Chapter 6: What will you give up?
Snowy stared at the ground, his eyes focused on the little specks of dirt there. His mother was sitting in the chair next to him, the two waiting patiently for him to be called back.
Well, his mother was waiting patiently. Snowy had a big orb of anxiety in the pit of his stomach. He'd been dreading and hoping this wouldn't come to pass, but once again it did. How they'd gotten an appointment so quickly, he'd never know. But here he was.
Therapy. With Dr. Toughlove.
The door opened. “Snowy Skies? The doctor will see you now.”
He groaned and momentarily considered fleeing the scene. It was no use, though. He knew that. He hung his head and made his way back to the room, each step feeling as if he was walking closer to the gallows.
It wasn't that he hated therapy, in fact he'd had quite a few delightful therapists over the years. Some of which, without, he would have probably given up on being happy. The problem was, the moment they started to support Snowy's behavior, a new one was found. Toughlove had been suggested by a friend of his mom. He didn't know which one, but he despised her and he despised Toughlove.
The mare was sitting behind her desk in a small, cramped room. Snowy sat down in the chair opposite her. It had a weird, plastic coating that always stuck to his coat and made him fidget with discomfort, especially when it got too hot and he had to move around to try to avoid the heat pocket.
Toughlove hummed a little as she looked down, her off gray coat mixing with the same colored walls, her black mane tied into a tight bun. “So, Snowy. It has been a few months since our last session.”
“Yes,” the stallion said softly.
“Your mother has kept in contact with me, however. Informed me of their... decision to humor your mental disorder.”
He merely nodded.
“I always told you that you were a smart child, all you needed to do was apply yourself. Your grades are proof of that.”
He kept nodding, he knew what was coming.
“You just need to stop holding yourself back with your little fetish.”
“It's not a... fetish. I am a mare,” he said softly.
“Snowy, you're not a mare. I'm a mare. Your mother is a mare. Your sister is a mare. You are a very confused stallion who requires medical aid. Your case is not the first of its kind, and it's not the last. You just need to stop fighting us and let us help you.”
“I... I am a mare,” he said softly.
“Really?” Toughlove said with a cocked eye before pulling out a small letter. “Suspended from school for fighting? That doesn't sound like a very mare-like quality.”
“I... I was defending myself.”
“A mare wouldn't have fought, she would have used her words to escape the situation, or fled. She wouldn't have tried to fight them. That is what stallions do.”
He kept his eyes lowered, but didn't speak up.
“Snowy, you could have a bright future ahead of yourself, but you need to abandon this pretext. All you're doing is hurting yourself with your delusions. You are a stallion. That is basic anatomy. No pony can look at you and possibly think you're a mare, no matter how much you try to trick them.”
He closed his eyes. “I... I am. I've gotten better, I-I've learned how to put my make up on and... and my voice is getting better, and I--”
“And how many fights have you been in? Think back to your school, are you really happy there, flaunting around this sickness?”
He nodded slowly. “Yes. I am. I'm more myself than I've ever been.”
“Snowy. You need to stop fighting this. I'm on your side, truly. I don't want to hurt you, but this is what you need to hear. You are not a mare. You will never be a mare. You are a stallion. A confused one, but a stallion. If you tried, you could be a cute one and if you really wanted to, perhaps find a nice mare friend.” She paused for a moment. “If your desires to be a mare are just because of that, I assure you as a stallion you have a far higher chance.”
“I don't want a mare friend! I want to be a... I am a mare,” he said, looking away from her.
Toughlove sighed and put a hoof to her head. “Snowy. Please. We want to help. All you're doing is hurting yourself and your family. Is this really what you want to do?”
“I'm just being me...”
“You're embracing a mental disease and forcing it on everypony around you.”
“A-all I want is to be treated like a mare...”
“You're not a mare and you cannot be treated like one. If anything, it would be too dangerous. You've already shown a tendency towards violence, do you really think other ponies would want you near mares for that?”
He slowly shook his head.
“Exactly. And think about your future. In a few years you'll be out of school, what then?”
“I'll find a new job and a new home.”
“Really? How? No pony is going to want a stallion who can't act responsible in the work environment. For ponies like you, there isn't a good future. Or do you plan on having your parents carry you through life?”
He shook his head. “I'll deal with that when it comes.”
“Snowy, look at yourself. You're miserable, aren't you? This is no way to live your life. You need to let go of these fantasies.”
He didn't answer.
“You're in a very prestigious school now. If you cut your mane, stopped wearing those silly outfits and presented yourself appropriately, you could have a real future ahead of yourself. You could be somepony. If you'd just decide to stop being this way and--”
“It's not a decision!” he shrieked. “I am a mare! I am! Why can't you just... why can't you just see?”
Toughlove sighed and shook her head. “No, Snowy, you're not. I wouldn't tell a pony who was blind they could see, I wouldn't tell a pony with severe schizophrenia that they don't need help and I won't lie to you and indulge your mental illness. You need help and the sooner you stop fighting it, the sooner we can work on curing you. Now, are you willing to let me help you?”
He looked away, closing his eyes. “I hate you.”
“Yes, we often hate the ones who try to help us, but that doesn't mean we'll let you suffer for it.”
He didn't answer, keeping his eyes off her.
“Now, Snowy. Tell me about your school.”
He didn't answer as she sat there, lightly tapping her hoof.
“Snowy?”
He just sat there.
The mare sighed. “Are you going to just give me the silent treatment?”
He nodded.
“It's worse than I thought. Snowy, you're dismissed. You can go wait in the lobby.”
The stallion blinked and couldn't believe his good fortune. He galloped away, slamming the door closed behind himself as he ran. He was out, he was free. “I'm done!” he told his mother as he stepped out of the room.
“Already?” she asked, staring at him. “That was fast.”
“Miss Skies?” a voice said suddenly, making him jump. He looked back to one of the nurses. “Dr. Toughlove would like to speak with you a moment.”
Snowy blinked, watching her go. A slow feeling of dread spread through his stomach. He moved to the seats, sitting down and watching the room. His mother came out after about ten minutes. “What did you two talk about?”
“Nothing, it's... nothing, honey,” his mother said softly. “Just... let's go home.” Her eyes were lowered and she looked confused.
“Mom?”
She shook her head. “Don't worry about it, Snowy. It's going to be okay. You're going to be okay.”
“Mommy?” he asked softly, the dread forming a knot. She didn't answer this time as he trotted behind her.
Something was wrong. He felt it all the way down to his hooves.
------
The rest of the day went quietly, without many problems for once. Yet Snowy wished there had been. Sunny came by for dinner and for once there weren't many fights. Their mother seemed to barely be paying attention at all, nudging at her plate in much the same way Snowy liked to. He hoped that Toughlove told her there was no cure, that just letting him be who he was would be enough. To just let him be happy.
He found that doubtful. No matter how he poked or pried, she refused to tell him anything, even his sister couldn't get a rise out of her. His stomach felt more and more twisted with each moment. When it was finally time to go to bed, he tossed and turned, unable to get comfortable as he laid there, staring at the darkness.
Then he heard the creak of his door opening. He froze and looked over. His mother slowly stepped into his room. “Mom?” he asked softly.
“Snowy?” she said, sounding alarmed. “You're awake?”
“Can't sleep. What's wrong? What are you doing?”
The mare blinked, before trotting over and sitting by him. “Honey... you know your father and I love you, right? I know your father doesn't always show it, but you're our baby boy.”
“Uh huh,” he said nervously.
“We just want you to be happy and healthy.”
“I am when you let me be me...”
“Snowy...”
“I'm Drifting.”
“Snowy, this isn't normal. Normal ponies aren't like this. You can't keep doing these things, you're just ruining your future and hurting yourself. Nopony wants that.”
He sighed and lowered his eyes. “It's... my life, why can't I decide what I do?”
“I'm your mother, it's my job to look out for you.”
“Mmm hmm...” he grumbled softly.
She sighed, before reaching out to hug him. “Honey, I love you. I'll always love you, you're my little baby boy. But... I just want you to be happy and safe. That's all.”
“I know, mom,” he said softly, slowly hugging her back. “I... love you too. Even if I don't always show it.”
She hugged him for a few more moments, before slowly pulling back. “I talked with Toughlove. She won't have any more appointments available before you go back.”
“You're letting me go back?”
“Of course.” She stopped for a moment. “You'll do fine there, honey.”
He sighed and laid back, closing his eyes as he heard the door close. At least she wasn't going to go back on their deal, that was a load off his mind. He pulled the blanket over himself, nestling into bed.
Even better, he wouldn't have to see Toughlove again until next time he came back home.
------
Snowy blinked blearily as he slowly opened his eyes. He looked around in confusion, staring around the dark room. What in the world? Why had he woken up?
He heard a low metallic thump and frowned, glancing towards the door. What in the world were his parents do--
His groggy mind finally caught something important. He had been sleeping with the princess dress besides him. It wasn't there now. His horn glowed and he scanned wildly around the room.
All of his dresses were gone. His make up, too. All of his bags. He tossed off the covers and raced through the house, his heart pounding.
His mom was in the living room, stoking some logs in the fire place. The fire was only starting and she didn't seem to hear him over the nudging of the flames.
The dresses were in their bag besides her. Snowy couldn't see the make up. “What are you doing?!” he asked, staring at the dresses.
His mother froze, turning around and staring at him. She then sighed, her horn glowing as she picked up the bag. “Snowy, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, but this has to be done. Toughlove talked with me, and she's right. Letting you do this was a bad idea. It's... just made your condition worse. I want my baby boy back, honey. And... this is the only way to do it.”
“M-mom,” he said softly, staring at them. He was too frightened to move as his mother held them besides the fire. Could he even save any of them in time if she tossed them in? “Please. D-don't do this.”
“I'm sorry. I know you'll hate me for a little bit, but it has to be done.” She moved them closer. “Just go back to your room and sleep. It's over, honey, no more of... this.”
He watched helplessly as they got closer to the fire, until the words burst out. “I'll never stop hating you!” Snowy screamed. He was terrified, but he felt a brand new emotion break through his wall of apathy. Anger. The words stunned his mother, making her freeze in place. “If... if you... if you do t-this to me, I-I'll never stop hating you. I swear. I'll... I'll run away, o-or escape, or... y-you'll never see me again. I'll never be a part of your life again.” For the first time since she'd taken off her make up and dresses, she felt tears welling up in her eyes. “I swear. If you... if you do this to me, you'll never be anything to me again. I won't be your... anything.”
“Snowy, you don't--”
“IT'S DRIFTING!” she screamed, stomping her hoof down. “And if you can't accept that, then I... then I don't need you as my mother! I'll do this all alone if I have to! I'LL DO IT ALL ALONE! I'M A MARE AND I DON'T NEED YOU IF YOU DON'T WANT ME!” The tears flowed down her face as the words tore their way out of her throat. Each one felt like a barbed wire through her heart, but she believed them. She didn't want to lose her mother, but if she had to, she'd give her up. So long as she could be herself.
Slowly, gently the bag began to lower. “Snowy... You don't...”
Her grip on the bag faltered and Drifting's horn lit up, yanking the bag from her and pulling it to the younger mare. She pulled it close, holding it close and sobbing.
His mother slowly moved over to her side, reaching out to touch her shoulder. “Snowy, I don't--”
“DON'T TOUCH ME!” Drifting screamed, before tearing away and racing down the hall, slamming the door shut behind herself. She collapsed on the ground, her body against the door, and began to sob, hugging her dresses to her chest. They were her dresses. They were hers.
And she was Drifting, no matter what anypony said.
------
Drifting awoke with a groan, her back aching. She slowly leaned forward, pulling away from the door. She then looked down at her dresses, safe and sound in her hooves. Slowly she put them aside and opened her door, just a crack.
Outside of the door, her make up and other necessities were sitting, waiting to be picked up. She opened the door a little more, her horn glowing as she brought them in. They weren't in a bag anymore, but she didn't care. She slowly went through each and every one, making sure they were all present.
They were. She let out a sigh of relief and slowly got to her hooves, grabbing her supplies and making her way across the hall to the bathroom, opening the door and stepping inside. She took a look at herself in the mirror before steeling herself. She'd already stepped over the line, there was no turning back. She locked the door and slipped into the shower.
When the door opened again, Drifting stood in it, in her special red gemmed dress. Her ribbon was returned and her make up was on. She made her way down the hall towards the living room.
The log in the fireplace still smoked, but the fire was long gone. Her mother was sitting on the couch, though she looked up the moment Drifting entered the room. “Snowy...”
She didn't stop, she turned and made her way towards the door.
“Drifting!”
That gave the mare pause. It was the first time she'd ever been called by her name.
“Please, come back. I'm... sorry. I really, truly am. I'm sorry and I swear I won't do it again. I won't... destroy your things. If you want to... be this, it's okay.”
Slowly Drifting backed up and made her way towards the couch. “Mom?”
“All I want, all I ever wanted is for you and your sister to be happy. That's all.” She patted the seat by her. “You're my little baby boy. You're just so... smart and could have such a great future ahead of yourself. I don't want you to throw it away over... this.”
“This is who I am,” Drifting said softly as she sat down by her. “And... I have to be me. Even if it's without you.” She let out a yipe as her mother leaned forward and hugged her. Slowly, she reached up and hugged her back.
“All... I want is for you to be happy. Even if... I don't understand, I don't agree, I'll always be your mother. If this is who you have to be to be happy, then I won't stop it.”
“Really?”
“Really. Just... promise me you'll be careful? You'll be safe? And... try to be happy?”
“I... I am, mommy,” she said softly, before hugging her back, tightly before breaking down into sobs against her chest. She didn't even care that it made her make up run.
No matter how much she hated it, she'd been ready to lose her parents.
She was just thankful her mother wasn't ready to lose her child.
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Not only is this way too preachy, it doesn't actually make any sort of point as to why we shouldn't refuse to put up with these kinds of people.
7028467 you forgot the spell that gives you an Orange for a head.
Damn.. the feels.
...Relief. I appreciate not having to flare up in rage.
well' it is an interesting story so far. It certainly gives me an interesting insight into that world you are in, and all the ostentation that you had to go trough people in your life to be understood, I am sorry that your life has been so difficult for you.
7029580 Way to bring the spirit of friendship into the fandom. Also the double negative burns...it burns so bad.
When I told my mother I was gay, it was at a relatively safe public location, with a backpack of things ready in case she told me I couldn't come home.
It didn't come to that, fortunately.
7029580
To not be an asshole, asshole. Mistreating people for things that don't hurt you is inexcusable.
bout time
I love this
7024981 Um, Y chromosomes make the sex male. Double X makes female.
7029580 Yeah! Why can't we hate people for who they are?!
7029580 I find your lack of compassion... disturbing...
7029580
Please do us and yourself a favour, and go somewhere else. If you're not willing to treat others with respect you're not going to receive much in turn.
I find it rather odd that you're watching a series that teaches how to be a good friend, how to love yourself and your friends, and yet you find it appropriate to consider a group of people not worthy of base compassion. You're certainly going to be the best friend.
Damn...
#relatable
(I honestly have more to say, but reading this has drug up a lot of bad memories and shit so...yeah. Anyway, I do love this story, and I look forward to seeing more!)
Oh, for crying out loud. All I said was this story doesn't address the issue properly and everyone's jumping to conclusions.
7032141 Be more specific, criticism only works if nobody can misinterpret what you're saying, there it was very easy to misinterpret it as: "Why we shouldn't put up with transgender people". I'm pretty sure that's not what you were saying there but you were so vague that could easily come through to somebody who wasn't paying attention. Add more context, perhaps even a quote from the story.
I'm a tad confused here. If Drifting's, er, assigned 'boy' name was Snowy Skies, where's 'Cloudy' come from? I've seen it pop up several times.
Punch right to the feels. I had to take a brake here "They were her dresses. They were hers." So much pain.
also known as: claiming to know better than the professionals
So is CSfGU supposed to be high-school or college-equivalent?
Ed: Drifting is a minor.
This part struck me in an interesting way because my experiences as Trans are almost the exact opposite as hers.
I was always good at tackling bigoted therapists with hard science and strong cogent arguments so if I did ever get a bigoted or misunderstanding therapist they rarely stayed that way.
My parents have been almost "too" supportive because unlike the main character I have almost no emotional strength and even though I came out as Trans I'm still too terrified of people's opinions to actually transition even though I got an almost unheard of amount of support from friends and family so their support rather then helping made me feel like a fake or liar because I wasn't transitioning or dressing how I wanted to.
Seriously I'm probably the luckiest Trans person ever where help and support is concerned so I feel terrible that I have yet to gain the courage to actually transition it almost feels like I'm throwing my friends and families support back in their face.
I don't know even in a community of outcasts I still manage to be the odd one out.
8319558
Stop. You're putting yourself down for being lucky. Fear, no matter how irrational it is, no matter how much support you have against it, is always legitimate. Please, give yourself some credit. the fact you were able to come out in the first place is bravery enough. If you really do feel this way, talk to some of your family about those feelings. they're sure to help if they're "overly supportive!"
This is still the same world where 6 mares repeatedly defend the nation by fighting monsters, yes?
I'd love to see the scene where this therapist argues with the latest princess that she is in fact a stallion.
I mean, this should be a winning argument right there.
Do you not see the dissonance here? It's quite clear that "he" is happier when you just let him get on with things "his" way.
As for safe, I guess the mother does have a leg to stand on here, her "son" did just get beaten up after all.
But happy, come on, you are litterally the one making "him" feel miserable, so just send "him" back to school and let "him" be happy.
I mean, if it was my kid, I'd enroll her in a self defense class and have a very therapeutic yell at the headmaster. I would also make a complaint to higher authorities about the careless attitude of the school staff. In this world that would mean Celestia. I'd be very interested to see her take on what has been going on at her school.
It's sad Drifting has to go through this just to be understood.
11335194
Yup... it's... a shame when it comes to that... and... hurtful and painful and... ugh...