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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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""Ouch" was the first thought that came to Antonius Varus' mind when he regained consciousness."
No Space Marine has ever said or thought the word "ouch".
"His armor was covered in dried, black daemon-blood..."
Another instance of poor grasp of canon. Daemon "blood" doesn't stay in realspace. It melts "like fat on the gristle" when it's source is banished or removed from the immediate surroundings.
"
The current magazine had twenty-one bolts left, and he had only one full magazine in reserve. Fifty-one bolts in total. Not much, so Antonius set the bolter to single-fire mode. The chainsword he got from his former sergeant of the 7th on their way back to the extraction point was fully functional, its promethium tank almost full. His combat knife was also in good condition, but he had no grenades left."
There's a rule called Show, Don't Tell. Also, you didn't need to post the sum, most readers here have a fair grasp of elementary mathematics.
'"Hello, I'm a lonesome Astartes, separated from my chapter. Please come and kill me"?'
Again, even in their thoughts, no Space Marine would express dialogue like this.
"The forest was really dense and dark with a lot of undergrowth."
Show, don't tell again.
"After a few kilometers, he discovered a clearing with a pond, fed by a small stream, and checked the water. It was fresh and clean, so one part of his quest was solved."
Another glaring fault with canon. If you actually knew about their physiology, you'd know this wouldn't be an issue.
Honestly, I can't go any further. There's so much immersion breaking, any further reading will just put me in a bad mood. You need an editor.
If Antonius Varus was voiced, what would he sound like?
Not bad. Looking forward to see how this one turns out.
Well this is cool. I love Warhammer stories. If you want to have some ocs you can use my changeling Shadow Hive, Necron dynasty, and Tyranid hive fleet for later in your story. I am a big fan of Warhammer 40k, and I don't mind being your editor for your story. Let me know what you think ok?
Thanks for the feedback, the positive and also the negative.
7062150
At the moment, I don't plan to include other ocs. Perhaps I'll change that later.
As for your offer to be my editor, I'll write you a mail soon.
7060687
Thank you!
7060604
I'll describe his voice in a later chapter.
As for the critique of the "clean" water, I thought there were three possibilities:
- water is clean -> preomnor has nothing to do -> Antonius can drink the water
- water is poisonous -> preomnor creates an antitoxin -> Antonius can drink the water
- water contains an exotic poison the preomnor can't handle -> preomnor is isolated from the rest of the digestive tract -> Antonius can't drink the water
It is possible that I got this wrong, then this part of the story would really be pointless.
7064559 Ok, thanks!
Hm, not a Warhammer guy myself but this sounds interesting.
i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/242/235/0c5.png
Damn it pinkie, stop using your fourth degree inter-dimensional warp realm fuckery.
Mmmm... Interesting...
Usually, I don't read about Ultra Smurfs, but I'll make an exception.
I'm not certain chainswords run on that. Especially Space Marine chainswords. They might, who knows. Man, it would be awesome if they had some sort of flame-spewing parts like the flaming smokestacks on top of dreadnaughts. Imagine if those slits in the hilt of a chainsword let out jets of flame when it was revved!
7060392
I wonder if that means that daemon blood is gunky but liquefies when the daemon is banished. In that case yes, the Marine could be covered in daemon warp-stuff.
I have always believed the Space Marines really need to have some sort underslung hellgun or something. They carry so little bolter ammunition but bolters are wonderful for blowing apart enemy cover. Blast the cover with a bolt then mow down the monsters behind it with the hellgun. And of course against Tyranids, using anything but multilasers attached to some sort of back-mounted power generator is stupid. Yet, the Astartes insist on using their bolters there, too. Because apparently a powerful minigun with inifnite ammo combined with Astartes reflexes and precision isn't something they're interested in.
7060392
Hm not to be pedantic... but the quantity of rounds in a full magazine is NOT written anywhere. So the sum IS needed to know how many rounds the marine has.
Obviously YOU may know that a full magazine is thirty rounds, as it is evident that you are familiar with the WH40K universe, but not everyone is.
8031891
that sounds fucking amazing (flaming powerswords)
salamanders probably rock something like that tbh
8393079
Power swords like the 1 the blood angels use let out blue like flames/electricity
7060392
You got further than me, I stopped right at his thoughts of calling for help. If he were a regular guardsmen I would have kept reading as those thoughts would have been acceptable depending on where said guard hailed but as it is this might as well be a misplaced fic where a guy goes to a convention dressed as a Space Marine then blam! Magic! He is one and now in Equestrisa.
You really need to learn t use proper paragraphs. Line breaks without being paragraph breaks should never be used.
First chapter is pretty good. Not usually a fan of crossovers but as long as they are executed well that's not really a problem.
I like reading both MLP and Warhammer 40k so maybe this will be good?
Probably.
7380026
LOL!
I know next to nothing about the Warhammer 40k universe. The only game I've played set in it is Space Marine, the third person shooter where you play as one of the Space Marines, and I've only gotten partway through the second level. Of course, I've looked around and watched stuff and read lore, but I'm not very well-versed with it. So I really have no issues with any cannon-breaks within your writing of this.
STOP, it's just the first chapter, and the fourth wall is already taking severe damage! XD
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CAP'N WE HAVE INCOMING FORTH WALL BREAKAGE! BRACE!
In fact, I'd just bet that it's for all intents and purposes the same to pre-pollution Earth (or is it Terra for you guys?).
I plead guilty!
Phew. Not a trigger-happy Marine.
I wouldn't have liked to see Fluttershy injured.
Ps. Every universe should check their teleportation devices. Kinda always ends up in EQ.
Psps. Hope He s an Ultramarine.
Those are reasonable...
Again. Given how many people land by accident in this forest, they should put welcome baskets there... Or at least put up signs!
one to talk, tiny head guy. Way to big shoulders :p
Also...
A reason he didn't shoot: saving ammo.
Not really a target he would need more than bare hands... Or a knife throw.
Until he meets Discord. GOD OF CHAOS
Is always good to see a new ... uh (update?) from this history, and like always another good chapter, good job!
9875526
Spirit of Chaos, not God, Khorne would probably turn Discord into his pet.
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Freaking ultrasmurfs...
10030709
or he would beat the absolute shit out of him either one would work.
0/10 OOC
Thus got me good xD love it^^
Oh boi HE is in for the ride xD
Huehuehue xD
Got hooked, i will read it ^^
8748536
Uh, has it been edited since you commented, or are you really objecting to the idea that he'd like to arrange to meet up with his unit, or did I miss something?
Perils of the warp, young son.
No god may live, no daemon moreso. So surely godspawn such as pterropus, would come under this? 'Twas a thought that crossed my mind. But - I ask you - would you gop to a krieger cavalryman, star him in his cold, deathly, battle-worn eyes and telll him he should be stripped of his mount? The beautiful spawn of poseidon? Nae. So why shopuld we treat Poseidon's other spawn any differently? We shan't, so the pterropus may live, in my eyes.
So left that great hulking form - my eyes could nt behold its size. Not even a great minotaur could compare to its hulking majesty. I am glad it did not cast one of its large hands my way, this amorphous being, but I do worry that I have not seeen its like before... Only time will tell of its true dispos- Who are you? Get off my frequency. Only archivists should be back here!
As I was saying, one hopes this Astartes does not make of himself a fool... his wariness is good. But that nature which brings such wariness may cause his downfall if his journey strays too far from the Emporors golden path.
Ave Imperator, David, Archivist of the post-blink collapse, out.
Seeing an Imperium soldier act anxious around Fluttershy is so funny.
Astartes with brains and humor. Sacred seed didn't broke this one.
I'm sorry but this just made me laugh out loud.
For instance:
An orc: medium threat level.
A tyranid: high threat level.
A small bird and squirrel: Moderate threat level!
"Oh no, the bird is pecking at my armor. In several thousand years it may actually penetrate if it lives that long!"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ugUTZHVPLI
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0E8LCkOXXpA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z9xMnVfg_n0
Info on the Imperium of man and the Astartes.
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Thine death is imminent foolish marine there is no escape.
"Tock tock tock tock tock...!"
*Futurama Fry squint*