea. "Aheh. Not that I'm contradicting you. I'd never do that."

"At heart, Twilight, I am a pony like any other." Celestia coughed delicately into one wing. "And as a pony, I understand when fillies become mares. They might become involved in advanced studies of friendship."

Twilight had to be wrong. It looked at if Celestia glanced at the scroll with disquiet.

Oh, no! Spike has sent a secret report and somehow, some way, Twilight had been a bad pony!

"Very advanced." Was Celestia-- She was blushing. "Experiments."

"Experiments?" Twilight gasped. "Oh! Sorry, your highness. You're talking about sex. I know all about that."

"You do." Celestia smiled faintly. A tiny, aristocratic drop of sweat appeared below her tiara.

"Sure. Health class was a mandated subject in school." Twilight frowned. "Although the teacher assigned talked about blossoming flowers and bees. I had to do extensive research on my own to find out anything useful."

"Was it practical in nature?" Celestia asked.

"Well, practical meant dating, which was such a waste of time," Twilight continued. "I was thinking of using the Want It Need It spell to skip right over that part. But it felt like cheating, so I stayed with the theoretical."

"Like this?" Celestia edged the scroll over to Twilight. "Perhaps young Spike found your research notes by accident."

Twilight opened the scroll.


She narrowed her eyes. That wasn't right at all. By instinct, Twilight's magic reached for parchment and quill. The nib scribbled equations and anatomical diagrams. Half-hidden under the bolster was a small book with a plain brown cover. Ah! Twilight had read that one: Harlequin's Helpful Hints on Horseplay and Harlotry. Getting access to that section of the Canterlot Castle library hadn't been easy; it had taken a teensy fudge of the facts to explain that Celestia wanted her personal student to study biology to budge the librarians. For some reason this copy had a small red bow stuck to the spine. Twilight tossed it aside as she flipped to Exercise 37, Plates 6A-7C (In Colour).

How silly! Celestia wouldn't lower herself to talking about mating with Twilight. This was clearly a cover for a far more disturbing situation. Quills blurred while Twilight furiously worked out her proof in detail. Complete with diagrams, of course. A task set before her by Celestia couldn't be done without meticulous, perfect work. Proudly, Twilight laid out her analysis out before Princess Celestia.

"You must have spotted it yourself, your highness," Twilight said. "We may have a spy."

"A spy?"

"Sure. Look at this." Twilight summoned a wooden pointer. "See? What Spike described is impossible for an equiniform."

"A relief to us all," Celestia said.

"Yeah, a pony would need a full tea set, five spoons, a strainer ball, and an oven mitt along with the tea cozy."

"And you provided detailed illustrations," Celestia said, gaze flicking over same.

"To pull of this," Twilight said, tapping at Spike's message, "you'd have to be--um, I think the closest would be a minotaur. Spike didn't mention anyone exotic, so that means whoever described it looked like a pony."

"I see." A stern expression drifted over Celestia's features. "Twilight, I charge you with investigating this situation."

"I won't fail you!" Twilight said. "Should I take along some of the Royal Guard?"

"It would not do to be hasty." Celestia inclined her head to her subject. "Twilight, have I ever told you that among all I have known for my long life, you are among the most unique minds I have ever encountered?"

"I don't know what to say." Twilight blushed.

"Oh yes. So very...singular...indeed."


Nigh-immortal alicorn rulers have unusual entries in their appointment books.

Such as "Expected Apocalypses."

A quill hovered over "Twilight Sparkle Discovers Mating" and scratched it out.



The locomotive's whistle blew as it pulled out of Canterlot Station. Twilight closed the door of the private cabin she had taken for the trip to Ponyville. It was a luxury that usually she would only have used for a long overnight trip. She wanted the privacy, though. And, of course, it was the Princess' bits that was paying for it. All on official business, of course.

Twilight spread out the reports Spike had sent to the Princess after she had asked where he had heard about the Tea Cozy Technique. Huh. Well, it couldn't be a changeling missed by Shining Armor and Cadence's banishment spell. As Twilight knew all too well, changelings were scarily-good mimics. Clumsy, obvious foreign accent, stories about heroes who weren't part of Germane folklore: not what a spy would do to fit in. She hadn't had the smoothest approach if this "mare" were trying to sneak out information on transdimensional harmonics and aetheric manifold transforms.

What the hay? Twilight re-read that. That was advanced. Extremely advanced. It was at the gleaming tip of unicorn magical theory. Actually, it was the subject of a dissertation Twilight had been plugging away at for years, and she really really had to meet this mare. Darn it, no! Focus! This was a huge clue! Maybe not a spy. Maybe it was a refugee from somewhere else--inside, Little Twilight was backflipping in glee at the idea--who had cast a transformative spell to appear like a pony. Or it might be a glamour.

She couldn't assume this mare-whatever was a threat. She might need their help, instead. That changed everything. Should she tell the other girls? It was a huge secret. This mare might be ashamed of the situation. Twilight steepled her hooves. No. This needed finesses. This needed delicacy. This needed a light diplomatic touch.

Her cabin door slid open.

"The last cream-cheese-icing-and-hot-sauce cupcake," said Pinkie Pie, still dealing with cake overload, "was my doom-- Ooo! Someone new in Ponyville! Let me get my party cannon! Woo hoo!"

This was doomed before it started, wasn't it?


"Lodging won't be a problem," the Mayor said. "We're always glad when somepony wants to settle here. For a day or for life, it doesn't matter."

"Again, I have no money," Agatha said. "I don't even have a job."

"We have a few tents the town uses," Mayor Mare said, "for festivals. I'll have one of our smaller ones set up in the park."

The tan-coated older pony turned to talk with a functionary while Agatha finished nailing her notice for piano lessons--"piano must be supplied"--on a public notice board at Ponyville's rathaus. The town hall was impressive for a small community: a three-storey tower with the air of an estate's garden gazebo. It was of a piece with the whimsy of this world. Sitting down on the circular balcony, Agatha munched a golden delicious from Sweet Apple Acres as she watched the ponies at their business.

She could live here.

It was a terrible thought. It was a betrayal of everyone at home. She wouldn't stop searching until she were sure--absolutely sure--there was no way back. But she could live here and be happy. No great destiny, no enraged tyrants seeking her death. A house of her own, a small dungeon dug underneath for experimental purposes. She would have to control her Spark very, very carefully. If tranquility was so prevalent, then the ruling princesses must have considerable powers to ensure there was no threat. Although Agatha hoped they wouldn't mind some free civic improvements. Applejack had warned her about the Everfree Forest south of town. Honestly, not even any defensive walls?

Her ears perked at the sound of a steam engine. Tossing the apple core into a public rubbish basket--er, make at missing, then picking it up with her mouth to drop it in--Agatha trotted over to the train depot. The afternoon train had pulled into the town's neat little station. The train with its 4-4-0 locomotive and its toy-like carriages weren't the armor-plated affairs run by the Corbetite Monks of Europa. Imagine--not even any machine-guns! Passengers were often asked to man weapons stations if a guard-monk on a Europan train was injured at their duty.

Oh, so it did have a cannon. Agatha saw a primitive muzzle loader being wheeled out out and pointed right at her.

Two months of hell-on-Earth training and two days in Castle Heterodyne had honed her combat instincts to a fine edge. Agatha blurred past the shot which--glittered?--as it missed her. There was a surprised "oof" when a back hoof rammed the gunner in the flank. A swipe with her right hoof sent the attacker right across the station platform. Her left was already raised in a blow that could cripple or kill when-- A party favour blew in her face. Agatha looked down into the terrified blue eyes of a mare whose pink coat could not be found in any natural colour wheel. A bouncy pink mane deflated with an audible hiss to become almost flat.

"Surprise!" the pink mare squeaked as if she has inhaled an airship's gas cell's worth of helium. "Welcome to Ponyville."

The mare twirled a rattler and grinned nervously.

"Please don't kill me?"




So very bored.

All this mare was doing was sitting around Ponyville. She could at least finish that story.

Great--Pinkie Pie was back. Hah, newbie gets a Party Cannon to the face. That never got old.


Rainbow's wings flared when she saw Pinkie fall beneath Agatha's rush.


Comments ( 95 )

Well that's a logical consequence of Pinkie Pie startling someone with combat instincts from a violent world. Surprised it doesn't happen in more crossovers. Pinkie's tough she'll recover and hopefully learn a useful lesson. There are strong hints that the rest of the world isn't as peaceful as Equestria she could very well ended up in similar situation even without cross-dimensional travel. Only she might not have been lucky enough to have had it with someone with as much self-control as Agatha.

So on to Rainbow Dash versus Agatha. You'd think it'd be a walk for Agatha given that she has real combat training and experience in deadly combat with serious opponents trying to kill her. But Dash is no slouch. She's in amazing physical shape and has been conditioning since she was a foal. She's also no stranger to genuinely life threatening situations and knows how to focus and keep her head in a crisis (even if she sometimes forgets). She's earned a Black Belt in Karate and I doubt it was in a cheap McDojo either. Though we don't know if it was a point-based sporting version or a full contact practical self defense style. But she put up a good showing against the changeling swarm regardless. Finally her biggest advantage is that she's fighting in the body she was born in and Agatha is still getting used to hers. Plus Agatha will probably be holding back excessively having been shook up by the close call with Pinkie. Of course all this analysis could be rendered moot by purple telekinesis separating them a few seconds into the scuffle.

That opening made lmao.:rainbowlaugh:

FOR PONIES!:pinkiehappy:

Shouldn't have put off building those anti-air cannons Agatha. And has she considered she learned to play a piano with hands? :facehoof:

Ah, the pinkie pie scene was hilarious. Many internet applause to you good sir/madame! :rainbowlaugh:

Not bad.

Things to remember about the upcoming fight.
1. Karate is a strike discipline. Jabs and kicks are what RD knows.
2. Agatha was trained in mixed martial arts and true self defense.
3. Agatha is a heavy framed earth pony where RD is light framed pegasus.
4. Agatha out masses RD by at least 50%.
What I'm basically looking at is that in a fight RD may get in a few hits on Agatha but RD wouldn't be able to cope with being grappled and having her joints manipulated. Agatha would basically grab hold and bend RD into shapes that ponies don't normally go. :rainbowhuh: EG: Agatha tossed Pinky about like a rag doll once she got a hold of her. :pinkiegasp: So while RD might or might not blindside Agatha while she's got Pinky down, if RD doesn't immediately jump away from her she's apt to be put into a submission hold or have something broken. Also remember that RD screamed out "I KNEW IT! I'M COMING TO SAVE YOU, PINKIE!" So Agatha may not even get hit by RD's rush since there's a good chance she hears that familiar and antagonistic voice.

Well RD's initial rush could be coming at Agatha just under the speed of sound. That could hurt.


What makes Agatha dangerous isn't her training--which though brief, allowed her to dodge gatling-cannon fire--but her sneakiness. She's consistently shown a tendency in situations where she can't just blast her way out of trouble to use the environment to her advantage.

As for Pinkie--well, a combination of extreme combat instincts and the fact that Pinkie was an easy target. She wasn't expecting to be attacked over what she thought was a harmless prank.

I still feel bad for laughing at this scene :twilightsheepish:. Though Pinkie couldn't have known what recently happened to Agatha. So it's all a horrible misunderstanding, but one that's going to cause a problem.

Dat scene with TWilight and the Princes i :rainbowlaugh: so much.

Governing a civilization of magic wielding sparks I'd say Celestia's expected apocalypses list is about the length of the entire unabridged Encyclopedia Britannica. ooh a newish thought strikes! The Doctor! most stories have him in equestria by some accident, but in this story he may truly be visiting equestria from time to time as a vacation, by his standards its a perfectly safe and rational world. Probably reminds him of home where young children played with irradiated blocks the purpose not being building towers and buildings but psychically manipulating the energies to some purpose while elders played time traveling chess where it was more common to defeat an opponent rather then with a checkmate but by forcing them to commit a paradox which would destroy the board as well as some "minor" fluctuations in the space time continuum. All the intellect of "civilized" species but putting more emphasis on friendship rather then greed or glory.

Ah, this one was fun to go through. One of those crossovers that just flows so naturally. Looking forward to more.

Countdown until "all the ponies in this town are sparky"?

-chokes on own laughter-

Gods' little fish in trousers. Conceptually cracky, yet wonderfully written... good sir, keep this thing going.

I found this while digging through someone else's Favorites list. Tracking. Will read AFTER I find a way to keep my house below Eighty Degrees. This step is important, as it turns out that at 85*, my modem overheats.

*Sigh* I thought Minnesota was known for being one of the COLDER states in the nation... :facehoof:

1180093 Friend, in WINTER Minnesota is a frozen Hell, capital H intended. In the seasons before......Well,....Lets just leave it at that Minnesota have very schizo weather.

How does the old saying go? "If you don't like the weather here, wait 15 minutes"?

1225942 Haha! Indeed, central Illinois has weather that, while not as bipolar, comes rushing in like a rabbit with its ass on fire.


Wow! I have just rediscovered girl genius and found this through someone's favorites but I have to say that I think you caught agatha's personality almost perfect. Keep up the writing.

Ill admit ive never read/seen/whatever GG but this is amazingly written and i find it to be creeping up my favorite list like a stubborn vine.
also any idea as to when there might be an update? plz? :pinkiehappy:

It's always sad when you find a great fic that hasn't updated in months. I can at least send you to the source material so you can archive binge while you wait, though. It's a web comic that's been running for a decade now, so it's all free online


Oh cool, thanks a bunch Eakin.

Unfortunately with my media consumption rate being what it is, im looking at maybe three days worth of material at most. :facehoof:

Then again... it is midterms weeks..... i can probably artificially extend that time by two weeks.:twilightsmile:

The author signed up 21 weeks ago and was active for about a week. Hasn't signed in for 20 weeks.

I am have the sad. :fluttershysad:

Whyfore hyu's not updating? Dis iz gut schtuff!

Another thing to remember about this fight is that Twilight is within earshot. Which means the best case scenario for Agatha would be her realizing that there was some sort of misunderstanding :facehoof: and separating the ambulatory combatants while trying to calm the newcomer down (and making sure Pinkie took no lasting damage, but that goes without saying).

The worst case would be for Twilight to conclude the strange infiltrator is in fact someone with malevolent intent, and had just beat down one of her friends :twilightangry2: .

You know, if this story intends to touch on any of the season 3 episodes, I feel sorry for Trixie when she shows up. Alicorn amulet or not, she won't know what hit her.

What I really fear is that this story is dead.... It had such a great start. :raritycry:

This. Is. Awesome! :pinkiehappy: Really well thought through and very well written. Can't wait for the next chapter. :pinkiehappy:

Masterfully done

That feeling when you find a great dead fic.


it's not quite dead? At least it doesn't read as canceled. :fluttercry:


Dammit, I read it, now I want more.

please finish this. It's very good, funny and intelligent. Inventive.

Please don't let it drift.

This might be one of my new favorite stories on the site.
And it hasn't updated in a year. After stopping on a cliffhanger.


I, too, would like to see this wonderful fic continued.

Faved, hoping for an update :twilightsmile:

Also, hello from TVTropes.

Yay,great story,I wonder when the next-*checks the update date*

Oh wow, funny how I find crossovers with online comics I have been following for years.

*looks* BUCK YEAH! Sheer Genius! There has been precident in-universe with The Heterodine family having encountered Roy Calbeck, the dimension hopping Mechwarrior-turned-anthro-unicorn. :pinkiehappy:
(Even if they thought he was a mere genetic construct given false memories...:raritywink:)

pony stupidity inbound,

the only bad thing about the story is the lack of chapters... *looks at last date updated* aw fuck.


Abandoned fic? Sonava... this was good, too. :pinkiesad2:




I'm sorry doctor...

Sweet nyartholthep, please let this fic continue!

I have read none of Girl Genius and I am loving this.
I should probably go read Girl Genius now shouldn't I?

What's Agatha from?

Even if you do continue this story it doesn't seem like you'll have my favorite part of the Girl Genius comics, the Jagermonsters, particularly the three that follow her.

A good fic with well drawn characters and an interesting plot line. Just remember that whenever you feel like it, you can always come back to it. Your readers will be waiting.:twilightsmile:

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