Lyra cautiously peeked through her window into the barren streets of Ponyville. Almost two weeks ago, Changelings invaded Canterlot. There had been many rumors spread that the forces in Canterlot were unable to contain the invasion, and that the apocalypse was nigh. Of course, there was no official news to back this up, and she did not believe a word of it. She was one of the only ponies who had not fled into the forest, following that crazy zebra. She remained in Ponyville, along with the mayor and a handful of other level-headed ponies. She was determined to stay here and wait for her friend to return. It had been one week since Bon Bon had left for Canterlot to help the cause, and she had not received any news. Although she knew her friend would be safe, she had to admit that the lack of any communication from Canterlot was unsettling.
A blaring noise interrupted her thoughts. As far as she could tell, it was coming from outside. Hesitantly, she walked to her door and slowly opened it.
“EVACUATE, NOW! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! THE CHANGELINGS ARE HERE! RUN FOR-”
Lyra immediately recognized it to be the mayor's voice, amplified by a loudspeaker. Suddenly, it was cut off with a splat. Lyra could hear her heart threatening to burst from her chest. The Changelings had spread from Canterlot. They were here now, in Ponyville. And they had just killed the mayor. Just then, Lyra realized that everything had gotten darker. She looked to the skies, and was horrified to see that the swarm of Changelings that were swiftly descending on Ponyville had blotted out the Sun. At that moment, she knew she must make a choice. She could either stay in the temporary protection of her home, allowing her a few extra moments of life, or she could take her chances in the streets with the goal of escaping this nightmare.
After a few seconds of thought, she chose the latter. She swiftly burst open her door and sped into a full run. As she galloped through the streets, she could see the ruins of what used to be so familiar. It was worse than she possibly could have imagined. In the distance, she could see huge clouds of smoke rising from Sweet Apple Acres. As she passed by Town Hall, she saw Mayor Mare's lifeless body lying on the ground, confirming her suspicions. She was speeding past Sugarcube Corner, which had already been reduced to rubble, when she spotted Mr. Cake, causing her to stop in her tracks. He was valiantly fighting off two Changelings with a rolling pin, his wife standing behind him, cradling their children.
Without thinking, Lyra rushed to help. She was too late. As she rushed to tackle the Changeling closest to the family, blood spattered onto her face. An ebony blade was protruding from Mr. Cake's back. She pummeled the Changeling at fault until it was still, and the other quickly fled, but that could not undo what already occurred. Ms. Cake was frozen in shock, tears streaming down her face.
“Hello? Mrs. Cake, I know this is hard, but I need you to listen. We have to get out of here.”
The blue mare was unresponsive. Already, another group of the bugs had taken notice of them.
“Please, I'm begging you. Do it for your kids!” Lyra pleaded. It was no use.
Lyra then made a decision, one that would haunt her for the rest of her life. She grabbed the foals from their mother's arms and placed them on her back. Mrs. Cake did not react at all. Lyra gave the mare one last, sorrowful look and ran. She didn't look back, but she could still hear the screaming, and the sickening sound of blade meeting flesh. It was the only option. Ms. Cake would not have been mobile in time, and Lyra was not about to let these innocent children be slaughtered.
She kept running. The edge of the Everfree was now in sight, and Lyra let out a sigh of relief. Almost there. She glanced behind her back, just to be sure. Nothing. The group that had noticed them must have been too occupied with Mrs. Cake to notice their departure. All of the gore she had just witnessed flashed back into her mind, causing her to vomit. She noticed that both of the children were now crying very loudly, and would soon give away their location.
“Hush!” Lyra insisted. She had never been very good with children. They ignored her, and continued their wailing. She kept them both on her back, and continued running. Soon, she was well into the forest. Both children had fallen asleep at some point during their ride, and she realized just how tired she was. Lyra collapsed to the ground, barely mustering the energy to remove the foals from her back and place them on the soft ground. Although she was physically exhausted, she realized after a few hours that it would be impossible to sleep. Staring up at the sky, she then noticed something very peculiar. When she first left her house, it had been sunset. Now, as far as she could tell, several hours had passed, and it was still sunset. She felt a sinking feeling in her stomach, for she knew who was always responsible for raising the Moon and Sun. Could it be? Are the princesses... She pushed the thought away as soon as it had appeared. Of course they weren't. The day-night cycle had been just fine for the last week, even after Canterlot was first attacked. Why would something have happened to the Ruling Sisters just now? And why, Lyra wondered, was she thinking about something as small and trivial as this right now? It was probably a defense mechanism of her mind, blocking what had happened today from her thoughts for the the time being. After another uneventful hour or two, sleep didn't see so impossible. She closed her eyes, and everything faded to black.
Good for now, do make the chapters longer
7059024 Yeah, that's the plan. I wrote this chapter at 2 am, and I did rush it out a bit, which may have affected the quality somewhat as well.
To be perfectly honest, I didn't expect much of the story due to its length, but seeing as we are both new I wished to see what you had anyway. I was pleasantly surprised. Despite the length, it was quite good. You have a god sequential setup and the style is pleasant and easy to read. However, you seem a little too focused on the actions. I would suggest adding more emotional and sentimental things to this to both lengthen it and give it more depth. For instance, in those few second Lyra was deciding whether or not to leave her home behind, we know she was debating her life expectancy, but what about everything she is leaving? Her home will become rubble and all the things she's gotten throughout her life will be gone. That takes at least a moment to mourn over, granted the mourning can be done later. Just a moment of thought would be well placed here.
Another example could been in those traveling or sleepless hours. That would be a good time to reminisce on what she just left behind and tug more at that emotional strand.
These are just some suggestions, mind you, so you don't have to use them. Just offering my thoughts. On a separate note, your grammar is very good. I was not actively searching for mistakes but I do happen to catch a lot, and I did not find anything glaring while I was reading. Everything seems very much in order. I will suggest, however, that you start indenting. It looks more professional (like a real book) and makes it easier to read.
Also, I very much liked the setup of the prologue. Unexpected, but I enjoyed it. I like surprises like that. Keep writing, please, and feel free to message me if you would like any more tips. Also, I might be able to come up with a picture for you. If you'd like to message me what you want, I could tell you if I can do it or not. I can show you past works, and while I'm not great, I do well enough. I don't charge, but it may take a little time depending on how complex it is. I am in college so that takes a lot of my time.
Congrats on the story, and I hope to hear from you.
~ pikammd
7062256 Thanks for the feedback! I agree that the first chapter was a bit too fast-paced, but I really wanted to hook the reader with that. However, in the future chapters I am working on, it does slow down to give more depth to the characters and such. As for the picture, I would greatly appreciate that. I think it would be cool to have Lyra standing in the Everfree forest, wearing the same kind of outfit that the Mane 6 wore in this alternate reality in the season 5 finale.
7062640 And as you said it was quite early in the morning so no fault. Perhaps the suggestions will fit later on, next day or some such thing. I look forward to reading your next chapters. I'm afraid I haven't seen the season 5 finale yet (I'm majorly behind on the show thanks to college) so I will try to look up pictures and see if I can find what you mean. It will take me a little while to make the picture, just so you know. I'm not as fast as some brilliant artists on here. Would you like the Cake foals to be there as well?
7062685 Sure, if you're up for it.
7063008 I can try my darndest. I'll message you when I've found pictures that might have the right style of clothing. I'm currently finishing up a personal one but once that's done and I finish some more homework, I'll get started.
7063030 Ok.
I think, in general, the pacing is really fast. A lot of things happened in this chapter, yet each individual event did not have as much impact, to me at least.
Canterlot's been taken over by changelings? Interesting
Lyra having to contemplate defending her home and leaving to fight for another day? Cool
Mr. and Mrs. are killed? The psychology of that could have been interesting
Running in the forest and having to camp out for the "night" (Or rather, what time the night should be)?
A lot of these things could have been expanded on. Flashbacks to Lyra's life pre-invasion to make her decision to leave more meaningful. Going into greater detail about Mrs. Cake psychological trauma. More theory-crafting on what's happening with the princesses' (and no, Lyra. That's not trivial. If the sun and moon has been moving for the past week, the fact that its stopped is a big fucking deal.)
Furthermore, you have a habit of telling rather than showing. For instance,
1.) Do not declare what will happen in a character's future, especially in such a tense sense. The story is only dramatic if the audience believes that there is a chance that Lyra could die. That statement implies that Lyra is going to live long enough to regret the decision, which ruins the tension.
2.) Lyra's actions are good enough to tell the audience that she's going to save the kids because Mrs. Cake isn't moving. It does not need to be declared in the scenic description.
Superficially, the story is alright. I just feel like it could be tightened up a bit more.
My last though: A rolling pin? Really? The fuck did he expect to do with a rolling pin? Might have well have just ran. Nothing in that building was worth the risks of fighting. But that's just me