- Member Since 18th Mar, 2016
- offline last seen Sunday
MrTea
The world is full of strange people. I'm one of them.
MrTea
Joined 18th Mar, 2016 ·
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MrTea · 76k words · 390 15 · 3.6k views
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""Ouch" was the first thought that came to Antonius Varus' mind when he regained consciousness."
No Space Marine has ever said or thought the word "ouch".
"His armor was covered in dried, black daemon-blood..."
Another instance of poor grasp of canon. Daemon "blood" doesn't stay in realspace. It melts "like fat on the gristle" when it's source is banished or removed from the immediate surroundings.
"
The current magazine had twenty-one bolts left, and he had only one full magazine in reserve. Fifty-one bolts in total. Not much, so Antonius set the bolter to single-fire mode. The chainsword he got from his former sergeant of the 7th on their way back to the extraction point was fully functional, its promethium tank almost full. His combat knife was also in good condition, but he had no grenades left."
There's a rule called Show, Don't Tell. Also, you didn't need to post the sum, most readers here have a fair grasp of elementary mathematics.
'"Hello, I'm a lonesome Astartes, separated from my chapter. Please come and kill me"?'
Again, even in their thoughts, no Space Marine would express dialogue like this.
"The forest was really dense and dark with a lot of undergrowth."
Show, don't tell again.
"After a few kilometers, he discovered a clearing with a pond, fed by a small stream, and checked the water. It was fresh and clean, so one part of his quest was solved."
Another glaring fault with canon. If you actually knew about their physiology, you'd know this wouldn't be an issue.
Honestly, I can't go any further. There's so much immersion breaking, any further reading will just put me in a bad mood. You need an editor.
If Antonius Varus was voiced, what would he sound like?
Not bad. Looking forward to see how this one turns out.
Well this is cool. I love Warhammer stories. If you want to have some ocs you can use my changeling Shadow Hive, Necron dynasty, and Tyranid hive fleet for later in your story. I am a big fan of Warhammer 40k, and I don't mind being your editor for your story. Let me know what you think ok?
Thanks for the feedback, the positive and also the negative.
7062150
At the moment, I don't plan to include other ocs. Perhaps I'll change that later.
As for your offer to be my editor, I'll write you a mail soon.
7060687
Thank you!
7060604
I'll describe his voice in a later chapter.
As for the critique of the "clean" water, I thought there were three possibilities:
- water is clean -> preomnor has nothing to do -> Antonius can drink the water
- water is poisonous -> preomnor creates an antitoxin -> Antonius can drink the water
- water contains an exotic poison the preomnor can't handle -> preomnor is isolated from the rest of the digestive tract -> Antonius can't drink the water
It is possible that I got this wrong, then this part of the story would really be pointless.
7064559 Ok, thanks!
Hmm, I'm intrigued right now. I want to see where this is going. Also, you might to find an editor. Lines, spacing and grammar needs some work but overall, not bad.
Needs mor dakka
Seems good so far, needs quite a bit more progress before I put it in my favorite category.
A few months ago I read up on all the implants of a super marine, they're quite op and I really hope he gets to use some of the more interesting ones of them.
The biggest fault I would say for this story is that you gave the Marine too much 'normal' personality.
OOOOOOHH! WARMHAMMER 40,000!!!
I wonder how Celestia and Luna are going to take this
7189635 I see that you like Warhammer 40K. Which reace do you either like or play as? It would be cool to know if you want to collab on a Warhammer 40K story.
7189777 I prefer the Blood Angels, but I also like Space Wolves. :3
7190248 Cool! Well I like the Necrons. Do you like Pokemon?
7190345 I LOVE Pokémon.
7190351 Really!?! Cool! Which one or ones are your favorite? Mine are Flygon and Garchomp. My username is made by combining them together.
7190420 Typhlosion.
7190427 That's cool.
If at any point he does battle with Celestia, I really want her to use her magic beam and him to tank it with his hand like it was nothing. Considering chrysalis' beam overcame hers and only resulted in a burn of the horn I doubt it would do much to a space marine armor.
7190643 To be honest...I don't really like how many authors made the ponies weak as hell...
RD crashes at supersonic to hypersonic speed and get up just fine. Crash the wrong way and she have a broken wing that healed up in 3 days. Not to mention that Pegasus can take quite a bit of volt or ampe and only signed a bit. Twilight had an anvil, a piano and a numbers of other things dropped on her and she got right back up shortly. We can argue it was for comedic effect but we can also argue that they have quite a bit of magic in them. RD and Twilight is quite an example of high level unicorn and pegasus. Maud is...Well, she is an example of high level Earth pony. Celestia during the flash back took a magic beam that could incinerate or more accurately cutting right through thick stone constructions and get up seemingly without a scratch. Oh, she scream in pain...probably...But, we didn't see any injures. The average ponies handle impact and a lot of other things that would make a normal human a vegetable or straight up dying.
So yeah...It feels really weird when some random normal human show up and completely floor the ponies when they are a lot stronger than they look. Now we're talking about Space Marine...Hmmm...They are overpowered but not quite that overpowered as compare to normal human.
7223479
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Beside the fact that many Space Marines are Gary Stu incarnate, this guy is from the Ultrasmurfs Chapter no less. I do agree that the magical properties and the cartoon physics of ponies made them much tougher than they look, and if it was any other universes then it would be applicable.....but not Warhammer. That universe was made and cranked up to a ridiculous level of op that comparing it to another series universe is just asking for trouble. So don't bother, trust me, it will save you some sleep from over-analyzing.
This Ultramarine doesn't seem quite as..."overzealous" as the other...
The Veil is to keep demons out and from being detected! The ponies and their world were created by humans! That is my guess for this with all the clues so far.
7227730 I've browsed through many many debates on Space Marine VS and it all become a debate of how many soldiers of a certain type a Space Marine can handle at once. The Marines in Starcraft universe were usually the main candidate because their weapons and armor are much better than the other infantry units from other universes (and it would take at least spec ops of Warhammer to actually bring down an experienced Starcraft marine). The number Starcraft Marines needed to take down a Space Marine is somewhere around 10-500 on flat open ground or even city environment depend on the situation, settings what the debaters believe in. So, no, I don't believe they are that OP even if it take 500 Starcraft Marines to bring down just one of the non-legendary one.
On a second thought...500 Starcraft Marines is quite some Firepower...Maybe they are that OP. Considering a squad of Starcraft Marines can effectively engage Starfighters flying about 10-20 km above them (can't remember exactly) and supposely not missing a single shot at 1-2 km in lore when using the targeting system that is connected with both the gun and the armor.
But then again, we're talking about ponies and Space Marines are OP. But, personally, I always prefer a more powerful pony species with the princesses that can throw the Celestial bodies around like a giant club, smashing the space ships. And or floating around in space ripping ships after ships open with their indomitable magic in a massive fleet fight. It always bring joy to my Need of Epic.
7228462
I feel it is much harder to compare a universe that function using cartoon logic such as mlp to a grimdark one like Warhammer, more so than things like Warhammer vs Starcraft.
For starter, there really isn't much to use as a reliable template to compare them with. Sure everything can be say "it's was magic", but things like gravitational pull of the planet would greatly affect the living creatures there with their strength. Any information in the show and comics are unreliable at best, considering it is a kid show and thus often seen breaking it own rules for comedic effect, Pinkie is a prime example, but others do so as well.
7232241 True...Even the Warhammer itself breaks it own rules...And beat Lady Physic over the head with a Thunder Hammer regularly. Comes from writers not really understanding physic like a real scientist.
Hm, not a Warhammer guy myself but this sounds interesting.
I don't know why I point this out everytime I see it but, yer a brit ain't ya?
7246731
No, I'm not a native English speaker at all. I'm writing this story in 'en-US', but you're right, that is definitely 'en-GB'. I'll correct that.
7249143 Hey man, no need. I highly doubt anyone's annoyed by it.
7228266 My theory is that the reason you only see mostly royal guards and the rare cop in Manehattan is that the Tree of Hamony effects everything on a low subliminal level that makes crime extremely rare and you have to be either completely insane, desperate enough, possessed, or absolutely evil to shake off it's effects. As for the Ultramarine, harmony and faith are compatable enough that it's mellowing him out slowly.
7260487 Fascinating...It makes a certain amount of sense...
Still, I'm more worried about the veil...I don't think they should unveil it...It just scream trouble.
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Celestia looks to her sister, "So, He has found us. Gather thy wargear sister and let us meet with this representative of His."
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Yes bolter action
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7331908
They will talk about this 'unknown kind of magic' later when they meet the princesses.
Hopefully there won't be an 'embarrassing' situation...
I think you know what i mean by 'embarrassing'
Damn it pinkie, stop using your fourth degree inter-dimensional warp realm fuckery.
oh dear...
i hope that Antonius doesn't do anything too extreme...
oh dear......
Awesome love it
I hope the inquisitors don't hear about them or thing will get messy for them all.
What happened to Ollanius Pius???
7441254
There are three different versions of this 'companion':
- an Astartes Terminator
- a Custodian Guard
- Ollanius Pius
The latest material hints at Ollanius Pius, but I didn't want to make it more complicated than necessary and just called this companion 'companion'.
7441404
No, I don't plan to do that. In fact, it's the first time I heard about the 'Desert Fangs' (but I already know the Reasonable Marines and the Angry Marines).
"And as you are willing to join our fight against Chaos, we will not only welcome you, but also protect you." -An Ultrasmurfs.
~~~Somewhere across the vast and majestic gulf of the universe~~~
An Inquisitor is foaming and having a seizure.
7444016
Cool, thank you for the link!