Chapter 1: A New Start
The citizens of Ponyville could be seen going about their day as a young pegasus slowly made her way into town. She had been on the road for quite some time, unsure at this point where she was even going at this point. Her coat was a dark midnight blue, while her mane was a bright yellow.
"Hmm, it seems like a nice town," she says to herself. "What town is this, anyway?" she wonders.
"Why you're in Ponyville of course!" a voice says behind her.
The sound made the poor pegasus jump high into the air in surprise. Turning around, she finds a bright pink pony staring at her with a wide grin on her face. "Geez, you trying to give me a heart attack?!" she asks, trying to catch her breath.
"Yeah, I tend to have that effect on ponies," she says with a shrug.
"Great, 10 minutes in and I run into the village goofball," she mutters. On the bright side, she didn't seem like a bad pony. "Sorry, I guess I'm a little on edge," she says, chuckling nervously. "I'm Bella," she tells her.
"Pinkie Pie, nice to meetcha!" she says happily. "Haven't seen you before. Are you new in town?"
"Uh, kinda. I'm just passing through. I'm looking for a place to stay the night at the moment." Bella explains.
"Oh, that's an easy one. You could try the inn over there." Pinkie tells her, pointing to it. "Ah crap, I forgot I'm needed somewhere else! Seeya around!" she tells her, disappearing in a cloud of dust.
"Uh, what the hay was that about?" Bella wonders aloud scratching her head. "What a strange pony," she says, heading into the inn.
As she walked in, no one seemed to be there. "Uh, hello? anypony home?" she called out.
"I'm coming, I'm coming! Hold yer horses!" comes a voice from the next room. In walks a gruff-looking pony, seeming to want to be anywhere but there at that moment. "Whaddya want?" he asks grumpily.
"Geez, are you always this pleasant? Or did you decide to be in an especially bad mood for today?" Bella thinks to herself. Part of her wanted to give him a serious piece of her mind, but it had already been a long day. Frankly, she just wanted to collapse in bed. "I was hoping to get a room for the night," she tells him.
"Going rate's 5 bits a night."
Bella reaches into her bag, feeling around. Before long, she pulls out 4 bits. "Crud, I'm a little short. Look, it's been a long day, is there any way I can just pay you the last bit later?" she asks.
"Sorry, no exceptions. What guarantee do I have you'll even pay me back?"
As much as she wanted to give him a piece of her mind, he did have a point. "Ok, sorry to bother you." She says with a sigh, taking her bits before starting to leave. As she reached to open the door, it suddenly flung open, knocking her on her back.
"Oh crap, I'm sorry! I was just running late, I didn't see you there!" She could hear a voice saying.
Bella shakes her head in a daze, looking up at the source of the voice. Standing above her was a young grey pegasus with a blonde mane. "Uh, it's fine really. Just doesn't seem to be my day," she says, shakily standing up.
"You're sure? I can be a bit of a klutz." Her new acquaintance asks rubbing the back of her head a bit embarrassedly.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Name's Bella, what's yours?" she asks.
"Well, I'm Derpy. I haven't seen you in town before," she says with a smile.
"I'm just passing through. I'm looking for a place to stay the night. Unfortunately, I'm a little short on bits for the inn." Bella explains.
"Oh, well I can let you stay at my place! We could get to know each other a bit better, and I can make sure you have a safe place to stay." Derpy says happily.
"Really? You'd do that for somepony you only just met? I don't want to impose." Bella says.
"Nah, it's fine. Besides, it's the least I can do." Derpy says.
Bella did have her reservations, but what choice did she have? "OK, I'll take you up on that offer. Thanks," she tells her.
"Great, I'll lead the way," she tells her. She started to leave but then perked up. "Oh, right! Almost forgot!" She says, taking a small package out of her bag and giving it to the owner of the inn.
The two made their way out of the inn, heading towards the other side of town. "So, you're a traveler?" Derpy asks.
"Yeah, something like that. I'm more of a nomad. I don't plan on staying in town long." Bella says.
"Oh, why's that? Not a fan of the townsfolk?"
"No, the ponies here seem nice, most of them anyone. I'm just looking for somepony."
"Hmm, ok. Who is it you're looking for?"
"A friend of mine went missing some time ago. I've been trying to find him ever since." Bella says.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I honestly hope you find him."
Bella looks to Derpy, seeing genuine concern in her eyes. It made her feel better than any other pony she had run into so far.
They eventually reach a small house at the edge of town. "Home sweet home," Derpy says, letting Bella in. "Make yourself comfortable, I'll start up dinner."
As she walked in, she looked around. It was a pretty homey-looking place, with a bunch of different pictures lining the wall. Bella had been so used to either staying at inns or camping out, it was rather nice being in an actual home.
"Here we go," Derpy says, setting down a plate on a nearby table.
"Oh, thanks," Bella says, taking a seat. She takes a bite, the taste making her eyes light up. She had never tasted anything like it! "This is good! Where did you learn to make this?" she asks.
Derpy chuckles nervously, rubbing the back of her head. "Well, it's a bit of a family recipe. My parents always made it for me when I was little."
"Huh, that's neat," Bella says, eating more of the food.
Derpy looks at her, noticing something. "Hmm, you're kind of dirty. How about a quick bath?"
"Oh, that would be nice," Bella tells her, finishing up the rest of her food.
"I'll see if I can get the water going," Derpy says, heading upstairs.
Bella watches her, flinching a bit as she nurses an old wound. "Damn injury's acting up aga-" she starts, a green flame suddenly engulfing her as she reverts to her true form, a young changeling.
"Crap, not again." Bella curses to herself as she disguises herself again. Ever since she'd gotten that injury, her disguise had a bad tendency to drop randomly. Thankfully, Derpy hadn't been in the room to see it. The last thing she wanted was to freak out her new friend.
After a few moments, Derpy returns. "Ok, bath's ready. You can use the bathroom down the hall," she tells Bella.
Bella nods, making her way into the bathroom, and closing the door behind her. She eases herself into the tub, getting comfortable. As she gets in, she lets out a sigh of relief.
"I've been on the road for so long, it feels great to have a warm bath." she thinks to herself, laying back and relaxing. The bath felt so nice, that she can't help but drift off the sleep.
Her sleep was restless as her recurring nightmares came flooding back. She was taken back to the attack on Canterlot, a battle she was forced to fight in. That was the last time she saw her friend before he went missing.
"But your majesty, he must be out there somewhere, if you could just let me search for him..." Bella pleaded with tears streaming down her face. The queen, however, refused to listen.
"Our hive has been severely weakened after that fiasco. We cannot afford to spare any resources to search for one individual," the queen said coldly.
Bella's heart sank as she realized that her pleas fell on deaf ears. "Fine, let me go search for him alone then. I'll find him."
"Give it up, he's likely long gone. What chance would he have to survive out there on his own?" the Queen asked coldly.
"I don't care, Bella replied defiantly, her voice filled with determination. "He's my friend, and I won't abandon him!"
"Fine, but if you set 1 hoof out of this hive, don't bother coming back." The queen's words echoed in Bella's mind as she woke up from her nightmare, her body trembling with a mixture of fear and determination.
"Damn you, Chrysalis. I WILL find him, I swear it." She says to herself.
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Nice story, I hope you continue it
9515483
Thanks, I'll do my best. If it does well, I may consider a prequel with her early days in Ponyville.
I just got an idea, perhaps for some reason Bella has trouble changing into a reformed changelings, could be interesting, what are your thoughts
9515510
Thanks for the input, I may just go with it. I'm always open to suggestions. I will try to get a new chapter out each month.
Alright got it, good luck
Ok, to give people an idea how our whole editing process'll work: I create a rough draft of the chapter, basicly an outline of how things'll go. I create the dialogue to the best of my ability, which lets be honest, isn't that good if you've seen my other stories. I then send it to him, he makes some tweaks, adds more detail, helps things flow better. To give an example: Chrysalis' speech is like 50-75% my work, word for word. The dialogue itself is mostly mine, but he changed the wording slightly and added extra details to give it more flair. Which I think turned out even better thanks to him. Another example, the first chapter was barely over 1000 words in the first draft. When he was done with it, it was nearly 2000.
Oops.
Guess Thorax doesn't know his new strength yet. That might make things a little awkward when she wakes up. Great story so far; I'm looking forward to chapter 2. I'm also writing a story about a changeling. It takes place a few weeks after the invasion of Canterlot. If you get a chance to read it, let me know what you think.
9524973
Yeah, my new editor added that bit in, I may run with it. Sounds cool, I'll check it out. I should have a rough draft to send my editor by the start of next month.
So, I’m a little unsure what to say. This might be an interesting story of how a changeling could survive without her hive (with some romance bits thrown in), or so it seems. To put it simply, the chapter is very hard to follow. Its pace is too fast to allow the reader to enjoy the story, then you inconsistently jump between past and present tenses (use just one) and the way especially the beginning sounds seems as if you cannot decide for whom this story is supposed to be. People who have never seen the show and need lots of exposition or regular fans?
It is great to see you have sought the help of an editor, though while they may be good in certain field of editing, there are apparently other issues they omit. Which is possible, some editors focus only on certain aspects of the story. I believe you both are working really hard on this, just know that there are certain aspects that still need polishing. I apologize for sounding so negative, but I cannot sugarcoat this with good conscience.
9526106
No worries. It's certainly more constructive than some criticism I've gotten in the past. I'll admit the beginning's a little exposition heavy, more my editor's doing than mine. I'll see if we can streamline it a bit in the future.
9526174
I’m looking forward to what you can come up with! Oh, and should you need any advice, feel free to contact me. I have over fifty fully edited stories under my belt, so I think I can say I have some experience.
9526195
Thanks, I'll keep it in mind.
So, I happened to notice that you were a newer member of the Authors Helping Authors group and on a whim decided, what the heck, let's check out their latest story. And here I am!
This story seems like it has the potential to be pretty good if handled carefully. I like the premise so far. Now, I'm looking through the comments and see that you don't think you're a very good writer, and have an editor cleaning it up for you. Let's look at the story and see if we can give you some pointers at improving your craft, shall we?
First off, what the hay is this? Are you actually talking to me right now? Well, I didn't ask why so this came across as very silly. This opening paragraph is a prime example of what I want to talk about.
When you start a story, the single most important thing you need to decide is who's POV the story will be, and then sticking with it throughout the entire story. Never should it feel like the narrator is talking to the audience, it all needs to be told through your POV character's eyes, thoughts, and emotions. It gets very confusing toward the end of the first section because the POV jumps between all three characters. I think that's what EverfreePony means when they say that the story is hard to follow. Yes, it is a bit fast paced, but it's the POV jumping that makes it jarring. Pick one character (in my opinion, Thorax is the best choice), and then focus on telling the story from his point of view, and only his. If you want Bella to be shocked at seeing him, then you have to convey that through facial expression and body language. If you start doing this, you will find that the story will change dramatically, and the added details you will be including will help ease the fast pacing of the story. I hope that this helps, and that you will consider re-writing this with a set POV in mind, as it will help not only this chapter, but future chapters as well.
9526106 I just felt the need to point out that the author has written this story in present tense, which is fine (it annoys me personally, but there's nothing actually wrong with it). The part that is in the past tense is the first paragraph, which I've already stated above desperately needs to be re-worked. And this:
This is all talking about the past, so it's fine for it to be in past tense. With the exception of this paragraph, the whole story is in present tense, so I'd say that the story's tense is perfectly fine. I agree with all your other points, however, and hope that the author will take the time to fix this. If they do, I'll definitely follow this story.
9602351
Greetings, it is always nice to meet a fellow person willing to sacrifice his free time to help others. However, I feel the need to say a few things. First and foremost, the problematic tenses.
Even the part you have quoted jumps to present tense in one spot. And furthermore, if you just skim through the chapter, you can find many more bits in past tense scattered here and there. Here are a few examples that I’ve managed to find in just a few minutes. Past tense is in bold.
Now, some of these might be a little dubious, notably the could/couldn’t bits, but another few are clear as day. I agree that present tense is the dominant one in this story, but the mixed up tenses are really an issue that spans the whole chapter and needs to be dealt with.
And now on to the POV and narrator bits.
Actually, the POV of the chapter is fine. Many spots make it clear that this story is told from the third person point of view of an omniscient narrator that’s not a character in the story. In other words, not every POV is bound to be told from the viewpoint of a character. Furthermore, Misty Dolphin seems to have avoided mixing focus on individual characters in individual paragraphs, which might be considered a POV issue otherwise. So, all good here.
Never say never is a good rule of thumb here, especially when giving advice. The narrator interacting with the reader is a trope that has been used for a few centuries now and, if done correctly, it can help immerse the reader in the story. However, it cannot be done in every story and also has to be done more than once in the story for it to really work. And that’s where the issue of this story lies.
I really appreciate the fact that you took your time to help a stranger, and I’m sure the author will be glad as well. You are throwing darts in the right direction with your advice, but... well, not all of them have managed to hit the target as of yet. Should you want to talk more about anything writing-wise, I’ll gladly partake in that discussion. Haven’t met someone more familiar with the craft’s finer technical details in a while
9602351
I appreciate the input. As stated before, I'm not all that good at going into much detail. Most of it is from my editor's work. Trust me, you don't even want to know how bad chapter 1 was before my editor literally came to me out of nowhere. Anyone who read the earliest version can atest to that. XD
I'll see what I can do, but with my original editor MIA, and trying to work things out with my new one to get chapter 2 out, it may take some time.
9602484
Nice to have someone seeing the positives.
There is a 'g' missing at the end of Black changelin.