• Published 12th Mar 2016
  • 4,289 Views, 53 Comments

It Feels... Wrong. - pertelote345



Transitioning was the best thing Caramel ever did for herself and her boyfriend was completely supportive... But since she transitioned, something feels off about their relationship.

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It's not you, it's what the world tells you.

Thunderlane gave me a nuzzle as he lead me out of the snow into the warmth of the restaurant. He smiled at me. "Here babe, let me grab your coat."

He helped me out of it. I tried my best to smile. The tragic part was that he was genuinely trying to cheer me up.

He's a good stallion, he's a good stallion...

Maybe if I repeated it to myself often enough it would sink in. The worst part was, it was true. By any definition of the word he was a perfect gentleman. He didn't even think of leaving when I told him I wanted to be a girl, he told me he'd always love me no matter what.

He'd done so much for me over the past few months. He'd comforted me, he'd stood up for me when people said mean ignorant things, he'd opened doors for me, he'd even started opening jars for me when the estrogen affected my muscles...

It hadn't affected them that much honestly, but he still opened all my jars after he caught me shaking an ache out of a hoof. Once. He was so... considerate. Wasn't he?

But I wasn't happy. Oh and he knew it, the bastard, he knew it and he became even nicer because of it. He bought me flowers, he bought me jewelry. I liked both those things. Why did they make me want to puke?

And now here we were, sitting at my favorite Prench restaurant that cost two good hooves to even get a reservation for where he was treating me to a lovely meal and waiting on me hand and foot.

He pulled out a chair for me and I flinched. He noticed it. He looked tense.

But he kept smiling. He was always, bucking, smiling...

I sat down and we opened our menus, looking anywhere but at each other. The silence was palpable. We placed our orders and still we said nothing.

"I'm sorry..." he said finally.

I frowned. He meant it, he really did... Even if he didn't know what he was sorry for. I forced a smile, again. "Sweetie, it's okay. You haven't done anything wrong."

He actually hadn't. That was the dumb part.

"I don't buy that." He said. He looked sad, almost... annoyed.

For some reason it was the most attractive he'd seemed in weeks.

We were interrupted by our waiter coming with our salads. He placed them down with a flourish. I caught him paying special attention to me. Why wouldn't he? He was straight (presumably), and hormones and magic had done wonders for me. I was beautiful, every inch an impressive specimen. I used to meet my face in the mirror with a sigh at best. Now I loved catching glimpses. I loved the new me, he clearly did too. We had similar tastes...

So why did I want to beat his face in until he didn't have any teeth left?

He left, noticing nothing. The love of my life on the other hand, could read me like a book. "Okay did he spit in your salad or something?" He asked.

I sighed. "No, he was perfect, just perfect..." I reached for the pepper grinder.

My coltfriend was faster, picking it up and wandering over to my salad. "Here, let me-"

I snatched the stupid thing out of his grubby hooves and snarled at him. "NO! No, you bucking don't! Back. Off!"

He stepped back, a look of horror on his face. "I... I was just trying to-"

I got right in his face. "To what? It's a bucking pepper grinder Thunderlane! What? Am I too weak to break a pepper corn? Did I suddenly forget how to feed myself?"

He looked completely lost. His big, beautiful eyes had no idea what to make of this, what to make of me.

Ponies were starting to stare. I didn't care. I threw down the grinder and galloped out, full tilt. I charged into the snow and ran... And ran... And ran...

#

I have no idea how long I was running. All I knew was that when I stopped I was so exhausted I could barely breathe.

I was in an apple orchard. Sweet Apple Acres maybe. Didn't know, didn't care.

I was hot, scorching hot. You could literally see steam coming off of me.

I sat down against a tree trunk, plopping right into the snow. I was crying. When had I started crying?

"CARAMEL!" Came the last voice I wanted to hear. I grit my teeth. I would have bolted if I had enough energy to move.

The black stallion burst through the trees, looking completely terrified. "Caramel thank Celestia I found you!"

I snorted. "What do you want?" I snapped.

Thunderlane's eye twitched. "I wanted to give you your coat." He said holding out the garment. "You know, that thing you left in the restaurant? That thing that stops you from freezing to death in the snow? This thing?"

I rolled my eyes. "That's great sweetie, why don't you put it on for me? Maybe then you can carry me home and wipe my ass when I need to use the toilet, won't that be great?"

Something snapped in the pegasus. "Okay Caramel, what the buck is going on? I have been a stars damned saint here! I have been working my flank off for you and you've just been acting like a... a..."

I snarled at him, narrowing my eyes. "Go on, say it."

"A BITCH!" He shouted. "You have been acting like a complete and total bitch."

Somehow, I got up. "Oh, so I'm a bitch now? Not a jerk, not an asshole, not some nasty motherbucker, but a bitch. Well maybe I'm a bitch because you've been treating me like one."

He stomped his hooves. "Oh come on! In what universe have I been anything but wonderful to you! You went through something huge and I did everything I could to make you feel better! I treated you like the best mare on the planet! I bucking worshiped you!"

The tears came back. "Thunderlane, I don't want to be worshiped, okay?"

That gave him pause. He stared at me, his wings falling. "What? What are you talking about?"

I grabbed his head and turned his eyes to mine. "Thunderlane, for Celestia's sake, look at me. Look at my eyes, they haven't changed! I'm exactly the same person you fell in love with. I nailed my horse shoes on crooked, I ate six burritos and farted the house up, I told you about the time I punched a vase because it was in the wrong place after I saw that creepy movie. I am a stupid, disorganized mess and I am the pony you laughed at and fell in love with."

I looked down at the frozen earth. "But now... It's like you think I'm some sort of different person or something. Whenever I tripped on something before you used to roll your eyes before picking me up with a snort, and now you run over to me asking if you need to fly me to the emergency room... You don't treat me like a pony any more. I'm just something you need to take care of."

He took a step towards me, holding out a hoof. "Cara..."

I turned away, putting a hoof on a tree to steady myself. "I knew it would happen a little... They always talk about losing 'stallion's privilege' or whatever. I knew people were going to be dicks because they knew I was a mare now, but... I never thought you would be one of them. When we were 'that gay couple' it was us against the world. The other ponies didn't know what to make of us, but who cared? We could handle anything so long as we were together. We were badass, we were strong!"

I let out a cold, cold breath. "And now it's all over. Now we're not together anymore. We're not partners. I'm just some fragile toy to you..."

Silence. For what felt an eternity we just sat there, letting the reality sink in.

Then he threw a snowball at me.

I flinched. I threw up my hooves. "What the buck was that!?"

He threw another one. He looked deathly serious.

I stared at him. "What the flipping buck Thunder!? What are you-?"

He threw a third, then a fourth. I ducked behind the damn tree to stop the icy shit from getting all over me. I snarled and threw a wad of snow back, hard. It smacked him right between the eyes, right in his stupid mohawk.

He shook it off, then kept throwing. I matched him. We pounded snow at eachother, covering ourselves in frozen, spattered white as we howled in rage...

I don't know how long we kept it up, screaming and pummeling ice into our coats... All I know is at some point we were both breathing heavy and looked like we were about to fall over.

Thunderlane panted at me. "You... You had enough you spoiled pansy?" He stumbled trying to roll another ball.

I weakly tossed a half formed clump of snow. It went wide. "I'm... I'm just getting started dickwad."

He spat at the ground. "Yeah right, L-like you... like you could step to me...."

I felt one of my legs buckle. I forced myself back up. "You... you're a son of a bitch you know?"

He growled. "Well you're an asshole."

I grit my teeth. "You would know diaper wipe!"

"Motherfucker!"

"Shit for brains!"

"Bastard!"

I charged him and started furiously kissing him. We tumbled onto the ground and I made damn sure I stayed on top. We made the most screwed up snow angel ever as we thrashed and wrestled...

Finally I rolled off him. We stared up at the stars, panting.

I coughed out a lump of phlegm and frozen air. "Right... You get the message?"

He wheezed and smirked. "Yeah, I get it. Even if you've got a pussy, y'all are still an asshole."

I snorted. "And don't you forget it."

He forced himself up, groaning at the strain. He looked down at me. "Well? Are you just going to lie there forever?"

I rolled on to my stomach. Every fiber of my being burned in pain. I'd pulled every muscle in my body and all I wanted to do was lay down and die.

Instead I got to my knees, then my hooves.

My coltfriend smiled. "We going home then?"

I nodded, my lips curling up. "Yeah, let's do that."

He snorted, turning around. "Okay then. Try to keep up."

He started moving forward with a shaky, broken gait. I managed one about as graceful and pressed into his side. "Need to prop you up a bit there champ." I said haughtilly.

He rolled his eyes, "Sure it's not the other way around?"

"Bite me."

"Already did."

"I love you."

"I love you too..."

And then we went home, together.

Comments ( 52 )

In spite of everything, they're still kind of adorable. :twilightsmile:

7023080
Of course, why wouldn't they be? :pinkiehappy:

I like it.
Its an aspect of transitioning that rarely gets discussed or attention. Especially since acceptance and transition is often treated as the holy grail of the issue. But it often has its own issues and consequences.
Also: Those two are a pretty cute couple. Kudos

I loved it! It's really not a topic that gets discussed a lot and this really helped me. :twilightsmile: This was a really good story. I loved it and will definatly reccommend it because I know I'll be reading it for a long time over and over!:twilightsmile:

#relationshipgoals

This was nice. Sweet, kinda thought-provoking. I don't think I've actually read anything like this before. Well done.

Awesome, definitely a part of transition that gets overlooked. A great short story.

terrific story! :)

Wow ...
This is really good. I had noticed there are little ways I'm treated differently when I pass as a young man with strangers, but they're mostly positive. When I looked like a girl and guys would bump me by accident or something, they always got really worried like I was hurt or like I was going to be mad at them, and that pissed me off more than the accident itself. Now though, they just say 'Sorry, buddy.' and keep moving. Infinitely better.
But I've never been privy to what it feels like to go the other direction. I can't speak to what it might feel like when your partner's treating you differently. I've never been in that situation. But then, that's what this is for. This is one of the things I love about fiction: the ability to consider a viewpoint you'd otherwise never be able to.
And, just for plain old story purposes, I loved how this was written. You kept it tight; I never felt like anything was going on longer than it needed to. I got exactly how Caramel felt, and I understood why both ponies felt the way they did. And it was so, so sweet at the end there.

Loved it, so cute towards the end :yay:

7023426

It is a very different situation. I will say that people are less scared of you when you go mtf. That can be a good and bad thing.

7023114
7023170
7023189

Yeah, being MTF and passing also means putting up with all the sanctimonious crap cis ladies have to deal with. It's a rough situation and makes you really reconsider things.

7023946
It does and, I'm not trans but I came out as Bi a few months back but this was something I could relate to

Have you considered going into original fiction yet? Because this needs a bigger audience than just this one fandom. I loved it.

7024082

I have a few original stories, but I like to do pony stuff to hone my skills and get actual feedback.

So much dang laughing.. I choked like 7 times xP

Could this be a new ship?:raritystarry:

"They always talk about losing 'stallion's privilege' or whatever. I knew people were going to be dicks because they knew I was a mare now, but... I never thought you would be one of them. "

Here's a line that stuck out like a sore thumb.

I get the idea, I really do, and it's a good idea, but this line here just tried to apply too broad a stroke to "society" in its attempt to get the idea across. Maybe this is nitpicking but the story would've honestly been a whole lot better without this line. This is what turns it from a personal conflict between a Transgendered mare and her coltfriend into an accusatory finger at society as a while, and the story didn't need it. And when applying these broad strokes the story, like many people in the real world, fails to realize that men behave that way towards women partly because they've been trained to rather than because they view women as "inferior objects". It wasn't that long ago where treating a woman that way was so "expected" of a man that he would be looked down on by society for NOT doing it. It's been maybe 30 or 40 years since that started phasing out (if not less), and as I think should be obvious, society takes a LONG time to accept change. Young boys today are still being taught by their parents from that era to behave that way.

I dig the message, I like the conflict, I think it was really good despite needing another editing pass. But it could've benefited from either having a tighter focus on JUST these two, or at least making an attempt to explain WHY those different points of view existed instead of basically painting him as being a blind insensitive jerk.

I really loved this scenario~ Well written! :heart:

7025032

I have to sit down and think about this one for a second.

I get where you're coming from, blaming society for the poor actions of one pony is pretty dumb. However, the situation is more complex than that.

Think about the line for a moment:

"They always talk about losing 'stallion's privilege' or whatever. I knew people were going to be dicks because they knew I was a mare now, but... I never thought you would be one of them. "

Now, this story is in first person, and I never promised you a perfectly reliable narrator. Caramel is more than a little upset when she says that line. I'm sure if she had time to cool down and think about it Caramel would be like "well, some people might be dicks, but some people won't". But here she's scared, scared and lashing out at everything because she doesn't know how to assert herself in a world where anyone treats her like she isn't an equal just because of her gender. It doesn't matter that the entire world isn't doing it, some ponies will, and that scares her and makes her suspicious of all the rest.

But let's move on to Thunderlane for a second. You say that he comes off as totally clueless, but I never meant to write him as such. Yes, he does some sanctimonious, babying things to the pony he loves, but he's doing it because he knows she's had a rough time and... Well, a lot of stallions are told it's nice to hold open the door for a lady. The details are of course more complicated, but this story is about him trying to figure out where he's going wrong. One of the first things he does is apologize to Caramel. He knows he's mixed up, but he's still working out the details.

Caramel is hurt and over reacting, but perceptive in a way. Thunderlane is confused and scared, but caring. Neither is perfect, but if they both put in the effort maybe they can be perfect for each other.

That was fun. The whole "losing stallion privilege" line was a little too blunt and message-fic-y, but aside from that...

Wanderer D
Moderator

That was an interesting read, thanks for sharing it!

This is one of the better fics I've read that tries to tackle an issue with society, and I really do enjoy the way it's done. So many message-fics make that message the whole focus of the story, whereas this one devotes more time to character development and the personal aspect of things. Aside from one slightly preachy line about "losing stallions' privilege", it's very subtle and personal. Very well done.

:raritystarry: :raritystarry: :raritystarry: hohmigawd this fic is the loveliest you are the best please write more :heart: Caramel and Thunderlane and their feelings and actions feel so, so real; I commend you! I wanna point out a couple of typos, if you care to see them:

Thunderlane gave me a nuzzle as he lead me out of the snow into the warmth of the restaurant.

"Lead" should be "led".

"CARAMEL!" Came the last voice I wanted to hear.

"Came" should be lowercase.

And I'd change "gentleman", "person", and "people" to "gentlecolt", "pony", and "ponies", if you asked me.

I have to say, this is probably one of the best fanfictions I have ever read. The whole "facing a problem society faces constantly" role, I feel, is always put into an amazing role on this site, but you have done it in a casual, laid-back way that makes it feel like I am reading the middle of a novel instead of a short story, and I have to say that you did an amazing job with it. The way you apply this prompt makes it feel less like a story about that, and instead just a casual day in these two's lives. Frankly, all the cussing and stuff made this feel really natural, but made me embarrassed as I was reading this in the dining room around my family, though I guess that just strengthens the way you wrote this masterpiece. Again, absolutely amazing job, and I can't wait to see more from you.

Short, sweet, says what it wants to say and doesn't overstay its welcome.

Too many fics with a good message just drag on and on and try to make themselves a sweeping epic of social justice. The perfect balance of length and significance earns you one tipped hat from me.

What?
What
what
wat
wut
wot

In all honesty, this was very interesting. Glad I took the time to read this. -Dr. Tex


A tightly knit story packing a hefty punch. I'm going to describe it as..."viciously poignant." You had me very worried for a moment there, but - it came to a positive resolution, thankfully. You achieved a lot in two thousand words!

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Just for my two cents, I have to say that relationships are never simple. They're complicated and difficult, and they're always about the partnership of two people, not slotting yourselves into some standard roles, whatever they may be. What works for Caramel and Thunderlane may not work for you, and that's okay. All that matters is that it works for them and that you respect that.

Also I'd like to point out your favorite pony is a lesbian, so keep an open mind :).

7059410

You do realize calling us 'homos' isn't considered very nice right? Also you're speaking to a trans chick, so if you have any questions you'd like to ask me that would dispel the weirdness, ask away.

This is great! Nice fic.

I wrote a critique/review of this story; it can be found over here.

It's not you, it's what the world tells you.

it hurts

Okay.. I really enjoyed this. I can totally see this being an issue.
I actually strive in all my relationships with boyfriends or girlfriends even to my family and friends to avoid only seeing things my way.
This one way perspective is such a scary thought.. Like the way you wrote about how Caramel feels... I understand that it's really, really important. This is what I Meant about my above comment.
I literally strive to make sure I think through how the other person may feel. It may not seem that important to some people but it actually can and does alleviate a lot of the frustration for me at least. Espeicially if you sit down and talk to the person about it. Show them examples of your issue and how it's affecting you daily. If I were Thunderlane I would have given up and fallen right back into depression from being unable to be good enough to make her happy.
At the same time, my background is based on a fairly abusive marriage where I am too afraid to confront my partner.. Different story..
Just to be very clear.. I am by no means saying I am better than anyone. It just brings me peace being able to process things like this and avoid a lot of confrontation..
To put the cherry on top, this doesn't seem to actually help if you can't convey your thought processes properly. So if you know that feels then feel free to say something below..
I am a bisexual male and would like to say I identify as female but can't for reasons. I am looking to transition to female one day in the future, that's if I can get out of this marriage... One day..

Tl;dr: I enjoyed the story, it sounds like such a real (like, irl) misunderstanding..

P.S. Im really sorry.. I talked too long and too much... I just had to say things.. I almost deleted all this about 4 times throughout.. So... If you don't agree with what I said .. Ill delete it.. It's stupid.. Sorry.

7155111

It's okay. I know I'm late to the party on this one, but please feel free to PM me if you need anything. It sounds like a rough situation.

Not sure what I expected, but this was really cute! (I think I have a new favourite background character ;u;)

wow. just... wow.

i'm trying to transition myself (going to a GP tomorrow to hopefully get two physicists who will then give me the okay to start my own Hormone Therapy) and this is something i hadn't considered. I'll now be sure to make sure i don't end up having to deal with what poor Caramel did here.

This was a touching story to boot and i just loved it. it really spoke out to me. Just a shame we transgenders don't have magic to rely on. would make things a lot easier, i'm sure

I love the story, and I love how the minute you use the word "privilege," all the people who have it go on the defensive.

This was cute.

7023113 As a transgender myself, I love this.

7023426 Hey you!

7538028 Well, you're the last person I expected to find here.

7581274 Hey yourself! Glad to see renewed interest in this story with its inclusion in the LGBT group; it really deserves it.

7581281

:heart:

Speaking of, how's chapter 2 of the Artemis story coming?

I've always said that that had potential of being the best of LGBT fics.

Trans stories are probably the most fascinating to me. I have friends who are trans and I can't help but have sympathy for them *being bi and all*.

7581283

Speaking of, how's chapter 2 of the Artemis story coming?
I've always said that that had potential of being the best of LGBT fics.

Oh wow ... really?! That's really high praise ...
The answer is ... it's coming along unevenly. I have later chapters written that I feel a LOT better about, but chapter 2 continues to come out amateurish and stupid despite being on my (fourth? I don't bucking know) rewrite. I've never been any good at writing linearly or keeping the whole narrative in mind; I prefer to write my favourite parts and then string them together later. It doesn't make for great stories nor is it very professional, but it's the fun way to write for me.
That said. I plan on forcing that damned second chapter out by the end of the month, because by now I've figured out that I'm simply not going to like it as much as the rest; what's important is getting out what needs to happen there so I can move on to the better part of the story without the reader getting confused. I'm still going to try to make it good, of course, but I'm not going to like it. But that's writing fiction, it happens sometimes.

Wow. Lots of power in a little over two thousand words.

Great job.

I read this when it was published, almost two year ago now, and back then I thought it was a nice, heartwarming little story, even if the crux of the plot took a small thing, like being treated differently after transitioning, and blew it out of proportion to make a good story, as writers are wont to do.

Two years later, deep into my own transition? Oh my god, the struggle is real. Even if I am the type of girl that's "one of the guys" and would never touch a yellow sundress with a 10-foot pole - which, yeah, like this story says, was a complete and total pain to convince people of - people still treat me like I'm some below-their-league little kid that couldn't possibly know what I'm talking about. It's infuriating. I could be talking to someone that knows nothing about the discussion subject compared to me, and he'd still second-guess almost every little thing I say.

So, after seeing this story in a completely new light, I've gotta say, it's great and amazing and manages to articulate an experience that a lot of people would never otherwise even know exists. Even just for that reason alone, I'd recommend it to anyone. Great work~ :twilightsmile:

So this was sweet, and insightful as all hell.

The kund of story I wish more people read and discussed about.

I come from a very different angle and I could still relate to it.

Then he threw a snowball at me.

Best line!

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