• Member Since 24th Mar, 2016
  • offline last seen 4 hours ago

Danieru


Anime, Games, Ponies = Life complete ^^

Sequels1



E

Six ponies live their daily life, destined to save Equestria...
Chosen by six Elements that bring harmony...
In the little town of Ponyville...
But there is one pony that is thrown out of his boring life to accompany them on their journeys...
Chosen by an unknown Element of Harmony...
Learning the meaning of friendship for the first time...
Even though he doesn't want that at all...
But what can he do about it?
This is his new life after all...
Soon everything will make sense and he will find out the whole truth about the Elements of Harmony...

Spoilers/ Season previews(Drag over to reveal)

Season 1 (Chapter 1-26): Star Twinkle is chosen by one unknown Element of Harmony and gets used to his new friends and all the trouble that they are involved to. Meanwhile, far away from Ponyville, a pony in a gray hood seems to know some things about Star Twinkle. But who is he?

Season 2 (Chapter 27-52): Discord the Lord of Chaos returns and it is up to the seven Elements of Harmony to defeat him. Meanwhile, a group of ponies called the Storm Wings are on the move to steal the Elements of Harmony. But for what reasons?

Chapters (61)
Comments ( 65 )

Wow. I had to stop reading the first chapter after reading only a dozen lines or so.

This needs so much description it's painful. It reads like a script, boring and lifeless. I had hopes that this would be good, and the description made it sound interesting, but I can't read any more! There is no emotion, no descriptions, nothing that makes this story enjoyable. The premise is alright, it's been done before but it can definitely be something new, if presented in the right light. As it stands, this story needs so much help I almost regret reading it.

7062735

Well, can't say that i am surprised to hear that(being that my first Fan fiction and stuff).
I don't know what to say to be honest XD.
But thanks for the feedback. I will try to improve my style and hopefully get better.
I hope my story gets out of your head fast.

Calm down, everyone. I'm here, and I brought POLITE CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM!

Stay tuned

Okay! So if you're like me from a 1-2 years ago, you've just published your first story after having a great idea pop into your head. Unfortunately, within the next few weeks you may suddenly realize that this was the worst mistake of your life and you desperately have to cover your tracks. If this may be the case, then I recommend you set privacy settings on this story accordingly.

1. Grammar. If you're not confident in your writing, then check with a non-robot proofreader. You probably fixed spelling errors using MS Word/Office, because there were no outright typos that I could see immediately. Unfortunately, its grammar detection is terrible. An excerpt from chapter 1:

A dark mist filled the area, where Princess Celestia were suppose to be, the mist turned shape into a Pony who was about the size of Princess Celestia and also had wings and a horn like her. But she was pitch black had a mare which looked like the night sky and wore a helmet.

Should be closer to:

A dark mist filled the area where Princess Celestia was supposed to be. The mist changed into the shape of an alicorn, about the size and shape of Celestia. But her coat was pitch black, her mane looked like the night sky, and she was wearing a helmet.

But even that looks bizarre from a structuring standpoint, so with a few further adjustments to add well-spoken prose:

Suddenly, a dark mist filled the balcony where Princess Celestia should be standing. The mist changed into the shape of a female alicorn, about the size and shape of Celestia. But her coat was pitch black, her mane gleamed like the night sky, and she was wearing a full set of armor which resembled that of the princess's royal armor, but was a gloomy, pale blue.

Also see the FimFiction Writing Guide's section on "Lavender Unicorn Syndrome".
https://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide#Lavender-Unicorn-Syndrome

2. Plot. There is an automatic disadvantage to fanfictions that are (A.) Self-inserts, (B.) Episode-chapters, and (C.) 7th element stories. You will automatically gain dislikes from people who can't stand these or a story that is all three. To wipe away the first one, study non-comedy popular/featured stories for a better grasp on how to write emotions.
For the second, it would greatly improve your story to not go of the script nearly as often. Instead, focus more on the differences that appear due to the intervention of the AU. Also, going with the flow of the season can be accomplished without have chapters correspond to episodes exclusively. You could say something like "Over the weeks that followed, I had the (dis)pleasure of getting into some pretty crazy situations, like [episode premise, with or without AU differences]". This would draw readers away from the feeling like they have to "wait through" a chapter/episode when there is barely anything different.
For the 7th element thing... Good luck.

7107507
Thank you very much for the detailed review ^^.
I am trying to get better, but can't promise anything XP.
I will take your advice to heart and hope that it will improve my writing/story in any way.

Aw, now that's very kind of Star Twinkle for fixing Trixie's Wagon. :twilightsmile:

Could you add some more conversations in your chapters? I got the feeling that you're rushing things...

7258343
Yes, I know XP.
I am trying to add more conversations in every chapter but Star Twinkle rather likes to monologue in his head and avoids to talk with everypony as much as possible, so it's a little hard...
I am actually taking my sweet time to write every chapter considering that I plan to rewrite almost every episode ^^.

Star Twinkle sounds like a Unicorn's name. Why not make her a Unicorn?

7290676
I always thought as Star Twinkle as an earth pony, making him something else wasn't even an option for me ^^.
His name has another meaning that will be explained much, much later on.

i ran out of reading materail and its a saterday morning no one will update four hours :fluttercry: by the way grate stor so far

7335221 Well as long as you found you way here ^^.
Thank you very much, by the way, ^^.

I would say just continue going with each season, don't bother to make separate stories, one large one would be better, also I can't wait to see when you get the the Movie chapters, oh those are going to be great.

7564944
Yeah, I was tending to that decision too.

7564973 That's good to hear, also what kinds of idea's do you have for a Cutie Mark for Star Twinkle anyway, since he is a member of the CMC he doesn't have one yet. With him being a Earth-Pony he doesn't have that much in the way of Magic like Unicorns and Pegasus, sure earth-pony magic can help him with farm related stuff like at Sweet Apple Acres or the Pie Rock farm.

7565039
I already have something in mind ^^.
Until then much time will be spent with "Blank Flank Star Twinkle".

I'm not really into seventh element stories, but this wasn't really that bad. I actually found it rather entertaining. I'll continue to give this story a read because I'm actually liking it.

7566808
That is really good to hear, thank you ^^.
I hope I won't disappoint you.

Errrrhmmmm. You might have lost me with the no cutie mark thing.

I will press on though.

7583226 The character seems a bit Gary Stu. The name Star Twinkle, it's a little too OC sounding, but not the worst I heard.

The coloration is a bit Oc as well but it's not black and red, so also forgivable.

His aloof attitude isn't a personality but more a lack of one, but it's still early.

Then the fact he doesn't have a cutie mark... It's rather unbelievable considering it's considered social norm for ponies in late adolescence and adulthood.

It sorta suspends my element of disbelief, pulls me out of the narritive.

It's still early, and I'd like to give it a fair shot.

7583396
Okay, fair enough ^^.
I can't explain the Cutie Mark thing in detail and it also won't be explained until far later in the story(And I plan to keep this story going for a long while...).

I suppose you already read like chapter one and two?
Those are in my opinion the worst and most rushed chapters that I have written XP.
The chapters get hopefully a little better as I wrote more chapter(That's what I think at least...)

As for the Gary Stu thing...

Damn :facehoof:
I actually tried my best to not make him one...
I got nothing there XD.

Whether you continue or not, thanks for giving the story a chance.
That's still something ^^.

7583451 Hey don't feel bad, it seems like you got a vision and its great your getting it out there.

His Gary Stu-ness to me stems from my initial perception of him. By not standing out, he stands out, if that makes sense.

As for the first two chaps being choppy, I get that, everyone has to start somewhere.

Because your were candid, willing to let me ramble, plus you seem like a decent fella, I am gonna stick it through for a spell or two. It's an interesting concept to say the least and it caught my attention to say the most!

Got to say that was a good chapter, I just wish that Star would gain his Cutie Mark soon so that he wouldn't be so down about being a Blank Flank at his age, of course we would need a idea of what a good cutie mark for him would be and a bit of a back story for it too.

Ok. Not bad.

One thing:

Common

You mean "come on."

7584316
Okay.
I didn't know how to properly end the chapter and that's the best I could come up with XP.

I'm afraid the Cutie Mark and the Backstory will take a little while XO.
There are other things that I had in mind.
Especially starting after finishing season 1, which for me felt a little boring so far ^^.

7585543 Well you might want to think of a good cutie mark for Star soon, because don't you remember what happens to Twilight when she reads a UNFINISHED spell of Star Swirls, you remember that episode no doubt, Star will need a cutie mark for when you do that episode chapter.

7586088
Yup.
I'm aware of that ^^.

7586125 Of course after that I can't wait to see the Movie chapters you will do when it's time for those, also I remember this one fanfic here where the OC that is put into the story ascends from a Unicorn to Alicorn when he faced Terik and defeated him, here is the story if you want to check it out, the part where he fights Terik is around the 40 chapters. Consequences

7586153
Thank you.
Is that a FIM rewrite too?
I might give it a go then some day.

7586198 Well that fanfic is the third in the series, it's like this, the OC is a former human that ends up in Equestria before season 1 starts, he is a Unicorn that ends up living in Cantorlot and starts writing books based off of movies and books from the human world, I will tell you this much the first books he writes is a trilogy of movies but that's all I'm going to say. However what happens is that while he is now stuck in Equestria without anyway home he slowly befriends Luna to the point where she secretly is courting him without him knowing it, in the third book is when he ascends into an Alicorn but I would suggest you read the first and second fanfics before reading the one I gave you.

Well that is Season 1 all wrapped up, I can't wait to see the Chapter Episode for Discord and the Wedding Invasion, but the second one is Season 2's ending so that will be awhile, of course I also can't wait to see the Movie chapters too, I would love to see Star go through the portal with Twilight and see how he would react to the Human world, maybe have Sunset not only steal Twilight's element of Magic but Star's unknown Element too, she could think it would double her power in someway if she took his also.

Didn't this story use to be much longer?

Comment posted by Danieru deleted Oct 8th, 2016

7625419
Nope.
Just finished Season 1 a few days ago ^^.

A few issues with the sentence structure, but beyond that this is quite enjoyable.:twilightsmile: It's certainly better than my first attempt at a fanfic.

7630165
That's good to hear.
Thank you ^^.
It get's better after some more chapters (I think?)

Twilight, Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Rarity were watching nearby and Star Twinkle decided to join them.

You put Rarity twice when it should be

Twilight, Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Pinkie were watching nearby and Star Twinkle decided to join them.

7723649
Oops...:derpyderp1:
Edited:twilightsheepish:
Thanks ^^.

Is that fish dead I have a suspicion that it is

7765509
No silly, he was just playing dead in that one scene(granted, he is really good at that).
Why would Star Twinkle have a dead goldfish as a pet?
Silly :derpytongue2:

7765630 well just cause he doesn't move or so I read and it was a theory that was just debunked I think lol:rainbowlaugh:

This seemed like a story that had a lot of potential for something that involves a seventh element however the sentence structure and the lack of discription and cohesion in the story made it hard to read past the second chapter.

I recommend going back and rewriting the first few chapters to make it more attractive to the eyes.

7859182
Thanks in advance for your opinion ^^.
Do you mind if I ask you for some more opinion?
Because as it turns out, I already did change the first chapter multiple times XD.
But I only overflew the second one.
So do you mind telling me if there is much of a difference between the first and the second one?
Like, is the second chapter more let's say amateurish written than the first one?
Just so that I know if my changes in the first one actually did something because it was way worse before(Just look at the very first comment from this story XD).
Or could you please look at one of the newest chapters to see if there is an improvement?
If that is too much then I completely understand if you don't want to answer but it doesn't hurt asking right?

I reviewed your story here.

Please let me know what you think.

8103429
I commented on your blog but I might as well put my reply on here too in order to get you a bit of attention from my site too (How little it may be XD.)

Thank you very much for your time and honest opinion ^^.
I'm gonna be completely honest, It was almost exactly like I imagined it XD.
I certainly had fun reading it :pinkiehappy:.
Though I was positively surprised to see you liking a few bits(I guess?)
Unfortunately, I don't know if I improved much over the year (mainly because of the lack of reviews on recent chapters) that I have written this story so I can't tell if it actually got a little better.

But I guess even if the story was a little better, the whole seventh Element thing is already done to death and not many really like it so making that my first and main story was probably a bad idea but unfortunately, I am really stubborn and don't know when to stop so I might as well continue XD.

And one thing...

You don't like the main character!
And believe it or not that makes me kinda proud!
For me, that means that I did something right :yay:.
He was not supposed to be likable.
He is supposed to be a jerk that you should have a hard time to like.
It may just be because of my crappy writing that I managed to accomplish that but still!

So if you couldn't tell already, I liked the review and I encourage you to keep up the good work.
Thanks for the review and may we talk again in the future.

Comment posted by DisplacedWriter deleted May 31st

The plot thinkens, i think i got the idea of what the 7th element might be.

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