Chapter 10: Therapy
Drifting shuddered slightly as she crawled out of bed, staring at the clock.
She got up, she knew she was supposed to have gotten up. She'd already missed a few days of class and spent too long hiding away in her room. Branding had tried to come by a few times, but when the guards told her, she just said no, she wasn't seeing anypony. Especially not her.
Drifting couldn't believe it. She'd felt a lot of things for ponies over the years, but this one felt horrible. She didn't like it in the slightest. She was pretty sure she hated Branding. She hadn't at first, she'd been sad, angry, upset. But the feelings hadn't faded. She couldn't even think about the mare without either wanting to scream or kick something with all of her might. Usually a nice nights sleep would make her feel better, but it didn't. Not this time. She just wanted to stay nestled in her bed and cry.
If this was hatred, true hatred, she didn't like it in the slightest. It felt like she was rotting from the inside out, destroying parts of her with every second she couldn't let it go. She glanced at at the clock and sighed, before slowly crawling out of bed and pulling out a small dress. She'd already missed classes for the day, but there was still one thing she had to do.
Meet with her therapist. She made the appointment, the princess had gotten it for her, the least she could do was show up for it. It wasn't as if laying wrapped up in her blankets was doing her any good. She slowly made her way to the bathroom and showered, cleaning herself up as best she could.
She stared into her mirror when she was done and began applying her makeup. Her stomach formed knots the longer she looked at herself, but she struggled to ignore it and just keep working, forcing herself to look as feminine as she possibly could and struggling to keep the tears from flowing out.
She rested her head against the glass. “Ugh. Stupid... stupid mare. W-why do you even care? I mean... I just... you're just... Ugh! One date, your first date, it wasn't important or anything. Besides, you broke up with her. Sorta. I mean, kinda. It was like a date. I just... ugh.” She lightly thumped her head against the mirror, her horn tapping it. “Why do you have to be so... picky? She... was okay with this. Why did you have to push it? No wonder she got mad, no wonder she got... upset. Why does it matter if she didn't... see you as a mare? She seemed okay just playing along. And... that's all this is, after all. Isn't it? Just... a big game...” she muttered to herself, staring down at her hooves. “A big, stupid, stupid game that you like to play with yourself... why are you so stupid?”
She closed her eyes again. “You're... a mare. No matter what anypony says. And you're going to fix this and... maybe you'll find somepony who loves you and sees you as that mare. Or maybe you'll be alone forever. But who cares? Lots of ponies spend their whole lives being alone. You'll be fine. You don't need anypony else to make you happy. You have family. You have fri... you have family. You can make new friends. Better friends. Friends who can teleport and shoot lasers and all your old friends will be so jealous and wish they were still your friends. Like the princess. Yeah. She wants to be your friend for... some reason. See? You're in the castle, you're a pretty mare, you're going to get some... help from a... new... therapist.” She gulped and looked towards the door.
What if this new pony, Shoemaker, was just like Toughlove? Could she endure another... session like those? What if this was all another trap? Would the princess do that to her?
She snorted and looked in the mirror again. “Well, if it is a trap, BUCK THEM! I'll just leave! I am NOT doing that again!” She shoved the door open. “Okay! I'm ready! Let's do this!”
------
Drifting was so not ready as she sat, her legs a little crossed as she tried to keep her heart from hammering. The room she had been sent to was... nice. It had a few chairs, a small table, a few jars with little snacks and candies. The window gave a nice view of the city as well. The only thing it was missing was her therapist. Which was fine with her, she was feeling ready to bolt. She wondered how fast she could run to the window, open it, transform and escape.
The door opened, putting an end to her fantasies of flight. “I'm so sorry,” a black coated and red maned unicorn mare said before she stepped inside, sitting down across from her. “It has been the most hectic of days.” She adjusted her glasses and glanced down at the folder in her hooves. “Now, Snowy, was it?”
“Drifting,” she said softly. “M-my name is... Drifting Petal.”
“Oh. Right, sorry, ummm, hold on one second. Wrong fi--”
“It's the right file. But... I don't... go by Snowy,” Drifting said softly, her legs shivering. She saw as the realization dawned on the mare. Here it came, the insults, the warnings, the telling her she had no idea what she was in for.
“Really? That's a shame,” the mare said, making Drifting sigh. “Snowy is such a pretty name for a mare.”
“I'm a--” Drifting blinked. “A... mare...?”
“Of course,” the mare said, before blinking and going through the folder. “Errr... right? You do identify as female, correct? Sorry, I try to clarify this before I start normally, but today has just been so hectic.”
“Err, uhhh, yes. I do identify as female. Don't... ummm, don't you think it's weird? Or... going to tell me... ummm... I'm... wrong?”
“Why would I do that?” the mare asked. “Oh! I am Sole Shoemaker. Should have said that first. And no, dear. I'm well aware of your situation and, no, I don't think it's weird. I've dealt with quite a few patients in your particular situation.”
“And... you fixed them?”
Sole shook her head. “No. I merely helped them get the help they needed to make themselves feel like the ponies they were. Now, tell me, how far along do you plan to go? Or have you decided yet?”
Drifting gulped, her face red. “I-I... I don't know. Some of it looks... k-kind of scary. But I... I want to... I want to... be... I mean...”
“Living as a mare full time?”
Drifting nodded quickly. “Uh huh... and... I think... hormones. I don't know about the surgeries, though. Some of them... I mean...”
“That's quite alright. Plenty of ponies who undergo these procedures never make it to those stages. Drifting, the important thing is to get you where you feel comfortable, safest and most like yourself.”
“Really? You don't think... I mean...”
“What?”
Drifting poked her hooves together. “My... last therapist she said... I mean... she told me... I-I was... born a stallion, so I have to... be a stallion. Aren't you going to... say that? Or tell me I can't... be feminine enough to...?”
Sole took a slow, deep breath. “Drifting, let me answer that with a question of my own. Do you think ponies are only born male and female?”
“Ummm... yes? I mean... that's basic biology,” Drifting said softly.
“But they aren't. You see, there is a wide spectrum. Some ponies are born with both parts, some are even born with neither. Some are born with different pieces and mixes of them. While male and female are the most common and seen, there is a wide spectrum on which any pony can fall and, for many of them, surgery, hormone treatments and other medical aid are their only options to be what they feel they are. Would you say these ponies are wrong for correcting their bodies?”
Drifting blinked and blushed as she imagined a pony without any of the parts. She slowly shook her head. “N-no. I... guess not.”
“Your situation is much the same. You just happened to be, physically, further along the spectrum of male than some of them. Or less, in some cases. It doesn't mean you're wrong, it means you have a problem that you can get aid for and there is nothing wrong with asking for it.”
“R-really?”
“Mmm hmmm. Now, tell me, how long have you had these feelings and when did you find out you felt this way?”
Drifting blinked, then lowered her eyes. “I... ummm... you... won't tell anypony? I mean, you can't, right? You promise?”
“I'm sorry?”
“Can you... promise not to... tell anypony, at all? Ever? Especially not my... parents? Or the princess?”
Sole frowned and then gave a nod. “I won't tell a soul. What you say here is between us, and us only.”
Drifting took a slow, deep breath. “I... felt like this when I was... younger, but it really started to hit when I got older. I... well.... when we played games, I'd always have to like... the colts always had to be the royal guards, fillies got to be the princesses. I... kind of wanted to wear the dresses and... things like that and... I got jealous. I... I didn't know why, at the time. But I'd always get sad when they'd... do those things. The makeup, the dresses, even things like... hearing about slumber parties made me sad. Because they were filly slumber parties and... I didn't like the colt slumber parties.”
Sole nodded as she wrote down in her folder. “Keep going.”
“I didn't think of it much but... then I got older and things got a lot worse. I really felt like I was expendable. Like I didn't care about myself, or my body. I couldn't even look in the mirror, I couldn't bring myself to do anything but play games or read books. Mostly ones with... mare characters who I could pretend to be. I didn't go around others often and I got really fat and I really, really hated myself and I...” She took a slow, deep breath. “I... wanted to be a mare at times. I'd watch other mares, I'd wish I was them or could be them but I thought it was wrong and I was a bad pony because of it.” Little tears started to form into her eyes. “I couldn't... do anything. I tried to bury it down, told myself that stallions didn't cry, that they didn't get upset, that they were strong, like the guards. Stoic. But I didn't want to be that. I wanted to run and giggle and skip and wear pretty dresses and put on makeup and do all those girly fun things and...” She bit her lower lip. “You... won't tell anypony, right? You promised?”
“Of course,” Sole said softly.
“Well... I... read about things. Potions that could turn ponies, stories of ponies who were turned mare. They were fiction, but I fantasized. Especially the ones that happened on accident. Hoped one day I'd wake up and... poof. I... I kind of wished they'd happen to me, but I heard they were impossible. But... I started learning transformation magic for it. But... I still heard it couldn't happen. Then... I ummmm...” She chewed on her lower lip. “I... I was young. I was.... well, younger. I was really, really upset. I didn't really... I didn't know what I was thinking was wrong...”
Sole stopped, putting the pen down. “Dear? It's okay. This is a safe place.”
Drifting gulped. “I'd... fantasize about... accidents happening. I'd remembered hearing about a... carriage accident and a pony losing their...” She shuddered. “In the accident. And I thought... they were lucky. I kind of hoped something like that would happen to me. Because then I could... pretend and nopony would care. Because I wouldn't have a... I wouldn't be it any more.”
“I... see.”
“That's when I went to my first therapist. I... I knew I was wrong, something was bad. She told me I was possibly transgender. I didn't know much about it then.” She blinked as she thought back to her room and the piles and piles of papers. “I... still don't know much about it, I think. But... she said it was okay. That I could be a mare if I wanted. That I didn't have to pretend to be something I didn't want to.”
“And you told her about your little fantasies?”
“Uh huh. She said it was better I try to be a mare, than risk... hurting myself. I took it to heart. I... started trying to do it. Little things at first. Tiny things. Little... tiny things. I'd dress up in hiding. I'd try to walk like one. I felt so happy, like everything made sense. I started losing weight, too.” She glanced down and sighed. “Then I told my parents and well... mom didn't take it well. She took me away from that therapist and took me to a few others until she found one who claimed she could... fix me.” She groaned. “But I don't wanna be fixed unless being fixed means turning me into a mare!”
Sole nodded. “Of course. If that's what you want to do, I'll try to help you as best I can.”
“R-really?”
“Mmmm hmm. However... is your family supportive of your changes now?”
She groaned again. “Kind of. Mom just... doesn't want me to do any of this. But... my sister is amazing and is supporting me a hundred percent. And, frankly, she's the only family I need.”
Sole nodded. “Then I think it's best you know now. Most hormone treatments will require your parent's permission before you can get them, at least until you're considered a full adult.”
Drifting felt like sinking into the ground. “O-oh.”
“If your parents don't support the change, there are alternatives. There are ways to... put your development on hold. Your male development. At least until you're old enough to make the decision for yourself. If your parents aren't okay with a full conversion at this stage, pausing your development may be an easier sale.”
Drifting blinked. “I... think I read something about that.”
“There are dozens of other options we can look at as well. I'll try to have more prepared during our next appointment, okay?”
Drifting nodded. “I... I'd like that.”
“And Drifting, don't worry. You're not the first pony I've met in your situation, you won't be the last. But you can get through this and I will help in any way I can. And trust me, my help is worth a lot for this.”
Drifting nodded, a smile on her lips.
“Now, are there any things you'd like to discuss or talk about? Any recent troubles or things you've had on your mind?”
Drifting blinked a few times, before nodding. “One... thing. I guess. I mean, ummmm...”
“Yes?”
“I kinda... had a nasty break up last week. Sorta.”
“Sorta?”
“Well... it was... kinda our first date and I got mad at her because I...” She lowered her eyes. “I was being too... demanding. Then... she over reacted and... I think I hate her. But...” She gave a little whimper. “Some of the things... I think she said might have been true.”
“Which things?”
“She said... who would put up with me. Being this way. And... and I can't blame her. I mean, there are so many pretty mares out there without... this? So why would any pony put up with this? Are there ponies who would put up with this?”
“Plenty of ponies would, those who would love you and care about who you are. For many ponies, something like this would be insignificant. I know a few who are in your situation who are in kind, loving relationships with ponies who treat them like the mares or stallions they are. I even know a herd or two that has a few ponies like you. There are plenty who will more than accept you for the mare you are.” Sole gave her a soft smile. “And you should never stay with a pony only because you're afraid you'll never find anypony else.” She glanced down to her notes. “So, your sexual preference is towards mares?”
“I... don't... know,” Drifting said with a sigh. The other mare didn't say anything, so she continued. “I... think it is? I mean, I think I like mares. I never really... I mean, sometimes I'd get a little bit of excitement from stallions, but only rarely. But mares always made me the... most excited. Before. When I was... before this. But now that I'm this, well...”
“Yes?”
“I think it was kinda jealousy. I don't think I wanted to be with them so much as... to be them. Since I've started being a mare, even when I was just... trying, before I could dress up, when I started imagining myself being like them, I stopped getting those feelings. It kind of became the... same with the stallions. Sometimes I'd get a surge of excitement, but it was rare. I... don't know if that means I like both, or neither. Is that strange?”
“Of course not, plenty of ponies are like that,” Sole said before writing a few things down. “But you do seem awfully concerned about being alone. Could you tell me, what is your ideal pony?”
Drifting blushed and then lowered her eyes. “It's... it's kind of silly.”
“You've thought of this before?”
“Who hasn't?”
“Then go on, tell me. I won't judge, I promise. Besides, most ponies have an ideal partner, there is no fault in that.”
Drifting sighed. “Well... somepony... kind of like me. I mean, like... a little mix of both? I'd want them to be kind of... strong. And competitive. Somepony who could teach me, but at the same time protect me. Somepony who, when I was with them, I'd feel safe and secure, knowing no matter what we did, they'd never, ever hurt me. Even if they had a chance and I was helpless with them, I know they'd never hurt me. But somepony who wasn't afraid to beat me in things, so we could compete and... try against each other.” Her cheeks turned even redder. “Somepony who... wouldn't let others try to hurt me. Not... necessarily fight with them, but would at least try to pull us away from them. Who wouldn't... want to be around ponies who would say things to hurt me. But... I'd also want them to be soft. At least a little. I'd want them to like to dress up, with me. To help me when I can't figure out what to wear. Somepony who I could gossip with and we could play cute little games and watch adorable lil movies with and even snuggle up with stuffed animals together and be cute together.” She took a slow, deep breath. “But... more than anything, I want them to... love and care about me. To support me. To see me as a mare, even during all this. To... even... though I have so many flaws and mistakes, to have them still... want to be near me. Even when I fail. I... I don't care if they know I'm trans. So long as they... see me as a mare and treat me like one.”
“I see. Now, when you envision this perfect pony, what do you see? Male, female, neither?”
“I... don't know. I think a mare, but... if the perfect pony showed up, and they were a stallion, I think I'd try to make it work and could,” Drifting said, before sighing. “Well, I know one thing.”
“What?”
“It's... kind of shallow, but ummmm...”
“Yes?”
“They don't have a beard and they most DEFINITELY don't have a mustache. I know it's bad, but I just can't stand them they ick me out sooooo badly. I mean, could you imagine kissing a pony like that?”
Sole snickered. “You might want to try it sometime, the tickles can be quite pleasant.”
Drifting blushed so red she thought her head might burst into flame. She quickly looked down. “A-anyway. I uhhh... I don't know which I... want them to be. I don't even know if I want them to be either. To be honest, I like the... ideas behind them? I mean, ummm... like... romantically involved with a pony. Kissing, cuddling, snuggling, all that stuff. I used to love those things in romance novels. But... well... actual...” Her cheeks turned even redder. She didn't know how.
“This is a safe place, Drifting. You're safe here.”
“The... idea of actual... well, sex, seems boring to me. The stuff before and after seems fun! Like, the romance, the kissing, snuggling, even the games and stuff! I-I read the books, I-I know what goes on in there! M-my mom had a bunch of romance novels a-and I used to read them all the time!” Sole chuckled, but didn't respond. “But... in the... actual... full act? It doesn't seem that... appealing. It just seems like... a thing. And I don't know if I'm interested in it.”
Sole nodded. “Don't worry. You're still young, Drifting. You have your whole life ahead of you to discover what you like and who you like. It can take anypony years to discover who they are, so I wouldn't put too much worry into it. But, I imagine you have spent a lot of time thinking about it?”
“Mmm hmm... is that weird?”
“Not at all. You're in that stage of development where all things are still so exciting. Just be careful in whatever you do decide to do and you should be fine. And don't rush.”
“O-okay...” She chewed on her lower lip for a moment. “So... I uhhh... is... it wrong to break up with a pony if they can't... see me for what I am?”
“There is no wrong reason to break up with anypony. If the relationship won't work out, then it should be ended. What was the reason in this case?”
“She... wouldn't see me as a mare. I just... I couldn't handle that. She just saw me as a... as a stallion in a dress.”
Sole nodded. “If that meant that much to you, then yes. That was the right reason to break up with her.”
“But what if I wasn't so sensitive? What if I'd--”
“Let me stop you right there.”
“Huh?”
“If it meant that much to you, then it was the right reason. Your feelings do matter, just as much as hers do. If you needed her to accept you as that, but she was unable, then that is reason enough. You have no obligation to make yourself miserable to keep another pony happy, understand?”
Drifting nodded with a smile. “O-okay...”
“Good, anything else you'd like to talk about?” she asked with the nicest smile.
“You know, you're... much easier to talk to than Toughlove.”
“Who?”
“My old therapist. She... didn't approve of this. Of my... decisions.”
“Would you like to talk about her?”
Drifting shuddered and shook her head. “Not... not today.”
“Okay. Perhaps at a later time. Tell me, what do you want to talk about? What do you need to talk about?”
Drifting chewed on her lower lip. “You... said you've dealt with plenty of ponies like me, right?”
“Of course.”
“Ummm...” She poked her hooves together a little faster. “I uhhh... is it normal to... sometimes have doubts and just want to stop?”
“I'm sorry?”
“Well... just...” Drifting sighed. “I... don't talk to anyone about this. But... I... I really try to look strong and brave and confident and... and not put up with... anypony rejecting this. Rejecting me. But... but some mornings I just want to... I just want to give up on it. When ponies tell me I can't do it, or I can't... be this, I just want to toss off my dresses, maybe... put on a saddle or something. Walk around like a stallion, so ponies will stop staring at me, or making fun of me. Other times I... I look in the mirror and all I can see is the colt. No matter how much makeup I put on, even if I wear dresses, no matter what I do, I just feel like a colt. A big, ugly, stupid colt who's trying to hide who and what they really are. That no matter how hard I try, I'll never, ever be able to... be what I really want to be. Is that... normal?”
Sole nodded slowly. “Yes. Many ponies, when faced with hard ships and difficulties want to give up. If you decide to, that is your decision. But I would only advise it if you feel it would make you happier. If this is what you need to do, to stay happy, then my advice would be stay the course and keep going.” She paused. “But... you will need support. Ponies who will help you and still care for you despite your changes. You're going through a difficult, somewhat painful journey. While some can do it alone, it will be far easier if you have somepony.”
Drifting nodded. “I... have a few. I think. I know my sister is there for me.”
“Then that can make all the difference. Drifting, so long as you're sure that this is the path you want to take, then take it with pride. I think you make a very pretty young lady, so you look just fine.”
“Okay. So, ummmm... is it... weird to... I mean, sometimes, err... I worry I won't... pass. That people will identify me as a... guy. Is it weird to think that?”
“There will always be those who will think you're a guy. But you are a mare, so don't let those ponies change how you perceive yourself. For the most part, it's a confidence issue. I guarantee you, for everything about yourself that you think makes you seem masculine, there are hundreds, if not thousands or millions, of mares who have that same thing. At times you might seem like a more masculine mare, but you will be a mare.”
Drifting let out a soft sigh, a grin on her lips. “T-thanks. You... know what? I feel a lot better now. Honestly. I thought... well, I thought this was going to be really bad but...”
“I'm here to help, dear. It's my goal to help you achieve whatever makes you happiest.”
“Okay,” Drifting said with a content sigh. “So... can I talk with you about... anything?”
“Of course.”
“So... the new princess is really, really awesome. But... is it just me or is she a little...” She tapped her hoof to her chin. “Over... examinative? Or kinda... like... have you met her?”
------
Drifting hummed softly as she walked out of the building, a big grin on her face. She felt good. Confident. That had been a real mare and she'd called her a real mare too. And she was one, she knew she was.
Now all that remained was convincing her mother. She wondered if it would be okay to bring her to the castle. Ohhhh, maybe she could get the princess to write her a letter. Or drop a few crates of research on her head. That seemed a little bit cruel. She was sooooo going to do it. Maybe that'd teach her to at least listen to her daughter for once.
“Drifting?” a voice said, making her look up.
The mare froze in place. “B-Branding.”
The fire unicorn stared at her. “I... I haven't seen you at school, I--”
“I don't care. I don't want to talk to you. Just... just stay away from me,” Drifting said before turning away and walking the other way. She could go back home the long way.
“Wait!” Branding called out, her horn glowing as she grabbed the other mare's tail. “I-I'm sorry! I over reacted and--”
“I don't care,” Drifting said, as coldly as her voice could muster. “Stay away from me.”
“But... I'm sorry. I didn't--”
“It doesn't matter! I don't care if you're sorry! I don't care if you spend the next hundred years apologizing! I hate you and I never want to speak to you again! Just stay away from me!” Drifting screamed. She felt the grip on her tail release and she took her chance, galloping away.
------
Drifting stepped into her room, closing the door behind herself before collapsing back against it, closing her eyes.
She hated the mare. She hated her so much. Hated everything about her. But why did hatred hurt so much?
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I would have reacted the same. *slow, yet genuine clapping*
Drifting is somewhere in the Ace spectrum then?
Ok, that whole chapter, eerily close to my life, except the getting fat part. Never could build fat.
7058905
TMI.
...Implying crystal ponies are magical constructs/creations?
I find that an incredibly interesting headcanon if so.
Sudden Daring Do!
Hate is weird, isn't it. I don't know how people find the strength to keep it up. Getting mad, sure, but that always burns out pretty quickly. I guess some people can get motivated by hate, but I find it has the opposite effect.
Hopefully Drifting will be able to reach some kind of closure and/or forgiveness for Branding, before it all eats her up inside too much. :(
I loved this chapter. I really do hope her hate dissipates, its definitely not good for her. I know I can't hate anyone for more than a day, I just can't hold onto that feeling. I think Drifting's early life is very similar to mine.
7062853 maybe, maybe not. Some transsexual's sex drive don't get going until they start transition. Sexual orantashion is tricky, you don't know it until you know it and even then it can change.
Yes, now you are being stupid.
Drifting is being way to hard on herself, I mean I get that she doesn't have the best confidence after all the shit she's been through, but still. Hope the new therapist can help her feel better, because that mare need to learn how to chill and relax. That panic attack in the last chapter is a big warning sign.
I probably sound to harsh here, I mean she deserves respect for still fighting for herself. Fingers crossed she will feel a lot better in herself soon.
Edit:
That's the spirit, you go girl!
Sheesh, how rare are trained psychologists in this Equestria?
Good work, you've made a mark with me.