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Atom: a pony gamer's story.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 3 )

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Lucefudu

Lucefudu #1 · Nov 24th, 2011 · · · Chapter 2: Gaming ·

Hmmm... This isn't bad. It needs just a few.... tweaks?
1: Try to press ENTER every now and then. Wall-o-textes are rather... boring to read. Try to separate those in some paragraphs.
2: This feels too rushed: Try to stretch it out a little (but don't overdo it either). Let us know just WHO we're dealing with here, share some of Atom's thoughts, emotions and whatnot. Give us the paint necessary to color the picture.
3: Short chapters are short. Although I tend to like them, these two can be clearly merged.
4: I know it was your best intention and everything but: Try to change the fanfic's picture and description. It robbed me of almost my entire will to read this.
5: The story. I don't know what to make of it yet, but I sure hope some twist happens... A story just about video games is... no.
6: The grammar is fine, just watch out for Typos!
7: Try to SCRIPT your story in a notepad in your PC/MAC/Whatever. Stretch out possibilities and other ideas, try to make the story complete by itself even in it's rough form. When you FEEL like you're done, THEN you start to write. Believe me: All I've written without this seventh step was a total shit.

Will not rate right now: Waiting for further chapters so I can really grasp what you're doing. But I'll sure keep an eye out for more.

Sahara