"I swear to Princess Celestia, Night Mist, if you lay one hoof on my tower I will end you!" threatened Sharp Wing.
Night Mist, a black earth pony with a silver mane didn't bother to take his golden eyes off the game board.
"That would be an interesting trick considering your army is almost gone. I think I'll ignore your threat and attack you anyway." he commented.
In desperation Sharp Wing turned to the dark red unicorn with a black mane and orange eyes sitting to his left.
"You gotta send me some reinforcements, Frazzle Spark! He's gonna take out my tower!"
"Not a chance. You violated our sacred alliance of power, glory, and bronyhood. Your tower can burn for all I care." Frazzle Spark huffed.
"If you don't help me he'll beat us both!"
"You should have thought of that before you betrayed me."
Sharp Wing opened his mouth to make a comeback when there was a knock at the door of Night Mist's log cabin.
"I'm going to see who that is." Night Mist informed the bickering ex-allies.
He rose from the table and opened the door. Nopony was there.
"Hello?" he called out.
"Down here." someone gasped.
Night Mist glanced down. bending over from exhaustion was Spike, Twilight Sparkle's little dragon assistant. Wordlessly he handed Night Mist a scroll. Night Mist snagged it between his teeth and set it on the floor so he could unroll it with his hooves.
"Is that from the Princess?" Sharp Wing asked with wide eyes.
"I'm hardly important enough to get mail from the Princess." Night Mist scoffed as he read the scroll. "But Twilight Sparkle seems to think its urgent I come to Canterlot right way."
"Getting mail from Twilight Sparkle still makes you kinda important." Frazzle Spark said defensively.
"Maybe. Are you guys free to come with me? This looks like a particularly difficult case."
"You know we are!" confirmed Sharp Wing as he flapped his gray wings in anticipation.
"Why are you needed in Canterlot?" questioned Frazzle Spark.
"Princess Celestia is sick. Very sick." explained Night Mist.
Sharp Wing stopped flapping his wings.
"Sick? Doesn't Twilight Sparkle know the difference between a doctor and a detective?" he asked in confusion.
"There's more to it than that." Night Mist clarified. "I'll explain on the train ride. We need to leave right away."
He turned his attention back to Spike.
"Thank you for getting this here so quickly."
"No problem." Spike wheezed.
Night Mist gestured with his head to signal they were all leaving.The three ponies trotted out the door.
"Remember guys, when we get back its still my turn to move." Night Mist reminded his friends with a grin as they took off at a gallop.
After making a stop at Frazzle Spark's store for him to grab his orange industrial sized saddlebags they arrived at the train station. Remarkably, the brightly colored train for Canterlot pulled in merely minutes after they arrived. Sharp Wing was about to get on board when the conductor stopped him.
"I'm sorry sir, but weapons are not permitted in the passenger cars. You'll have to leave your swords with me.Train policy."
For a moment it looked as if Sharp Wing would refuse. Reluctantly, he used his wings to remove his saddle-sheaths and give them to the conductor.
"Don't worry," smiled the conductor, "You'll get them back when you arrive in Canterlot."
Frazzle Spark stepped up next as the Conductor searched his saddlebags.
"Uh sir, your bags are full of explosives. Weapons are not permitted in the passenger cars. Train policy."
"Weapons? My bags are full of firecrackers. Firecrackers are not weapons, everypony knows that." said Frazzle Spark innocently.
"Huh. I guess technically they're not weapons. Very well, you may take them on the car."
Sharp Wing stared at the conductor in disbelief as Frazzle Spark boarded the train.
"What... why... how..." he sputtered.
Night Mist stepped forward for the conductor's inspection.
"Say, you wouldn't happen to be Night Mist the detective would you?" asked the conductor.
"Why yes, yes I am." replied Night Mist in surprise.
"You're the one who caught the burglar who robbed my house. Welcome aboard detective."
Night Mist gave the conductor a nod as he got on. Soon the train started and they were on their way.
"I cannot believe what just happened with that conductor!" Sharp Wing exclaimed.
"Neither can I, I think that's the first time sompony identified me like that." remarked Night Mist.
"I don't know why you guys are so shocked. Night Mist is the most famous detective in Equestria. It was only a matter of time before sompony recognized him in public." said Frazzle Spark.
"What? No, I was talking about how he let you bring a bag full of-"
"I am most certainly not the most famous detective in Equestria. You have a greatly inflated impression of my reputation." Night Mist insisted.
"No I don't. Everypony knows who you are." Frazzle Spark argued.
"That's ridiculous."
"I can prove it. Hey lady!"
"What are you-"
"Do you know who this guy is?"
The mare sitting on the other side of the car turned and studied Night Mist.
"Um, No. Should I?" she said slowly.
"Ha! told you I'm not famous!" Night Mist laughed in Frazzle Spark's face.
"Octavia you blockhead, that's Night Mist the detective!" said the mare's companion.
"Oh you're right! how did I not recognize him?"
"Alright alright, maybe everyone from Ponyville knows me, but I'm still not famous throughout Equestria." Night Mist relented.
"I'll prove you wrong when we reach Canterlot."
"You will not be asking complete strangers in Canterlot if they know me."
"Yes I will."
"No you won't."
"Guys!" Sharp Wing interrupted. "Didn't either of you think that conductor was really weird?"
"Weird how?" asked Frazzle Spark.
"He let you bring a bag full of-"
Sharp Wing was cut off again by the train car suddenly braking and coming to a stop. Merely seconds after that the sound of shattering glass rang through the car as several ponies wearing cowboy hats and bandannas that covered their lower faces crashed through the windows.
"This is a hold up!" shouted one of them as he snapped a bullwhip using his tail.
Every single one of them was armed with a bullwhip or lasso. Shrieks and cries filled the car as the whips and lassos snatched necklaces and other accessories off of the passengers. The tips of Sharp Wing's wings tried to wrap around the hilt of his swords before he remembered he was unarmed. Not one to be deterred by lack of weapons, he sprang at the nearest bandit and was rewarded by a lasso wrapping around his forelegs that yanked him sideways into a hard kick to the head. Sharp Wing staggered on his hooves before several more kicks to the head and body knocked him unconscious.
"Sharp Wing!" cried Frazzle Spark as his friend slumped to the ground.
"Give us the rest of your valuables and nopony else will get hurt." growled the bandit who had spoke before.
The bandits walked around the car to receive more valuables.
"Open yer saddlebags buddy." A large one said to Frazzle Spark.
Frazzle Spark complied. The bandits eyes widened when he saw the contents.
"What the hay? How in tartarus did ya smuggle a bag of dynamite onto a train?" he sputtered.
"Its not dynamite, I left all my dynamite at home. These are fireworks. The conductor said I could keep them with me." Frazzle Spark said honestly.
"Well, travel rules never did make a whole lot of sense. Whatever. Hoof them over, they might be useful."
Frazzle Spark sadly gave the bandit his prized orange saddle bags. The bandit turned his attention to Night Mist.
"Yer turn golden-eyes. Watcha got?"
"I actually don't have anything with me." Night Mist said evenly.
"Bull crap. Stand up."
Night Mist obliged. The bandit did a double take when he saw Night Mist's cutie mark, a magnifying glass.
"What the- its you!"
"Pardon?" asked Night Mist, suddenly a lot more nervous.
"Hey Boss! its that detective guy who put yer brother in jail!"
A ridiculously large bandit turned around and saw Night Mist.
"Well, what a lucky turn of events. That is him. Lets give him a bandits welcome eh colts?" he grinned evilly.
Night Mist had just enough time to gulp before several lassos tightened around his neck.
well, as far as we know Celestia (and luna) as an inmortal has eternal youth and she's inmune to "natural causes" (diseases) yet she can be murdered, so the answer could be simpler than expected
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There's a difference between immortality and invulnerability. Celestia is immortal. She never ages to a point of death, but she can still suffer from injuries and the like. Remember her battle with the Queen Chrysalis?
Explanations aside, I'm intrigued as to where this will go. Favorited to read later
A few things:
-In some spots you have 'should of'. The correct usage is 'should have' or 'should've'.
-Another thing was 'then' when you needed 'than'. 'Than' is the one you use when you are comparing objects.
-When you have one character addressing another directly, you need a comma before their name. Like so: "I swear to Princess Celestia, Night Mist,"
-You did a fairly good job of showing us how Night Mist is a super-famous detective, rather than just telling us that he is. One problem that I did see, though, is that I feel like you were hitting us over the head with it through the whole chapter. It seemed like every other scene had something to do with how famous this guy is, and that kind of got annoying after a while.
-In my opinion, this story could be benefitted by extra description and exposition. I understand that getting right into the action can work (and it does work here), but there is still room for detail. For example, there was not one iota of description about the train car, the place where most of the action takes place. You could really use that to give us, the audience, a feel for the atmosphere in the train; is it a gold-plated, luxurious, nose-in-the-air type of train ride? Or is it a gritty, dark, wild-west-desperado type? Or something else? We miss out on a good way to get into the story when detail is missing.
All in all, I shall be watching this. I want to see where you take it.
Hey! You have a knack for writing interesting taglines. I felt compelled to read, and it seems like an idea with lots of potential.
Here's a few of the things I noticed:
My first impression was that the three characters you introduced were enemies; this doesn't seem to be the case. Also, you bull rushed the readers with these characters. They're up and doing plot related things WAY too fast. I have no idea who they are or why I should care about them. Spend more time on characterization. Also, it's a good rule of thumb to never introduce multiple characters at the beginning of a story.
You made one particular grammatical error multiple times: "Hello Character 1 how are you doing?"
"I'm doing great Character 2."
Do you see it? No commas before the characters address each other. "I'm doing great, Character 2."
As is, these grammatical mistakes might draw more downvotes than your work might get otherwise.
I really appreciate the brutally honest feedback. Now I see why most people upload the chapters one at a time. I'll fix the errors you all pointed out and try to be more descriptive.
791608
No worries! I'm sure that Tom and myself weren't trying to brutalize your story, but I assume you already know that.
796465
Truly 'tis so.
yeah I knew that. what I meant was that you were both completely honest.
oh and chapter two is now here.