• Member Since 4th Feb, 2016
  • offline last seen May 13th

Given Chance


I am here to post my ideas and I believe everyone should be able to express there ideas.

T

I miss my mom she disappeared for a long time and I waited a long while for her to show up...

Chapters (10)
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Comments ( 6 )

Nice story I am excited for more

Some good ideas here, but you could do with a proofread for grammar and punctuation; you're missing a number of apostrophes and commas which make your meaning hard to glean.

For example:

We hugged but once mother left I started bouncing in joy birthday with mother yay. "I will wait for you mother and your return..."

needs to be broken up so it looks more like:

We hugged, but once mother left I started bouncing in joy. Birthday with mother? Yay!

'I will wait for you, mother, and your return...'

I would also put some of the character's internal thoughts in italics (like the last line) to make them clearer to identify. Lastly, I'm not sure the whole thee and thou thing really fits, especially after having a glance over the next chapter, it just feels a bit forced and makes it much more confusing (given both thee, thy and thou all refer to the third person).

You might also want to include some more background information to guide your reader about the images you want to get across; where and when is this? What does the child look like? What does the mother look like? This sort of stuff doesn't have to be explicit (e.g. My mother was an earth pony and had a green coat. It was night time and dark.), but you could just slip in bits here and there (e.g. the candlelight played across her face, casting shadows across her faded green coat.)

My suggestion would be to find a good proof reader to give grammar tips, and just to try and add a bit more detail every time you write.

7087733 Thanks for the help I'll make sure to work on it.

An interesting premise; quite a few mistakes, however, but they don't detract from the overall flow of the story too much. Good job!

7087883
if my oc was in this story I would become cadence's friend

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