Just a brony who likes to write using whatever free time I have to spare.
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Set in the alternate universe where Queen Chrysalis is not defeated by the Mane 6, this is a story about a group of survivors, banded together to fight back against the changelings.
When Lyra Heartstrings has her life turned upside down, she must learn how to survive in an Equestria turned cruel.
Cover art by Alyssa Hartwick
Credit for the title goes to Quillian Inkheart. Original title was 'Trust No One'.
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Good for now, do make the chapters longer
7059024 Yeah, that's the plan. I wrote this chapter at 2 am, and I did rush it out a bit, which may have affected the quality somewhat as well.
To be perfectly honest, I didn't expect much of the story due to its length, but seeing as we are both new I wished to see what you had anyway. I was pleasantly surprised. Despite the length, it was quite good. You have a god sequential setup and the style is pleasant and easy to read. However, you seem a little too focused on the actions. I would suggest adding more emotional and sentimental things to this to both lengthen it and give it more depth. For instance, in those few second Lyra was deciding whether or not to leave her home behind, we know she was debating her life expectancy, but what about everything she is leaving? Her home will become rubble and all the things she's gotten throughout her life will be gone. That takes at least a moment to mourn over, granted the mourning can be done later. Just a moment of thought would be well placed here.
Another example could been in those traveling or sleepless hours. That would be a good time to reminisce on what she just left behind and tug more at that emotional strand.
These are just some suggestions, mind you, so you don't have to use them. Just offering my thoughts.
On a separate note, your grammar is very good. I was not actively searching for mistakes but I do happen to catch a lot, and I did not find anything glaring while I was reading. Everything seems very much in order. I will suggest, however, that you start indenting. It looks more professional (like a real book) and makes it easier to read.
Also, I very much liked the setup of the prologue. Unexpected, but I enjoyed it. I like surprises like that. Keep writing, please, and feel free to message me if you would like any more tips. Also, I might be able to come up with a picture for you. If you'd like to message me what you want, I could tell you if I can do it or not. I can show you past works, and while I'm not great, I do well enough. I don't charge, but it may take a little time depending on how complex it is. I am in college so that takes a lot of my time.
Congrats on the story, and I hope to hear from you.
~ pikammd
7062256 Thanks for the feedback! I agree that the first chapter was a bit too fast-paced, but I really wanted to hook the reader with that. However, in the future chapters I am working on, it does slow down to give more depth to the characters and such. As for the picture, I would greatly appreciate that. I think it would be cool to have Lyra standing in the Everfree forest, wearing the same kind of outfit that the Mane 6 wore in this alternate reality in the season 5 finale.
7062640 And as you said it was quite early in the morning so no fault. Perhaps the suggestions will fit later on, next day or some such thing. I look forward to reading your next chapters. I'm afraid I haven't seen the season 5 finale yet (I'm majorly behind on the show thanks to college) so I will try to look up pictures and see if I can find what you mean. It will take me a little while to make the picture, just so you know. I'm not as fast as some brilliant artists on here.
Would you like the Cake foals to be there as well?
7062685 Sure, if you're up for it.
7063008 I can try my darndest. I'll message you when I've found pictures that might have the right style of clothing. I'm currently finishing up a personal one but once that's done and I finish some more homework, I'll get started.
7063030 Ok.
I think, in general, the pacing is really fast. A lot of things happened in this chapter, yet each individual event did not have as much impact, to me at least.
Canterlot's been taken over by changelings? Interesting
Lyra having to contemplate defending her home and leaving to fight for another day? Cool
Mr. and Mrs. are killed? The psychology of that could have been interesting
Running in the forest and having to camp out for the "night" (Or rather, what time the night should be)?
A lot of these things could have been expanded on. Flashbacks to Lyra's life pre-invasion to make her decision to leave more meaningful. Going into greater detail about Mrs. Cake psychological trauma. More theory-crafting on what's happening with the princesses' (and no, Lyra. That's not trivial. If the sun and moon has been moving for the past week, the fact that its stopped is a big fucking deal.)
Furthermore, you have a habit of telling rather than showing. For instance,
1.) Do not declare what will happen in a character's future, especially in such a tense sense. The story is only dramatic if the audience believes that there is a chance that Lyra could die. That statement implies that Lyra is going to live long enough to regret the decision, which ruins the tension.
2.) Lyra's actions are good enough to tell the audience that she's going to save the kids because Mrs. Cake isn't moving. It does not need to be declared in the scenic description.
Superficially, the story is alright. I just feel like it could be tightened up a bit more.
My last though: A rolling pin? Really? The fuck did he expect to do with a rolling pin? Might have well have just ran. Nothing in that building was worth the risks of fighting. But that's just me
7089537 Thanks for the feedback! I agree that there are several topics I should have gone into greater detail on, especially the psychological aspect of what Lyra witnessed in Ponyville. In the second chapter, I do address some of these issues by slowing down the story to allow more reflection with Lyra. The entire first chapter was admittedly a bit rushed, both with the amount of time I put into it and the pace of the chapter. Concerning the sun-moon cycle thing, there will be more on that subject later. At that time, with everything else Lyra had to think about, that was the least of her concerns, which is why she simply noted it as 'trivial'. Again, thanks for the help, and I will use this advice to try and improve future chapters.