The Raffle

by CakeEmperor

The Cake War

Me and Luna were now at the door to the courtroom. The door was massive, and it had millions of designs cut into it, each one filled with gold. I couldn't help but stare in awe.

The night princess giggled, "This is only the door, fair Jack. Wait until you see what lies behind it."

I laughed awkwardly in response and nodded.

With her magic, she opened the door to allow entry. As we walked through, my jaw nearly hit the floor. Stain-glass windows, surrounded the entire room; eliciting a rainbow of light upon the floor. Magnificent silk tapestries idly hung from the walls, waiting to be gawked at. And there, by the far wall, centered between the royal banners, sat a large ornate red and golden chair. A maid, was standing put near the throne, smiling at us, as we entered.

"This is the throne room?" I whispered.

She nodded, "Tis' is the royal courtroom. At night, we sit here and await counsel."

Await counsel? But there's literally nobody here. I swung my head around, and found the entire place to be empty, besides me, some maid and the princess, of course.

Okay, this is weird...

Me and Luna avoided each other's gazes, obviously ignoring the elephant in the room. Not wanting to say anything to make her upset, I opted to just stay silent, and politely sit on one of the stairs, leading to the throne.

This is really awkward. Alright, strike some conversation, or something.

I coughed, "So, princess... what else do you do during court?"

Luna looked up in contemplation, "We do not do much at this hour. Instead, we read books, and form new patterns in the night."

"Wait, you study constellations?" I asked, thoughtfully.

Luna turned her head towards me, a face of confusion thoroughly plastered onto her face. She looked at me for a while, before her eyes widened in understanding. She nervously spoke, "Y-yes! Indeed! We draweth lines, using the already existing stars that we obviously cannot control!"

I guess that's cool...

Then, we just sat there. Glancing over to Luna, I found that she looked bored to tears. Alright, this has to change.

I stood up, effectively gaining Luna's attention, "Princess, nobody is coming."

"That is not true, tis' only a... slow night."

...

"It's a slow night every night, isn't it?"

Luna sat up assertively, "We are not leaving this courtroom."

"Alright, fine..."

After a moment, an idea popped into my head. I grew a sly grin. "Though, we should have something to drink while were sitting here."

"Thou art thirsty? We can send a maid to bring you a beverage."

"Not that type of drink. You know, I mean alcohol, liquor, firewater, rotgut. Something to make nightcourt a bit more fun."

"Perhaps... yes, we would like to indulge on... this alcohol." Luna giggled. She then gestured to the maid, "Fair maid, we would like to request a bottle of wine, please."

The maid nodded, before running off.

"There you go, Princess! You'll love it!" I laughed, excitement running through me at the thought of some wine.

In no time, the maid returned with a bottle, and set it between us. I smirked; grabbing the bottle, "First drink goes to the lady."

"Thank you. We shouldn't drink too much though..."

Nearly an hour of drinking later...

"Are you sherious?? You literally haff hundreds of bottles of booze, but you never drink any of it?!"

We were now both sitting on the floor, with several empty bottles of wine between us. The two of us were completely smashed.

Luna levitated another glass over to me, before speaking, "We hath not drinketh, shince we were young."

Luna started grabbing at my shirt, with her magic, "Why dosh you hewmans always wear clothing?" Her face was scrunched up, and a deep, red, blush covered the majority of her cheeks.

I stood up, nearly toppling over, "If I dishnt, my thing would be in everyone's fashe!"

The princess started laughing hysterically, "Art thou embarrished of its shise?"

I felt even more warmth to my cheeks, "N-no!"

Luna kept laughing and began prancing around, "Jack hash a small thingy! Jack hash a small thingy!"

The maid behind us, actually looked scared now. I looked over and groaned at her, "Morrrrreee Booze!!"

15 minutes later (Four glasses of wine)

"We are no longer Nightmare Moon, b-but everypony ish still scared of ush!"

I held onto her, letting her cry, "You! You don't needsh to listen to them! Dey are all just jealous of your hair."

Luna started to drunkingly smile again, "Tanks, Jack! Your my besht friend!"

When she said that, I felt some kind of urge in my head. It was as if some part of me, was screaming at me. Trying to think in my drunk-addled
mind, I thought, Wait... wasn't I supposed to be doing something?

The alicorn suddenly looked down, a frown growing on her face, "Jacksh, we hath something to tell thou..."

I thought even more, Come on, brain! Work! She has to tell you something, you can't trust her... oh! Yes, I need proof that she is gonna do genocide on all humans!

I pat her on the back, "Joo can tell me anyshing!"

She perked up, "Don't tell Shelestia dat we shaid this, but she ish shtudying da humans" Luna, to prove her point, cupped my face with both of her hooves, and repeated, "She even keeps a journal on joo!"

Yes, a Journal! It probably even has information in it! I need it!

I physically removed her hooves, before speaking, "Luna, I needsh da journal, itsh an emergenshy!"

Luna, not even caring at my reasoning, was now completely determined. She threw her hooves down before nodded frantically, "Huzzah! We musht getsh the journal! Mount us Jack!!"

My eyes nearly popped out of their sockets, "I shink dat we should get to know eachother firsht and den-."

"What? N-no! We meant to placesh your bottom on our back! Hurry!"

"Here goes nothing!" I thought, before approaching her, and wrapping my legs around the alicorn.

I didn't even get a chance to settle myself, before she jolted out the door. She couldn't stay in a straight line though... she was drunk. Instead, she criss-crossed the entire way, nearly smacking into every pony, that was unfortunate enough to be walking down the hallway.

I bent down to see Luna's face. For some reason, it looked as if she was enjoying herself, as she had a massive grin spread across her face.
Ponies were screaming, and doing barrel-rolls to avoid the charging Luna and her human rider. It didn't matter though; desperate times, call for desperate measures! I must have that journal!

Eventually, we sprinted towards the entrance of another tower, completed with the spiraling stairs. I knew right away that me and Luna were heading to Celestia's chambers.

We flew up all of the stairs, and straight through the chamber's entrance. Afterwards, Luna made a sudden, and complete stop, effectively launching me into the air.

I ended up sailing, not for long though, since the stone wall stopped me from flying. For some reason it didn't hurt though... maybe I was too drunk! Yay!

I heard a squeak, "Jack! Sister! Why are you two in my room?"

Craning my head up, I spotted Celestia. She was in her bed, wearing a pink and white bath-robe, and was clutching some kind of book to her chest.

Luna slammed her hooves down from the other side of the room, "We'sh need your journal!"

Celestia's eyes swept over to me, before looking back at her sister. She then squinted, "Sister, are you drunk?"

Luna started swaying, "No! You're drunk!"

I eventually got up, and when I did, I saw two Celestias, wobbling around. I picked one of the Celestias and commanded her, "You gotta hand over da journal!"

Celestia clutched her book even more, "I-I can't. I'm sorry, Jack."

I knew it! Now, I gotta take it by force.

I tore my focus back to Luna, but found her head lowered, and her eyes shut. She was trying to sleep!

"Luna!" I yelled, waking the moon princess up. Upon hearing my voice, she started to shake her sleep away. When she was done, she searched the room until her eyes rested on me. I gestured over to Celestia, and she nodded in acknowledgement, before the two of us locked eyes back on Celestia...

She face-hooved, "You two aren't really..."

My glare intensified.

She nodded, "I see then."

Immediately after, both me and Luna charged after the sun princess, but before we could, a golden ball of light cloaked the entire room. Before any of us could reach her, she was gone. She must have teleported!

"Luna, she teleported."

...

"Luna?" I searched the bed, until I found a large, blue, furry blob laying in the bed with her head stuck in the sheets.

I tapped her, "Luna."

..."SNOOOOOOOOOOORE!"

I guess I'm on my own.

Jumping to my feet, I jolted outside of the room and fled down the stairs. After a while of drunkingly flailing down a bunch of stairs, I finally met the bottom of the tower, and opened the door. Upon leaving, I peered down the hallway.

I sniffed, "I shmell fear... she's close."

Before going anywhere, I quickly spotted a speck of gold, flash in the corner of my eye. When I turned to see what it was, it was gone.

"Hey! You get bahk here!" I hollered, instantly pursuing the golden speck.

I chased it around another the corner, before seeing exactly what it was... it was a solar unicorn guard! What was he doing?!

His head hastily swung around to look at me from behind. When he did, he squeaked before running even faster than before. That was, until he picked a door on the side of the hallway, and slid into it. Afterwards, he slammed the door shut.

With all of my brute, human strength, I tore the door back open, and rushed in.

When I entered, I noticed that I was in some kind of royal dining room; not for the guards though, it looked too showy for that. The seats were basically smaller thrones, and the table had thousands of incredible designs, just like the courtroom's door.

I immediately ignored everything though, after hearing a highly feminine, evil-laugh.

As soon as I heard it, I spun around on my shoes, only to face Celestia. She was still wearing her bath-robe, but this time, she had about twenty guards in front of her. Each guard was readily armed with what looked like sponge-cakes.

Upon seeing me, Celestia threw me a mischievous grin, "Obtaining the journal is futile, Jack. You might as well surrender now."

With full determination, I raised my head, and looked into her eyes, "I needsh dat journal!"

After the last word escaped my mouth, Celestia reacted by lifting two cakes with her magic, and keept that determined, excited smile, "Then bring it..."

"HOLD IT!"

A random voice, echoed throughout the entire dining room. Upon hearing it, everyone lowered their cakes. A few groans of disappointment could be heard among Celestia's guards. I snapped my attention towards the voice, finding a group of bat ponies enter through the door. Each one had blue armor, and was also armed with various types of cakes and cupcakes.

One of the batponies floated over to me, with a smirk stuck on her face. She winked at me, before facing the crowd, "You know, you don't have to fight alone. Also, drink this... it'll help."

I didn't even care what was in the bottle, a batpony army? I'll take all of the help I can get! Accepting her help, I clasped onto the bottle, and downed the random liquid.

The liquid rushed down my throat. However, it took a while before my brain could process the taste. The taste kept getting worse, and worse, and worse...

"Bleh!" I dropped the bottle, "What was in that stuff?" My question was never answered though, as I found all of the guards, getting into an offensive, position. They were going to attack!

Before they did though, some random pony wearing a chef's hat and apron ran through the crowd, yelling, "Have mercy!"

Both sides ignored him, and a random war-horn was blown.

"WhooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

Batpony and Unicorn alike, instantly fired cake, after cake, covering the entire dining room with frosting. Chairs and tables were promptly flipped over for cover. I saw this as an advantage, and tumbled over to get behind one of them. One batpony stood on the other side of the table-shield, next to me, and was throwing a series of cupcakes from a large platter on the ground.

Not facing me, he yelled at me as he continued firing, "Sir, Celestia's men are gaining gai- ughhhh!" A cake was smashed into his chest, forcing him to flop over. After that, he stopped moving...

I snickered, before beginning to eat the cake off of his stomach. My meal was abruptly interrupted, though, since the stomach I was eating off of, began rumbling, and the sound of laughter could be heard, "Ok! Ok! I'm out. Good luck with the war, captain!"

When he left, I knew what I had to do. I plucked a cupcake from the dish, and peeked out from behind the table, to inspect the battle. Nearly all of the guards were either laying on the floor, or walking away in defeat. The only ones left, were three solar guards, and the princess, herself.

I thought to myself, "Wow, that was a quick war. Alright, I can still do this, I just need to be stealthy." Carefully, I crawled further away, to try to get an upper-hand.

"Come on out, Jack. Defeat is inevitable." Celestia called out, rather cheerfully, might I add.

I dropped to the ground, and raised my arm, with the cupcake. At a painstakingly slow pace, I took aim, directly at one of her guards. I sucked in my gut... keeping him in my throwing sights.

I felt my heart beat, pulsing in my chest and arms. Sweat dripped down my forehead. Time seemed to slow... but this was it. This was the shot. I exhaled, before launching the cupcake directly at the unicorn.

From far away, I watched as the cupcake exploded on impact, covering the entire guard in dessert.

Celestia gasped from surprise, watching the guard made a theatrical and exaggerated death on the floor. I didn't stop there though, I rapidly threw two more cupcakes at the other guards, tagging them out.

Now, just one more... and I get the stupid journal.

I reared up another shot, and fired... but... she caught it. With magic.

She gleamed, and allowed the cupcake to drop to the floor, "No... we fight the honest way. Face-to-face."

I hesitantly stood up, moving away from cover. I was now standing directly in the open, with Celestia on the other side.

This is it... this is my last chance.

Celestia seemed to be thinking the same thing I was, "Jack, this is it. Do you think you have what it takes to beat me?"

I squeezed a ball of fluff in my hand. I would have to make it count.

"I was born ready."

Celestia hummed, levitating nearly a dozen of cakes, "Then do what you were born to do..."

The cakes reared back in the air, before each was launched at me.

I dodged the first one, and continued charging forward, with the ball of cake in my hand. Each cake made a swooshing sound close to my sides, and head, but for some reason, each one missed. Finally, I was near Celestia.

This is my chance... I thought to myself, before quickening my pace, and ran straight towards her.

That's when I was right in front of her... she had no more cakes, yet I still had one. Smirking, I gently tapped it on her nose, "Boop."

Her whole face scrunched up, but then she began laughing like crazy. So much, that she even began rolling on the floor.

She began to attempt speech, in between the laughs, "T-that hahaha was the most fun... haha, I have had in, decades!"

Eventually, she opted to just lay on her back, still a giggling mess.

Realizing the silliness of the situation, I started laughing too.

Celestia noticed me laughing, then, her face took a serious turn. She stood up to look into my eyes, "I must give you the journal, correct?"

I rubbed my eyes, "I don't even know anymore... I think I had too much wine."

She giggled, "Yes, but I feel as it is only fair. You did go to war for it, after all." Her horn lit up, and golden spirals began to flash around her horn. A drop of sweat broke from her face, before a shining, ball of light appeared in front of me.

A second passed before the magic died down... and revealed the book that she was previously clutching.

Since the magic was gone, the book also went done, and flopped onto the floor.

Not hesitating at all, I picked it up, and started to read,

---

My Personal Journal Regarding the Human.

Day 1: Me and Luna have finally came to terms about housing the human. As of late, there had been many revolts across Equus, because of Equestria's decisions. Even though the leaders agree with me, their civilians do not.

Regardless, I have met with Earth's union, and retrieved the human. My own spies have told me that the humans wanted to originally cheat the Raffle, and send a trained politician. I assumed Jack to be the trained politician, however, I soon became suspicious of my own thought. When the human space-boat landed, and the parade readied their music and merriment, I found Jack Harrison laying on the ground, half-dead.

We will find who did this.

Day 2: None of my guards found the pony who beat him. The pony was a spy, and was disguised as one of our very own guards.

I have sent guards to watch over Jack for his safety. He does not like them, but I refuse to leave him into the hands of assassins.

Day 3: Luna is fuming. Apparently, he has injured one of her guards, with a shoe. I wish I didn't have to jail him like this, but it is the only way.

Day 4: I just saw his... 'thing'! Now, it simply won't leave my mind! I cannot think clearly anymore. I think I'm just going to take a nap.

---

Then, that was it. There weren't any more entries.

When I put the book down, I found Celestia blushing, "The last entry was... not expected. I am sorry for that, but let me see the journal again, I want to finish the last log."

"Sure." I choked, before handing her the book.

She took it, and levitated over a quill, and dipped it in ink. Afterwards, she scrunched her muzzle in concentration before writing. When she was done, she smiled and levitated the paper back to me.

---

Day 5: After a rather long, and difficult week. I have come to realize, that Jack is a very unique human.

So far, I have only spoke to humans with their hearts guarded, and their minds clouded in formality.

It is a breath of fresh air, to have a human be himself around me. Even if he is angry at me, he admits that he is angry, and doesn't try to hide it.

I know that the circumstances have been tough, but I hope that perhaps someday, we could be friends.

---

"Wow... that's um..."

My thoughts drifted off, What was this? She wanted to be friends?

Celestia interrupted my thoughts, "I understand that you might still be angry at me, and that your trust has worn thin, but could we perhaps start anew? Could we build a friendship?"

I was shocked.

"A friendship?"

"Yes, is that wrong?" She frowned, hard.

I stuttered, "N-no! I mean, you were my enemy before! This is just... different."

"That is why I wish to start new. No matter your decision to accept or not, I will discuss to your leaders about your return."

I just stared, dumbly, "Sure, we could be friends."

As soon as I said that, her eyes lit up like fireworks, and she trapped me in a bone-crushing grip.

The hug was painful, but it was also kind of nice not having to hate her anymore. Maybe we could actually be friends.

She released me, and I yawned, "I'm tired, I better go hit the sack."

"Forgive me for my misunderstanding, but you wish to beat a bag?"

"No, it means that I need to sleep."

"Yes, me too. I do look forward to seeing you in the morning!" She smiled widely.

I grinned, "Yeah, I'll see you in the morning. 'Night, Princess."

"Goodnight, Jack."

Comments

[gamer91]

I'm sorry to say that I simply no longer wish to continue to read this story. I came for a lighthearted romance fic and this has become a conspiracy fic... Maybe in the future I will return but it is unlikely.

[Edgeblackstar]

This chapter got me hook in again, even though I not all in to romance fics I and happy with this one and cake wars!!! Artistic chapter

[MuzaWaza]

Jeah, the only part that I dislike so far in this story is the conspiracy stuff. I feel that it takes away the humor and romance that you have build up in this chapter, just to end it on a bad note with 'Silver'.

[CakeEmperor]

I am fixing the romance-thing.

[pahnazd]

I don't know how it looked before the re-writes, but I'm really liking how it is now - a pretty fluid read, amusing situations, and nice to see our protagonist opening up a bit.
Then again, if my government pulled that kind of stuff on me I'd just send them to hell. Let's see where this goes though. Can't wait for more

[LordMentat]

The coming chapters will be interesting it seems.

[Hichigo]

I like this story :3

[Blaze the draconic mage]

This story is funny i can't wait for more and is she going to genocide humans

[darius the brony]

Oh a cake war, they are getting drunk and also having a cake war with the human now, a human they've known for less then a couple days and could easily be a spy. You'd think with these conspiracies and intrigue happening around here that Celestia and Luna would be a little more serious about the situation, but nope they instead dick around with the human like school girls.

Celestia noticed me laughing, then, her face took a serious turn. She stood up to look into my eyes, "I must give you the journal, correct?"
I rubbed my eyes, "I don't even know anymore... I think I had too much wine."
She giggled, "Yes, but I feel as it is only fair. You did go to war for it, after all." Her horn lit up, and golden spirals began to flash around her horn. A drop of sweat broke from her face, before a shining, ball of light appeared in front of me.

and here is all my government secrets, locations to secret military instillation, my deepest darkest fears, my freakin social number, you know because i've only known you for less then a week so of course i should tell you everything.

Regardless, I have met with Earth's union, and retrieved the human. My own spies have told me that the humans wanted to originally cheat the Raffle, and send a trained politician. I assumed Jack to be the trained politician, however, I soon became suspicious of my own thought.

These "humans" waged war on the first day they met you guys, i wouldn't really become suspicious of the thought that they would probably send an spy to you guys and seeing that you are already sharing sensitive information with him clearly they made a mistake not sending a real spy.

Day 5: After a rather long, and difficult week. I have come to realize, that Jack is a very unique human.
So far, I have only spoke to humans with their hearts guarded, and their minds clouded in formality.
It is a breath of fresh air, to have a human be himself around me. Even if he is angry at me, he admits that he is angry, and doesn't try to hide it.
I know that the circumstances have been tough, but I hope that perhaps someday, we could be friends.

or this could always be a trained spy simply acting :). I'm surprised there hasn't been a coup yet.

[Ravvij]

I hope you continue this soon! I've really been enjoying this. I love how you've made the pressing issue to be the human govornments supposedly watching him in the background, somehow, and using the natural childishness of Equestria to lighten things up. I love the idea that a very peaceful society is actually more powerful than a war-driven one; I can't think of a better way to portray that than what you've done here.

[Thunder--Clash]

I do hope you continue writing this story. I find it quite entertaining

[J-TBone]

I really like this. Will wait for more