just a brony that loves to read. I'm known for my descriptions drawing people's attention and curiosity :)
The changlings have been defeated, yet they still remain in equestria. After an argument that could destroy the Royal sister's friendship, Twilight finds a spell called 'The Balance' that could end all the chaos which she plans to use if matters in the Royal court go haywire. But when the spells goes horribly wrong, the elements of harmony open a portal to 2 powerful alicorns. Who are the Brothers of the Balance and what is their purpose in Equestria?
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A very good premise.
BUT...
There were a lot of grammatical errors I saw that make it hard to read. I'm not going to point out all of them, but you should really divide those long paragraphs of dialogue up to be each person's dialogue, then skip a line to the next one. It's hard to tell who's talking when, especially when you're missing some quotation marks.
One last note, you should lessen up the description for the story. I think you're giving away too much of the plot. It's a description, not a summary.
I could offer some suggestions for it if you want.
I agree with BaelkazPony, this was very hard to read at times. But if you fix those problems I would defiantly keep an eye on this story.
Thanks guys, will do
i like the premise, but yeah i agree with>>746695, it needs a lot more breaks for dialogue.
I will see where it goes though.
Yeah i know there where alot of problems, but like. I said its my first time writing ANYTHING so i knda rushed through this because i was a bit eager, but dont worry, i'll fix everything and add a new chapter probably tommorow or soon
Ok first things first before I even attempt to read this is fix the paragraphs. I made the same mistake too when I first started writing too so I guess it's my turn to pass it on. Break up the paragraphs. One of the fastest ways to lose a reader is to fall into Text Walls o' Doom syndrome which presents the reader a crap ton of info that they aren't really given a chance to take in. Breaking them up will alleviate this, giving them time to take it all in. It also helps slow the pacing down a bit if the story is blitzing along.
Ex:
The Royal Court had been brought together that day to determine the fate of the defeated changlings whether to search for them and finish them once and for all or to simply forget the matter thinking they had learned their lesson and wouldn't dare to return. As the 2 alicorns sat at opposite sides of the enormous court room, they clearly had different opinions on their next course of action. All of canterlot shook as the power of the regal sisters argument could not be contained by stone walls.
Each time someone new speaks, start a new paragraph
"ARE YOU SAYING THAT WE SIMPLY GIVE UP AND LET THEM ROAM FREE AROUND EQUESTRIA(?") shouted the Princess of The Moon to her equally stubborn sister.
As I mentioned above.
"There is no need to search for an enemy that no longer bears threat to our land(,)" replied the calm but agitated princess of the sun. At this point Luna was more furious than ever as she tried to reason with her sister using the royal canterlot voice. "WE MUST ACT NOW AND HUNT FOR THEM WHILE THEY ARE AT THEIR WEAKEST, IF WE DO NOTHING, THEY WILL MOST LIKELY EXPLOIT OUR INACTION AND STRIKE AGAIN, THIS TIME WITH A LARGER ARMY, SURELY YOU SEE THAT(,) SISTER"! Luna spoke with fury, "To strike back would be to declare war on them, you wish to silence them but your actions will only push them to avenge their recent defeat. I believe this is a good point in which our negotiation can come to a pause, so that you may find a resolve to your anger and perhaps continue at a more calm attitude(,) sister". To that, the rest of the royal court was dismissed, with Luna glaring at her sister with anguish as she walked out of the courtroom with a look of victory over her younger sister.
At no point in that paragraph, did you ever refer to Celestia by name. Instead it is always 'sister'. That can be confusing as hell especially in regards to who's speaking. It took me a few moments to make sense of the final line in that paragraph.
All the little things in red or orange are just somethings you need to correct.
Thanks Zervziel, your advice really helps, im gonna fix it and put a new chapter tommorow for sure
brain burning..... programs malfunctioning..... must continue [FORCE REBOOT] *PEW* *ZWOOP* Okay what'd I miss
magic brain still malfuncioning and what appears to be one of the more fancy and powerful portals (like a hell banishment)
Yay new chapter.
I knew you didn't magically disappear.
Thanks mccall12, what i do is i usually try to post a new chapter every friday or at least once a week
intend to see it this through to it's end
Hey, mccall12 and Nova007, have you guys heard about my other story "im having nighmares"? I think you guys would enjoy it
Nice job keep it up.
Another good story dead.